In The Arms of Destruction
by AnnabelleG
Summary: The Past, long buried by years of conversion, has come to make its payback to Hilde Schbeiker. Now, without Duo Maxwell at her side, she must face it with a new ally, Heero Yuy. (completed) R&R!
1. It has begun.

gwin00.htm

> > In the Arms of Destruction
>> 
>> "I was a wayward child
>> 
>> with the weight of the world
>> 
>> that I held deep inside.
>> 
>> Life was a winding road
>> 
>> And I learned many things
>> 
>> Little ones shouldn't know."
>> 
>> - Close My Eyes, Mariah Carey
>> 
>> Prologue:
>> 
>> "But you were there
>> 
>> And you were everything I'd never seen
>> 
>> You woke me up from this long and endless sleep
>> 
>> I opened my eyes and you were there."
>> 
>> - You Were There, Southern Sons
>> 
>> AC 195
>> 
>> There were many reasons why Hilde Schbeiker stood there, as a ranking OZ officer patrolling a spaceport, rather than training rigorously elsewhere to kill.
>> 
>> Yes, she had many reasons for being here - some were very deep, very disturbing, very urgent, while some of them were just plain useless.
>> 
>> Showing off her skills was one of them.
>> 
>> The blue-black haired German grinned as she ran a hand over her hair. _That_ was definitely useless, haughty too. But she was having a kick-ass fun of a time when she dwelled on that fact.
>> 
>> Shaking her head at her ill humor, she then strode over towards another hallway to continue her job. But it was only the truth. In the two weeks since she'd entered OZ as a volunteer, she had already been promoted three ranks higher, soon reaching the highly-trained group of volunteers, and heading them at that. It wouldn't be soon till she had her next promotion; of this, she was sure. Maybe she would finally become an official OZ soldier after that - after all, she was one of the first few whom they were training to be Mobile Suit pilots.
>> 
>> __You arrogant little girl, she berated herself, grinning wickedly. __Bad, bad.
>> 
>> Of course, no one really knew of her background, or how she acquired all the skills she had at such a young age. No one knew where she had come from.
>> 
>> "Good Morning, Miss Schbeiker!" another volunteer saluted to her as he passed, and she nodded the same greeting. What was she doing here, anyway, still patrolling despite the fact that she was supposed to be off-duty? Probably just her habit. But making conceited jokes to herself? Good grief.
>> 
>> But Hilde knew exactly what she was doing.
>> 
>> If only she could get herself to admit it.
>> 
>> "I can't do this anymore," she muttered to herself as she leaned on a glass window. Staring at the residential mountain before her, she sighed. _Images in picture books_, she thought bitterly. The mountain itself was a reminder of what she was trying to avoid in her mind by thinking useless thoughts. It was one of the views she had rarely seen during the first thirteen years of her life. It represented the life she had never experienced, and the normality she had been deprived off. And the recollections of that life were what she was trying to avoid.
>> 
>> She remembered her ignorant joy she felt when she first stepped off the space shuttle in L2 two years ago-or the extreme fascination over the simple scene of people bustling about, busy with their own lives. She had been so _deprived_ from this life. And it was hard to leave everything in your life behind, no matter how gruesome or dark they were.
>> 
>> And now, here she was. Fifteen and alone, making a life of her own. She wondered if the people from the _Base_ in Germany still remembered her - or if they were still cursing her, that was. And her Instructor… Hilde's face brightened for a second in reminiscence. How was he? Did he get in trouble after he helped her escape?
>> 
>> _Escape_. Yes, escape. Hilde looked around her, where people moved about, excited at finally arriving here on L2. This was the life she had now. And it was very different from before.
>> 
>> _Heck!_ Here, people respected you; back in the _Base_, people insulted you. Out here, there were greetings; back home, there were curses. While there was security here, back there hostility reigned. When one was not your ally, he or she was your enemy. And here, she was trained with the purpose of protecting people, back there they were trained to kill.
>> 
>> Yes, luckily, she preferred this life. At least she hadn't been _that_ warped to still feel that life was only about missions and destruction. At least she wasn't that morbid as to still find killing enjoyable.
>> 
>> Hilde glanced at her hands, and her blue eyes widened in apprehension. Once, she had almost reached that level. Hers were hands that had killed already, and would have still continued doing so, had not her Instructor intervened and helped set her free.
>> 
>> This was the life she now lived, and she was already liberated from the dark bonds of her past.
>> 
>> _But that wouldn't stop you from thinking back, would it?_
>> 
>> Hilde shut her eyes. _Ja,_ she admitted weakly. She still remembered them, dreamt of the horrid past, which had nearly destroyed her. She had always prided herself with her independence and strength - yet weakness always took hold of herself when she was reminded of her past.
>> 
>> _Him_. The First, he was the man that she would never forget. The person who had always watched her… despised her, yet made sure of her well being. It seemed as if he was biding his time with her, observing her every move, watching her grow. He followed her with eyes that were sadistically pleased, yet disgusted-as if she reminded him of so many regretful memories. And he had been waiting for her, as if he would finally strike at her (in revenge?) when the right time came. He had been their leader, and she had been submissive. But now that she was free from his grasp, she still remembered him.
>> 
>> Hilde shuddered at the unsettling memories. She then found herself huddled on a corner in the waiting room. Cussing slightly, she moved off, irritated by the effect her fear still had on her.
>> 
>> Walking, she remembered the better part of her past. There was her Instructor, who was kind beyond what protocol called for. He was the only one who had genuinely cared despite her imperfections. If there was such a thing as love back in the _Base,_ then maybe that would be it. And he was the one who helped her get here, who had saved her. She owed it to him to at least move on and make her life better.
>> 
>> But it was hard. _So hard…_ she thought miserably. It was so difficult to live in this new world and to fulfill her dreams, to go on without a guide, to have no one to draw strength from but the repressed affection of a person long left behind, and the faint belief in a God.
>> 
>> _But that had always been the case for me._ Hilde sighed. Yes, she had always been faced with such challenges, and this time she would still make it. She was still adjusting to this world, and she was having a hard time - yet she promised herself that she would go on. She didn't need any help, or any kindness from anyone. By Deutschland, she would survive.
>> 
>> Hilde gave a grim smile. It had always been Survival. It was what she strived for, fought for in situations like this. There was no one she could depend on, no one she could trust but herself. And she would find a better life; she would make her _dreams_ real. She would find life.
>> 
>> Pleased with her thoughts, she turned to leave the waiting room, but found herself staring at the set of seats placed before the observatory.
>> 
>> There sat a foolish looking boy with an abnormally long braid of brown hair. He wore a pair of conceited shades and had a smirk on his lips. Both of his legs were slung lazily on another chair, and his hands were placed leisurely on the back of his neck.
>> 
>> She was unable to stop a frown. Her eyes were wide with astonishment, though, and that was the first time that had happened to her. But his hair, darn it all, she knew that her combat-styled hair had never been the fad here, but a male with an oversupply of hair… wasn't that a little too much? Hilde flinched when his soft hair nearly touched the floor, and she self-consciously placed a hand on her short hair.
>> 
>> But when Hilde looked at him again, her thoughts turned wistful, if not a touch bitter. There he was, acting as if he had no purpose in the world, lounging without caring about what was happening about him. It was amazing, how indifferent and carefree some lucky people could be. It disgusting to some degree, when some people, like her, suffered from their inner ghosts and hardened lives a distance from them. The world could be so unfair at times.
>> 
>> Yet, that was when she admitted to herself that she was probably just jealous, not personally mad at them. That boy had the life she so yearned to have. He had the smiles she rarely found herself giving. He had the freedom to feel emotions she had long repressed inside. Yes, she was utterly jealous. She was even jealous of his damn hair.
>> 
>> Hilde's eyes narrowed weakly. But still, that was the sort of life she was looking for herself. And she wanted to have it, and to protect those who had it so far. She had no right being upset. In fact, she should revere the peaceful, happy lives of the people around her, and hope that she could find her inner peace someday.
>> 
>> She then turned to walk away, but was abruptly stopped by her logical thoughts. Still, there was another _war_ out there, and that boy could put himself to good use by helping them! If they all wanted mutual peace, then they should all help to strive for that. People like him shouldn't be loitering around listlessly!
>> 
>> An idea suddenly came to her. Deep blue eyes widening in triumph, Hilde dug out for the application form for volunteers from her pocket. Now that she was an OZ officer wanting to stop the war in order to find peace, herself, she could at least do her job.
>> 
>> Striding over to the boy, she found herself suddenly nervous? _Why?_ She asked herself, but stubbornly pushed her disturbing thoughts away. As a result, she had stopped before him and pushed the form a little bit too nearly to his face. _Auch_, she winced as the boy had to move back. "Hey!"
>> 
>> Despite herself, Hilde gave a sheepish grin, "Excuse me." She drew the paper away and composed herself to speak. "I'm looking for volunteers for OZ…"
>> 
>> Her voice trailed away when the boy adjusted his glasses and took hold of the application form in her hand. He didn't take it from her hands though. His eyes ran over it slowly, taking all the time in the world, but the amused set in his mouth told her that he wasn't finding the contents of the form significant.
>> 
>> _Okay, so he doesn't like it_, she sighed. Rolling her eyes, she snatched the paper away. "That's okay. Fine, I see you're not interested. I'm sorry for taking your time."
>> 
>> And without saying another word, she moved away. _At least I tried._ Be it for lazy young men to bum out the whole day…  

>> 
>> "Wait!"
>> 
>> Hilde whirled around, her brow raised, "Yes?"
>> 
>> "Face me." The boy said.
>> 
>> Her brow raised once more. Was he _ordering_ her to face him completely? Of all the nerve! _Calm down, you can get a new recruit_… She closed her eyes and sighed, then did as he wished.
>> 
>> "Better," he muttered, pleased. His voice had such a dominating, somewhat insinuating quality to it that Hilde found annoying. "Now, what was that you were saying?"
>> 
>> Hilde cursed to herself. Fine. "OZ is looking for more volunteers from the colonies to help stop the war. I thought you might be interested in helping the colonies," he snorted, but she ignored it, "by joining. You can always sign up. So many young people are signing themselves up…"
>> 
>> She found that as she was speaking, the boy was looking at her strangely. He started staring at her boots, then slowly, slowly moving upwards, until they reached her face. He gave a wry glance at her spiked up bangs, then stared at her face again. Hilde wanted to gut him. But as she bit back a smart-ass comment, she realized that her heart was pounding madly in her chest.
>> 
>> __What?! She simply shook her head then went on, trying to ignore the elated sensations within her. But as she paused in her speech, she saw him giving her an amused grin. She was flustered immediately. __Dummkopf!
>> 
>> "And finally, if you get to sign on time, we'll be taken on a trip to the Moon Base first thing tomorrow. At least you might find _that_ interesting. Give it a try."
>> 
>> His eyes seemed to widen underneath his shades at the mention of the Moon Base, and suddenly, it was as if she wasn't there. He was trapped in his own world.
>> 
>> Shrugging, Hilde then walked off. She resisted the urge to stomp her foot. What the heck was _that_ all about? Blushing like a schoolgirl! She had men trying to make obvious passes at her back in the _Base_, but never was she like this! Stupid… What was it with that boy?
>> 
>> "Hey, wait!"
>> 
>> Hilde snorted. Just what she needed. But when she turned around, he was suddenly before her. He had removed his shades, and Hilde met his eyes.
>> 
>> Then was promptly dumbstruck. "Damn," she whispered to herself, but he obviously heard. His eyes were of a deep, prominent violet color. She had never seen anything like it before. His face broke into another arrogant grin.
>> 
>> "I just want to ask you something." He whispered teasingly.
>> 
>> Hilde didn't know whether she wanted to snort or to faint. Damn it, he was driving her into distraction. Was it just a few minutes ago when she so-confidently proclaimed that no one would ever get to her? "What?"
>> 
>> "What are you fighting for?" It was a deathly serious, urgent question.
>> 
>> Hilde didn't know what caused her to answer so sincerely when she knew she couldn't trust him, but the words came out of her mouth so easily, as if they were meant to answer to his own. "I fight to protect the colonies - for peace, for _life_, because at the same time, I am fighting for my dreams."
>> 
>> And suddenly, he gave her a tender smile. A seemingly genuine one, which contrasted his arrogant, insulting grins earlier. It was as if she had passed a test, as if he found her utterly admirable. Her heart suddenly stopped beating.
>> 
>> "What is your name?" he asked softly.
>> 
>> __Name! Don't-"Hilde. Hilde Schbeiker." __What in the world-
>> 
>> She shook her head at her combating thoughts. She had simply followed her instincts by answering him, and she hoped that she would be right in entrusting him with that information.
>> 
>> "Hilde…" he whispered. "Nice name. I'm Duo Maxwell."
>> 
>> Hilde snorted. "You're not going to ask me why my name's not Hilda? Pleased to meet you, by the way."
>> 
>> He smirked at her comments, but shook her hand. "I like that in a girl."
>> 
>> But before she could blush any further, or sputter embarrassed words, he turned and walked off to the doors. Hilde then unwillingly realized that she regretted having him leave.
>> 
>> It was nothing, she thought as she stared at his black-clad figure reached his destination. She didn't understand her reactions to him, but that didn't change the fact that she didn't trust him. No one really cared, no one would show her true kindness, and no one deserved her trust, or the knowledge of who she really was.
>> 
>> But before she could return to her duty, Duo Maxwell suddenly turned back to her. He gave her a stare that bore through her soul, as if he understood her and knew her secrets.
>> 
>> Hilde almost stumbled back at the intensity of his look.
>> 
>> She could almost believe he was genuinely a good person, someone who cared.
>> 
>> He didn't move. _Nein_, she shook her head. __I can't trust, not yet.
>> 
>> His violet eyes seemed to speak to her. __I'll be back. You're not leaving.
>> 
>> ~~~
>> 
>> It was the premonition of things to come-
>> 
>> And the start of an amazing relationship.
>> 
>> It was, in some way, the start of her deliverance.
>> 
>> ~~~
>> 
>> Three Years Later…
>> 
>> There was nothing, it was so dark.
>> 
>> _Tap._
>> 
>> What was that?
>> 
>> _Tap. Tap._
>> 
>> It was coming nearer…
>> 
>> The resounding noise bled through her ears…
>> 
>> And suddenly, an icy stream of memories gushed forth…
>> 
>> Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
>> 
>> He's calling out my name - no! She thought frantically as a sudden plethora of fears washed over her. She did not want to be afraid, or be belittled, yet she was being cornered into destruction once more. Not again…
>> 
>> They are approaching. Frightened to her wits, she huddled into a fetal position, and lay in the oblivion dark. Her fear settled roughly over sane intuitions and the past returned to the present. All she knew was that she needed to hide. They should never see her in this defenseless state. How could they come back, when she had already left them behind? _Oh Dear Lord_, she prayed, _Let them leave me._
>> 
>> Suddenly, behind her, __"Click!"
>> 
>> She stifled a scream.
>> 
>> And with that, she ran, away from the footsteps, away from them all, away from the pain. Yet they followed; she had been hiding, but wherever she went, he would always be there.
>> 
>> "Heidi, come back…" the melodious, yet sinister voice induced. _"Where are you? You better show yourself. You know I won't be pleased."_ She choked as she nearly tripped, but went further, anything to just get away from them. "No!"
>> 
>> "Heidi…"
>> 
>> Why am I scared? I must not be intimidated. She scolded herself mentally. That was what I told myself to feel. Yet the pain returned, and her thoughts were left disoriented. But she heard the name again, then stopped from her desperate efforts and turned to face him. "That's not my name!"
>> 
>> "The other one? That's a ridiculous name, she doesn't exist. Your name is Heidi remember? And you are mine."
>> 
>> She gasped angrily, and suddenly, a side of her, consisted of the past and the hurts, wanted to release itself. And she found herself trying to control her fury, and her fear, "Leave me alone," she gritted.
>> 
>> "You just left us."
>> 
>> She remembered when she last heard those words and shuddered. "Damn you!" she screeched, her eyes filling with painful tears. "I will never come back. I'm not the same person anymore."
>> 
>> "Oh yes you are, you sadist little fox."
>> 
>> She faced her back, and there she stood. Along with all the others she had been with before.
>> 
>> "You think you're not a part of us anymore? You're bound to us, to the master. And you thought you could escape and leave them all behind? How insipid you are."
>> 
>> Her eyes widened frantically as she walked backwards. She shook her head unbelievingly. "I'm not -"
>> 
>> _"Oh, so the only silent trainee started talking. Oh look at that, she's scared, when for once, she had led our baton. She can't even cuss anymore."_
>> 
>> She shook at their words, and her arms balled into fists, "Look, I told you to leave me alone! I don't want to anymore. I'm different now, and I'm not who I used to be. I want to live my life on my own now. Now please, -"
>> 
>> Suddenly, a pale hand gently lay on her shoulder, and she froze. Then the same hand trailed down her arms… to her hands, in the inciting, dark way it had always been. Then wet lips brushed over her white cheeks, licking the traces of her tears. She whimpered, and a soft laugh reached her ears. His hand stopped before her own, and his thumb lay circling motions on it, then swaying to form a symbol; a star.
>> 
>> "Stop," she begged as the tears fell, and his other arm clasped her waist to him. She had been hiding for years, and now there was no escape…
>> 
>> "Welcome back, Heidi," he whispered, and she gasped.
>> 
>> Then they all started laughing as he laughed along with them, and his arms tightened around her… he was hissing in her ear. __"I'll follow you wherever you go, Child."
>> 
>> Then the world spun around her, out of control. Her tears, the laughter, all the menace, the mocking of her dignity, the feel of his arms on hers… the threats, all circled her, enveloping her into a world of pain, confusion, death and frustration. She then finally screamed out of the intensity of it all.
>> 
>> "I follow yu."
>> 
>> "Stop from hiding, yu will die."
>> 
>> "Its bin a long time. Da master wud be pleased."
>> 
>> "GOT yu! HA Ha HA!"
>> 
>> Icy blue eyes…
>> 
>> A gentle smile…
>> 
>> … She's beautiful… Our daughter…
>> 
>> Then laughter
>> 
>> Then pain
>> 
>> Then death
>> 
>> And at the end of the tunnel, a person stood in the center. Her form shook, incredulous, no, it could not be. He was smiling at her, and had an affectionate look in his eyes. His arms were open, ready to receive her, if not teasing her a bit. It was like the very first time she had met him.
>> 
>> I am safe, she concluded finally, her eyes widening. Finally, they're all gone. She tried to hold out a hand to reach for him.
>> 
>> Then once again, they appeared… they all formed a wide, frightening circle around him… one had a gun pointed at him…
>> 
>> He whispered her name…
>> 
>> _He_ smiled, "You've been hiding behind the backs of too many people, Heidi."
>> 
>> "No…"
>> 
>> "You will kill him, you know? Once a killer, always a killer." And he used the gun.
>> 
>> Then Duo Maxwell, oblivious to everything, fell to the ground and died.
>> 
>> "It has begun."
>> 
>> She awoke in the dead of the night, tears falling down her face. She then noticed the notes on the side of her table and nodded frantically.
>> 
>> It was just a dream.
>> 
>> It was a nightmare.
>> 
>> ~~~
>> 
>> In the darkness of the room, a figure stood, staring, and waiting for her.
>> 
>> It had been years… how many, two? It had taken him that much to think, and to feel. And now he was sure, and was ready to go through whatever it took, just to make things right.
>> 
>> He didn't know how he would feel.
>> 
>> Then she entered the room, and he gasped at her appearance.
>> 
>> So beautiful, so kind and gentle, her golden brown hair fixed so enigmatically, swaying as she moved, her deep blue eyes, those that captured him from the start… yet then, he was unknown to her. _Am I doing what is right?_
>> 
>> It took me two years to understand, he thought grimly to himself as he finally moved to be seen in the open. It is the right time.
>> 
>> She walked away from her vanity mirror and turned to her bed, only to find him standing before her.
>> 
>> "Heero," Relena gasped.
>> 
>>   
End.  



	2. Part 1: -I know how it feels to hide.-

Part 1

Part 1

_"When you wake up and find me gone tomorrow__  
__Don't think I meant to hurt you_  
_I just did what we knew I had to do_  
_Oh and all the time we knew__  
__And time was never right for us_  
_Time to leave this love behind_  
_I could never leave you Baby if I see you cry._

_"I'll say goodbye for the two of us__  
__Tonight, while you sleep_  
_I'll kiss you softly one last time._  
_And say goodbye like I know we must_  
_There's just no other way_  
_And I couldn't bear to see your heart away_  
_So I'll wait till you're asleep to say goodbye._

_"Just realized how hard it is to do this__  
__I'm trying to make it through this_  
_Say goodbye just as softly as I can_  
_Please try to understand_  
_'Cause time's just not the time for us._  
_We knew I couldn't stay_  
_But that don't make it easier to leave you_  
_So well I can find the strength._

_"I'll say goodbye for the two of us__  
__Tonight while you sleep_  
_I'll kiss you softly one last time and say goodbye._

_"Before your arms embrace me__  
__Before your kisses take me_  
_Before your eyes could make me stay._

_"When you wake up and find me gone tomorrow__  
__Don't think I meant to hurt you_  
_Goodbye."_

"I'll Say Goodbye for The Two of Us." The song written by

She wanted to cry.

She turned to her right, facing the glimpses the dark landscape allowed her to see. Not now. She shut her eyes, _for him_.

Taking in a deep breath, she thought about the consequences that may happen if she didn't go through with her plans. At the reanalyzing of the incidents, she gasped. It was too dangerous. 

She had to leave.

She gulped, then moved forward, now directly before him in his bed. Her eyes watered as she stared at his sleeping form, slightly revealing discomfort due to the unnatural balance of weight. His lids were contorted, as if sensing something wrong. Then his right arm, slung to the opposite side as if holding somebody, tightened its hold on a missing form, as if wanting to protect it, or seeking assurance.

She choked, he thinks I'm still beside him.

She forced herself to approach him, though reluctant, fearing she wouldn't let go. Slowly, she neared him, just as he whispered her name in sleep.

She compelled a smile on her face, her lips quivering as she held his hand. "Duo," she hushed soothingly as she caressed his hand, savoring the familiar feel of his impossibly soft skin and calluses for the last time.

His eyelids left its state of contortion, and returned to a peaceful appearance. His arms lost its tenseness and relaxed to her voice. A contented smile replaced his disturbed lips as she closed her eyes and traced her fingers through it.

Her eyes watered, that always worked on him, especially whenever she would...

A tear fell from her eye as she lovingly ran her hands in gentle motions across his face, then by his hair. His blissful face burned into her memory, and she used her other hand to wipe the irate tear. "I love you, don't you know that?" she laughed shakily.

... watch him while he slept.

She couldn't bear it any longer. Just seeing his happy face was enough to make her forget... and she tore her hand from his face.

Hastily, she stood up, her movements unorganized due to her emotionality. Wiping the remaining tears, she stepped back away from him, as much as possible keeping him in her sight. _One last time_...

And she took the suitcase by the wall in hand, and turned to leave. But against her will, she still looked back. Sighing, she tried to stop another onslaught of tears. 

_Remember me, Duo Maxwell_. "Goodbye."

She stood in the distance, luggage in hand. Standing before a car, she turned to give one last look at the house she was leaving. In the climax of a rising sun, the orange feathers placing its gentle, but protective hold on the two-story building made it seem impossible for her to leave. But she had to, and he didn't know…

"Dear God," she whispered, pleading as she faced the mildly illuminating orange globe in the east "Protect him for me."

"Don't despise me, Duo. This is for you." And with one last look, she went into the car, allowing the discreet, yet dull thud to echo in her ears. She then straightened herself, whispering, "You can't live with a person followed by the real Death, himself." and left without a sound. 

Heero looked on ahead as he fingered the activator in his hand. Within a few minutes, he was to destroy the Embassy endowed by the Space Colonial Stars on Earth. What such action could yield wasn't new to him. He already knew. 

He stared at the red button on the compartment in his hand. With the pushing of the button, total mayhem will arise, it may probably severe the strengthening ties between the Space Colonial Stars and Earth, but he didn't care.

"Yo' man," a tall, bulgy man in his early thirties called to him. His stubby beard twitched with irritation. "Will ya let dat doggone bomb explode or not? I don' want ta haf ta do it for ya."

He looked at him wordlessly, and after a few seconds of silence, turned his attention back to the tall, majestic tower that stood before him. It had been heavily guarded, but it was nothing to him. 

"Thirty seconds and twenty point three milliseconds left. The bombs will spread within a radius of forty meters from outside the building. I suggest you leave," the former Gundam pilot's stoic voice began. 

"A what? Dat's impossible! Just how many bombs did ya put in the buildy ove' there? Yo're gonna kill us all!" the big ruffian snorted angrily. "I tell ya little boy, it ain't gonna work dat way –"

"Leave." He said tersely. "And leave my money."

The large man stopped from his sputtering and gave him a strange look. "Yo're crazy."

Heero actually smiled, "And so I am."

Ten seconds to go, and the man had left. Heero fingered the bag of millions of yen in hand. There was high pay, and he didn't resist. It wasn't because of the money, though. 

_ What happened?_He asked himself. No, it had never been about the money. He had joined the assassin group instructed by a mysterious source to destroy the Embassy. He had opted for independence, though, and had offered to set the bombs himself, as he assigned them to places as guards, though he could do without them. The leader had been insulted, him giving positions and setting instructions. But a duel of words was all it took. And his assurance was what set them into action. They were doing the wrong thing, against peace and for destruction. But the other men did it for money.

_ Pain._

Him, he did it for himself.

Five seconds and thirty-three milliseconds.

He needed to escape, to get away from all the darkness of the past events.

_ "Heero, I couldn't wait any longer. You took so long… and I didn't have the strength to hold up myself for you. _

_ Years, Heero, I waited for so many years... cried your name for so many nights... I couldn't do it anymore, for I knew I would be destroying my life if I furthered it. I had been a naïve and stupid girl Heero, and I needed to change, to move forward. And I had decided to look to what's _ahead_ of me. My future. And Heero, you weren't there, you were already gone._

_ "I tried to look for you, Heero. I tried, I kept on insisting, but you simply couldn't be placed in my life again, not if I wanted to learn and to succeed."_

He needed to kill.

"Wait. You didn't wait!" he growled.

_ She faced the curtains and stared outside the window, "I'm different from the Relena you have seen before. I'm the mediator now, and I'm living up to my name. See?" she motioned to herself and straightened her posture, "I'm growing stronger. I had done the right thing."___

_ She then looked at him from the side of her eyes. "I'm leaving tomorrow, to stay with the President's son in the second division." Her eyes watered, "Heero, I hope it's going to be _him._ I'm recovering now, Heero. I'm going to be happy, finally." And she gave him a shaky smile. A genuine smile._

Happy, so she was to be happy, to have joy in her life. Him, what about himself? And then he thought that she would have been there. After finally accepting her hold on his life…

_ He wasn't affected by her words, he hadn't understood._

He pressed the button.

The Embassy exploded.

As the fire spread, the figure ran with amazing speed away from it. Holding another device in his pocket, he set to push it. But debris from what was once an enormous, towering building fell on him. One large piece buried into his left arm. He stopped for a while, the pain intensifying. But as danger loomed over him, his senses returned back to its normal pace and he proceeded in pressing the button.

As the whole building began to collapse, the figure was sent flying over to the distance. He dropped near the river, and proceeded in going there.

"Damn," Ora, the large man with Heero earlier, commented as he stared at the sight before him. They were in a safe distance, by the trees in a nearby location. "Will ya look at dat? It worked. The little rug-rat did it."

A fellow mercenary made his way near him, "Well, it worked well, I tell you. But by the way, where is the kid?"

Ora shrugged, "Dunno, left him there. Warned me about da radius, yada yada. He sure as well hav' destroyed himself."

A female approached them and sat beside them. "I'd not be speaking if I were you, bud. If such a kid can do _that_," she said breathlessly, waving a hand over the destruction taking place, "assign us to various strategic places and keep us safe. Well, I'm willing to wager he's alive."

"Why did he join us anyway. Such a newbie, yet so good, he could work on his own?" the other man asked.

"If ya ask me," Ora began, "I simply don't know." 

Suddenly, noise startled them, and they were surprised when a squad of highly trained officers greeted them. "You are under arrest," the head official yelled from the distance.

"A trap!" the woman whispered, horrified.

"Well what da ya know. The _Source_ traded us in," Ora cursed.

"And we can't trade them back," the other man said.

  
Heero looked on, interested as his face appeared on national television. He was looking at one of the display televisions before cinemas. The large screen toned on, notifying the people to stay clear of the person. Him being a "dangerous mercenary" who could "kill more" out there. The explosion killed twenty-nine, including one of the valued ministers of the Space Colonies. Along with that, a tally count of sixty-four had been injured. This has caused the wariness and the outrage of the colonies.

_ Now look_, he began, smiling from an alleyway, _They weren't able to give the controversial _Source,_ yet they were able to give my name and appearance away._ A sketch of him filled the screen, along with another of Ora's missing group mates.

It started raining, and he leaned on the moist walls of the dark recess. Shielding himself from the raindrops, he furthered inside the place. Far enough to be safe, close enough to run off when needed, close enough to be seen.

What would she think now?

Heero smiled, but his smile was not effective. His eyes sparkled with anger, probed by the bitterness that seemed to embalm itself forever in those brown depths. 

Yes, what happened? It was two years after the damaging era Maremaia gave a start to. He had been sixteen then, an immature sixteen years. He hadn't known what to make out of that even then. Peace, finally. Yet he didn't understand what his purpose was, and what was to happen to him. Relena, he had the chance to be with her, but he wasn't sure.

He had been insecure, he finally admitted as he stared at the people watching the news. After the resting of the most affecting event in his life, the death of the girl, he didn't know what to do next. He had no new rules to follow nor strength or inspiration behind him. There were no guides, and he wasn't sure what road to take.

His life had been difficult, and no one was allowed to see him weak, or emotional. And when Relena held him… it was different, a feeling of openness breached within him. It was a sensation he had never felt before. So gentle and loving it was, that it captivated him and took its hold on him, never wanting to release itself. He was willing to admit to such an impossible thing now.

And he wanted to feel more, to know what it was like, to finally be happy or content – for just once – and even to show affection, if required. He needed to, but he was doubtful and scared.

Relena had been different, and he needed time, so to learn what he was really to do in life. So he thought, meditated, analyzed… and opened. Opened himself to what he really felt and tied to find an answer.

Hoping that someone had finally learned to accept him, he went to her. Back to her. After two years of searching, he had been ready.

And he found out that she was no longer waiting. 

What was the meaning of all of that? Moving _ahead?_

His world had shattered then, he wasn't intact with his emotions, but he knew that that was how he had felt. After finally putting himself in the line, he didn't understand. After finally accepting her, how could it be that such would bring so much pain? That the revelation of emotions could actually destroy one's world… how could she –

He gave a defiant roar as he snatched out the white linen cloth covering his injured arm, "Relena…" And, losing well-maintained control, he grabbed a piece of fallen cement angrily and tried to increase the damage by hitting the wound again. His eyes watered, and his sight blurred, funny, he always thought he had run out of tears. But that was of no meaning. No one cared; he didn't care…

"Heero, so it _is_ you! Oh, Pain, what are you doing here? And what are you doing to yourself?"

The female voice entered his mind.

And he looked up, familiar…

  
He didn't notice her at first. She had long blue hair, falling past her shoulders, tied up by a modest ponytail. Familiar pale, porcelain face… blue eyes, long lashes, large bangs… She was not new to him; her face was already in his memory, but he couldn't remember. But if it was so, it was evidently washed away by years of thoughts, concentration, and dusts of reprise.

The rain intensified outside.

Suddenly, an image of a naïve-looking fifteen-year-old girl appeared to him. Much larger eyes defined her, and she had extremely short hair lined by outrageous bangs. Her eyes were deep blue, proudly seeking adventure. And he had always noticed how she had walked like a man…

And a distant memory caught him. Duo was holding her hand when he had seen them together in Peacemillion's emergency clinic. _Finally, a girl to charm and shut the Talking Braid_, Trowa, a fellow fighter, had said about the other pilot.

He then stared at the woman before him and stated slowly, "Hilde Schbeiker." 

She nodded. 

But she was different from the girl he had seen before. She stood before him, clutching her coat and holding an umbrella in the other hand. Her figure was now more prominent, like Relena's, and she looked more like a lady. She had gone taller, and her face was gentler, her eyes narrower, showing more maturity. Her hair moved in soft waves, and her bangs had settled on the side of her face. The obnoxious beret cap had been gone too. No wonder he hadn't been able to recognize her. 

"Heero," she began, worried, "what happened to you?" she beckoned as she approached him and quickly took the rock and threw it away from him. He stopped his natural instincts and yielded a sound of frustration, but ceased when her questioning eyes beseeched him.

He laughed, "I think you already know."

Her eyes widened with realization, "I see," Heero said, his muted voice reaching her, "You're not about to ask me about the explosion," he said steadily, as if intimidating her to command her.

She smiled with understanding, "I won't." Her eyes flashed worriedly, "But I'm not about to leave you here, either." She gestured towards his fallen state.

"You are going to turn me in." he accused, his eyes slit. He didn't care if she was Duo's woman or not, where it concerned him, he was willing to…

"No, I'm not," she interrupted, sighing. "Come with me, Heero, you're in no condition to fight." She stood up.

Heero didn't know what to say, being bewildered by the immediate invitation – he didn't trust so easily. "I don't need your help," he refused, independence covering his need.

She shook her head, a small smile beginning to hide beneath the veiling cover of her bangs. "I don't know what happened Heero," she started. "But I know how it feels to hide."

  
She then looked at him and nodded. And, gesturing him to follow, she moved to walk away. The rain grew stronger, immediately hiding traces of her.

Heero was surprised, acutely silent. He didn't know what to think again. The realization went across his mind: that the woman and her words had suddenly confused him into stupefaction. 

Conflicting urges then welled within him. He wanted to follow her, to fill the sudden need to know what her words were all about. But then again, Duo might be with her, and he didn't think he was ready to face the outspoken pilot yet. 

Yet he was in L4 colony, and Duo didn't live there. He was from Colony L2; Hilde and him – both of them lived there, with their scrap metal business, as far as he knew. What was the girl doing here now?

He decided to find answers then, and the rising urge to just trust the woman grew within him. Something told him that doing so was the right thing to do. He weighed the effects of such an action and was then convinced by the deeming convenience of it. Thinking and rethinking, he was shocked by the sudden pressure it implemented in his mind. 

He then shook his head, and so with that assurance of his instinctive thoughts, he stood up, wrapped his jacket around himself and followed outside.

There were no more people, them running from the strong rain. He could barely see the figures of the remaining persons, and thought that it was good. No one would easily recognize him. But where was that girl, Hilde?

His view went to his right and he saw the slim, lithe figure in an umbrella walking ahead. He waited a few more seconds longer and placed himself a considerable distance away from her, then followed her.

He didn't notice another dark figure follow after them.

Hilde entered the house and removed her coat, willing it to slide away from her exhausted shoulders and hanging it by the convenience hook by the foyer. She left the door unlocked for Heero to proceed next. She knew that he would come, and had waited to put them out of suspicion. 

She sighed as she rubbed her other shoulder. She had only arrived here yesterday, and had trouble settling in – she was too used to Duo being around her. And her astute leave two days before had affected her own comforts and methods in her current state of living. She shook her head. 

She then walked into the dining room. Thankfully, the wooden house had been furnished. It was surprising to find it still in a very good condition, if not needing a little bit of cleaning – and _that_ tired her. It had been seven years since she last stood there, in a different light. And Duo, he had no knowledge about it. Or did he?

She sat down on the seat and lay her head in her hands, Duo. He had immediately accepted her without question, not caring about her past, as long as she cared to be his friend and companion. Yes… in actuality, it was more than just that. The stupid _dummkopf_ had understood from the start. And the first time their eyes met, she remembered how his eyes just… knew. And demanded that she not leave. He could pretend to act foolish and uncaring but it was too late to convince her of otherwise. He understood her, his smile assured her of security, and his eyes... the most expressive part of him, telling her and showing her much more than all his words could ever say.

Maybe that was why she loved him, her thoughts, too late to express them to the person in question conceded.

They both valued each other, and the love that had been for friends grew… and grew. No, it hadn't, she knew, for Duo had known from the start. But she had to leave, especially now. His life…

She reached out, "Duo," she whispered, "please understand…"

Her hand dropped, she was dreaming impossible things. After waiting for Duo all those years, and finally starting their blooming relationship that lasted strongly for long, he probably hated her now.

_ He's not like that._She shook her head and decided not to think about Duo for the moment, for her eyes were starting to blur with tears. Aside from that, Heero was about to arrive any moment longer, and she didn't want to look haggard, he looked worse enough for both of them.

She placed a hand to her forehead and released an exhausted breath. First Duo, then Heero… what had she gotten herself into this time?

She stood up. But somehow, she knew that this was the right thing to do.

She then began to straighten out. She stared at the dining room table, large and round. Hmm, but it lacked a good cover, or a straight, intricate rug, like back home… 

She pounded her hand over the table, "_Stop it!"_

"Stop what?"

She turned. Heero was by the now closed door, leaning against her precious wood and clad in his wet attire. His eyes were destitute, though, and he was suspicious, somewhat teasing yet curious. She didn't know what to make out of it.

_ Darn_, she smiled. _At least he's here._


	3. Part 2: -Pilot, you are stupid.-

In the Arms of Destruction Part 2 

In the Arms of Destruction Part 2 

"What?!" 

Quatre took a step back; surprised by the verbal irritation Duo was showing when the braided boy opened his door. But they needed to meet that moment, and no hot reception was going to stop him. The need was very urgent. 

"Duo, how are you?" he began, smiling faintly. 

The said person, who was there before him, was breathing deeply, holding the door wide open. Stress and anger were evident in his eyes, along with the need to be alone. Quatre then noticed the sadness lurking within the violet depths, added by his rugged appearance. His jacket hung loosely from his shoulder, and the collar of his red shirt was uneven, stretched in all places. He wasn't even wearing his shoes, and even his seemingly ever-perfect braid seemed stringy and out of place. 

"Quatre… I don't feel like talking about any of your new missions right now," he said tiredly, his voice filled with fatigue and tinges of sadness, but had more annoyance. "I'm asking you to leave," he spoke with a steady voice, as if finalizing the phrase. He seemed to be having difficulty keeping his words polite. "And not to bother me for now. If you don't, I might do something you wouldn't like." 

And without waiting for a reply, he tried to shut the door. But Quatre, all of a sudden too much bothered by Duo's condition, knew what he had to do and stopped him. "Duo, wait." Pushing with all his might, he tried to prevent the door from closing. 

Duo struggled with his reprise, but seemed too muddle- headed to do much. Quatre pushed on the door with all his strength, and eventually won over and had succeeded in putting it out of the way. Duo stared at him defiantly, his eyes glittering with new anger. "Look, I warned you, Quatre. Leave!" 

Quatre ignored him, "Duo, what's wrong?" 

He didn't reply immediately, "You don't need to know, Quatre. Not now." 

He was suddenly so stricken, and he started shaking angrily. He started to point to the door. "Leave, now!" he ordered, as he fought to stop himself from attacking Quatre. The latter, immediately noticing his intention, was quick enough to move behind him and lock his arms to prevent a brawl. 

"Duo, stop it," he said trying to soothe the boy's angry nerves. He started with his conclusions: "You have to listen to me. You haven't been eating for days. You haven't been taking your baths either. You've been drinking. What happened?" 

The boy didn't reply, but he stopped struggling, and a sob escaped his throat. Only his deep breaths filled the air with sounds. 

"Duo…" 

"She left, damn it!" he slurred before falling to his knees on the ground. "Leave me alone…" he whispered tiredly. 

Quatre's eyes narrowed with confusion, but when he saw the ruined house, he finally understood. "I see." 

~~~ 

  
Heero watched Hilde as she tried to divert his attention from her earlier reaction. She smiled, "Hello Heero. Come in," she motioned toward the table. 

He particularly didn't want to, but having an urge from within, did so and entered the dining room. 

One thing he noticed about the house, Duo was not there. There were no tracking devices, for he had immediately followed the standard rule and set his own machine detector the moment he came there, for precaution. So she hadn't been lying, surprising. Another thing was the fact that, no matter how unattractive the unpainted wooden house was, it actually looked comfortable.

His eyes traveled, and then noticed that there was old style furniture with light, airy drapes, and velvet cushions that lined the chairs… he didn't sit down. 

He watched Hilde as she moved about, drawing the curtains open to allow more of the cold air from the rain in. It felt strange, he perceived; staying in a room while watching a woman set it for you. His eyes narrowed over the unnerving stress he was feeling. "Where is he?" 

Hilde paused while holding a large drape. She slowly turned to him, "Who 'he'?" she asked, her eyes bewildered and curious. 

Was she playing innocent? "I've always seen you with the him. You know who he is. Duo Maxwell is probably here somewhere." 

He was shocked when she suddenly looked forlorn. Her eyes lost their sparkle and she looked away, "He's not here." She said quietly. 

He didn't speak after that. 

Hilde faced the window, "He doesn't even know I'm here. But he couldn't find out. He shouldn't," she said resolutely, as if talking to herself. 

He wondered what she was talking about, and all former questions rose again within him, sizing up and seemingly wanting to quench free. But he knew that asking so soon would be a mistake, and it would have probably hurt or befuddle her. So he kept silent, only to be diverted when she turned to him again with another smile. 

"Sit down, Heero. Make yourself comfortable." She opened the windows; "You can stay here as long as you like." 

As long as he liked? Then he'd be damned; he wouldn't choose to stay there for even an hour! But his own thoughts were contradicted with the reasons he had for being there in the first place. 

In the spur of the moment, the sudden turn of events all the more confused him, along with Relena's rejection, the sudden hunt for him, and the deaths he had been the cause of. All of them were then finished by this new problem he had gotten into. 

He suddenly tensed and was filled with frustration and rage. The sudden effect was then lashed together by the abrupt decision to leave, and threaten to hurt Hilde if she dared to stop him. But he was interrupted when he saw the view shown outside of the window. 

There stood a beautiful garden, garnered fresh by the rain, creating a beautiful, whitish mist about it. An assortment of greens, all blending to form a beautiful milieu huddled together perfectly, as if performing a silent dance. Series of flowers all lined to form the perfection of the place. A sweetly provocative scene besieged him, one that offered you to go there and hide in their beauty and their shade forever. 

He stood there, an awed, yet coy look on his face as he stared at it. How can human hands create such a place? He then turned to Hilde, who stared at it with pride, "Beautiful, isn't it? The rain seems to create jewels from the plants. Someone else started it, but I've been secretly coming here time and time to fix it and arrange it. My," she exclaimed, running a hand over one of her arms, "it sure did take the strength out of me yesterday." 

She looked at his disbelieving face, "Heero, it's not hard. All it takes is the love for what you're doing, a reason for doing it, and determination. That's what they said, and that's what I believe." 

_The love for what you're doing… a reason… determination… Who are 'they'?_

He pondered at her words. He had always been observant, but never without a purpose, like now. However, her words beckoned him. And they seemed so true. 

Hilde then averted her eyes from the garden and turned to him. "Now, let's get your wounds done. That one on your shoulder seems mighty painful, isn't it? It looks like it will never be healed. But it's all the blood isn't it?" 

_Maybe. He silently concluded, drawing from his recent distraction. _

She laughed at his supposed silence and went to the side of the room on the drawer. There she removed a piece of wash cloth and a box of cleaning aids. "But I guess it won't be as painful, since you've always been used to such bruises –" 

_I have. _

"—Come and sit, I'll do the rest." 

He sat down to appease her. And his wound _was getting painful. He acknowledged her words, though, and agreed with them silently. _

She pulled out a bottle of antiseptic and stood up to take a basin of water from the kitchen. Heero waited for her to return while varying the contents of the kit. Cotton, gauze, scissors... all useful, he concluded, if not quite rusty from time. She lacked more supplies, though. And her house could barely keep anyone safe; it lacked protection, and proper communication, added by insufficient transportation. His thoughts stopped when she came back and knelt on the floor beside him, starting with her medication. 

She touched his wound, and he immediately took his hand away. He then noticed the exhausted, sympathizing, and hurt look in her eyes. He was suddenly unexplainably alarmed and turned to say something, but she already began. 

"Don't worry Heero, I know how to do this. I've been trained for this." She assured him, concentrating on his wound as she began to touch it with the cloth again. 

He tensed and sighed, then kept silent. An admission came to himself in the presence of stillness: that it wasn't because of the pain, or the distrust in her, as he just realized; he had never had someone touch him… maybe, if the purpose was to hurt him. Relena had been different, of course, but her visage seemed blurry to him already. Removing the unprecedented tension in his mind, he stared wordlessly as she began to wash his wound and to remove the dirt, ignoring the fire-like sensation spreading in his arm. 

He concentrated on her face, more importantly, trying not to take attention to the fact that someone was holding his arm. 

"Heero," she added as she looked into his eyes – this time, more meaningfully, "I won't hurt you."   
  
He then gasped, not knowing if it was because of her words or because she had begun to apply antiseptic in his arm. But Hilde took no notice to this; "I will never do that, Heero. To you, or to anyone. That's why I'm here, to prevent anyone from being hurt. Stay here." 

And they didn't speak anymore. 

~~~ 

"You say Heero did what?" Duo groaned, clutching his head. His case of hangover from the drinking was still at its worst. 

"Heero is on the wanted list. He set the SCS Embassy on fire by activating a bomb in it. He was said to join the assassin group just before the assignment. Now he's missing," Wufei repeated for him, then he faced the window silently. 

Duo looked up, "Well, why for? Heero is not that kind of person." 

Trowa nodded, "That's why we're here. We all know what's happened, the question is, why?" 

Duo continued, "But, hey, shouldn't we be leaving Heero in on this? After all, what he does is his own business. Sure, they may all be a part of something he knows in advance and all other mysterious stuff, but we've had our share of that. Heero always knows what he's doing, and he could take care of himself. 

"And another thing is the fact that we don't have our Gundams anymore. No offense, Wufei," he added hastily, "But our Gundams are the only things that kept us tied to each other." 

Quatre nodded. "I know. But that is just a part of it. The main reason we're here is because of another issue, probably related to Heero as well." 

When silence followed, he continued, "The assassins did something that might as well have ruined our ties with Space Colonial Stars. It seems as if someone is out there with another plan again." 

"What do you mean?" Trowa asked, "Weren't the assassins the ones who wanted it that way? And all the men were caught. That should conclude that the danger is over." 

"No," it was Wufei who answered the question for Trowa, "I've been watching out on this, and there was what they said to be the "Source." A person they cannot possibly 'throw in' and reveal.It was going to be useless, so they said, for they, themselves, didn't know much about the person who ordered them to do so. A stupid decision, actually, but all they were concerned about was the money." 

"So what you're saying is…" 

"The so-called Source, the influential Source. Who is he? What are his plans? Obviously, the person has all the essential factors for strength: the money, the power and the mind. There is something behind this whole façade," Quatre responded, sipping on his tea. "More or less, it couldn't be just one man, it must be a faction, a group. If worse, a new and secret organization. Space Colonial Stars had always been the target for everything, you must understand. It will cause the weakening of ties, and eventual warfare." 

"But that's not our duty anymore." 

They all turned to Duo, who had a glazed look in his eyes. "I miss those days, and I will never forget my Shinigami, but the protection of both Earth and the Space colonies are no longer part of our concerns. It has nothing to do with us, and we can't do anything about it either." 

"That's where you're wrong." 

Wufei stopped from his staring post by the window. "We are not useless. We can do something." 

It was even fortunate enough for them to have Wufei in the group. The man, much too stubborn and independent, had switched sides before, and was the only one who didn't have his own Gundam self-destructed. Getting him to cooperate was hard enough, and Quatre was pleased by his determination. 

"Wufei," Duo quietly began, and Quatre then saw the maturity the so-called "naughty" boy had grown over the years, "You're the only one with your Gundam." Trowa nodded, his face serious. 

"That shouldn't be looked at as that way," Quatre intervened. "We should look at that as an asset. We're lucky enough to have his Gundam for help. And we're still connected to the event." 

Trowa nodded, "I understand." 

Duo saw this, "You mean…" 

"Yes," Quatre affirmed. "Even without our Gundams, or even years from now, the protection of both places will always be our responsibility, even from the start. Though the real intentions were different, we have already bonded ourselves to such an obligation. If we won't start, I doubt anyone will, and no one else will be more capable." 

Duo sighed, "If you put it that way… I will understand – and wait, what about Heero?" 

Quatre nodded, "This is where he comes in, and us as well. He was a part of the assassin group; he could know something. Though his sudden turn of sides surprises me, and even brings in uncertainty, his attachment to the event still pulls us nearer to obligation." 

Duo nodded, "Then what must we do?" 

"We must contact the real, known protectors." Quatre answered, glancing at Wufei. 

"Preventers." 

~~~ 

"Why are you doing this?" Heero asked, after hours of silence. 

Hilde set down a plate before him. "You mean helping you?" 

He nodded, tentatively taking a fork. His eyes suddenly flashed suspiciously, as if noticing something. But the gleam immediately faded, causing her wonder to cease. She dismissed the intuition. 

_At least he's eating, a good sign, she thought. She then sat too, facing him. "Because I had to? I don't know." _

Heero had a confused look on his face, but he tried to conceal it. She laughed, "No, Heero. What if I put it this way? Why did you do _it?" _

His eyes shot from the food to form a glare at her. Such that would have intimidated anyone else, but not her, she had already been used to that, "I'm not demanding you for an answer, Heero, I'm asking you to think. Why did you follow me when you know I might as well turn you in? Why did you bomb the building? Now, there's a reason for you to do that, right? 

"Everything, every event that happens in your life has a reason and a purpose, in my opinion. No matter how concealed that reason is, it will always be there, and it will always be _right, will always be for your own good. The outcome will depend on how you carry and accept this 'reason.' And somehow, I felt that I needed to take you in, I believe that there is a reason to make up for why I did that, but I still can't see it right now. It will come, though." _

She stopped and held out a bowl to him, "Noodles?" 

"Sorry if my useless chattering gets to you. Someone gave me all those philosophies and stubbornly refused to give up until I accepted them. Duo claims I drive him mad with them sometimes." 

He stopped staring at her, finally putting the thought into further comprehension. And just as she was about to give up and put the bowl back down, he took it from her hands and placed an amount on his plate. She smiled. 

What did she know? 

Heero ate without a sound, willing his body to relax and his mind to think. He then stared at her. This was just the woman his fellow Gundam Pilot was doing a joint business with, probably his friend or someone more than that at most. It was ironic for them to be in such a situation upon this time. He never thought that he would find himself wondering about the woman, who was never related to him. 

Yet, now, it all of a sudden seemed to his senses that this girl was a lot deeper, somewhere he couldn't reach. It vaguely felt like reaching out to touch a mystifying object, only to find out that it was blocked by colorless glass. To drop something in a shallow well, then discovering that it was a lot deeper than it seemed, endless. And _now he was becoming analogous, yet it was the truth. He shook his head, confusion and irritation filling him. _

"Heero," she said, breaking him off his thoughts, he turned to her. "You're being here has a reason too." 

~~~

Quatre saw Duo lounging by the window, staring at the vast landscape from outside the aircraft. His eyes were sullen, serious, and his brows were drawn tight in concentration. No, he wasn't watching the view, he was thinking. Quatre sighed, now was the time to talk. 

"Duo, are you alright?" 

Duo heard him, and took time in facing him. He just continuously watched the scenery, contemplating deeply to himself. Quatre had to wait for him for awhile. But when the man had gathered his thoughts, he finally turned to him. He then offered him a small smile, "Me? Alright? Sure... I guess." He paused, and then sighed, "I mean, there are no life threatening problems so far, right?" And then, out of the blue, he turned away. "Oh-- what's wrong?"

Quatre shook his head and approached him. Now what kind of response was that? But it surely answered Quatre's suspicions. "Yes Duo, you gave me the right question, the one I must ask _you. What's wrong?" _

Duo stopped; slightly shocked by the abrupt and straightforward question Quatre had given him. And when the answer to the blonde boy's question came back to his thinking, his eyes glazed once more, and he gasped. But then, realizing that it was of no use, he just sighed and looked away. "Quatre, I'm so sorry, about, you know… what happened that day. I was having some problems accepting my situation. I was just…" 

Quatre faced the window; "She left." 

Duo followed him, and suddenly broke into an emotional, yet deathly grim frenzy, "Quatre, I didn't even know why. Why: that's all I needed," he said quietly. "She wouldn't have done that without a reason, and I can't think of something. She's out there, Quatre, and I know there's some mystery about where she came from. She might be hiding from something. 

"The stupid tomboy took off without giving me a word or a clue. I don't know where she is, and I can't protect her, or follow her, or demand a reason…" _I should have known. _He shook his head and turned to look away; as if he was embarrassed, or ashamed by the sudden display of emotion, yet desperately needing to release everything out. 

Quatre nodded, smiling. He had never seen him so passionate before. "I think I know why, Duo. But why do you think did she leave? Were you ever… romantically involved?" 

Duo laughed at Quatre's attempts to be modest, and the latter joined him in their mirth. "Yes. Heck, I'm willing to admit _that_. I love her. It took the longest time to accept that complete realization; I thought that even if I knew my feelings, I could never open up to the idea of a full and deep commitment. And then there was my past. But there was just… something about her that reached out to me." Suddenly lost in memory, he started babbling, a slightly mischievous look in his eyes. "Maybe it was the way she pouted whenever I teased her, or how she smiled whenever I allowed her to win. Once again, I don't have to prove _that."_

Suddenly, his dark violet eyes narrowed, "Things were fine and there were no problems at all. We were heading for a good future. And when she left…" 

Quatre probed, "Why did she leave, then?" 

Duo shook his head, "I don't know, we never really fought. Not like _that anyway. I keep on looking for reasons, you know? And yet…" He sighed. But in the same second, he suddenly became contemplative. "But maybe it's related to what happened a few days before…" _

"What was that?" Quatre asked. 

Duo stared at the distance, seeking to explain to himself as well. "I'm not sure. She suddenly started being nervous. Like someone was watching our every move. She kept on making me promise to take care of myself," he sighed, "I was really worried. I knew there was something wrong, I just couldn't… point it out. And when I woke up… she was gone. It didn't seem like there was something wrong with us… or maybe there was, but I didn't see it." 

He suddenly looked terribly confused, not to mention beyond angry. "Quatre, I don't know why the idiot left! Or where she went so I could even try to follow her. If I have to drag her back, heck I would. I don't know what to do –" 

"Calm down, Duo. It doesn't seem likely for Miss Hilde to leave without a word because of a problem with you. She is outspoken, innocent and is very straightforward and honest, as I have observed. She would probably confront you about it." Quatre began, trying to soothe him. 

"Then why didn't she, Quatre? Was there something she was hiding from me?" He whispered mournfully. "She couldn't have left me. No, I can't live with that, I can't accept that. Not when I..." 

The braided man grew quiet. Quatre sighed. "Don't worry, Duo. We will." 

~~~ 

He jumped from the window of his room, landing with experienced stealth. Not making a sound, he made his way through the garden, resisting the abrupt urge to stay. Tearing his eyes away from the site, he made his way to complete his destination. He would finally leave the frustrating place… 

All of a sudden, he stopped by a window, where she perched, staring at the moon, a longing look in her face; slightly dreaming she was, her eyes glazed, troubled yet sparkling. She let out another one of her habitual sighs and closed her eyes, reaching out to touch an invisible figure, to which the person concluded as _him. _

But as Heero unexpectedly stared up, the action surprising him, he suddenly felt a strange pressure against his cheeks. Wondering what it was, his brows met in a frown, and he stopped, thinking that he had better things to do. He then checked his watch, only to find his face gazing back at him through the glass – his cheeks were red. 

Must be the cold, he mumbled nonchalantly. He offered another uncontrolled look toward the window, and had puzzled intuitions… finding her gone… He muttered something about how complicated she could immediately make things and turned to leave. 

And he saw another man, watching the woman and him just the same. Lowly trained, he concluded. The command came to his mind: Attack. Death? Punishment? Unprofessional, he concluded as he stared at him, yet, he mused, 'Confirmed.' 

~~~ 

"Duo, I miss you…" Hilde whispered as she stared outside. _It's so cold down here, I wish you can still be here to hold me. You can even tease me with your corny jokes if you like, you dolt… She clutched her pillow closer to herself, pretending it was he. __But you can't, we can't… "I love you." She said to him, though he was probably too busy cursing her somewhere. _

She sighed as she stared at the bright moon, seemingly radiating a blue glow. It was so beautiful, signifying true peace and beauty, as if spreading peace over wherever it shone on. Erstwhile, she knew that that was untrue. She wondered what Duo was doing, if the business was still doing well, or if he had already found a new girlfriend to replace her. 

The image of a slinky, red-haired woman entered her mind, "Yuck," she suddenly laughed, trying to comfort herself, "Not my type – Duo's, perhaps?" 

She shook and tore at the pillow, "Leave it alone, Schbeiker." Lamenting, she faced the moon again, "Tell him I love him," she requested, as if the white orb would somehow do it for her. She still hoped, though. 

She then turned her head to face her back, "Heero." She needed to check on the man. 

She then withdrew from her place by the window and dropped the soft pillow on her bed. Turning to the mirror, she allowed her hand to comb through her hair several times before turning to visit Heero's room. 

Walking through the hallway, she smiled and looked downwards, sighing as she shook her head; she still didn't understand what made her ask him to stay. But reasons soon protruded in her mind, others non-too selfish. "Oh stop," she reprimanded herself, then placed her hand to knock on his door, which, she noticed with one look, was locked. 

"Heero, do you need anything?" she called out. 

There was no reply. 

She smirked and crossed her hands over her chest. _Well, either he's done what I think he has done, or he's really busy, she predicted. "Might as well see, and take it." _

"Heero?" she asked out again, knocking. 

She was then answered by silence for the second time. 

She smiled, _Very well. She looked around cautiously, then stepped backwards. Taking care to aim with a good position, she turned and flipped her leg to her right. She then released it into a kick and firmly hit the door with precise timing and execution. It opened under her attack. _

"I knew it would come in handy one day. Shouldn't have taken it for granted," she whispered, taking care not to let Heero hear. No one knew, they would wonder. 

She then walked forward and entered the room, only to find it empty – but just as she had expected. And she thereupon saw the windows drawn open, the wispy curtains flowing with the breeze. The room rarely had a sign of comfort taken, nor struggle. But clear training caused her to be calm. 

"So he left," she muttered casually. "Oh well, it's his fault – darn it." 

She then turned around and went back to her room as if nothing happened. 

~~~ 

Sally Po placed her head blithely on her hand, smiling, and "I see I hadn't been alone in my suspicion." 

Quatre, seemingly the leader of the former group as of present, nodded. Wufei stood in the distance, staring off, as if analyzing the room, contradicting the fact that he had been there nearly a thousand times before. She shook her head over the incongruity; he was still that strange after two years of working together. They were in the conference room in the Preventers' base, a week after Wufei's announcement about a certain meeting with his allies then. She had allowed him to leave then knowing that something useful would come out of it. 

_And how useful, indeed. There stood all the Gundam Pilots, sans Heero Yuy, who had recently appeared on the International Criminals Board – the reason, Sally suspected, why Wufei had suddenly gone distant. All of them were referring to her about the current issue about the explosion of the embassy, which was highly complicated and mysterious. _

"I definitely agree with you," she commented as she casually swiveled in her seat. "But we'd have to wait for Une's approval. She would start all operations, and from there, we can start planning for an investigation." 

Quatre nodded again, acknowledging her request, "Will she take long?" 

She smiled at his politeness, "Don't worry, she'll be here any minute, and we can all start." 

"Ironic." 

_Huh? They all turned to Wufei, who had said the word. His unusual silence was then contradicted as he spoke again, "She gets to be the leader and the approver when __you do all of the work. It had been a while since your Lieutenant Noin has left, and you have been doing most of the work ever since. You're tired, aren't you? You deserve more recognition." _

She gasped, then started to furiously shake her head over the revelation of her innermost feelings and the sudden switching of course of the conversation, "Wufei, don't start. I don't –" 

"—Want to admit it? That you have always done most of the work? Sally, you know what I mean, and you know what I know." The group stared, wary of the sudden connection and understanding between the two of them. 

"You're being awfully sadistic and different today, Wufei. I don't understand you at all, " she answered quietly as she turned to look away, trying to hide her humiliation. 

"Stop it." 

Trowa came to Lady Une's defense. "Une knows what she's doing, she's been used to it, and just point to conclude that there are more important things she must have done." 

Wufei closed his eyes and smiled, "Very well, problems have no place in the time of duty. We have another purpose for being gathered here." He eyed Sally, who was looking away. She would probably reprimand him later for the out bite of words, which were all but true. Wufei knew her, and how things went within the group. _Was he being sadistic? He had known everything about her and the others, and could admit as little to care. Some others, as far as Trowa was concerned, didn't know. Or did. _

"You know her, don't you?" he asked Trowa out loud. 

Trowa hadn't blanched, but he knew that the man did within. The brown-haired acrobat then turned to look at him, and when their eyes met, Wufei suddenly knew. 

Pain, there was something else. 

_Midii Une. Trowa worded in his eyes, as Wufei took notice to this and looked away again. "Forget about this, I'm sorry for putting such unnecessary things to notice. I apologize, Sally. Trowa, you're right. Insignificant talk, it is. Be it better to wait." _

Sally nodded. "Maybe we should postpone this tomorrow," and departed. Quatre didn't speak as he left the place to go back to his room, followed quietly by Duo, then by Trowa. Wufei headed in Sally's direction. 

~~~ 

Hilde took another bite from the pancake she had donned for that morning, shaking her head over what she had to do. Although Heero had left, she was still out of supplies. Her food needs were running out, and she needed to shop soon. However, the list she had made had been missing that morning, and she needed to create a new one. 

She stood up with her tea when she faced the refrigerator to check if the list was still there somewhere. It had been a chore estimating her (and Heero's) needs the night ago and checking for other extra necessities, and she didn't particularly want to have to do it again. Another thing was the systems she was to order… she frowned. 

Setting the cup down, she raised herself over the tiled counter top to check if the list had somehow drifted behind or beside the ref. She checked both sides and other possible places all over again. 

"Darn," she half-cursed when she found nothing. 

She weighted her hands on the counter when the stresses of the other night reached her, "The _other part of that list was important. And how, why did the man leave when he just knew he wasn't in the proper condition yet?" _

She was answered when her front door opened with a fast _click and was banged close adjacently. _

Before she could ask his name out loud, Heero strolled quickly into the room and dropped a number of mechanical items before her, along with a number of grocery bags. 

"What the—" she began wondrously. 

"Here, my debt is paid," he interrupted tersely, dropping a button device in her hand. 

Hilde stared at the thing blankly, "I don't understand," was all she said after several seconds of silence. 

Heero's serious face did not change, and he looked away, "Someone was following us last night. Me, or you… I don't really care, though I know nothing of other resources. I detected him last night, when you were serving me food, and I decided to investigate after. I saw the man in your yard." 

Hilde swallowed as she stared at the device, "No," 

Heero didn't show any cognizance to her sudden change of behavior, or if he did, he didn't display it. "I succeeded in what I did, and don't ask me what it was, or how." His blue eyes glittered with ire; "I had some difficulty because of my injuries. He didn't speak, but these are all I found. The button activates a recording device; you may handle it." 

Hilde then observed the mechanism and noticed an insignia of a black star lined by gold behind it. She gasped. 

Heero's attention was caught, but again, he said nothing. He simply nodded, then walked away. He then shook his head, "I also took all the things you needed, complete in the packages behind your door," he finished, dropping her missing (and highly confidential) shopping list, and she gulped. "I am no longer liable to you." 

And with that, he turned to walk out of the door. 

Hilde saw this and hid the button in her pocket, hastily rushing to stop him. "Wait, don't!"She grabbed him by his other arm and when he stopped, tried to ignore the annoyed look in his eyes. "What?" 

She suddenly didn't know what to say to stop him from leaving, or even _why she wanted to stop him. Racking her mind, she went back to the past, and found the only words she could have said. She took a deep breath. _

"Pilot, you are stupid." 

~~~

Sally walked inside the lounge to eat breakfast. But, spotting Wufei there, she quickly turned on her heels and went in the opposite direction, then to be helplessly intercepted by the man's hand. 

"Look, I'm sorry. I tried to tell you yesterday." 

She sighed, and moved around to meet the Chinese's narrowed, impatient eyes. "No, you didn't. And whether you said it, indirectly or not, you still made a play of my situation out there when you had no reason to do it. I don't even know if I should even try to understand you." 

Wufei crossed his arms, but she ignored him. "I trusted you," she whispered, her eyes narrowing. "Those were… things I can never…" 

He said nothing, and so she turned away, suddenly embarrassed. "Forget it." And so she started to walk away. 

His hand stopped her again. She sighed and went to look at him again, "What?" 

He looked away, his mouth a smirk, yet somewhat grim; "I apologize. Forgive me." 

She knew she was to be honored by the fact the Wufei was doing as _much as to ask for forgiveness. He was, after all, very silent and independent, she had been lucky enough to be close to him before. But she bit her lip, still unable to see his reason for doing such a thing. _

He sighed, "I was disturbed by something, I didn't know what I was doing." 

Sally cringed, but nodded with understanding, _That was it, she decided as she heard his terse explanation. She knew it would be something like that. Right now, he was probably confused by his current principles. She concluded Heero Yuy's involvement in it. _

But that was all he was ever going to give, she thought sadly. She then shook her head; whatever he felt, she was sure to be the first one to know –when the man was to be ready. He was only eighteen, after all. 

That was enough, she finished. She thought that the dispute would last longer, but now, she was proved wrong. Still and all, he had been exposed to war at such a young age, and the return of the problems with the other Gundam pilots must have affected him, suspiciously the breaking off of Heero. Now _that was another thing she needed to know. __Oh well, she sighed. _

"Wufei…" she shook her head, "Okay. Apology accepted, but please," she pleaded. 

He nodded, understanding as he looked away. 

She smiled, "Okay…" she repeated uneasily, "I'll see you later." She then turned around, but was suddenly disturbed by the fact that she saw him… smile. Darn, a very complex person, Wufei was hard to interpret. 

But she turned back, knowing more, "Wufei?" 

He looked back at her, his firm face returning, "Yes?" 

She didn't need to say any other word, "Tell me when you're ready." 

And with that, she left; smiling at the shocked look she had inflicted on his face – that was a first. 

~~~

Heero stopped and suddenly turned his head back to Hilde, his eyes losing all earlier motives and deeming insulted, though more amused. Probably because if the name she had called him, or what she had described him, but she didn't care. She had caught the stubborn man's attention. 

He suddenly laughed out loud, surprising her. And when their eyes met again, she was challenged by the question in his silent, dark eyes, 'Stupid, _and why?' _

Ha! Was he trying to think her naïve again? "A fighter should know the right time for everything." She began. "Even I wouldn't be stupid enough to leave care when I very well know my injuries are not well enough yet. No matter how fast I would heal," she paused, "I know what to do to protect myself and my mission – to think wisely and to keep myself protected. My own body is my weapon." 

Heero, who had his eyes leering at her and mocking her, had his mouth dropped open. Awestruck, he didn't speak. She shook her head, and repeated "Stupid, Pilot." 

_Suddenly a flash of a distant memory occurred in her mind… another person, a man, dark eyed. A whip in his hand,_ "Schbeiker, know that your body is the greatest weapon you will ever use. Don't abuse it, as a fighter." 

The inscription behind the recording cassette player… 

**_Black Star. _**

_Doctor J was looking at him, his hand contraption clicking before him,_ "Although your mission is your first priority, you will never succeed, without watching for the first of all factors: yourself." 

They both noticed the silence that had reigned over the moment. Hilde was used to such, however, and had immediately spoken to take control. Gently, she began, "Heero, thank you for being able to protect me, or yourself, however willing or unwilling you were. I thank you still, and you are no longer 'in my debt,' for you never were. But let yourself be rewarded for what you have done. Stay; at least until your injuries are well enough. My own conscience won't allow you to leave." 

Heero didn't speak, the former events and words still casting an undecided haze on him. But when he quickly gained her words, he still remained silent, inwardly filled with wonder and shock, followed by hesitant acceptance and respect. The woman was very difficult to read; she was filled with many secrets, he realized. He wondered how Duo survived with her. 

Hilde smiled, "Please, only until you heal completely, for my own honor, as well as yours. I have allowed you to see things not meant to be seen, and I had welcomed you into my shelter. You know what we should do." 

After several seconds of muted silence, he finally spoke, "Where did you learn what you said earlier?" 

She grinned, but shook her head, "I am unable to tell, as my own Code." 

He nodded, understanding… and being led into more doubts and questions about Duo's friend. "Then you have my word." 

  
  



	4. Part 3: -That wouldn't help much.-

In The Arms of Destruction, Part 3 – Retaliate

            "What do you think should we do?"

            Sally looked up as Quatre voiced the question. The progress reports in her hand showed no trace of Heero anywhere on Earth. Apparently, he had escaped from the planet quickly enough to get to one of the colonies before authorities could search for his whereabouts. It was either that or his skills had outsmarted them again. She knew what Heero was capable of, and it would be hard to detect him now.

            She and the former Gundam pilots were in the Meeting Room, discussing alternate ways to find Heero. It was the wake of a beautiful new day, where the fresh rays of sunlight grazed past the windows and washed the room. But despite all this, the room was filled with a serious atmosphere. They all had no time to relax and enjoy, and their morning started off immediately with a serious debate rather than the comfort of breakfast. _This just shows the real gravity of the situation,_ she thought quietly, realizing how urgent the priority of the meeting was that it couldn't wait after the meal.

            "I'm not sure. It would be hard for us to do this alone. Even with all the Preventers' forces, it would take months to follow up on an exact location. He's so exceptional with covering his tracks it would seem impossible to locate him." She announced with a bit of exasperation. For the past few days, they had tried so many ways to locate him. They had all travel and port data scanned for his whereabouts, but they were unsure of his mode of transportation, as well as the names he used… he had probably erased all leading information – and as a result, supposed paths lead to anonymous locations.

            "The best way to find a Gundam pilot is through accident. Civilians, specifically," Duo suggested out of the blue, tapping a finger at his lip. His violet eyes were still tinged with remorse, but the determination to get the mission over with seemed to drive him to give all that he could. Sally knew how hard it was for him. The brown-haired youth straightened at the questioning looks the others gave him, "Hey, for all I know, Relena found Heero that way. Even Trowa knows what I mean, choosing a circus as a base. I know it worked for _me. Hilde and I met that way…" His eyes softened a bit with amusement, "It would be safest to reveal yourself to a non-dangerous source. One that preferably has no knowledge about who you really are. Heero can't hide forever. More or less, others may have spotted him now, or he may be sporting a new identity. The thing is, we still have no concrete idea what his reasons are for doing what he did. This could key in his position."_

            Quatre smiled at Duo's perceptivity. "I see what you mean. I just wish we knew what exactly Heero's intentions were."

            From beside Sally, Wufei spoke up. "That would _really_ be helpful. But we have to settle for what we have. What Duo said stroke something true – Heero would probably show up in an uninformed place… or at least a discreet part of a city; where he wouldn't threaten people, or have them threaten him in the same way. Yet we still have no concept of where he might choose to appear." He gave her a subtle glance before turning away completely.

            Sally gave small smile at the way he freely opened, respected, and believed in her now. It was as if yesterday hadn't happened, though she still knew that Wufei was more than a little affected personally by this subject. But there was no time to dwell on sentiments. "How about if we took it from Duo's perspective? If we used non threatening examples, things may come easier for us."

            From Trowa's contemplative position at the end of the meeting room, he suddenly spoke, "What if we deploy undercover agents?"

            "That wouldn't help much." 

            _Huh?_

They all turned to see Zechs Merquise standing by the doorway, a ghost of a scowl on his face… yet the serious, intense look remained in his gaze. And Sally nearly bristled – what was so important that it brought even Zechs away from his fast-paced yet contented work in Mars? Could Heero alone do this?

She turned her gaze and saw Lucrezia Noin standing by his side. She was likewise, not expected, but was much warmer in her appearance. She had a smile on her face, and had tipped her head to wink at Sally and Quatre. Yet her hand lay firmly on his elbow, as if restraining him. 

It was evident now. Zechs wouldn't be there if not for a sufficient reason… and this reason clearly involved their problems with this new organization, and much more with Heero's supposed involvement in its plans. From Noin's vantage, she knew how much Zechs had been affected by the incident; himself having been Heero's archenemy once. He had been deeply disturbed by the sudden switching of sides, and demanded to go to Earth from Mars to see to the problem personally. Somehow, Heero's decision seemed to confuse feelings and learned values within him. And be it best for her to be there in case he lost his own way or had too much. "What? No welcomes?" she teased, giving a hurt glance at Sally.

            "Noin!" The latter exclaimed, standing up. Then she stared at Zechs' sharp glance at her, then at the pilots around her. She then sighed. "Explanations later. Sit down, you two. I'd be wanting an update, so be prepared."

            The dark haired woman winked at her friend, then turned to take the vacant seat beside her. _She's… different, somehow,_ Sally observed, but was surprised whenZechs stopped Noin from approaching her by quickly slinging an arm around her waist and gently pulling her to another place to sit beside him. Sally rolled her eyes, after all these years, Zechs was still wary of the Gundam pilots. And with Heero's sudden actions there to rekindle old doubts, it was no wonder he felt that way. 

But Noin? She could surely take care of herself. She shook her head; Zechs' sudden tendency towards over protectiveness was none of her business. She then had a look at the woman whom she had been closest to for the past few years and noticed an increase in weight. It wasn't so obvious, only a slight of a lump on her stomach that was barely noticeable unless she was sitting down. 

Then it came to her. _Oh my goodness! Of all things—I mean, so that's why—_

            Wufei narrowed his eyes before continuing, "What do you mean by the plan not helping much?"

            Zechs raised an eyebrow, "You know Yuy more than I do. And better yet, you, yourselves are Gundam Pilots – you should know how detecting the nature of a person comes by instinct. If Heero perceives an agent, he would immediately know this. Agents are too suspicious, and I don't think Heero is stupid enough not to notice, having done so many covert operations himself. Aside from this, we lack trained men. Even while using all of our undercover agents, it will still not be enough. It will take time, more than months, for these trained men to get a hold of him by spending time in each region. We need more, barely suspicious subjects – those which can easily surround him yet not deem a threat."

            Silence filled the room.

            "What do you mean?" Sally finally asked.

            Zechs stared straight ahead. "I meant that we should use what exactly was said earlier: civilians."

            "Huh? What do you mean?" Wufei immediately demanded. "That we recruit most of the civilians in various regions and train them slightly to help them detect Yuy? That's absurd!" His brows met in frustration. "Aside from the fact that the people would panic. They would wonder what emergency could be so dangerous that even their physical cooperation would be needed. That just won't work."

            Noin finally spoke, wording her sentence out carefully. "Well, Mr. Chang, what if the civilians would see it in a different manner? Something that wouldn't scare nor frustrate them but would prompt them to cooperate when needed? Something that wouldn't sound so urgent and yet is still important? This would give us huge amounts of opportunities and would quickly lead us further to Heero."

            Wufei frowned, "And how would you do that, woman?"

            Noin eyed the others, and Trowa quickly spoke, "We lighten the situation."

            "Exactly." She snapped her fingers.

            The others nodded, interested. "How?"

            Sally's eyes widened as her mind started analyzing what they needed to do. "We use media televising, of course. But if we sought the support of people without scaring them about Heero and his involvement, well, we could gain much."

            Quatre then began, "So as it is, what exactly is the reason why people would fear Heero?"

            Duo returned the question slowly as the solution started unfolding before them. "Because they think that he is responsible for the bombing if the Space Colonial Stars Embassy. They think he might be involved, or even be the one leading this new group of terrorists."

            Wufei brought down a fist with renewed cooperation, "And this means that we have to eliminate the source of fear and get them to cooperate – hence, Heero's involvement in the bombing should be –"

            "Null, cancelled, not against the government. We must admit that we 'made a mistake,' so to say, in accusing Heero as the bomber. We would then view him as a much-needed witness instead. This way, the people would be more enthusiastic in finding him because aside from the fact that it would help the government a lot, they know that who they're looking for is the good guy, someone they can trust." Sally finished.

            Trowa lifted a copy of the said proposal. "This might work."

            Zechs shook his head, "No, this _will work. So what are you people waiting for?"_

~~~      

            He wondered how she was able to do it.

            Heero stared at her as she moved around the small kitchen, seemingly frustrated but amazingly calm. Hilde smiled as she walked about, taking a few looks at the concoction she was brewing while humming tunelessly. She didn't notice him as he stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

            He forgot how she agreed him to even _stay there in the first place._

            She then took out a mop and had somehow managed to make a bucket of water appear out of nowhere. Then, she straightened the nice jumper –he frowned, he had never taken partiality to clothes before – she was wearing and started soaking the mop, laughing as water spilled due to the concentration of space. Her eyes sparkled with laughter, _innocence, Heero might have thought, but decided against it. It probably brought back a distant memory of her with Duo or probably something earlier than that._

            Heero felt disgusted, and he started to lean on the doorway, then edged into the wall away from her. The reason he stayed was because of the answers he was seeking. He didn't offer belief to Hilde's philosophy about another, more important reason and purpose for his stay to come soon. But if he did…

            She seemed to know something. It had been only two days, but he had noticed as much. Too much, in fact, that it had taken away all his attention from his other problems. Was she related to something else? He had remembered hearing about her in Duo's conversation with the others; she had been a former OZ volunteer, and had also been at the top of her batch. Strange, a female.

            He suspected that she had training. She was good at the use of medical equipment. While he knew that many people could do just the same, he was more skeptical. The way she handled him felt familiar, not like the way the others had done so (_Relena, his eyes narrowed painfully), but the feeling of dexterity, of experience and expertise; he knew hands like those before, when he had been in training. And he knew how they worked as well. Yes, she had been a trainee, as a soldier? In OZ? Highly unlikely, he concluded. The Organization of the Zodiac was different, no matter how specialized it was; he just couldn't shake the instinct telling him that she somehow __knew things like what he had been through. It was something much deeper, more hidden… more dangerous. Like him._

            She even had a _code, for crying out loud, enough proof—that was, for him. She spoke with wisdom about a fighter's honor, about things he had learned – and ignored, unfortunately, though he knew their meaning and significance—through his own experience. She just knew, but was unwilling to tell, often smiling and talking about other more casual things. Such moments irritated him, since he wasn't used to them, often finding the answers to questions about his missions easily. He had become frustrated._

            The girl was different… yet why had he pushed himself to try to find out about the other things? He might as well had left if not for the astonishment he felt when she had insulted him. Yes, he had been insulted, and placed into wariness… Why?

            He never needed to concern himself with her, he conceded. Once the wound was healed, he was to leave, and to mind his own life, never to return again. Yet the hanging questions about her, questions he could not ignore…

            He didn't know why he wanted to find out more. Maybe the woman _had been right; for he felt like he just __needed to, sensing something deeper, something he should be involved in. He didn't know for sure, but he just felt the need to discover more._

            Pain, she was even being followed! And the questions, what was the truth about her? Was she related to something out there? He shook his head over the sudden stupidity of his thoughts. Was Duo ever like that with her? She was _his, after all, or was his own woman able to keep secrets away from him? _

            He sighed, then Duo _was stupid._

            "No, he was too innocent."

            He suddenly broke from his chain of thoughts, looking around to see if anyone was talking to him directly, or if he had unknowingly said his thoughts out loud. He saw no one. Frowning, he turned to look back at Hilde, and realized that it was her who talked, yet, she didn't seem to have noticed him him, for she was still looking away. 

            She sighed and laid her head on the top of the mop's stick, "I shouldn't have…"

            Heero smirked, so she had been talking to herself. But then, she spoke again.

            "No, I couldn't let them put Duo and the others to harm. They nearly had us again." She sighed as she looked down; "I'd have to handle this, _him on my own."_

            His eyes widened, and watched as she slowly removed the activator of the recording device that he had found her yesterday. The urge to question her then and there and to demand for an answer to stop the tension rose with unimaginable speed within him. But he stopped himself and continued to watch as she fingered the sign on the device.

            "Black Star…" she whispered, her eyes narrowing faintly as she turned the object in her hand, stopping at times to continually stare at the logo, "I had already left you behind. Why won't you let me go?"

His eyes slit.

            "I'd want to curse you now, damn you with everything I have learned from you – but doing so would be returning to what I used to be; Number Twenty Six, Schbeiker."

            She choked angrily, more desperately as she slammed the activator back into her pocket. "You already have everything, you are the undeniable _Source, and you were given a hand on every single power you can control. You already took everything from me –" Her eyes narrowed more, glittering, "I already gave up all on you. Why can't you just leave me –us, alone and set me free?_

            Furiously, she started on the mop and began on her cleaning session again. But the sound of boiling water interrupted her task. She gasped and turned around.

            Her soup was bubbling with steam, and was in the process of spilling.

            She gave a small sound of surprise and quickly set out to stop the mess in progress. Stepping nimbly towards the stove, she took a piece of cloth and wrapped it around her fingers. She then turned to remove the cover of the pot. But the heat immediately penetrated through the thin defense, and she dropped the scorching cover. As inevitable, it dropped over the small spill, and splashed an amount on her; she gasped in pain over the frantic events.

            To her surprise, a hand slowly covered over hers, and wrapped another piece of cloth around it. The palm had calluses, she felt as she recognized the cold feeling the linen strip provided. Heero, she finished, shocked.

            He didn't mention a word as he slowly wrapped the cloth filled with what she conceded was Calcium Fluoride… toothpaste, enough to cool her hand's skin.

But her attention was diverted as he reached out another hand to turn the knob that removed the fire from the stove. He didn't talk, silently tending to her hand, then offering her a wordless look, though highly unnerving, before setting her hand down. He nodded at her, his eyes warning her, before he moved off to a seat in the dining table without a change in his demeanor.

            She stared back at him reticently, astonished, and slightly embarrassed. She felt timid all of a sudden, and a bit worried – had he heard?

            She then shook her head and snorted, varying over the stupidity of the moment before turning away to mutter over her clumsiness. It must have been Duo affecting her. Continuing her litany of self-insults, she just sighed. Duo, that idiot!

            Heero's eyes raised to hers due to this, and she suddenly felt uncomfortable due to his dull intensity. But her pride suddenly took over her awkward situation and she immediately started with her way out of the complicated web.

            She smiled at him, knowing that it _might confuse him, at least a bit. She then noticed the irritation in his eyes, and immediately felt pleased, "Good morning, Heero." And she walked over to the table near him and switched the television standing idly open. Be it better for him to be preoccupied, she thought, then laughed out loud, that __was impossible. Oh well._

            Then the news came out, and she noticed the headings written dark, bold letters. All of a sudden, the entire bright orange splendor of the room bathed in the morning was left without attention, for the screen had caught all conscious thoughts.

             Heero's face was in there.

            The news came out in full, generalized detail. The _Preventers squad, the Earth's officials, had just announced the termination of the warrant of arrest for Heero Yuy, declaring him innocent. Convincing proof was withheld within the said squad's premises. He was free, so they said._

Heero gasped.   What were they talking about? It was he who –

His eyes narrowed angrily. 

            "Investigation proves him innocent, but awareness of his location is still set to order for his knowledge is further needed to venture deeper into the sources of the investigation…"

            It was an insult.

            "What?" he asked, silently enraged. Perplexed, bewildered, relieved and irritated, he was feeling everything all of a sudden. _He was the one who activated the bomb. No, it was a hoax, a pretended way to get what the officials wanted. How dare they? He slammed a fist into the table—he was willing to wager the participation of the other Gundam Pilots in the decoy._

            "Cheap," he muttered heatedly, "All cheap."

            "Tactful," Hilde suddenly echoed, "All very tactful. I wouldn't have thought about it."

            He turned to glare at her, but he was greeted by an offering look. "Look, Heero, be glad that you're not on the limits anymore. You have no major reasons to go on hiding. This way, you can move freer about than when you were under chase. As much as how possible a hidden agenda is under this proclamation, and how highly risky it is for you, you can still use it to your capabilities, and to your command. You should know that: look at what you can do and analyze the situation, just like what you used to do."

            He didn't have the time, or the effort, to ask her about that statement. The immediate turn of events all flowed down within him again. Then what was his own bombing effort all for? What did that prove? Was everything, all the release of emotions all for naught? They had diminished his doings, but why did that make him feel so uneasy?

            His hands formed tighter fists as he proceeded to stare at the television. The impulse to try and hit anything just to release his anger was overwhelming. Where had he gone now? He was back to where he started ever since Relena, an old, unassuming, self-confused fool. 

            He stood up, well if—

            Two small hands grabbed the collar of his shirt with surprising strength and skill. His appalled eyes met Hilde's burning ones, "Look, Heero. You're a Pilot, you were trained to be one. I can't help myself from stopping you. You're being immature and very conceited. Well shame on you! We all have our pride, and whatever that incident meant to you, it will always be there, in all glory of reality and sense. 

"Now if," her voice lowered with a deep, German English brogue as she pushed him back to the chair. "—You think that the lack of knowledge of the world will kill it, and your purpose as well, and let yourself be deeply affected without looking at what's at hand, at what you _can do, then you __are haughty. So haughty, you can lose your Fighter's code."_

            She let go of him, and his eyes started burning with fury as well. Unusually feeling degraded- he then seethed… How dare she insult his code? She had no right to continually lambaste him about all his worth and what he had done. She didn't even know him. "Damn you," he whispered.

             Enraged, he stood up, forgetting about the loosened bandana on his neck. He straightened his shirt to show he wasn't affected at all, and angrily stalked over to her back turned position to give her what he thought she deserved and forgot everything. He forcefully tried to turn her to meet him, but she already did so on her own.

            "What?" she asked, equally acrimonious. "Will you try and kill me, just like you did recently? Go ahead, do so, try to intimidate me. I know you're stronger, and I know that I'm inferior to you. I understand how dangerous you are. But you will just do it; you'll kill me and leave, be hunted again for murder, and be ceased again. You will then find out how what you've been doing has no meaning; you have gotten nowhere—and you will never learn. What you will feel that moment will be a hundred times more difficult and frustrating than whatever you feel now, and, pray tell, I hope you don't destroy yourself."

            Heero didn't move nor flinch, and neither did she. They both stared at each other, Heero's hand on her shoulder and her hands clenched at her sides. Their eyes penetrated through those of each, yet both refused to move. 

            At the next moment, Hilde suddenly closed her eyes gently. She stood there, her eyes shut, yet not moving. She released a deep breath, and opened her arms out wide, as if waiting for persecution. She thereupon opened her eyes, "Go ahead Heero Yuy. I know what you've been through. Then learn for yourself."

            And then she looked at him. His eyes stood motionless, and he raised a gun to her face. And she waited, be it for him to know the truth.

            And suddenly, Heero's eyes widened; then he faltered. And with that, he gave an outraged sound then turned around and dashed towards the doorway. He went out and the door fell loudly behind him; he was gone.

            Hilde's arms dropped to her sides as she stared at the door blankly, a little angry. 

            _Learn, Heero, she thought fleetingly, suddenly sad._

Then her eyes narrowed weakly, and memories long buried in the recesses of the mind began surfacing. Suddenly vulnerable and very frail, she fell behind to the counter and tried to support herself. She then choked and placed a hand on her cheek; it was her injured hand. 

            _Not again…_

            She cried.

            Duo joined Quatre as they both stared at the display of TV's for sale in a local electronics shop. The television showed the news report about the diminishing of the accusations about Heero. "Do you think this will work?"

            Quatre shrugged, "At best it will, at worst it will be ignored, or less, not even noticed by Heero. It may shake him a bit, he's not stupid, but it may anger him, or even insult him. But he would know about our motives. I presume he's thinking we're involved in this."

            Duo nodded, then watched over the screen, taking in the daily news. "And what about the other plans?"

            "They will all rely on Heero's return, though Sally is starting on the covert mobile suits. Advanced, I may say. But it was good to know they are just manufacturing them now. They had held our trust, and had been honest. The production of the machinery will take only a month," his brows knit together, "I only hope we have enough time before anything serious happens. No one knows anything."

            Duo understood his words and turned away. A frown found its way into his face as he remembered her. "Hilde," he muttered, and shook his head. He had this strange fear that she was involved in this problem somehow. He groaned, _Darn it, now is not the time to think about it_. He faced Quatre again, "Do you think we will succeed? No matter how hard it seems…"

            Quatre averted his gaze from the display, his blonde hair fanning over his forehead, "We will Duo. Times are uncertain, but we will try our best." His blue eyes sparkled with determination.

            Duo smiled, and they both turned their attentions to the screen again in silence. 

~~~

            "Noin, I know you're hiding something." 

            Noin looked up from her dinner and saw Sally standing by the doorway, her arms crossed and her foot tapping with impatience. She then looked away and gave a small smile; Sally was always like that. Sighing, she shook her head and gave a mischievous grin.

            "Luc, _if you don't start talking…_"

            She lifted her spoon immediately, "Sal, can't you see I'm, uh, eating?" She tried to look innocent, just to goad her friend a bit. Just … a bit…

            "Eating - my foot, the only place that food is going to end up in is in your face if you keep on with the suspense!" Sally snorted before crossing over to sit beside her. She then took a look at her meal, "C'mon Noin, tell me what happened. How's life been? I know that we talk every week but I've got this really strong feeling you haven't told me some _very_ important details." 

            Noin raised an eyebrow as she forked a lettuce leaf, "Like what?"

            Sally gave her a bemused look, "Like the humongous appetite. Should I say 'duh'?"

            Noin froze.

            Sally waited expectantly. Finally, she hoped Noin was going to confess—

            "I don't look fat, do I?"

            Sally didn't hesitate as she took the glass in her hand, "Noin, I promise you you'd be dripping bloody wet when I get over with you—"

            "Bloody? Heck, you're taking over my expressions," Noin exclaimed incredulously. "My gosh, what happened to you, Sal? I could recall how you despised my so-called 'enhanced dirt' of diction—"

            "You're pregnant, aren't you?" Sally began suddenly, ignoring the taunts Noin made to divert the subject.

            Noin stopped laughing, then finally released a sigh and nodded. "Was it that obvious?"

            Sally patted her best friend's stomach tenderly, "No, not really. It's only noticeable when you are sitting down and bending over. For how long and with who?"

            Noin gave a soothing, yet proud smile, "I think it's going three months. As for the father, well, the child belongs to my husband – which is apparent enough…"

            Sally gave her a chilled look, "Noin, you're not married."

            Noin smiled a knowing look that was half-pleading and somewhat exasperated.

            _"You mean you got married without telling **me**?"_ Sally hissed.

            Noin grabbed her shoulders, "Sal, tone _down_!"

            But her best friend's lovely features had already contorted with an angered expression, her eyes flashing a violent blue. "Aw, heck no, Lucrezia. My best friend just got married without telling me, why should I calm down? With who, with Zechs? And if ever, does he know you're carrying? Goodness, if the baby doesn't belong to him I can almost see him running over to murder whoever the father is. But not after I murder _you_ for keeping this big secret—"

            Noin gave her a glass of water to silence her, "Don't worry, Best – it's Zechs' baby alright. And before you ask, we got married before this baby was created, thank goodness. And for your information, I wanted to tell you but he wanted to keep the marriage as low and discreet as possible."

            "As _discreet_ as possible?" Sally flipped her hair and gave a small laugh, allowing herself to talk freely "You've now got the name 'Peacecraft' attached to yours, what could be possibly be discreet in that? And you're carrying the possible future heir to the Cinq Kingdom –oh, wait, again, does _he_ know?"

            Noin took a calm breath, glad that her friend finally slowed down. It was amazing how honest and blunt they could be with each other – and how sharply direct to the point Sally could be at times. She grinned a bit. "Okay, one, if ever, you would have been the Maid of Honor, I promise you (she grimaced at Sally's sarcastic 'Uh huh. Yeah right' but was pleased when her best friend followed the comment with a smile), but I had to take consideration for his feelings, you must understand. I'm really sorry. Second, that means you can't remit my own Maid of Honor if ever you snatch that chauvinist Wufei and get to hitch him (Sally glared at her). Three, no, I haven't told him yet, but I think he already knows, okay?"

            Sally stared at her, then slowly nodded. But before Noin could further apologize, she already spoke. "So that's why he couldn't leave you in Mars. But what of you two now, with this new incident rapidly rising?"

            It was Noin's time to be silent now, and she stared straight ahead into the window, watching the stars a bit before she spoke. "I'm not sure. He seems to be really affected by it, and I know I can't stop him." She met her eyes with Sally's, and the latter immediately knew that what she was experiencing with Wufei was very similar. "Frankly, Sal, I don't know."

            And they both turned contemplative eyes towards the scene outside the window as they worried about how Heero had just affected their futures once more.__

            Damn her.

            Heero ran away from the cursed house, dashing past the trees and shrubs to anywhere his feet could take him; he'd survive. Nighttime had already fallen, yet he knew he would do well, after traveling around to release his anger for hours. He would go anywhere until his anger had ceased, anywhere that is, as long as _she was not there._

            He ran and turned around, wondering where he was. He then cursed; he had never been lost.  But ever since Relena's recent confession, things had changed.

            He released a gruff sound as he continued to walk further, ignoring the darkness; no, things hadn't changed generally after Relena, they _had_ all gone ablur and incomprehensive ever since Hilde's invitation for him to stay. He didn't understand what had been happening to him and his conscience at all. The stupid woman, what had she been doing to him? 

            He then realized that his small time with Hilde had suddenly become a dangerous factor to his life, with the impact of her words and attitudes, with the secret knowledge well woven beneath what she did. Damn it all, he never even planned to go near her, but the sudden phenomenon of her life and her involvement had been too much. 

What happened? What had she done? Well then, he wasn't searching for answers, he was wanting to leave, at least that was what he planned to do when he saw how his arrest had been dissolved.

            But he gave her his word, as a fighter and as a man of honor. Ha, he'd been used to breaking his word; he'd done so to Relena many times before. What good would it do him now if he kept it now?

            He walked into the open of the trees and watched the scene before him.

            It was a lake, so large, and so impossibly beautiful, in the verse of artificial land and controlled factors. It sparkled ever so peacefully against the dark, dotted blue sky. A lone sailboat stretched along the vast expanse, wading gracefully with the wind and the small waves.

            Heero stared openly at this. Here he was, and here was where he was going to stop.

            He jumped down the grassy hill and treaded carefully over the rocks that lead downwards toward the lake. Jumping cautiously over another small-sized boulder, he reached the somewhat sandy borders of the lake and sat down quietly. He then kept silent and closed his eyes for several minutes. He was used to the feeling of anger and stress… all he needed was time to himself. It had always been that way. He was good at the control of emotions, but he also needed an output. But outputs, no matter how important, were always placed after the mission. And there, he would place his whole being in visualizing. He badly needed the meditation now.

            That was what he had been doing for the past two years. And after the years of acceptance and thinking, he finally came back to start for the future, only, his future had already given up on waiting for him. Relena, he still didn't understand…

            "Why?" he whispered after a few more minutes, his eyes still closed. "Why do you do these things to me?" Hilde, what is it again? She had started the distracting fit of thoughts once more… She was not worth his time, but he knew now that she had problems, and…

            He then shook his head, hesitantly admitting that he didn't want to leave the woman, not after the words he had heard from her in the kitchen. He didn't know if there were other reasons for that, and if there were any, he wasn't willing to admit more. But he had actually given his whole honor in his vow to stay; no, he didn't think he wanted to leave just yet, not until his promise was accomplished. Though he was still confused about his own reasons for giving the promise, he still believed in finishing it. He could take care of himself already, but the vow was still intact. 

            He heard the whispers… the girl was in trouble. He had (he shook his head, disgusted with himself) even suddenly felt surprisingly willing to help. Yet all was gone with the heated conversation. Who was she to tell him all those things? No, she hadn't even gone through what he had been through. She had so much impulse to start on him, when she had no idea what it was – and he had taken bait. 

            He was so mad… she pointed on his code, and haughtiness, no wonder he had left in fury. She had the nerve to…

            _Pilot, you are stupid._

_            His trail of angry thoughts stopped with the flitted words. He suddenly found himself pondering. What did that mean?_

            "Look, Pilot, you were trained to be one. I can't help myself from stopping you. Shame on you for being immature and conceited. We all have our pride, and whatever that incident meant to you, it will always be there, in all glory of reality and sense. Now if," her voice lowered as she pushed him back to the chair. "—You think that the lack of knowledge of the world will kill it, and your purpose as well, and let yourself be deeply affected without looking at what's at hand, at what you can do, then you are haughty. So haughty, you can lose your Fighter's code."

            Her words drifted back to him and his past realizations resurfaced. His eyes widened, "No."

            _She shook her head; "I am unable to tell, as is my own Code."_

            Impossible, he hadn't wanted to believe.

            _"Tactful," __she suddenly echoed._

            Her eyes were too open; she smiled too much…

            _"Her name is Hilde," Duo said steadily as he stared at her body being set into the stretcher to be sent to Intensive Care Unit. "She's a former OZ__ leader on the voluntary section."_

            OZ, the female had lead OZ – how could she do that just as simply? Duo never said anything about her…

            _"A fighter should know the right time for everything." She began. "Even I wouldn't be stupid enough to leave care when I very well know my injuries are not well enough yet. No matter how fast I would heal," she paused, "I know what to do to protect myself and my mission – to think wisely and to keep myself protected. My own body is my weapon."_

            A realization hit him. She was hiding…

            _"I know how it feels to hide, Heero."_

_            "Why won't you let me go?"_

            Heero gasped.

            "He's dead."

            The man breathed cautiously as the leader took in the news. He showed no reaction of anger though. The man merely adjusted his crisp business suit and watched through the mirror leading into the panel of computer specialists. Highly unlikely a reaction for him these days, the man thought.

            "You mean?" he asked calmly, but terse lines had formed along the verse.

            "The one you sent to watch out for Schbeiker, there has been no contact from him for days. And when an investigation was initiated, it was found that the man was turned in to the police. He didn't speak, though. Attempted to kill someone, not your _pet of course. But then, he attacked the officials. He had been scheduled, so to speak, with an investigator from the __Preventers. However, he had ended himself in the cell."_

            The man a nodded steadily. He then gave him a small smirk. "Impudence. You have ruined my mood, truly you have. And don't dare speak to me in that manner," he said softly, a warning look in his amber eyes. "Get a replacement soon, that hit man hadn't found Heidi, but it would be best to start where he left off. You, on the other hand, should leave me before I issue a suspension."

            He knew not to speak to the leader in that way again, "Yes sir," he said quietly before departing from the room. 

            He closed the doors and rolled up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a black star, "Wonder of wonders, Schbeiker again. That girl is causing trouble once more… Bloody heck, the girl _does _take after her mother. She's becoming another rebellious troublemaker. But no matter, I _will succeed."_

            I must.

            She was right.

            He had been stupid.

            His eyes widened yet grew dark with defeat. Curses, she had actually out lead him. No wonder she had been shouting at him… and he had been so blind with anger. _She was a soldier_, or had been one. And she had told him what was right: to make the best out of the situation.

            He shook his head as he recalled her words, "Look, Heero, be glad that you're not on the limits anymore. You have no major reasons to go on hiding. As much as how possible a hidden agenda is under this proclamation, and how highly risky it is for you, you can still use it to your capabilities, and to your command."

            She knew what she was doing, and most of all; she must have been through what he had been through. He now realized how he had seen another side of her, other than the usual, calm and friendly face. She had shown him a part of her she most probably had kept hidden for who knows how long – only to help him. And in his anger, he didn't listen and thought her intrusive and assuming.

            Damn it all, she had been right.

            He should have listened to her, had taken care of the situation and studied the factors he could use to his own command. Assessing has always been the first step in a mission. He had forgotten all about his responsibilities ever since Relena. And Hilde had tried to help, and _kuso_, he had attacked her and nearly killed her in return.

            He dejectedly lowered his head. She had proved him wrong again, and had turned out to be the helper instead of the betrayer again.

            He sighed; somehow, the realization made his burden lighter. Again, he didn't know why. Yet he knew what he had to do, for honor and gratification's sake.

            He stood up and left for the house.

            He entered the hidden workplace factory underneath the base and smiled, _Well done._

            The men were working dutifully and quickly, as he had expected. In no time, the project will be finished, and they could all work on what took years to plan and activate.

            "Quasar," he called out to one of the men supervising the work.

            "Yes, sir?" the lad immediately replied, hurrying to his needs.

            "I want to see," he ordered, smiling slightly. He removed the cigarette from his mouth. The coded man smiled and nodded obediently as he was led to a very high-ceilinged room. As dark as it was, light entered as they opened the technology-secured doors.

            The scarce light placed the four large subjects into view…

            The Power, a series of reds, blues and whites, the prevailing _Wing Zero Custom Upgrade…_

            The Weapon, a powerful instrument attached behind the intimidating dark structure, _Deathscythe Hell Custom Upgrade…_

            The Mind, halves of long, dangerous blades hanging, just in reach, _Sandrock Custom Upgrade…_

            The Force, heavy artillery placed securely on every angle, _Heavyarms Custom Upgrade…_

            Gundams.

            Clones.

            _Yes. He thought as he varied their weapons._

            Hilde's head rose from it's lowered position on her arms when she heard noise outside. _Heero, she thought incredulously. She didn't expect him to return. Not after what she had done to him._

            Ever since the incident, she had moped around, dropped her head in her arms, and cried. Against all odds, she's tried to cheer herself up with the dismantling of some machinery but pathetically failed. She didn't know why, but the sudden departure brought back old memories… and the unexplainable pain. She had wanted to stop him before he ruined his life. Instead, she had hurt another person again.

            And her pain… her anger, all released – all over again… She had done it again… she had been _her again, after trying so hard not to, for how many years…_

            She jumped up from her position and wiped her sullen eyes before turning to open the door. She had the sudden overwhelming wish, hoping that it was he. Maybe so she could apologize, or at least bring him back. She yearned, with all her heart that he would return. And she didn't know why.

            But as she turned to the hallway, she found out that she had been late again, for Heero was already standing by the foyer, his eyes softened, yet serious, and his mouth drawn in a tight line. Her heart pounded at the fact that the man never needed any keys, he could get _anywhere without them, not that she couldn't._

            She was suddenly unexplainably so happy she felt like bursting into tears. She shook her head at the surprising emotion and felt stupid. Avoiding the awkward silence, she spoke. "What are you doing here…" Darn it all, she was choking.

            Heero looked away, his eyes passing through her. Yet he didn't speak, only nodded.

            Her eyes faltered, and she stepped forward, _So that was it. She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair, ignoring the fact that she looked horrible with her eyes puffy, her face pale, and with dark circles beneath her lids. She needed to release everything, "Look Heero, I'm…_

"I understand why you would want to leave, and I won't stop you, by all means. I shouldn't have pushed so early. I had pressured you and insulted you when I knew I should have waited for you to sort everything out. And it was very much obvious that I had no right to do so." 

She looked away, her eyes suddenly watering without an explanation "I wanted to help you Heero, but it's clearly I hadn't. I'm sorry, I've been wrong and stupid."

            She waited for him to respond, suddenly too ashamed. But then, she slowly found Heero's hand on her cheek, and she gasped as he turned her to face him. He then let go of her and nodded. "Do you realize," he began quietly, though a trace of amusement was in his facial expression, "how you call me 'Pilot' whenever you think I am mistaken?"

            She stood speechless as he faced her again, his face turning serious. Hesitantly, so slowly, he began, "I apologize, Hilde Schbeiker," It was the first time he had said her name ever since he arrived in her house. And now he had said it in full, "Because _I was the one who was mistaken. You were correct; I should have been calm and given more thought to the situation. I had just been confused."_

            Her eyes widened, and she turned to interrupt him, "But I hadn't given thought to your situation, and I had only thought about what I truly felt. Instead of giving you the consideration you deserved, I had lashed out and…"

            Heero stepped back. "If you hadn't said those words to me, I could have gone out and done something I might have regretted for the rest of my life. I could have left, and destroyed my life again. I would never learn, as you said," oh, he allowed her this much, she realized. "I should have been grateful."

            She heard his words and kept silent, then soon smiled, her eyes brightening hopeful. Losing all self-defenses, she asked, "Then please, tell me, are you staying?"

            He nodded at her, looking down. "If it isn't much of trouble, I ask to stay, so that I may be able to keep my promise and heal myself until I am able to use my body well again."

            Heero would never speak to her in such an open manner again, she concluded. He might have been uncomfortable just now. But she smiled, embracing the realization just as well; he had used her very words to him. "I will allow you to do that, if you would forgive me for what I have done. If just for a friend."

            A flash gleamed past his eyes, but she observed him as his eyes widened with a sudden insight. He then nodded, and slowly turned to her, a rare, small smile on his face. "I will forgive, if you forgive as well, as a friend."

            She smiled in retrospect; "I forgive, as a friend."

            He replied silently, "And I forgive." Then, slowly, "As… a companion… a friend." His head raised, and his burning blue eyes reached hers, somewhat vulnerable, yet very powerful. She nodded.

            Hilde felt the joy in her surge somewhat powerfully, "Well then, my friend, I welcome you again into my home."

The Inevitable Author's Note Version One

- A Must Read Before Venturing Further -

Okay guys, I know it's been a while. I thank you for taking some precious time reading this, (if you are) now. Anyway, I just have to clarify a few things, as well as announce and denounce some, before some of you start flaming me. (-.-;) Erm, heh, heh.

Chapters

Again, I'm sorry if I take time to update. I tell you, I've finished many chapters already, but I'm not yet content, and sometimes reworks are very drastic. I can't afford posting drafts either because final versions are hardly read -- and believe me, changes _can_ be that drastic. As of now, I've paused in my works upon watching Endless Waltz, and, boy, there goes my story. The Gundams _do_ get destroyed in the end, and they have taken my numerous ideas with them. It basically ruins my plot -- you get the idea. But nevertheless, I'm finding ways to work it out, pray for me that I could finish. It's rather hard.

The Term 'OOC'

Okay, so some of you may think that Hilde's a _bit_ too serious and remorseful, while Heero goes overboard with his anger and sometimes sudden vulnerability. Or maybe Noin's finely worded teasing session with Sally (I do admit I wrote it in a jiffy) was surprising... So, explanations.

Well, I guess this fic strictly follows the TV's outline. Where in there is _no_ definite characterization of Hilde and her past, given the few times she appeared, significant as they may be. We all know that she is sacrificial (you bet we do) and that she _seems_ in love with Duo (I don't know, it seems entirely platonic at first, and I think she's not that kind of get-go girl who easily allows herself to be, um, flat on her back). The basic word that defines her is 'Spunk,' more so proven by her appearance. She seems tomboyish, she's a hacker, she's a soldier, she can pilot mobile suits with style. She must be pretty cool since Duo decides to stay with her

Well, I guess that much can be said. And from these observations came the fics where she is just _so_ in love with Duo... sometimes she can be stubborn and dominating but she really loves our braided hero (erm, Heero? Hey, it was a joke!). And I really enjoyed these stories where she's just our adorable pixie. Heck, they're the majority of fics I read, and I have no complaint against that. But, given, there should be more freedom in characterizing her in fics. I mean, sure, she's got spunk, but is that limited to her encounters with Duo? Are you sure she's _that_ easily swayed by him, or _that_ much dependent on him? I personally think she would go slow, transcending from their carefully built friendship to something much more. She badly needs security, and she finds that in their friendship, and moving into a deeper relationship can ruin that friendship. Aside from that, Duo doesn't usually come off as a serious guy. And then there are some fics where they immediately go for it. No personal complaints again, mind you - I _like_ reading them. But sometimes, she comes around as a lovesick tomboy whose life revolves around his. 

It's not limited to that, isn't it? I mean, the show doesn't necessarily dictate that she should be like that. What is she _really_ like when upset? Has she ever had problems with her family? Or was her family murdered to begin with? How did she end up in OZ, or if she ever lived in Germany -- that kind of stuff. Ah, the wonders of underrated characters.

Which is why it comes down to this. Here, Hilde is depicted as having a long-hidden dangerous involvement in the past, quite possible for our 'pixie' friend, having had no sufficient info about her past and surprisingly reaching the top of her batch in OZ despite her age, _and _size. There's no mention of family, or origin... and not enough time to confirm or deny fan suspicions, so it's not entirely impossible. Anyway, back to the topic, with her cheerful disposition, it seems that she is somewhat a dreamer (I think) and might have easily buried this so-called secret. And now, her past has come back with a very enormous claim on her. How do you expect will she react? Smile, stomp her foot and whine 'DUO!'? 

Being independent (no family, OZ topper, _small_ girl -- looks like a boy at that, just a recap), I wouldn't think so, hence the seriousness and the hiatus. Considering her problems... well, I don't want to give away much.

And when it comes to Heero, some may say, 'Too harsh' or 'Too easy.' Well, this isn't the normal 'changed' Heero, done satisfactorily by Relena. Alternate Universe, her healing influence had never happened here, albeit a soft rejection. What have we got? An emotionally sensitive, hurt Heero who doesn't know where to go, and particularly doesn't care about anything and anyone. He is confused by Hilde, and so frustrations come by.

But **don't worry,** if the out-of-'characterness' gets to you. This is just the beginning. Things will slowly take its course, and pretty soon, you'll get their normal selves as they learn to relax, accept, and live with the situation. Pretty soon enough, you'll have Hilde singing in the shower, wearing her beret cap with extreme stubbornness and pride, and Heero grunting with control. Ok?

Speaking of Which...

In the future? Well, I do not know - it will take time. But, rest assured, I will try to finish this (and a whole lotta other series stored in my notebook). How would it end? I'm not sure, I haven't outlined the final part yet. I'm not even sure who ends up with who. An alternate paring fic doesn't necessarily mean they end up together, right? I love Duo, and him and Hilde just seem perfect together, but the twist with Heero is equally captivating -- how? That's my job. Just stand by and watch. 

Erm,

More exciting events soon, though, as the two would soon start training together, and the absence of their respective loved ones fade. Arguments may come and go but one more may change Heero's life. The importance of Hilde's beret is seen and Heero goes through numerous heights to retrieve it once it gets lost, and the real value of his newfound friend will soon reveal itself to him as challenges, sickness and threat notes come their way.

And Finally

Thanks to all those who supported this fic, especially those who emailed me (Sabacat, specifically, for waiting for the third part patiently) when I thought no one approved of the pairing. Big gratitude to you guys - this story wouldn't go on without you. And, ya, I'm working on it. TY's lots. And for all readers, please drop in comments... I really need them.

Thanks Again and Expect More

Yah! More author's notes... gulp.

But anyway, thanks. Smile, pray to God and be happy!

God Bless,

Annabelle  
11/5/2k


	5. Part 4: -You have no identity.-

In the Arms of Destruction Part Four – So Alone

In the Arms of Destruction Part Four – So Alone

Heero almost felt like smiling within, somewhat.

He had never felt that way before.

He sat down, reading the newspaper as Hilde again bustled through the kitchen; their usual morning scene. After the incidents on yesterday, it seemed like nothing had happened, for neither talked about it and nor did Hilde pressure him on explanations and talking more. He never felt like talking. He was glad she understood how he wanted to be treated that moment.

They had forgiven each other, _as a friend he thought in his mind. He had been astonished at her preposition the night before. But then he realized that it might have been true, with the way they had been getting along. Hilde had never forced him into doing anything, and like a 'friend' – he assumed, she had indirectly given him guidance. Along with the thoughts of earlier that night, and with the negative ones mysteriously disappearing, he had found himself wanting to agree on the subject. Ironic, he never trusted before._

His hands tightened on the newspaper. _Do I trust her? Why had the surprising fall of barriers come so soon?_

He shook his head, she was what he supposed a friend, but he wouldn't trust her. Not yet.

_That's not how you treat one._

As thoughts trailed on to the past night and the other days as well, he recalled his actions. He then remembered how he had been cared for, and how he had been fighting the turmoil in his mind. Ever since last night, all confusion in his head had evaporated along with the peace they both made. 

He dropped the newspaper and flinched involuntarily, not understanding what his mind was going on to. Another amount of questions made their way into his head again. This time, he found himself looking at her again. He was new to the act of being accepted, or accepting others as well, maybe he had been feeling neurotic about it. 

The large change in feelings and behavior in such a short time suddenly confused him. He felt irate and annoyed all of a sudden.

"Oh – Heero," Hilde suddenly spoke out.

He turned to her.

She smiled, "Leave that section of the newspaper out, okay? I think I'm going to be checking it later, and I wouldn't want to have to look for it again," she said, pointing to the business section.

He nodded, and she returned back to her cooking.

What would a girl like her find interesting in the business section?

He scanned the said sect and found nothing unlikely, except for the sale of machinery and parts, buyers and all other usual paraphernalia. He raised an eyebrow, while the little fight yesterday had been solved, he remembered that his problems about Hilde's upbringing and situation were yet to be finished. He still didn't know anything.

He returned the paper silently and thought to himself. Several minutes later, Hilde came with the fried rice and eggs. "Here, eat," she motioned to him.

He watched her silently during the meal, and noticed as she passed over the sales of old weapons and parts. Her eyes widened, and they darted past each record. She had soon lost attention from her food and into the newspaper. "It's begun... this can't be…"

She suddenly looked at him and caught him watching. 

Their eyes locked, and his demanding ones asked her the question in his mind. 

She looked away, as if burned by the force of his eyes.

"Heero, you'd be the first to know, if ever possible." She said haltingly. She looked down, then stood after a few seconds. "I think I'm going to go up for a while. Enjoy your meal."

He watched as she went up immediately and waited for the click of the lock of her door. Then he read the headline in the newspaper.

"Mechanical MS Parts To Be Sold to Gov't Stolen."

Hilde sighed as she lay in her bed. Heero had been gone all day, as usual, not leaving a word about where he was heading. She knew she had no right to intrude, though. After all, who was she to him? It was good enough he returned during nights.

Her thoughts returned to the article she had seen in the newspaper a day ago. _They're already starting… she thought sadly. __And no one knows a thing. I want to help, but I can't put more lives in danger. She sighed. Why her? Her life had already been half-destroyed, why can't they be contented without taking the other half?_

She huddled herself and curled into a fetal position, suddenly feeling scared and ashamed… if only she could do something –yet the threat was so large, and they were on the manhunt for her, _the traitor_, she couldn't…

She buried her face in her pillow. She had been trying, hadn't she? She trained every afternoon in the basement – she would do well…

_If only I'd know what to do now. She suddenly felt so weak and homesick that she clutched the pillow tighter as a reaction. She then moaned; her problems had taken their toll on her again, she couldn't relax. She could never, she thought as her eyes started burning with tears._

And she turned to look at her side; she was shocked to see someone standing there. 

There he was, eyes shining mischievously, brown braid being swung around carelessly in his hand. He had a teasing smile, and a laughing facial expression. His lithe figure was silhouetted against the faint light of the eager moon. She couldn't believe her eyes.

"Duo?" her voice was incredulous when she asked.

The violet-eyed man grinned at her and muttered a sweet, "Stupid girl. What would you do without me, you tomboy?"

Her eyes filled with more tears and flashed angrily, yet every bit as happily, "I'm no longer a tomboy."

"Your hair's still shorter than mine," he pointed out as he held his braid in one hand, his eyes flashing naughtily.

"Uh, huh… and you always whine about me fixing it for you. And we know who the female really is in here," she threw back, and he was shot into silence. "You got me there, Schbeiker." He then noticed her eyes

Then he slowly sat in her bed and took her in his arms, slowly rocking her. "You're crying." He stated.

Hilde tipped her head to him, "_I am…_"

And she closed her eyes and decided to let her dream illusions of _Duo by her side leave her. But as her lids shut, the tears continued to flow._

"…_so alone."_

Heero decided against lock-picking Hilde's front door again. After all, she had given him the keys. He smirked, she trusted him – why did it make him feel so good?

He entered the house and was greeted by the deep blue darkness it opened to him. But luckily, the light at the end of the staircase was left open; Hilde had been considerate enough to do that for him every night.

He removed his coat and went to climb upstairs. He usually spent his days moving and looking about, careful to keep himself hidden and unrevealed; he didn't want his location to be pointed out. 

This day, he had gone out researching about the article earlier and all files on Hilde Schbeiker. Although he trusted her sincerity, he was more onto what she was hiding; something he predicted was large and urgent.

The mechanical parts used for the production of Mobile Suits and other military artillery, whether for space, land, air, or sea, were all confiscated, and were meant to be destroyed from the start. The presence of weaponry and other armed forces lessened the decree for a better life in peace between the earth and the colonies. This was why their Gundams had been sent to a no-return trip to the sun for destruction in the first place. 

However, despite the constant disintegration of all dolls and systems, the parts were said to be a great loss, and the government had decided to recycle them for other, more useful purposes. The nation had agreed to this, but if such parts were placed to other uses, they could be dangerous… they could reproduce, or even improve the battle artillery of the colony war. And if such a thing happened, it could mean worldwide threat and international panic. 

A highly secured team was sent to take watch over the transport of these parts to the government's bases. But as the news had relayed, the parts were found missing, stolen, they had decided. And indications of a new threat continuously shook the government body.

The article was conveniently located at the business section, where there were the cash transaction proceedings throughout the land. Yes, the government brought the parts – it was a business issue, but he suspected that the real reason the news was placed there was to avoid mass panic and hesitation.

Was this what Hilde had been worried about? It was such a largely complicated issue.

He passed through her room silently. Yet suddenly, a disquieting feeling breached him, and he immediately felt an urge to do something. He stopped before he moved any further. 

A moan reached his ears.

His eyes narrowed, and carefully, he faced Hilde's door. 

_What's wrong? Not giving attention to what was actually happening, the worried feelings within him took the direction of his mind, and he opened the door and carefully stepped in._

It was the only room he hadn't entered in the whole house. And he strangely felt a sense of wonder, amazement, and sudden interest as he entered it. 

Very organized, a large suitcase and another huge shoulder bag lay on one corner of the room. His eyes glazed over the table, where many documents were placed neatly. One was particularly placed in the middle, and it sparked his attention. He turned to reach for it.

But he was stopped by another moan.

  
_Hilde, he thought. Sighing over the interruption, he turned around._

And saw.

It was… 

_("…Majestic." Dr. J whispered with reverberating anticipation veiled within his words, and Heero watched as the man placed trembling hands on his creation…)_

He had never seen anything like it. Her eyes were gently closed, like butterfly wings settling over her. And her pale face looked beautiful in the milky cerulean color of the moon, which has always lain before her window, like motherly protector. One hand lay beside her head, and her erratic blue hair lay strewn about in few places, but the majority was smoothened at the side of her neck. Her mouth was slightly opened, as if whispering. 

He realized he was holding his breath. Curses.

She _was beautiful._

He then turned around, not caring about the situation, or its sudden effects on him for that matter. He closed his eyes and walked towards the door, trying to ignore the warning in his head that spoke of her earlier pain. But he didn't heed it, then held the doorknob.

He had to get out of there, fast.

Damn her, he thought unconsciously, remembering someone, a woman whose face he couldn't remember at the moment.

He heard the ruffling of sheets and froze. Remorse and resentment rose within him, and he inwardly cursed as he faced her again. 

And then, it was the same, damnable scene, with her rolling to her side, breathing deeply and holding the covers close. The picture had become different, but was at the same time more – he scowled.

But he then found his eyes had softening, and that his hand was reaching out to touch her cheek, as if wanting to finger a part of the strangely mystifying scene… _if just for once, his mind was whispering._

And he realized what he had been doing, immediately drawing back, disgusted at himself.

Feelings flooded into him, most of them unknown and undecipherable. A part of those thoughts felt negative, claiming him disloyal somehow. Yet the latter, stronger part of the surge felt positive, as if pleased. He grudgingly recognized the strength of those feelings.

He felt the strange pressure on his cheeks again and placed his attention on a different matter, wondering again if she had been the source of the noise earlier. But his efforts turned useless. He was suddenly bleary and wary against the attack of emotions he couldn't understand. He didn't know what to do.

Another swell of conflicting impulses rose within him. In confusion, he angrily curled his fists, but all normal and reasonable thoughts left him. _I don't understand. He bristled. _

"No… _Ich bin Hilde Schbeiker, twenty-six, kein Heidi Van Schnell_." 

--Hilde out of the moment called out in her sleep, surprising him. She then moved anxiously to her right, and her breath started to heave faster than normal. 

His eyes narrowed intently as his attention returned to the situation at hand. Hilde had thrashed to her left and started saying muted words.

"It hurts…" she whispered helplessly as her brows raised and her lids tensed. "I _didn't do it… Why do you keep on…"_

She started kicking and shaking. Eyes widening, Heero decided on her safety and quickly moved, lowering his arms to pin her so to prevent her from harming herself. "It's different. I can't hurt anyone - not anymore… Don't-- make me a murderer!"

Heero's eyes narrowed this time as he heard the word. Staring down at her, he thought briskly in his mind, if not a bit angrily, _Who are you and what have you been through? He noticed the bead of sweat trickling down her forehead and felt suddenly concerned. Ignoring the previous protests of his mind, he slowly turned to finally wipe it away._

He flinched. So soft…

As his touch met her face, everything was suddenly calm. His chest felt light, and his consciousness soon awakened to the sight of his hand slowly traveling from her cheek to her forehead, savoring the wonderful feel of soft skin against his rough palm. Holding her delicate image in his careless arms, wiping the tears away, gently moving to remove the sweat… ultimate concern suddenly releasing for the woman beside him. So slowly, almost cautiously, he found himself caressing her.

_"You are so alone…"_

Hilde stopped moving, he breathing returned to normal, and everything all at the moment became quiet.

Heero frowned silently as everything lay unmoving in the still of the room, his thoughts rising once more. What was happening to him?

Before he could further himself, Hilde's hand suddenly covered over his seemingly content ones. He gasped and wondered if she was awake, but had been positive of her deep state of slumber. Quietly, he tried to move his awkward hand away but she had a firm hold on it.

Her soft, tensed hands held his, "Duo," she half said, almost relieved in her sleep.

A red hue marked his face, and he felt ashamed and dismayed, almost insulted. He then drew his hand away despite the physical protest, and decided to leave, for she seemed well already. He suddenly felt disappointed and incomplete, but left the reasons to the fact that he didn't find anything and that he was feeling confused.

But as he stood up, Hilde shrieked and grabbed on to him.

"Duo, don't leave me," she begged tearfully. "Please, forgive me…"

And Heero stood there, motionless, watching as the woman beside him clung with fear to his other arm, _thinking him another person. She wiped his arm with her tears, and kept on asking him not to leave._

"Duo… please," she cried, her eyes still closed.

Heero suddenly felt like he wanted to leave, and a sickening feeling dreaded his stomach. He didn't know whether he was going to remove his hand as he wanted to, or to keep it were it was.

But Hilde's eyes opened, "Heero!"

_What… Heero's head snapped back to meet hers._

Her eyes were confused, the haze of a terrible vision still in them. As if losing all sense of thinking, she grabbed on to him like he was her lifeline. "Please, please don't leave me alone… they're coming…"

He stared at her as she hugged his arm to hers; never letting go – and he suddenly felt useless, not knowing what he should do. That had never happened to him before. Yet the great concern that was for her suddenly welled within him. She shook as she held on tightly to his arm, and the thought all of a sudden caught him. He should let go.

He didn't. Kami, he couldn't.

A worried look escaped through his features, and without further warning, he placed a hand on her shoulder. 

"You were dreaming." he stated, satisfied that he had intoned the statement in a perfectly even voice.

But she shook her head, and her shoulders started racking with more sobs. Sounds of frustration and fright came from her mouth as she continued to hold on to him.

He stiffened, forcing himself not to react.

"Please…" she whispered.

The sudden impulse to hold her to him besieged Heero, and his eyes narrowed over the incredibility of that urge. The thought all of a sudden pained him… then confusing him. _What is it with you, Hilde? What are you doing to me? He asked with scorn. He stared at the dark head laying on his chest, shivering, and most probably not conscious of her actions – terrified. __Who are you? What was happening to him?_

Hissing underneath, he placed his hands on both of her shoulders and gently tried to push her away. And with the same, steady voice, ordered, "Schbeiker, let me leave."

She then turned to him, eyes watering with held back tears. And his glaring eyes beheld her. 

Looking like she had been slapped in the face, she moved back, as if scared of him. But her eyes never left him, not until she reached the posts of her bed – farthest from him – and turned to look away. Her actions were embarrassed, as if though she had been undignified or had imposed somehow. Yet the subconscious light still hovered over her eyes. She then crossed her arms over herself, as if protecting her from him, and looked away.

He stared at her with wide eyes as she did so… suddenly feeling full of remorse.

"I'm sorry… not Duo," she voiced unsteadily as she interrupted his thoughts, choking as she did so, then closed her eyes. 

Eyes wide with sudden shock. He watched her as large tears fell from underneath her long lashes. Unimaginable, this was the same Hilde who had conquered Duo, the one who had put Heero in his place, the only one who had bravely corrected him, yet she was all at the moment so vulnerable. And a pain ached within him, and an intuition that showed him that it was his fault. The pain was abstruse – he didn't know where it had come from. Along with the conflicting urge to still…

No. Yes. Damn you.

And all of a sudden, he had lashed off himself and was holding her tightly against him, as if nothing else mattered in the world. Closing his eyes, he allowed her to hold herself to him and cry out her fears. His arms tightened around the girl, whose presence felt so right in his arms and chose to forget the world around them. He had slowly buried his face in her hair, and soon, his own tears fell, as he slowly chanted words again and again, "_Itai, itami…_gomen… gomen nasai, watashi no reikon."

And in his eyes, he saw himself – Hilde – as the young child he had been countless nights before, crying his heart as well… terrified.

But he had no one to hold him then.

It was pain, so painful… I'm sorry, I apologize, my soul…

Morning was a miracle to Hilde as she awoke to fresh rays of the sun. She had longed to see it since the night before, fearing she might not meet it due to the visions of the evening. Had she dreamt again?

She looked at herself, finding her arms in a comfortable position beside her. Her blankets were well arranged on her too… an unexplainable thing, for she knew that she always woke in tangled blankets due to the... she flinched, dreams. And she was positively sure about the occurrence of another one the night before. She shook her head, deciding not to think of it for the moment.

She slowly got up, raising her arms over her head. Groaning, she stood up and dragged her feet to the dresser, suddenly feeling like she had a headache. She faced the mirror as she wondered about what really happened to her…

And she saw dark red circles under her eyes, along with the sides blotted pink.

_Had I been crying? She thought in wonderment as she suddenly panicked._

Then she looked around, taking time… only to realize that it _was late. She usually woke before the sun was up to prepare breakfast, it was a biological habit of hers. And she couldn't remember anything happening last night, nothing that could explain her unusual headache and her eyes. Was her alarm clock broken?_

She padded over to the said object, and studied it, finding that the alarm button was turned off. What? Her brows wrinkled… she had set this the night before!

Her eyes narrowed, what was happening? She couldn't start the day right this time. Without breakfast, and Heero waiting downstairs for her to cook…

Heero!

He was probably – She didn't finish her thoughts as she ran out of the room and headed for the dining place, in her sleepwear.

And there he was.

When Hilde reached the dining room, she was gasping for breath and had to place both hands on the doorposts for support. She _had_ been sleeping after all. After catching her breath, she turned to slowly look around the room.

She didn't spot him until her eyes rested on the large doorway adjoining the dining room and the kitchen, on which he was leaning on.

He was glaring at her.

Her eyebrow raised at this, _he always does that. She sighed, "Okay, so I'm sorry I wasn't able to cook breakfast. I was late."_

He crossed his arms over his chest, an amused expression marring his eyes. Wondering, Hilde frowned, then looked at the dining table.

Food. There was food.

Food?

"Since when could you cook?" she demanded, her eyes slitting as she accusingly pointed a finger at him. Underneath the action were an incredulous expression and an excited voice. On the table was a variety of perfectly made goods – bread, eggs, pancakes and coffee – she did _not want to believe._

He shook his head, his mouth allowing an arrogant smile. "One cannot survive alone without the ability to cook."

The conversation was leading to something else – and they were both enjoying it, she realized. Placing both hands on her waist, she pointed out, "Heero, trainees are taught to hunt and to roast – nomadic skills, not to cook."

He smirked, "_Gundam pilots were trained differently. Were __you trained to cook as well?"_

"Aa," she counteracted, deliberately ignoring the intended remark. "I've spent years trying to teach Duo how to cook. Till today, he still doesn't understand a thing about kitchen work."

He closed his eyes lazily; "Then the talkative pilot has been making a fool out of you, after all."

"What?" she screeched inevitably, losing all remnants of sleep.

He shook his head, thoroughly pleased with her reaction. Lifting a finger, he pointed to the refrigerator door near him. Her large eyes followed his direction to the receipt attached to it. Her eyes widened even more.

He threw her a glance and stood up to walk away before saying, "I used the money found by the mirror in the hallway to buy our breakfast from the eatery downtown."

Hilde took in a sharp breath.

He proceeded in leaving the room.

That was when her hand suddenly hit his head.

Heero snorted at the barely painful, yet increasingly insulting action (he was satisfied with it though – as strange as it is, he thought, smirking again). He turned back to Hilde, who was behind him, her hands white from the fists they had formed at her sides. He sneered a loud, "What?"

She shook behind him, anger and embarrassment evident in her face, "That wasn't funny."

_Obviously. "Duo Maxwell doesn't cook." he clarified, to appease her. "That would amend." And he furthered in his trek to the door leading outside._

Hilde sighed, muttering a discreet "Heero Yuy doesn't play tricks either," before turning to sit by the table.

An alarmingly mollified and fulfilled look marked his face at that. His eyebrow raised at his reaction… he seemed too much attacked by those feelings these days, darn.

But he was caught when Hilde asked out in a confused voice, "Heero, wait – what happened last night?"

He stopped in his tracks.

Hilde stared intently at the loaf of baked bread in her hands. "I don't remember anything," she said quietly. "But this morning seems strange, I was late. Did I do anything last night? Do you happen to know what's wrong with my alarm clock?"

She shook her head, "That was stupid. I know I did something, but I don't remember." She looked at Heero, "I…"

There it was. He was glaring at her again.

This one was more intense.

"W-What?" she stammered, confused by the sudden change of behavior. "Did something bad happen last night? An attack, or anything?"

His eyes narrowed. "Or was I dreaming again?" she whispered with a low voice, suddenly worried.

But he kept looking at her, the upset gaze morbidly lancing through her. He did not reply, and she immediately wondered if what happened the night before was something too worse to be true. "Heero,"

After long minutes of stony silence, she racked her brain, but the aftermath of sleep covered her memories of the night before. A chase… screams, and Duo… that was all.

But Heero's enraged stare stated more than just that.

What happened? He was being stubborn, and the need to know about the former incidents grew within her. Desperation seized her, and irritation soon inched its way into her consciousness as she struggled to control herself. More confused and urgent, she asked this time, "Heero – what the heck happened –"

"Nightmares," his voice cut coldly through her words. His incensed tone continued, "You were hurting yourself, I had to do something. It was a nuisance."

She gasped.

Silence settled over the room once more.

Hilde turned away and bowed down, ashamed. _My nightmares… he's seen me in my sleep. Oh Lord, what am I to do? she asked her Maker painfully. Wetness found its way into her eyes as she recognized the danger of such an event, Heero would know – and she didn't remember a thing, curse it all. It was embarrassing, for he saw… he saw her…_

She choked.

Her damned, shameful Past.

But… Of _all things,_

_He thought it was a **nuisance**._

Her eyes became moist, she knew that was going to happen. It was expected.

"That would be all," she attempted, drawing a shaky breath. "Leave."

Then she withdrew from her seat and left, walking out, then dashing upstairs.

A loud sound representing the shutting of her door resounded through the room, but Heero didn't notice, for his own pained eyes were staring at the door she had gone through. 

_Cursed complications…shameless past, __no wonder the people will condemn me._

Hilde raised her head from its morose hiding in her pillow when she heard the door shut from Heero's departure. _He's gone, so she immediately jumped from the bed and hurried to her window, making sure to be concealed by the curtains as she took a look._

His straight gaze met her eyes.

He was looking directly at her. There he stood in the driveway, yet he was watching her, and he _knew she was doing just the same. A shiver ran down her spine and prickled her skin. His look was unnerving._

So intimidating, despite the distance, his look held hers with such power. 

And her eyes, he ravaged it, tore through it. Without warning, a flash appeared in his eyes, and it opened to hers. The link suddenly made its way to her eyes from him, threatening her as it approached. 

And she wasn't able to stop it as it reached her eyes and went past her walls and shattered them all, freely entering.

She gasped.

And all of a sudden, he was inside. He knew from her eyes, and he saw. He delved within ravenously, drinking in the site of her soul, taking everything in site. She stepped back. _Impossible… no! Her emotions were under his vision, within his sight. Her life had suddenly become an open book ready to be read. All at once, her mind and heart was bared to him… and he studied, saw, learned and knew. _

And he went on and on… gathering… searching… finding…

No!

He noticed the pallor and the deathly feeling in her eyes, then had enough. He tore his gaze away from her. She had to grab onto the window frame for support as she fell from exhaustion and inner fatigue. She gasped, realizing what Heero had just done.

No. 

She dreadfully looked at him again. 

His eyes had narrowed, but there was something in his gaze.

She shook as she placed a hand to cover her mouth. He looked scornful, furious, indefinitely angered, and his sight was running through her. He heaved deep breaths as his disbelieving face shook with wonderment. He stepped backward, nauseous, but his eyes never left hers.

No.

_Heero, no one could come in__. He couldn't have… he should not have done so__… How could he just step in when…Ashamed, she turned her back to the window. Clutching at the front of her shirt, her eyes narrowed, and she fell short of containing her tears. __I knew I could not hide this forever, Duo had known too._

_ _

She placed her head in her hands and hid, but the tears soon escaped her palm and showed her remorse and desperation. Maybe now, he hated her as well. She had a disgusting origin, so destructive, so dark...

She then glanced back; Heero was still there.

He had a hand raised to her, as if reaching for her. There it was, his powerful eyes, yet the same glaze within it was gentle, as if sympathizing, knowing. Her eyes widened at this. But then he saw her tears, and his face softened in concern, yet did not lose the determination within it. Her mouth opened to ask him why, but he just shook his head.

And as he continued looking, words from him flew to her mind, "_You are so alone…" _Her eyes narrowed, weakened.

He offered her a scarce grin before he placed his hand over his heart. She looked on as his arms moved, leaving a final position: his hand was wide opened, palm facing her as it went before his face, giving glimpses of the intensity and deathly seriousness in his eyes.

"Gundam…" she whispered.

And he didn't speak, didn't nod, only looked at her, then turned around and walked out of her sight.

"Schbeiker, Hilde… OZ militant, succeeded in base attack… head, SCS volunteer group, Pilots First Class, 195 AC… Released from OZ due to disobedience to orders… alleged 'accomplice' of a Gundam Pilot…"

Heero scanned over the results of his search through public and private files, as well as government documents. Nothing he didn't know about… only gave him a clearer picture about how she and Duo Maxwell met. He grunted about this. There was nothing related to her misguiding words, or her seemingly honed skills. There was no record of her past – not even a birth certificate in the government's files. Her life was questionable, and he needed answers. He wouldn't stop now, not after hearing her nightmares.

His eyes glazed over. He should not have done what he had said… but it was what had to happen. She had been hurt, and it took all of his will not to go after her and apologize. But it would be _him who would be revealing too much if he did that._

He never apologized to anyone. She was lucky enough he did so during their last argument. No, he would not.

And it pained him.

Curses, what was happening to him? No one, not a girl, would do anything to affect him. Not Hilde Schbeiker.

He returned his attention to the screen.

"Query: No files found."

His brow rose wryly at this.

_You're just like the rest of us Hilde Schbeiker, with no identity. I had no name wherever I went too. He thought, smirking. __You're just hiding – like us._

Then he remembered her eyes.

_Masaka, her eyes._

He had the opportunity then, and so he took it. He did it like he did to no other; he tried to see her soul. It had been a technique to find emotions that could make your opponent vulnerable. This time, he had a different reason.

And he got what he needed.

Goodness, it was more than what he expected. _He saw._

He shifted his feet. So tender her eyes seemed, so innocent she looked whenever she spoke or walk, but, of all things, what he had done had revealed too much. There was abuse, misguidance and pain in her life. She had seen so many deaths - and the same hands she used to heal his wounds were the same ones that might have killed the lives of many… she was young but she had too much. She had escaped, labeled a spiritual refugee, a rebel, or probably a traitor, but only wanted to leave everything behind. She had no character. And everything, all of her being was bordered with shame.

He knew, because he felt that way once.

And there was the fear, fear because something large and utterly destructive was coming… for her? No, it was for much more… involving not only the ones she valued most, but spanning on to wider, more destructive boundaries. Those, he needed to know.

And there was another kind of dread for her. That was when he released his hold – out of shock. She feared him.

He knew she loved Duo Maxwell, and he knew that she feared for Heero's life as well. But what he didn't understand was why she was afraid of him. He hadn't hurt her, though he almost shot her once, and that she knew he was dangerous – but she had never been scared.

And suddenly, in the midst of his continuously going thoughts, he knew why. It was ironic, yet pleasing at the same time. Yet now was not the right time to contemplate on that. 

With that, he opened his status device, and typed in the government files, "Black Star."

A series of query results appeared, all varying from cults, to aliases, to top secret organizations once foiled…

There he had it.

"… All withheld prisoners… escaped… no results for interrogation… suicide… suspected reestablishment… much larger sources … cases suspected to be affiliated with the said group…"

His eyes widened as he read more.

The _Source._

He stood up and left.

Heero dashed through the door to the house and slammed it shut, as if to prevent anyone, _her, from leaving once he started questioning her._

"Hilde, where are you?" he half-yelled as he made a quick inspection with his eyes. Her walking boots were left on the floor beside him, and her coat remained at the convenience hanger. He was positive; the female was in the house.

But there was no answer.

Grumbling, yet suddenly worried, he stalked over to the kitchen, where she usually was. There was no one. Sighing, he left for the living room, seeking to at least find the woman dozing off. No sign, empty, he thought as he accepted his failed avail. He ran upstairs, blindly searching through all three rooms. The bathrooms were cold. 

He frowned – she hadn't left the house, he was sure of that. And yet, she _wasn't in the house. Where could she be?_

He gave a smirk, he already knew.

He then walked calmly out of the room and made his way downstairs to the garden. As large as it seemed, without doubt she should be there.

Eyes scrupulously scanning the greenery, he strolled through it, noting that he would have to enjoy the peace it offered later on. His vision traveled as he put on his pace. The garden wasn't really that large after all. It had only been the effect of the studiously arranged plants. It was a comforting place.

But still, she was not there.

His eyes slit as he suddenly wondered if she _had gone out after all. Probably left him because of his sudden intrusion. He swore under his breath… cursing everything in sight. If that happened, well then, he'd be damned, no one could stand him after all. But he would have to follow her, especially now, now that he had found out._

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. _Ah_, but what frustrated him was something else. He knew he didn't believe such a thing. Hilde wasn't capable of such.

And that was what he hated. He just realized that he could not bring a single negative thing on the woman. She had taught him hard lessons, and could have very well stood on her own. He knew immediately that she had spunk, judging from the way she hit him that morning, or how she gave smug grins or muttered small barbs. Aside from that, she was very much opinionated, always having one thing to say about anything. She was… to darn different, or similar to _him… too affecting…_

His trail of thoughts stopped as he heard a sound. Suddenly alert, he traced the source… there was nothing unusual with the place.

He smirked, but this was Hilde Schbeiker he was talking about. _She knew._

He studied the ground and tapped his foot on indented places. Suspicious looking planes and spots caught his attention. After two minutes of examination, he saw what he needed when he stomped on the ground made obscure by trees in the back of the yard. _"Thump!"_ His assumptions were correct – metal.

He then knelt over and knocked on it, then feeling over the ground, looking for handles. Soon finding one at its base, he lifted the surface from the ground.

And saw a steel cased passage leading downwards. The side was lined with ladder railings, making a south movement to what he presumed was a base.

With a silent, concentrated move, he lithely dropped down without using the ladder.

He grunted a sound of satisfaction as he made a perfect landing on his feet. Viewing the newly discovered place, he nodded in acknowledgement as he recognized the computer equipment before him.

_Hilde… he thought, why would she need this? Everything was as advanced as the machines used in the _Preventers_ base._

Moving around them, he stopped when he finally gained sight of her.

It was something he'd never seen before.

There she was. Hilde was standing in a straight, open position, one that was obviously meant for combat. He noted her clothes: a short spandex top that was covered by a rather loose jersey; cycling shorts donned her legs, and she was wearing sweatbands and sneakers.

_Training? His mind asked, interested._

And then she suddenly lashed out with organized and perfectly matched attacks. She made kicks and various hand and arm assaults with speed, and she turned around at the right times precisely. He realized at the moment the most of her attacks could easily immobilize someone, and others were, he conceded as she made escape spins and somersaults lined by returned offense, fatal.

There was a desperate, yet determined look on her face as she continued, and the combinations improved. They had become faster, harder to avoid. Heero knew that it was not yet the right time to interfere.

_She was heavily trained, he realized as he saw the hidden muscles contract and expand – and every move was done with experience and ability. __No wonder she had killed before, he continued. It was the Black Star._

And his comprehensions were proven correct when he looked at her as she faced the opposite direction.

There, tattooed on the upper right side of her back, near the joints behind her shoulders, was a small black star.

His eyes slit at this. There was also a diagonal scar marring the drawing.

That was when Hilde stopped, and she noticed him. She gasped, but didn't turn around. She then shook her head afterwards. "Heero," she whispered.

He nodded, "I think you know."

She looked forward as she heaved a deep breath, "That you already know? Yes, I've already expected this the moment you left this morning. And you _are here."_

He shook his head as he walked nearer, "Would you care to answer what I need to know?"

She still didn't move from her position, "No."

His right brow raised, "No?"

Hilde closed her eyes, "Not yet – not when the times are… uncertain. Heero, I shouldn't have made you stay, and you shouldn't have tried. Now, you have affixed yourself inside our world, and you will be made a part of this complicated mess."

He nodded as he gave a grim, cynical smile; "All of us will eventually be a part of this 'mess,' Hilde."

"Not like me, and not as dangerous as you are making yourself. Nothing will happen, not if I can't help it. But you're throwing yourself on the line." 

Silence breached the room, and Heero didn't answer. With that, Hilde went on, now moving to face him. She still didn't look at him though. Her eyes were more fraught and distressed, yet she kept her ambiance the same as she stared into the vast space beside him. There was a pleading light in her expression, "I left so that Duo would not be a part of this. Heero, I wasn't given a choice. Now, I give you a choice."

More silence ensued.

He shook his head, "I'm not leaving, Schbeiker."

She kept her face still, but hope erupted in her eyes, "I need your help. I really need your help. But I can never force you to do so. I was giving you one more chance, Heero. I want your assistance, but I don't want you to be harmed as well. Your wounds are already healed. And if you do this, you will bury yourself deeper into your own destruction. Choose, Heero – and choose well."

Her form wavered as he thought. Yes, Hilde was alone against them all. He would want to leave, but there was no where else he wanted to go. She was asking him to go away, after everything they had been through. But it was too late. Now, the action seemed impossible. Her own fight affected his principles, and could very well harm the world he once believed in. He couldn't leave; it was for the mission.

_You are so alone…_

_ _

It was for her, he thought harshly and without acceptance as he looked down.

"I am not leaving."


	6. Part 5: -Took you long enough to stop yo...

In the Arms of Destruction Chapter 5 – To Trust

In the Arms of Destruction Chapter 5 – To Trust

Hilde looked down, trying hard not to fall down and break into tears and prayers of relief as Heero pledged his involvement. She was still worried, however. Yet he seemed so determined. And she knew that there was no stopping him – nothing would make him change his mind. 

She glanced at the folder he held in his right hand, wondering how much he just knew. She already had an idea on how Gundam pilots work. Just watching Duo was enough. He alone had too much of access to top secret resources, what more of Heero? Heero could help – he would do her well, too well indeed! It would be so much easier… she never wanted to face the damned problem alone. She needed someone… she needed…him. Yet, she also understood that Heero's support would mean his end.

Please, help me…

"Heero," she said, still looking down as she shook her head. _You are more capable_, yet you are too stupid. "That was not the right decision."

He just stood there, smirking at her. "Are you sure?"

She continued to look down. Heero stared at her for a long time.

"You are wrong, Hilde. You are alone."

Hilde raised her head at his sparse words. She closed her eyes, _Duo…_ "Alone, Heero. I tried to avoid it but I've been alone from the start." Confusion, the desire for his support, the pain… all surfaced at once. She wanted Heero there, she didn't want him to leave; she also didn't want him to get hurt. Being involved as it is… 

"_That is why I am here_."

She blinked and looked up, and once again found his intimidating eyes. 

Her eyes very nearly watered. _Darn_, she muttered in her mind as she tried to hide her reaction. She was too used to not repressing her emotions these years that she almost forgot how to do so. But his words alone meant so much, so much more to her than she supposed he could ever imagine. Suddenly, the burden feeling of desperation within her lightened with ease – and she felt redeemed. She looked down, the heard the shuffle of his feet. That was when it hit her: Heero was still waiting for an answer. She decided to tuck her thoughts away for later began to assess what she should do next.

He looked impatient… angry because it was taking her too long to decide. Yet, there was this hesitant look in his eyes, as if he truly valued her next answer. Sighing, she realized that there was no stopping him. And for that, she was truly grateful. Against her intentions, she smiled. His words were enough, and they strangely made her feel… comforted. "I guess that means I can't stop you. You have a reason, now."

Silence fell between them as they both recalled their conversation of a few days ago. A purpose for meeting, she thought bemusedly. Maybe this is what I really need. It was risky, but it was his decision. She doubted if they would make things well, if he would end up being safe in the end, or if they would be succeed. But she trusted Heero to make decisions for himself.

And then a thought hit her – she trusted Heero with this mission. She trusted him with her problems: her life.

And then she stared at him, he was still looking at her, but there was this thoughtful expression on his face. He was also thinking, after all. She looked on wondrously, what was it that made her place her confidence in this man so easily?

She didn't know, but she grinned. The reason will come out soon enough. "Heero, it would be hard…"

"I've been through enough hardships in this life, Hilde." He began quietly. "Now, will you answer my questions or not? Lunch is coming soon." He suddenly answered despite the former pondering condition. There was a half-wry note in his tone, and she frowned at his complaint, then realizing that he was actually trying to keep her calm.

"I understand." She then motioned him to sit down on one of the proffered computer seats. And he complied, his facial expression telling him that he needed answers, and he needed them now. '_He's finally comprehended the gravity of the situation,_' Hilde thought nervously. 

_Fine._ They had to work soon. Wondering once more about what she had gotten herself into again, she sat down and faced him, then tapped a few codes in the computer keyboard.

"First of all, I would be needing your help in a very important aspect." She began, her voice dry and serious.

He nodded as he stared at the computer and the information being loaded into it. His eyes widened at the privacy of those files. So she was a very good hacker, he thought as she shrugged. 

"I need you to tell me as much as you can about how a Gundam system works and how to operate it."

~~~

Heero's eyes narrowed at the word that defined his life so thoroughly. "What was that?"

Hilde sighed from across him, her fingers tapping impatiently on the keyboard, "You heard me, Heero."

Heard her? Of course he had. But to talk about the Gundams – it has been years. And the very same mechas had controlled his life, had been his art and his accomplishment, as well as his failure. Why would she want to learn about that? She couldn't – she didn't deserve it. She didn't have the ability. 

It would be too risky and difficult to fulfill. To use a Gundam meant having your whole being controlled by it in able to gain personal authority. It demanded total use of the self. Above all, he didn't want her to be affected by the obligations that came with being a Gundam pilot, as well as the pains and the limits. He of all people would know the liabilities and missed opportunities unheedingly provided by being one. He had lost so many, and had hidden so much he felt. Being a pilot gave his soul too many regrets and made him apathetic – resulting in confusion when Wing Zero self destructed, and painful washes of overwhelming emotions when Relena decided on an otherwise path. The extinction of its presence threw him off his carefully constructed center.It would be too hard for her.

But he stopped himself; this was Hilde Schbeiker he was talking about. Surely she could… physically, it was probable, given intense training yet he wasn't sure about her will. She wasn't a good candidate, if ever such role was true. And no, he found himself wanting to protect this girl from the effects of such a role. Yet he knew, with surprising force that this girl knew what she was doing, and that she would find all ways to get what she wanted. Even if he refused, she would definitely try through another path – and that could be so much more harmful for her. 

And she knew much more than she was letting on, and he had to trust her and to believe in what she had to do. If anything, this girl knew best about the gravity of the situation more than he did.

What she was asking of him was impossible, but workable. It was not what he wanted to do, but what he had to, in order to fix this controversy. How the heck he got into this mess was something he didn't care for anymore. Where there were many people involved, along with Hilde, the earth, the Space Colonial Stars and even Relena, he wouldn't accept doing nothing. Could she do it?

He stared at her determined eyes.

Yes?

"Why?" he asked, all of his earlier thoughts displayed evenly in the single word. "Why is there a need to do so? The Gundams are gone, after all."

She gave him a grim look. "They're not."

His eyes widened as he stood up, "What?"

Hilde shook her head. "Wing Zero Custom, Deathscythe, Sandrock and Heavy Arms Custom… all of them, they still exist."

"…And how would you know?" He asked, but soon found the answer evident in the stillness of the room.

Hilde stood up as well. "Black Star was a rebel group formed more than twenty-five years ago. They began, even when the colonial wars were starting. Unlike Zechs' White Fang group, Black Star wasn't easily authenticated, it comprised of various groups – all against the governments of those times, especially when the Earth Federation and Romefeller was formed. The assorted range of battles had indeed scarred the earth and had separated the people into various colonies. They were all discontent with the effects of the wars on the people. The best of the best, so to speak. They pooled in all of their resources, and had kept the great secret of their magnitude.

"Their main intention was to start a universal government that was federal in terms of countries and continents. It was like the ideal of communism: a system so strong that no one would dare pose a threat against it. And despite the financial support they had, they weren't able to build systems that could face that of the Romefeller foundation's, as well as the other Mobile Suits. As advanced as they were, they were never able to grab a hand at these highly guarded systems. Plans were stolen and duplicated, but the parts were sparse, as well as the money to buy or create them."

She sighed as Heero listened on intently. "For this reason, the organization lay dormant for the past years and through the wars. But I think that during those periods, they had been secretly scavenging for fallen parts and systems. But we know how well secured every battle compound was, so I suspect that they didn't get much of those parts, but gathered enough to analyze and start building their own artillery.

"I didn't realize this soon enough, but the Black Star _has_ grown, and they had all the right affiliates, all the proper means to get what they wanted. And when the Gundams were set to demolition through the self-destruct buttons within them, I believe they have taken the opportunity. They've probably routed the location and recovered as much as they could find. They surely had the equipment to do that, and the money to keep it covert, as well as the force to be able to surpass security. I know about their scientists, and the extensive research on Gundam anatomy and components. I suppose it has taken years, but with their supposed knowledge and sample parts; they could have rebuilt those models, with the right amount of titanium if not pure gundanium alloy. These systems would play the greatest roles in their ploy. That would explain my suspicions… about everything, the decoys, the severing of ties with the Space Colonial Stars and destruction of the embassies, the theft of Mobile Suit parts – It's a new threat, Heero, a dangerous one."

She faced him, her eyes glittering; "I didn't expect things to happen this way. I _was_ a part of the organization. But that was nearly four years ago. I had left the Base through AWOL*, but unfortunately, was never around too much to understand their plans. It was so long ago… and with the peace now, I thought that their plans had receded, but it seemed like they're more determined. They're searching for suitable pilots, I suspect. But they won't take the former pilots – that would be too risky."

He didn't move as she continued to look at him. "The government will need to gather their forces, Heero. And that is why I need to learn as much as possible about the Gundams. They will surely be the main weapons of the organization. We need to get them away from the Black Star."

He took note of the pleading note in her voice, as well as the now direct resolve that said that she _would_ find out what she needed, with or without his help. He shook his head, still going over the seeming shock of her revelation. He had never heard of the Black Star before, but the organization was fairly strong against the government. The files were filled with their offenses for the past years. And Hilde Schbeiker, the person before him, a week ago only an innocent acquaintance to him, Duo's love interest chatterbox, and the one who had set him confused and informed to no end, was a part of it. No wonder she had that skill. An inquiry then came to his mind. "Why did you leave the organization, Hilde?"

She gasped at his question, and her eyes narrowed, faintly surprising him. So the Black Star had trained her before. Why? And here she was, living her life discretely as a girl in the scrap business. She was going against the group she had grown up with. How could that transition occur? He needed answers: answers that could very well solve the mystery to this girl's personality – and save them as well.

She then turned to the screen and shook her head, "I was so young that time, and was never sure of my decisions. But one thing was for sure: I never had a choice on whether to join the organization or not. I couldn't live there any longer. And when my dummkopf Instructor had set plans for me to leave, I knew that it was my only opportunity to see the world outside."

His eyebrow raised at the term. _Dummkopf?_ And then he noted that her vision had that haze in it, somewhat wistful and otherwise pained. In this picture, he remembered the scenes of the night before, where she had lost herself and cried out to him. Heero thought with fleeting panic that a repetition of that might occur.

She crossed her arms over herself, "There was _no_ life in the Base – only death. We were all trained, day and night, yet we never had the chance to even as much as _see_ the outside world. I was born to that place – one so desolately corrupted, filled with deceit and lies. And I wanted life, Heero, to experience the other side of living – not that overwhelming superiority in skill, which's main purpose is filled with plans to overthrow some authority. That was the environment back there. And I had done so much, I had even killed, yet I was so ignorant. I _needed _to see the outside world, to save me from the insanity of never knowing what life really is. I was thirteen, then. And maybe I could have gone insane – brainwashed, if it weren't for my Instructor. And if I hadn't seen those picture books…"

He listened on with interest at her fading babble. Her life was in her confusing words, and he so wanted to make sense of the jumble her phrases had meant. Her faint explanations matched with what he saw in her eyes, earlier. And corresponded with what he had been through. Peculiarly, though her words had no definite meaning, he felt that he understood. Heero shook his head over that sudden revelation. This girl… it wasn't supposed to be that way.

"And when I discovered the colonies, and the beauty and sheer… normality of everything, I sought to protect it and give new meaning to my life. I wanted to put the past behind and just… be a person, a real person. And then came OZ, and one obligation followed after the other."

She could relate, Heero now knew. But although they had similarities, he noticed how different they actually were from each other when it came to the results now. He clutched the folder in his hand. He knew such trivial things shouldn't bother anyone, especially not him. So Hilde had a secret, and had the key to the disturbing events of recent, that alone was his concern. He smirked.

But it immediately faded: there was one thing he noticed, she was actually telling him that much about her life, the one that she had long ago concealed.

Hilde realized the trail of her words, and immediately snapped back to reality, her face being colored by a blush. "I'm sorry Heero… I, oh cripes, I… you heard that… You didn't understand a thing, did you?"

Despite himself, his mouth formed a small smile of amusement, "I didn't. But learned much to answer my question." He looked away as he dictated that telling statement. Hilde noticed that his lips had set in a tight line. And she immediately looked down. "I'm sorry… I don't know. I've been confused, myself."

Heero, not listening to the heed of courtesy, asked the question that had instantaneously reached his mind. Eager to be rid of the frustration and not wanting to explain why the thought affected him so, he started. "I thought you were wary about your past."

She shook as she comprehended his words, and then stared at him, her eyes beseeching his face for the answer. He felt strangely comforted and looked back at her.

"I don't know, Heero." She sighed, "It just… felt right to do so. Maybe it's because I have this sudden strange feeling that told me there's nothing left to hide. You've seen everything. Or perhaps because you seem to understand. And probably… I probably just trust you. Or another reason soon to be told to me."

He rolled his eyes at her strange philosophy, but soon realized that he was doing that because he was bent on hiding his reaction to her words. _She trusted him_. He suddenly took a sharp breath, then thought curiously to himself about that reaction. But when he glanced at her, his thoughts disappeared, and one particular statement was left visibly in his mind.

There was no longer any doubt about what he wanted to say or do. That phrase alone could give reason for him and compensate for everything he had heard.

"I'll help you."

(* AWOL – Away Without Official Leave)

~~~

There was yet another change in atmosphere as Hilde and Heero ate during lunch. While at first, things were awkward because they were wary of each other, and at the next time more comfortable due to their resolved differences, things were soundless again due to Hilde's quiet ponderings. Heero was staring at her, speculating in his mind about the sudden distance in the girl. Before, their discomfited situations were due to his stony silence, and Hilde had easily remedied that. Now, the situation was different, and he didn't know what to do. Hilde could easily move from being lively and exuberant to being deathly silent. She was drawing herself away, trapped in her own thoughts. It seemed like she was scared to meet his eyes. Somewhat… ashamed.

"What is it?" He asked, ignoring the glaring fact that it was him who first started to talk this time. He had been thinking about how he was affected by her earlier words. The sudden revelation of her past in a nutshell had him quite surprised, but not too much. He had already anticipated her involvement in an operation that required extensive training, but otherwise, he hadn't expected something this covert and influential. He received the answers to his questions today, along with a new duty and revelation. He had accepted the responsibility she was completing on her own and he had done it with all his will (he still didn't know what was it that caused him to do that in the first place, but had allowed it). Yet despite the knowledge of her past, he discovered that he was still nowhere near predicting her personality.

Which was why he was in this situation now. Her refusal to look at him disturbed him, much more than what was called for. He glared at her from across the table. He was irritated by how strange it was with her – the things she made him feel. Now, it was frustration. "Well?"

Hilde was still looking down, her face unreadable and her braided hair gathered at her left shoulder. She sat, still staring down at her meal, not wanting him to see her face. He sighed, upset over this, but waited patiently. Then, after several seconds, she finally sighed and shook her head. "I… can you bear it?"

Heero, for all his examination, was confused. "What?"

Hilde at last looked at him. "I mean, you know… eating here with me when you very well know that I…" she didn't finish.

She was having a hard time with her composure when she had first asked him. But when he asked what it was that she was talking about, she couldn't hold on anymore. He even wanted details to express her question. It was simple enough! She knew that he would be revolted with her, now that he knew about where she'd been from and how she'd grown. The _Base_ had certainly warned her enough about rejection instead of acceptance whenever she considered leaving, and she wanted to know if that was true. Heero was the first one to literally know about her past, and she wanted to know how he felt. And be prepared for the others.

She shook her head. Why was she letting such a thing affect her? Darn it, she could easily hold on her own. She had been doing well on that job for the past few days – she could easily defend her actions, and with honor. She had pride, and was never humiliated by her own decisions – she trusted herself! She would never lower her dignity down to anyone, unless it was God.

She gulped, but where it concerned her past… things were different. Much different, like she was at the moment, compared to who she had been five years ago. And when Heero was taking so long to reply, she knew that she would experience the inevitable…

"You've been so determined to set me straight on self-worth and honor for the past few days, and now you're asking me if I'm ashamed of you?" She heard Heero's voice, "And I thought _I_ was the one who needed help."

She gasped, and then she frowned. "What was that?" Though through her hissed response, there was this sudden shocked emotion. Heero's reaction to her confession was definitely not what she had expected, too farfetched to be exact. But what did that mean?

She looked at him as he answered steadily, "Schbeiker, your past was not any different from mine, but looking at what you've been compared to me, I question my own honor on my past. I know that I shouldn't let my history affect me that much. The past is part of who we are now. And no matter how we try to, we can never change it. You yourself said that the only way is to accept it. There is no need to show embarrassment and disgrace over what you've done. Surely there are reasons why you've done them."

_But there was _no_ reason, Heero. I was confused, stupid and was mistaken._

And Heero stared straight into the eyes of the astonished girl before him. "You have no reason to be ashamed. I have no business placing opinions on your past—I acknowledge it, just like I comprehend the past of others. Any person who can't accept who you are is not worthy of you." He felt a stress on that statement.

A sudden quiet filled the room.

Hilde, after watching him for what seemed the longest time, turned back to her food. Aside from Heero's different reaction and the relief that he wasn't upset was the fact that Heero spoke that much for her, even delving into his own past. She looked at him.

And then he was looking back at her. They watched each other.

Goodness, he accepted her.

Of all things… of all the people she had expected to react differently, it was Heero who had spoken the words that had reached her the most.

Comfort. He comforted her. And she felt strange understanding in his Prussian blue eyes. Ironic, she had been the one who was supposed to help him, not the other way around. The thought made her smile, and her soul brightened with gratitude.

Someone she trusted – the one who had accepted her despite everything, the one who comforted her. Heero Yuy was all that, and she could never be more thankful.

"Thank you."

~~~

No one had ever thanked him like that before, over the simplest thing.

And Heero had never talked, or rather, explained with that much words, time and meaning to anyone, either. He had even compare the person's life to his own, and that was something he'd never considered doing, ever.

And no one had _ever_ defeated him in personal combat. The people he had fought hadn't even lasted for more than a few minutes.

Ever.

But for crying out loud, Hilde Schbeiker was different; he had learned that understatement by heart now. And for all the bizarre things she had unconsciously made him do for her, he was very much aggravated. She was an OZ leader at fifteen – how could he have forgotten that? Aside from these were the constant reprimanding to himself for thinking her that… normal.

He took a back flip as Hilde swept down to trip him. And when he swiveled back to hit her face with his foot, she surprised him by interrupting it with her arm and holding his leg down, thus resulting to a fall.

"When," he huffed as he rolled over and stood up, "did you learn _that_ and how ever did you hold back during the war?"

They had started training soon after a few hours from lunch. He had decided to see the measure of her skills and to see how he would train her, depending on her abilities. But no more than five minutes later, he was fighting at full strength. He had never expected to be doing that before, much less to a girl that looked like Hilde. But she _was_ very good at physical combat, and she was heavily trained, along with her experience.

He had easily put her down on the first round, but that was when he figured out that she was hiding the real extent of her abilities. And when she had lashed out at him after that, he was too caught by surprise on her style and sudden speed that he was given a disadvantage. He had recovered soon after that, but had eventually lost due to her unexpected kick attack. Her body gave her the advantage of speed and space. And soon, he had thrown courtesy to the wind and had started on showing her his real skill.

And, of all things, it seemed like they were getting a draw. He _might_ even lose. She was too darned good, but he knew that she was also having a difficult time. Her attacks comprised of a reasonable, complicated, yet actually simple combination of martial arts and western techniques. He was lucky to pull off a good fight.

Hilde stood up and got into a fighting position. "Hold back? Heck, Heero, I was young and daring – and stupid, I'd _never _held back. How do you think did I easily win the leading position in the first class voluntary section? I never realized that I was risking my identity. Fortunately, I got placed in the pilots division, which I had no idea about. You can't well place physical skill to use when you're manually controlling a robot, or fixing some mechanical parts. There was no use, after all. I could have done better afoot.That was when I decided about my foolishness – _then_ I decided to lie low. 

"Besides, there was no absolute need. Duo has suspected enough, and anyone who would see would wonder (_I know,_ he grudgingly admitted). Whatever 'talents' I had _never _worked on him, anyway. My fault was underestimating Dorothy Catalonia when I went to the Libral Craft."

He then took off into the opposite direction, "And not learning how to properly use Mobile Suits?"

She followed him. "Are you trying to bait me, Yuy? Well, for your information, everything I did on that Taurus was purely self-taught, and without manuals whatsoever. So there! I've never ridden a mobile suit before in the Base!"

Heero launched himself on the wall and propelled himself against it, using it to jump back to her and deliver a punch, which caught her unaware. But she had, again, deflected it by moving back, though his fist grazed her face and sent it snapping back a little. She hissed as she held her cheek, "Good one."

He gave a satisfied smirk and followed on to attack her, sweeping down to make her fall. Hilde then countered with the same move he had used earlier when she had used the same attempt: she flipped back and tried to kick him in the neck. But he learned from her moves and caught her ankle. What surprised him was when she purposely dropped down and used her other foot to kick him.

"Oof!" 

He fell down, gasping, and rubbed his left cheek as Hilde proceeded to stand up. A blue discoloration appeared on her cheek where he had earlier hit her. "That caught me." He admitted as he stood up, trying to ignore the pain. It had been years since he'd last experienced the fist of a person on him, and he was still getting used to it. Rather, he was also enjoying himself.

Hilde placed her hands on her hips, "I know how to counter my own moves, Heero. Do you? Well, I didn't know that we would include gymnast tricks like you did in this 'test' fight. I decided to use a few of my own – like that."

So she had _still_ been holding back? _Masaka_, Heero thought, _this woman is very, very skilled._ Very well. He went into his attack position and motioned to her with his chin. "Let's spar."

True to his word, the so-called test fight to measure her skills turned out into a full out sparring session. A flurry of attacks came at high speed, some fatal, some weak, yet always deflected. The end came a ten minutes later, when both of them dropped to the ground.

"Heero, I think you're enjoying this too much," Hilde wheezed out as she wiped a trickle of blood from her chin. She was on the floor, kneeling.

"A bloody draw," Heero muttered irately, borrowing her language as he leaned on the wall, both of his feet sprawled carelessly. He was rubbing his shoulder, the pain there was much stronger than the other parts Hilde had managed to hit. Darn it, now he had _both_ shoulders injured.

Hilde gave him a grin. "Draw, Mister Yuy? I don't think so, not when this is the only advantage I can _ever_ have over you." She stood up and wobbled on her feet, "I can still make it." She winked at him. "Come over here and let me whip you."

Heero snorted, "I doubt you can stand for even five seconds."

Hilde walked over to him, "Are you sure?"

Heero gave her his harshest look, "We won't be able to train soon enough in these conditions."

She stopped, then blinked. Then she gave him her sweetest smile. It was amazing, how easily they got along this time around, he thought hesitantly, if not a bit heatedly. He was starting to blurt out his opinions, useful or not, and she was starting to be ultimately at ease with him. "You're trying to buy me, Heero? Thank you very much but I've seen your tricks, and who knows how many times Duo had used that very same thing on me, that pig. I _will_ fight you until I win."

Heero sighed. He couldn't believe it. No, not ever had he been defeated like this… "Fine, you win, by farce."

"Or force?" She laughed and fell down next to him. "I'll have that, Heero. I won."

He said nothing as she praised herself proudly, apparently just to irritate him. He was amused. "That was a good technique."

She shrugged as she laced her shoes, "Instructor gave me a strange, yet very special technique that was a combination of his skills. It was very organized, and I also learned through _his_ experience. Our training was rough, yet the very same hardships I endured caused me victories in lots of fights. However, I believe this is my greatest accomplishment, yet." She gave him a deliberate look.

She was changing the subject, Heero realized as he closed his eyes. He did not dare ask who the ever-elusive Instructor was, or what kind of battles she had faced. He knew that she was rather sensitive about her past. How ever was she able to keep up the pretense and feigned ignorance? He shot a look at her. No, she was simply afraid of being revealed. Hiding herself would be the best move for her and the people around her. 

If Heero recalled correctly, Hilde knew a lot about the Black Star, which meant that she was obviously a possible threat. If ever the group found out that she had relations with the government, or had plans to counteract them, he knew that she would be in trouble. She was correct: discretion was what they needed.

He just sighed, "What do you mean about having an 'only advantage' over me?"

Hilde looked confused, then she wrinkled her eyebrows. "You're clearly my superior when it comes to harder levels of training. I know just enough about mechas to control the movement of a Virgo, but not enough to know its full strength. I may have an advantage over guns and I have a fairly appraisable aim, at least Duo told me. I'm curious about your skill in the control of heartbeat. I've had some knowledge and practice in breathing and blinking, as well as movement, but never about the heart. You're even a greater hacker than me, and there are about a hundred more things."

Heero listened with fascination at her words. She knew _that_much, of course. Then he shook his head. "Of course."

Hilde looked at the man beside her. _Not very expressive, and he still speaks in that strange monosyllabic language._ She sighed. Heero was Heero, but this very same person was someone different, someone special: and he had her respect and trust. "Heero, please… I hope that…" 

He shook his head and gave her yet another glare. "I promised that I would help you. Don't worry. I'll do anything I can, given the proper equipment and cooperation."

She nodded and smiled as she stared off. _Thank you, Heero._ She said in her mind. _You don't know how much this means to me._ Then she stood up. "When will we start?"

~~~

Hilde was holding an icepack against her lip when Heero entered the living room after dinner. Their routine was about to end. After this, they would both go up to their separate rooms as they did every night. But again, she felt more comfortable, she realized as she watched him sit down on the sofa next to hers. Every time, the way about how she felt when around him changed, gradually growing more accustomed to his presence and feeling calmed by it. The feeling of having nothing much left to hide about her past from him was taking a lot of getting used to, but made her at ease. She then turned to him, "That hit on my lip was bad, really bad."

He snorted, "Both of my shoulders are aching."

"Oops," she said sardonically, but she was smiling.

He rolled his eyes.

At her relaxation, she had realized that she had been jesting with him at the past few days. And he wasn't getting really mad, just exasperated. Their living under one roof for a couple of weeks had changed a lot of things. She released her breath and gave him another grin. "I'm still licking my wounds."

He sighed.

Her brow raised. No more words and just reactions, that meant he wanted to tell her something. She then edged near him and asked. "What is it?"

Quite startled that she had predicted his thoughts, Heero took a few seconds to completely face her. He looked disgruntled about what she had done, and she almost smiled. Or sighed – whatever! Heero Yuy was the most complicated person she had ever met, next to Duo that is. He was absolutely impossible to predict, more so when she couldn't tell whether he was serious or just acting silly. Shaking her head, she then nodded, "Well?"

He sighed, then looked away. A serious look fell on his face. "I know it might disturb you, but why didn't you tell anyone about this situation? It's obviously such a difficult task, and would have so many people affected. It would be very hard to do it alone. Why ever did you keep quiet?"

Hilde, fairly shocked by the sudden question, opened her mouth to speak, then slowly shut it again. She looked away after this and placed her arms over herself. "With what proof do I have to back everything up? It's amazing how I got you to believe my reasoning."

Heero caught himself at his words. Believe her? Yes, what was it that made him believe her? Aside from the fact that her suggestions were possible and that she was well associated with the group she was analyzing as the source of all attacks, what was it that made him accept her words as true? Those facts weren't enough to prove her words real. But of course, there was the data in the computer at the basement, and his own researching. He wasn't so sure, it was a big gamble, yet…

Hilde placed a hand on her shoulder. "Besides, what would make them believe me? A random girl with no files supporting me, not even a _birth certificate_—discharged from the controversial OZ and has nothing much to prove my sincerity but a tattoo of a black star that can very well be fake? I could search for evidence, but it wouldn't be enough to make them bring me to an elite investigation. They would easily dismiss me. It's just… hardly acceptable for a girl to do it. They'd think that I just have a plausible theory, and that's that. It would take too long for them to know the truth, and in that period of time, I could easily be revealed."

She sighed, "You see, they just won't do it, and it's too risky for me."

Heero, who had been looking away in silent contemplation when she had started to explain, now turned to her and asked her. "The tattoo – is it a simple tattoo, or can it be authenticated to the Black Star members only?"

She stiffened at her question, but answered, "I think it's has other unique properties compared to normal black star tattoos, but nothing that can't be duplicated."

Heero raised his eyebrow at this.

She lifted her hands as her eyes widened, "Heero, I received this tattoo when I was a child, merely two years after my birth. I don't remember anything about this. And I can't very well look into the tattoos of the people around me! They'd consider it an insult. We hardly speak to each other, if not to cuss them – really. I could never ask my Instructor, heck it's even against the rules to know his name. Everything was private. The only way I got to know the tattoo was by using two mirrors."

Heero's eyes flickered at the information. She spoke so freely now, and, as always, was eager to defend her case. She was herself again in spite of their current turn of knowledge. He almost sighed at the irony. Nodding, he asked her, "What do you think is distinctive to this mark?"

They were still wearing the outfits they used to spar, so he could still see her tattoo if he asked. Hilde moved at this and showed him her back. She gathered her hair in her hand and motioned to him. "Here, check if my observations were right."

He straightened at the request, but saw her serious face and realized that she was just as curious about the mark that defined her origin as much as he was. He shook his head and stood up, then sitting behind her to observe the small mark. He nodded at Hilde to begin.

She took a deep breath, "I suppose there is a circle with a darker shade of black in coloring at the lower right triangle." Heero squinted at this and examined the drawing. Ignoring the scar that marred the spot into half, he noticed that there was indeed a dark circle in the lower right triangle. "I see, that's right." And then he saw the golden lines that marked the upper side of the said region. "There is this gold coloring…"

"Yes," he heard Hilde acknowledge from before him. "I think it's some special alloy that they used. It hasn't faded a bit over the years, and I never knew that gold-bronze colors could last that long. I don't understand it myself. I was young when I examined it."

Heero scrutinized the gold chrome-like material and ran a finger over it, but at the contact, he felt her freeze. He then realized that he was unmoving as well. Her skin felt soft.

Then, once again, everything was silent, with neither of them moving, nor talking. The effect of the single touch was overwhelming, and his index lay still on her shoulder. He felt that warm pressure on his cheek again, but couldn't move.

That was when Hilde coughed, thus moving a little and releasing them from each other. He was caught surprised and started to scowl when what unexplainable thing happened reached his mind. What was that? He looked on angrily as he drew his hand away, as if revolted by the part that made him feel so much, it immobilized him. He was busy cursing himself when Hilde suddenly raised, "Well, anything else?"

He could almost hear the choke in her voice. He sighed at himself and frowned. Almost.

"Anything else, what?"

"Didn't you find anything else worth mentioning?" she asked quietly, but he could still hear that faint trace of urging in her voice. He then recognized her question then turned back to the tattoo again. He berated himself in his mind. What the heck was happening to him? He was jumping from once uncertain thing to another. He just shook his head as he began to once again scrutinize the image.

There was something unusual with the gold material, but he decided to think about it later. His eyes traced intently to the center of the star—then distinguished something else. His voice raised, "Are you named in numbers?"

She shook, alarmed, "How did you know that?"

His mouth gave a smirk as he read out loud, "Number Twenty-Six?"

She fell still.

He noted this and stared at her. Why was she so tense about it? He recalled the number and wondered what it really meant. He also found himself worrying and decided to reprimand himself later. "What's wrong?"

Hilde finally released her breath and shook her head, "No, it's nothing. It's just that it has been years since someone called me that name. That number, anyway."

Heero decided to drop the subject. "It was visible in the center. Aside from that, there's nothing else that can catch attention."

"Is it unique enough?" Hilde suddenly asked, out of the blue. 

Heero took his time in answering, thinking about something very important that he had noticed. "It is, but it can just as well be something anyone can personalize. Who knows if the number twenty-six is simply your favorite number? But the black circle and the gold material can… prove something quite different."

She raised her eyebrow, "A little… different?"

He sighed, and nodded. "A little." 

She closed her eyes over his repetition of that phrase and released her hair from her hand, thus covering the scarred mark with her ponytail again. "Well, at least there's _some_ distinction." She then sighed and stood up. "I better wash up and get some sleep. You, especially – go get your rest, you'll be having a very, very hard time," she gave him a mischievous look as a last attempt on a joke. _Or warning,_ he thought, somewhat nervously. "… Trying to train me."

Without waiting for a comeback, she smiled and turned to leave the room. Heero snorted at this, so she didn't want to wait for his answer, too bad.

And when he saw her disappear, he knew that she was trying to get away, too. She wanted to be alone. That, he supposed, was the reason for her sudden departure. He knew she was fairly affected when he had said the number, but he hadn't had that intention, then. He never knew she would be slighted by it. He decided to leave the case alone.

He stood up and went to walk to his room. But halfway on his trip, he stopped and froze, realizing the important thing that he had kept on pushing away in his mind.

The gold material in her tattoo, it was similar to the copper that was used in computer chips. He at least took that in despite the distraction. And if he was correct, that very same mark, with its odd coordination and distribution, could possibly be used as a socket to connect the tattoo itself, and probably her body, to a computer.

~~~

"Just _what_ are we supposed to do with this?" 

Heero regarded Hilde's raised eyebrow as she stared impassively at the set of red and blue rubber balls Heero held surreptitiously in his hand. He sighed as he noted her crossed arms, done so in a way that implied she had been insulted. "Training."

It was early the next day. Heero, after debating in his mind about the possible reasons for the girl's tattoo and his so-called 'stupid' decision to stay and help train her, finally fell asleep dead in the middle of the night. He soon awoke after two hours, unable to rest. It was then when he started on his module for the Great Training, using his own experience as a guide. And there they were, in the basement, and he was having difficulty explaining the nature of this test to her. He then wondered if he had made the right decision, all the while knowing that in the end, he would still have done it for the same questionable reasons.

Her night-blue eyes narrowed as she regarded the balls, "I've never seen _that_ kind of training before."

Heero smirked. 

She glared at him, then finally stomped her foot. He had the surprising urge to smile at that reaction, and felt even more satisfied when she conceded. "Fine, fine – show me your stuff, and kindly tell me how this is related to Mobile Suits while you're at it."

He just shook his head and began. "You're good in combat, that much I've gathered – _pure_ combat that is. I want to see how you coordinate your movements and your ability to stay focused. Those are the first keys to controlling Mobile Suits correctly."

She nodded attentively, but stopped in an effort to grimace, "And the balls?"

"You hit them."

Hilde crossed her arms before her. "That's easy enough."

He gave her what seemed to be was a taunting, testy look. "We'll see." He muttered. He lifted the sack of blue balls he had just bought. "I'll throw these balls at you. I'll be hitting you with the red ones too. You have to hit them or use your hands to deflect them."

She listened on. "And?"

He brought out the two balls he had been holding earlier; "There's one rule. You may hit the blue balls only with your right hands, and the red ones with your left. Any wrong moves or coordination will be disqualified. The more correct hits you have, the better. Understood?"

She looked confused for a moment, pondering on the strange rule, but she agreed to it anyway.

"Good. Start."

She looked incredulous, "Now?"

A red ball thrown to her face answered her. Her instincts acted immediately and she used her dominant right hand to swat the ball away. "You didn't give me time for a head start!" she complained. 

His only reply was, "You used your right hand, that's minus one to your points."

She glowered at him, "Heero Yuy!"

He returned her look, "You wanted to train, didn't you?"

"But –" a blue ball headed towards her, followed immediately by a red ball. This time, she used her right hand to hit the former and her left hand to swat the other. "Good," she heard Heero comment, and she immediately knew that all her complains would be for naught. Sighing, she fixed her stance and anticipated the next balls.

They all came in full force, and Heero just couldn't seem to stop throwing them at her. And she tried, really tried to hold on to the rules – she did, actually, until they came in complete brunt. She couldn't follow the limits anymore, she just needed to use her dominant hand, but she was only gaining a few fifty points at that. The more she made mistakes with the use of her hands, the more her score decreased.

She heard Heero's voice from beyond the balls, "If you can't follow the rules, it's better you allow yourself to be hit rather than disobey the conditions – therefore you won't lose points, or risk your life over the wrong controls."

She muttered a German expletive when she did just that – and a red ball promptly hit her nose. After blushing a good deal, she finally understood the initiatives behind the training. _Fine, Yuy. I understand. If that's how you want it, I'll go with it._ "More, Heero."

Heero nodded at his students and turned the sack to release all of the balls. There was some improvement, she was learning – that thought was enough.

Hours later, she was sitting on the ground as he tallied her score, though she wondered how in the world he was able to do just that without the use of a tally board or a computer. He was truly the Perfect Soldier, _and the perfect grudge_ she added as he frowned at her, his Prussian eyes glinting levelly. 

"Your first try was unsatisfactory, but quite impressive for a first timer. Fifty-eight points. Your ability with your left hand is not bad at all, but you have to learn to use it accordingly. Remember, physical ability is only second in using Mechas, you have to attain that mental level of controlling it, as well. Because in these robots, you use machines – buttons and handles, accelerators and transmitters – in order to work well, not the extensive use of your hands, feet and muscles. In fact, a lame person, given some training, can control a Gundam to its highest level." He finished as he helped her to stand up.

Her eyes widened, "Really?"

When he turned away, she prodded even more, "And how far am I from that level?" 

She couldn't believe it but she thought she saw a ghost of a smile on his face, "Not very far."

She released a deep breath and almost smiled herself, "But I'd be needing lots more of training, right?" Training – she was beginning to hate the word, but she was glad to know that she could get better, no matter how absurd his methods may seem at first.

"A _lot_ more." Was all he said, exasperation and uneager notes in his voice, and her good mood immediately soured.

~~~

Perhaps it was revenge.

He knew Hilde wasn't exactly pleased with him when they both clambered up from the basement. Despite all his encounters with the other Gundam pilots and other enemies, he wasn't really used to a female scowling at him. He was almost sure she would poison their dinner. (His suddenly wry humor came from her, too – his brow raised at the thought) She kept glaring at him, maybe for putting her hopes down. But he couldn't help it – he had to be honest, and directly blunt. Besides, it was the first time he ever taught something to someone, and he was very sure of the fact that his own trainer had been _much_ more blunt and discouraging than he was now. 

It was strange; he realized that he felt some pleasure at seeing her glittering eyes, or her angrily red cheeks, and even the way that she impatiently brushed at her long bangs whenever she was angry. He was discovering more and more of her habits, and though he didn't usually care, he found himself in some way affected. Like for instance, how he was worried that he hurt her feelings somehow, or how he felt like a moronic cad whenever her face crumpled or sighed when she thought he wasn't looking. But she had asked to be trained under him, not the other way around, he concluded, she should live with that.

He wondered why he was so affected.

That was, until he heard the raucous, earsplitting singing.

She was in the bathroom across his room, for goodness's sake, and the more he asked her to tone down on her seemingly bawdy ballad, the more she sang out loud. He should have known that the little rebel would soon start on some way to annoy him, as she always did.

He had to keep his temper in check as he knocked on the bathroom door, "Schbeiker, will you just lower your voice for awhile and let me rest?"

The shower stopped running for a few moments and he heard her reply in a heated but cheerfully annoying voice, "By the Gundams, I'll be singing here till the dawn if that's what you want – you deserve it. Besides, a luxurious bath is long overdue for me, don't you think? After all, this afternoon was _so_ tiring, not physically, mind you, but I have me pride, ye know?" she added, slipping into an irritated German-English brogue. And then the shower continued running, and she began off key, "Just smile for me-e and let the day begiiin! On the wings of looove, up and above the clouds, the only way to flyyy! Is on the wings of love!"

His temper flared and he stalked back to his door before he could threaten to break the bathroom door down and throttle her, but stopped when she called out, "By the way, Heero, I'm in the tub… Which means I'll be staying much longer in this bathroom than expected!"

" _K'so!_" he cursed in Japanese before slamming the door to his own room to shut the boisterous sounds out. She didn't take heed to it, though, and still continued, "Sorry about that Pal, ye agreed to train me, not the other vay around, so you should live vi' it!"

He growled back another curse – the vengeful minx was turning his words back on him, and he didn't know whether to be amused or enraged. He had never been in that predicament before and this girl _dared_ to aggravate him. So if this were what he got for ticking her off – fine, he would play by her game.

~~~

Hilde took a deep breath as she faced the door.

_O-okay, so it's midnight already, let's just hope he slept through my theatrics, or at least fainted because of the horrid screeching sounds I made, which so properly were dubbed 'singing.'_

She gulped nervously as she reached for the door handle. Heero should be beyond furious by now. Heck, she already developed the sore throat herself. She smirked at this – he deserved the irritation anyway, with the embarrassment he put her through. And though she felt quite (just a _little_) guilty, she knew she found some sadistic satisfaction in annoying the Great Grudge. 

She glanced at her pruned fingers, ah, but vengeance had a toll on her as well. She then turned towards the door again and then weighed the odds. She could open the door and sneak to her room, that was, if Heero wasn't waiting on the other side already. For if he was, then she was quite sure that he would murder her halfway through. It was just a game, but Heero Yuy didn't play games, this she knew well. Surely he had comprehended that she was no longer singing, and that she could come out any second now.

The other choice was to just stay in the bathroom. But following that decision, she could very well stay there forever if he was on guard. If anything, Heero was very alert, more so during the day, and this night was her only opportunity to escape. After all, he wouldn't leave the house now that her secret was out. She couldn't try 'singing' again in hopes that it would somehow repel him – her voice was too scratchy. And she wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that she would have to shut up for a few days just to regain her voice.

_What to do_? She sighed, then decided to brush her teeth. She was quite sure that Heero would soon face her, he wasn't _that_ indifferent – he had a temper to match his stubbornness too. And if anything, she wouldn't be surprised if he had a gun pointed to her temple the moment she opened that door. She could almost picture him saying, "You're voice is much more of a threat to peace rather than any organization. You're better off dead," or rather, "Maybe we should use your voice to defeat the Black Star."

She almost laughed at her pathetic attempts to comfort herself. Why ever did she have to do that? Why, it was years after she'd last done that, just to irritate Duo because he ate her ice cream. _And I love ice cream,_ she sniffled, then accepting that some of her old humor and mischief was returning. Why, because she was getting at ease with Heero?

She choked on the water she was using to wash her mouth, at ease? Well, if ever that was true, she had just broken that ease with her former opera. Why _did_ she have to do such an irritating thing to him?

She then ran a hand through her hair – Heero didn't deserve her anger and revenge. He didn't do anything wrong to her. If that was any indication, the only person to blame was herself. It was just the way he broke her hopes with the simple statement during their first day of training. 

_You're acting immature_, she scolded herself in the mirror. But in defense, she reasoned in her mind -- _It was our_ first _day of training, and I really felt, well, insecure. He didn't have to be **that** blunt_. It really hurt, the way he said that she needed much more training. Blame it on her sensitivity, she thought resignedly. Yes, she should have expected that she was far from suitable on learning how to pilot a Mobile Suit, much less a Gundam expertly. But of course! And she had been at her wits' end at the past few days because of her worries about creating a plan. Yet, she was really determined to work on it, and he had to perfectly ruin her confidence by giving her that _infuriating_ glare and that _arrogant_ half-smirk she just wanted to wipe off his face, his handsome face stating in that _degrading_, cold voice that she just wasn't good enough –

_Who am I kidding? He just wanted to help, and that was his only intention when he told me that I needed much more improvement! _She sighed. And then she just _had_ to shun his efforts by doing that senseless singing stint. She wouldn't be surprised if he left.

Wait, no way is he going to leave! She thought frantically.

_Uh, huh. You're scared. You just realized how you needed him._ A voice said in her mind.

No way, she shook her head. She could make it on her own. Heero Yuy did deserve an apology, but he had no right to leave after the promise he gave her. But that was just fine, she could still make it on her own. She was just getting much too used to the idea of having him and his habits around.

_You called him handsome._ The voice accused out of the blue.

"I did not!" She yelled at her reflection. Then she paled.

Goodness of Deutschland, she was talking to herself.

~~~

Hilde could almost puke, but kept that for later. Having declared in her mind that she couldn't stand any second longer in the bathroom, she kicked the door open and made a mad dash to her room.

She released her breath when she arrived at her destination and without delay shut the door with a large _bang_. Without much further ado, she locked it and used the metal links to double the lock, just in case. She then leaned at the door and sighed. 

_Well, that was easy enough_, maybe Heero did find that waiting for her would be futile and just slept the night away. That was good – she couldn't face him now, what with her singing and the sharp sentence in the bathroom. _Maybe I was just getting to claustrophobic,_ she hopelessly tried to reason out to herself. Or Duo, yes… Duo was rubbing off on her… then guilt and remorse returned to her mind. 

She groaned. Sleep – that was just what a girl like her needed after a day of settling many things, embarrassments and voice belting. The maybe, just maybe, tomorrow she would return back to her normal, sensible self. She flicked the lights open.

"Took you long enough to stop your darned _Kabuki_ symphony, _ne_?"

She shrieked. 

~~~

Heero strode off to the little fox as she gave an uncharacteristic scream and started tugging miserably on the metal links of her room. He could almost grin at this, cruel or not cruel. She just made him so wretched upset with her revelry that he nearly lost his slip on his impenetrable control. Heck, he was also being sarcastic – maybe because she had won over him this time. And to think he thought she was this shy, feminine woman with a harsh past who needed protecting! He never considered her temper, or her stubbornness, nor had he given attention to her moodiness at times. She was one viper when defensive, he just accepted. But he would _never_ let that go over him. He didn't have time for these games.

He only had time to hear her small, somewhat astounded squeal when he grabbed a hold of her wrist and pinned it to the door behind her. He had been up waiting for her the whole night, and he was _not_ in a good mood. He gave her his most heated glare as he raised a brow at her. "Well, Schbeiker, how was your bath?"

She darted nervous looks behind him, her blue-black eyes glinting a nervous gray, "Um, what are you doing up at this time of the night?" she whispered with a shaky laugh, hoping against hope that…

He gave her a smile. Goodness, she saw him really smile for the first time, and it wasn't what she liked to see. It resembled that of a predator ready to pounce on its suitable prey – namely her. "What do you think?" he grated out.

His temper reached its height when she shook her head innocently. "I have no idea."

_Kisama,_ why was he letting her rile him over an insignificant thing? He clutched her shoulders and announced in a deadly voice. "I couldn't sleep. And do you," he began slowly as she turned to look at him, "know why?"

And that was when she faced him levelly, her eyes staring straight into his. He then lost his thoughts – and his breath. She just looked a sight, with her eyes so determined and her brow raised up at him, glaring back. Her hair lay half-dried and astray around her face, almost tickling his face, and her cheeks were vividly red. He noted her fists as well. It was yet another side of Hilde Schbeiker he had never expected to discover before, and the strange thing was this warm feeling of interest and amusement within him. He frowned at the thought.

Hilde, meanwhile, paid no heed to his distractions for her attention was elsewhere. Darn it, she didn't expect _that_ to happen. And here she was, cornered in her own room by Heero himself! And he was so near… she couldn't think well. She knew he could just beat her to pieces after what she had done, but she had to let her thoughts out now.

"Look, Heero. I'm sorry."

His eyes then snapped back at her, as if disbelieving. She then closed her eyes as he asked rather amusedly, "Well really?"

She sighed. "It's just that – Okay, I'm wrong. Don't speak!" she added immediately, instinctively placing a finger on his lips, which promptly surprised him and thus shut him up. "It was really immature, and till now, I'm wondering why I did that." She nodded, releasing him. "It's just that, I felt really bad about what you said… It _did_ hurt, you know? Though you must know I've had so much insults before, this was the only time I really needed to be good at something, and I was trying so hard. When you said those words, well, it just registered in my mind that this mission could be a complete failure, and I just couldn't accept that."

His eyes looked at her thoughtfully, but he still hadn't released the hard hold on her wrist. After a few moments of silence, he answered slowly, "I didn't mean to sound like that—not that way."

She gave him a weary grin, "I know. But these days have been the worst in my life, and it just _felt_ that way. I just felt so pathetic, and I needed someone to blame for my foul mood, and you were the easy scapegoat for anger, though I fully know that you don't deserve even the least of such. You were trying to help, but I really couldn't stop my own misery. So I started this whole ruse of singing brokenly just to get you mad as well. And I'm sorry, I really am…"

She then relaxed and closed her eyes when she realized she was babbling. "Well, now that I've finished, um… You may hit me now, if you like. I know I would."

He just stared at her for one long minute, as if considering the possibility. She groaned, then he finally grunted and released her. He walked a step away from her, and she dared to take a look at him. But he was staring absently at the window. She then straightened herself. "Heero?"

"What made you think I would hit you?" He asked quietly.

She looked surprised, then shrugged, "Come on Heero, don't deny it. I know anger when I see it, no matter how petty the fight can be."

He gave a small grin without looking at her, "I would rather have shot you."

Hilde stiffened, then crossed her arms and grumbled, "Gee, thanks." But there was ease and relief in her tone.

Heero then took a deep breath and went past her then unlocked her door. Staring mutely, she could only watch as he opened the door to her room and turned to go out. "Heero?" she asked when she realized that he hadn't answered her apology.

He stopped and ran a hand through his hair. Then continued on his way. She then watched him as he walked down the hallway. Was he no longer angry? She frowned to herself. Men like Heero were so confusing, and they made it contagious to the people around them. That was when he finally stopped by the staircase and spoke.

"If you put it that way, I suppose I would have to apologize too," he said finally. She nearly fell from her position on the doorway just to hear him. But after realizing his words, she smiled and approached him. "Why?"

"For upsetting you." Was all he said.

"There's no such thing!" she immediately answered to this, but paused when she realized that explanations weren't going to get her anywhere. After all, it was also what she wanted to hear in the first place. "I guess that means we're going to have to forgive each other to get this matter settled," she mumbled, but was very much pleased.

At his hesitant nod, she nearly laughed. "Heero, we keep on doing this! Fighting and apologizing to each other, I mean."

He muttered something as he faced her, "That wouldn't happen if you weren't so stubborn and boisterous."

She then crossed her arms and lifted her chin at the same time, "Well, if you weren't such a grudge, we could get along famously well."

"—Wait, noisy? Me?" she quickly asked with great shock.

He only raised a brow at the 'Grudge' comment.

Then they realized what they were doing.

"Sorry." They both said at the same time. Heero snorted, as if disgusted by such a thing, but Hilde only flashed a brilliant smile. "That's all right."

As Heero turned away, he then added another preoccupied question, "What were you hoping to accomplish with all that singing anyway?" he asked, curiosity clearly in his voice.

"Aside from satisfaction?" she asked, noting the amused look that went over his face, "Hmm, let me see. Relaxation?"

He looked astounded. "You sing _that_ way to _relax_?"

She nodded smugly, "I do it all the time back home, with Duo, sometimes with the same purpose of getting him mad."

She prevented herself from smiling when he said faintly, "I pity him, then."

She then gave him a look. "Maybe you should learn to relax, Heero." At his incredulous look, she mumbled, "I don't sing _that_ badly all the time! What I'm saying is that you need relaxation just as much as I do. And maybe, while you're at teaching me how to pilot an MS, I could give you my take on relaxing as well. Besides, you need it, with the lack of sleep I just caused you. Which brings me to tomorrow, why don't you just have a day-off and rest—"

"We have no time for that," he snapped, though his face seemed satisfied by her apparent thoughtfulness. She finally gave in and smiled at him. "Very well… just get your sleep. Rest, Heero… Sleep tight." She yawned, only to find that he had already gone to his room.

She grinned at the turn of events. "Good night." Then walked back to her room.

And from the doorway to his room, Heero glanced back at the girl disappearing down the other side of the hall. The past years, he met her, the past month, she saw him again, and the past week, he had learned to live with her. The past day, he agreed to help her in her mission. Today, he was training her, was suddenly considerate of her feelings, and had been spouting apologies at her.

What was happening to him?

He didn't know, but he didn't want to accept that he was pleased by it just yet. In some way, he had many regrets, but he didn't want to take back the whole experience as it was.

"Goodnight," he told her as the door to her room shut. She didn't hear him, but that was the idea.

He was getting used to her.

And he didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

End of Chapter Five.


	7. Part 6: -You can...-

In The Arms of Destruction: Chapter 6 – Lesson Exchange

In The Arms of Destruction: Chapter 6 – Lesson Exchange

"Hit higher – don't get confused by the names!"

Hilde Schbeiker let out a determined sound as she kicked a violet ball labelled 'blue' with her right foot. Heero Yuy was _worse_ than her Instructor. Sweat started gathering at her temple, and she quickly used a hand to swat her darned bangs away. She sighed when she accepted the fact that she had to spike them again with gel so to train effectively – back to the good ol' days.

But Heero, as ever, was unrelenting, he let out another barrage of multi-colored rubber balls at her. It took an effort (and a _great_ deal of concentration) to hit the balls correctly. Heero had 'improvised' the rules as they went along every stage of the training.

It was three days later from their first session, and she had worked her way past the tests of each stage. The blue and red ball training, which was used to organize her use of her hands, was perfected by mid-afternoon the next day. That was when Heero used a new set for her kicks: violet and orange balls. That training took the whole late afternoon till ten in the evening before she mastered it. 

She then recalled how Heero was not only kind enough not to comment on her mistakes bluntly, but was also encouraging, in some way. Hilde realized that from where he came from, they were used to pointing out the mistakes, not the improvements, so it took time for him to get used to her sudden moodiness and need for confidence. 

The evenings passed by smoothly, thankfully without argument—probably because both of them were exhausted physically and mentally, not to mention verbally. Fortunately, her former voice seemed to be returning. It amused the heck out of Heero when he found her voice raspy the day after her singing escapade.

His training sessions even became more complicated when he started writing gold-colored labels on the balls (Hilde wondered how he got all those suddenly irritating materials without being reported by anyone). He wrote 'blue' on some of the red balls and did the same on the blue balls, later, he named some of the blue ones 'red' and the other red balls as well. When she asked about it, he simply told her that he didn't expect her to reach that level so quickly. But now that she had, it was about time to move to more difficult training. Hence, the labelled balls.

She still didn't know what that meant until he started throwing the balls at her. That was when she realized that the mind _could_ easily get confused, no matter how focused one seemed. She would hit the labelled balls incorrectly time after time, and Heero, true to his impatient nature, started rebuking her to no end. She got used to that already, and wasn't as much affected as before, thank goodness. But before she got used to the new stage, he already proceeded her to the next.

"Now, when you see red or blue balls without labels, hit them with your left or right hands respectively. If you see red balls labelled 'blue,' hit them still with your left hand, vice versa for the blue balls that are named 'red.' But if you see red balls with the word 'red' on it, use your right hand – the opposite hand, to hit it, and so the same goes for the blue ones." He had stated as he held a ball before her.

"But that's, well, darn confusing!" she had cried out in complaint, all the while knowing in the back of her mind that it was useless. 

He just turned his back on her, "You wanted to train, didn't you?"

She could almost swear that was the nearest he could get to taunting her. She just stared darkly at him and muttered in the hardest voice ever, trying to imitate his Japanese, " _Hai, hai Sensei._ All _heil_ the _Dummkopf Fuhrer_."

To which he stood up and walked before her. Before she realized what he was doing, he had tipped her chin and viewed her face sideward, as if enjoying the scowl that had settled on her face. "You don't need to praise me for being your idiot dictator, but your Japanese needs improvement," was all he said, and then gave her one of his rare but obviously mocking grins. It was then when she decided to call him Hitler behind his back. Heck, he surely acted the role with accuracy. She still did this despite knowing that he didn't deserve such a title. She just needed a release of emotions that time, and he probably wouldn't mind at all. He could have just laughed.

Wait, scratch that, Heero Yuy did not laugh, not unless it was at something he really found amusing. 

Namely her.

He _could_ laugh, she had groaned to herself.

And thus, this angry thought made her successfully pass the said level of training.

Yet, despite all the dark thoughts and the tiring sessions, she found that they were improving. Even Heero confirmed that: she was passing the levels at a rate that went beyond that of normal trainees. And the way she reacted to him, no matter how hostile, was actually something good. The man accepted her temper tantrums, and he actually survived them. She could rant about anything she wanted before him and he wouldn't complain. Sometimes he was even entertained. She could be so open about anything to him and he never, not once, made her feel worse or minded at all. 

That, she just understood, meant that she trusted him, and was learning to get along with him, and also meant that she was also enjoying his company. She found that she ended up smiling at him a lot whenever they weren't training or when he wasn't looking, and could easily comment on things she found odd about him without him getting upset.

She didn't really know if that was a good thing or not, but she had no regrets.

Only that she wished that balls were never created.

"Watch the orange balls!" he commanded roughly throwing her off her reverie. She barely managed to duck behind the said ball – at least it didn't hit her nose this time. "Pay attention, Hilde," he grated out steadily, and she gave him a smile just to annoy him more, then returned to her stance.

At present, she was taking a test that involved not only her hands but her feet as well, with the mix-labelled orange and violet balls to accompany her varied red and blue balls. It was one bloody heck of a complicated test and her nerves were being wrought out again. Heero was once more proving to be a willing anger subject, but she didn't let that reach her. In this sort of things, emotions weren't supposed to rule, they came second to your concentration, so she focused and nodded. "Bring it on."

~~~

Heero stared in smug approval as Hilde deflected the balls he was throwing accordingly. In three days, he had turned her from one mad, disoriented fighter to a sleek, focused and controlled one who could tell past differences and distractions.

He then heard her unconsciously yelp out angrily in German as a red ball zoomed past her. She still didn't lose the 'mad' part, apparently, but she was definitely a fast learner, he thought with interest. She tried to avoid expletives whenever she was around him, but sometimes it just couldn't be helped, in her case. But she placed her faith in him, no matter how vocally negative she was at times. He never expected to be in this kind of position, for the life of him, but it was different: a very refreshing change. The new experience surprised—no, _frustrated_ him a lot, but was something he was easily getting used to.

He grabbed another ball. Yes, she was so vocal, and in a strange sense, he was pleased. She freely talked to him about anything, like how at one point in any woman's life she would desperately hate menstruation, or how he secretive newspapers could be. Sometimes she flamed on about the injustices of the government or some organizations, and other times her wrath was on him. He heard her calling him many names, those which varied from 'pompous ass' to 'lipless fish' to the more common 'Hitler.'But then, she also directed her attentions on him in different ways, telling him about how she disliked his 'monosyllabic tongue' but it suited him somehow, or how she wondered why someone much more quiet than Duo could be good company. (He just raised a brow at that, but she didn't notice) She also told him that he would really catch girls if he could cook well, but that was probably just her wanting him to cook. 

There were many other things he, himself couldn't help but notice, like how she ran a hand through her hair whenever she was at loss of words, or how she raised her brow when sarcastic. She liked sleeping on her side, always hugging something – he learned _that_ when she fell asleep on the couch and used him as her subject, then started blushing to the tips of her toes when she awoke with him looking fiercely at her. When she blushed, which was rare, she _really_ blushed – it was an amusing picture, one that made him uncomfortable as it did to her. She also liked twisting things around her fingers, whether it was a hat or a handkerchief. Aside from that, she always unconsciously tapped her waist whenever she was surprised or scared, half-expecting a gun to always be there.

When he asked himself why the heck did he take to noticing those things, he just shrugged. Maybe it was because he had nothing else to do, and they were cooped up together in that house for the past couple of weeks. He was bound to get used to them anyway. But despite this, more and more shocks came every day. Like her temper, for instance.

She really had innocent looks, he couldn't discredit that, but her temper flared in volumes – something rather unexpected from a woman her size. She always had to keep it in check, and had difficulty at that too. He knew she hated being tricked or insulted, especially during these days. She was unknowingly using the attention given to her training to forget the real threat she was going to face soon, and because of this he admired her courage. For that reason also, he understood why she easily got mad whenever he goaded her during training. Anger _was_ her main force, often giving her more determination to concentrate more. Sometimes, though, it was rather entertaining, especially whenever she fell into her rough German-English slang. 

"Look, mon,' he once remembered her saying when he remarked on how 'faulty' her left foot was, "if you cinna stop I vould hafta hit ye. And by Deutschland, I vould enjoy it –so help me now and leave yer 'comments' fer later."

It really felt different having someone so aggravated because of you, then soon finding her apologizing for her early behavior. During these days, she so uninhibitedly spoke to him about how she felt at the spur of the moment. And just as easily, she would soon come to him with follow-ups about her earlier thoughts or apologies about some unconscious barbs. She wasn't like Duo, who purposely did things to irritate him just for the fun of it. Everything about her was purely how she felt; if she was mad, she really spurred fire, if she was guilty, very much so. She couldn't help herself, so she said. 

She was so honest, and he didn't know why that thought contented him so much. He narrowed his eyes as he tried to catch her unguarded with a ball behind her. She was not really related to him, and he had no obligations other than partnership with her – but the way she treated him, as if he wasn't an assassin or killer and just like a perfectly normal person was something he couldn't help but appreciate. Sometimes, she would just reach out and brush his hair out of her eyes, telling him that he looked better that way –all the while unaware that his surprise could have nearly gotten her flying towards the next wall. There was also that day when she dumped the laundry before his door and told him to wash and repair them as well. She couldn't go on being his 'housemaid' forever. She wondered out loud that sometimes, their situation reminded her of Duo.

Duo Maxwell. Sometimes his name was a forbidden phrase in their relationship. Whenever he was mentioned or remembered, Hilde's mood would immediately dampen, and she would always have to excuse herself to her room. Sometimes, he just caught her staring distantly at the garden in the window, commenting about how she remembered her home in L2. And Heero, for some unknown reason, felt disturbed whenever she was not herself. He preferred her screeching at him and calling him names rather than sulking or crying in the house. Heero once used his name to make her angry during one of their sessions, saying that he expected more from her, with her being Duo's significant other. At hearing his name, her face grew pale and grim, then with a quivering voice, she had said, "Heero, I never involved Relena or your personal life in our work, it would really be helpful if you did the same to me and keep him out of this." Then without a word, she stopped and walked out. 

It took a steady apology from him an hour later to get her to start working again. Though he had the advantage over her, he didn't like the bad sentiments his name caused on him as well, and the mood-dampening effect was multiplied whenever he saw Hilde in pain. He never repeated Duo's name again.

Luckily, things went back to normal after that. Hilde learned much from his moods, and avoided sensitive topics as well. There were never large confrontations like the one of the two nights ago. They were living harmoniously and were settling in slow but sure progress – something Heero had never experienced before. Hilde was also smiling more often than before, maybe because she knew she wasn't alone in her mission anymore. Sometimes, he wanted to smile, himself –from amusement, probably, or because of her concern. When they weren't arguing, she was constantly trying to please him whenever she could.

He nearly dropped a ball when that thought entered his mind. Goodness, the raucous brat was making him want to smile.

~~~

After working with the computers in the basement, Heero was surprised to find Hilde sprawled comfortably in the couch in the living room. At her feet were so many books, and she was currently engrossed in one. Her eyes were wide with excitement, and she sighed every now and then. Heero wondered about what she was reading. It certainly made her look sentimental. 

There was nothing important to be done that couldn't be foregone for the next day, so he had proclaimed the afternoon a break. After all, she was doing quite well, and dropping straight to sleep at night wasn't really good for her, so he rewarded her with the luxury. The smile and the hug she had unconsciously given him was more than surprising, and more than enough to convince him that his choice was all for the best.

Which meant that he himself had nothing to do. That was certainly not what he had expected. Thinking about any useful activity to pass time, he placed his laptop on the dining table and gave his companion one last check before working. 

Hilde had noticed him, though, and had already placed her book down. She motioned for him, "Come on, Heero. Give yourself a break. You've been attached to that machine the whole time when we weren't training. I'm wondering why you don't get migraines. And if you don't drag your feet here, well, I'll find some way."

He just snorted at that, but followed her warning and went to the living room. He didn't really take to being called 'Hitler' or the Grudge right now, and she seemed determined anyway. But he was still glaring at her when he stood before her.

She gave him a welcoming grin and motioned to the seat behind him. "Well? Sit!"

He looked confused for a moment, but she just winked at him. "Do you actually think I'm gonna let you off that easily? Come on, Heero – I plan to make you stay for a while." At his wary look, she glared at him, "I promise, I won't sing."

"_Aa_." He answered simply as he reluctantly sat on the recliner. Hilde just shook her head at him as she returned her feet to the ground. "You don't relax much, do you Heero?"

At his irritated look, she quickly crossed her hands before her, "No offense meant, Heero. You just really need to take it easy. Believe me, we all need it. I never really gave thought to it before, but it has helped me much." She then motioned to the books at her feet. "Do you read books?"

He stared at the pile impassively. "I read manuals, computer books and maps."

She sighed as she urged on, "No, I meant, well, literature… books for entertainment. Those with stories and opinions?"  
  


He just shook his head, and tried to stand up, but she quickly grabbed him and sat him back down again, much to his disgruntlement. "Heero, will you please listen for a while?" she pleaded as he took a deep breath to control himself.

"Fine," he began. "I don't read those books and I don't need to read them."

Hilde just gave him her lopsided grin, "Well, my exact words when my instructor suggested the same things was, 'I dinna vant to read, I don't read, I canna read because I don't need ta.' Sounds familiar?"

He just raised a brow at her. 

She bit her lip to keep herself from laughing. She then turned her attention back to the volume she was reading earlier. To this, his curiosity returned and he asked out of the blue, "Is that one of those?"

She squirmed, but lifted her feet to the couch so she could lean on her knees. "Well, not really. It's just a corny romance novel, but I've had it for so many years, by accident, if you would want to know. It's one of my firsts, actually. I guess the story really got me dreaming." She stared at the lime green cover, and he moved closer to get a glimpse of the title. "In the Arms of an Angel." He stated, then frowned, as if disturbed by his own words. "What kind of a title is that?"

She gave him an indignant look, one that made her sapphire eyes seem brighter than usual with defiance. She then sighed as she stared at the paperback. "Excuse me, but I like the title."

He mirrored her sigh impatiently, "Well, what is it all about?"

Hilde gave him a strange look, as if she was the one amused by him this time. "Are you sure you'd want to hear? Duo gagged when I told him."

Heero gave her an incredulous look, but he kept his attention and chose his words carefully, "If you enjoy it that much…"

She smiled impishly and moved the book between her fingers. "It's a romance story, that much I've said. It's about… this English girl, the heroine. She's running from her life and her past, more specifically her stepfather, one who wanted to destroy her for personal reasons." She took a deep breath, as if having a sudden insight, but just shook her head. "And when all seems helpless, a man comes out of the blue. It's like destiny, you know – he's the least person she expected to help her and she thinks he's impossible and barbaric. But he does, he gets her through the pain and heals her, even in the simplest ways, like a savior… an angel."

At his thoughtful gaze, she finished her tale, "And well, they worked together and fell in love, and I guess that was what made them win against the villain." Heero looked confused. "What?" she asked defensively, nearing laughter. He was probably thinking about how cheesy she was.

Heero raised his palm and she slowly handed him the book, unsure if that was what he wanted. She half-expected him to throw it away, but he just gazed at it as he slowly turned it to its side and skimmed over its pages. He was like a child discovering a new toy, and she watched him with fascination. Goodness, Heero could be so beautiful when he wasn't glaring or scowling at her. She was entranced by his intense blue eyes, and when all present thought came back to her, it was all she had to do to prevent herself from going red again, which she seemed to be doing much these days. But she shook her head and ignored the thought. She then glanced at the book in his hand and felt warmth within her… it was so precious to her. Somehow, it made her believe…

"Why do you like it?" he asked quietly as he traced the embossed letters on the cover. She took in a sharp breath, but found that she really could speak so freely with him, and that she wanted to tell him how she truly felt. Her eyes softened as she took hold of the book.

"I guess I felt so many connections with the girl," she answered simply as she looked at him, her eyes distant, yet so alert. "You know? How we like people or things where we find many similarities – there's a connection, a reason for us to like them. And I guess Callista, that's the name of the girl, made me hope…" She looked away, "It made me believe that whatever happens to me, no matter how deep in trouble I am, I would always have someone to rely on. My personal Angel, so to speak, and he would help me face my own demons." She smiled, and there was a sentimental glaze in her eyes.

She just looked so poignant there, glancing at the book as if it was the center of the universe. Heero regarded her as she smiled to herself, completely forgetting him. Hilde, she dared to dream… something he had given up a long time ago. The memory besieged him, accused him of abandoning his hopes, but he could only shake his head. It hurt too much to hope for something better in this war-spurned world. He had cried his dreams away so many nights ago, as a child. And then he became a murderer.

And as his eyes touched on the way she thought to herself and ran her fingers across the cover of the book, there was a sudden urge in him, a will to protect her vision, if not his. He had never met someone like her before, so tainted yet so innocent, in a way, and he didn't want that kind of person destroyed, not ever. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, he knew that this girl mattered to him in a special way.

Before he could stop himself, he asked out loud, "And… was Duo that angel for you?"

He immediately realized the consequences of his words when she froze, but was relieved when she released her breath and lay back on the couch. She then snorted, "Hardly."

"_Nani?_" he slipped, and when Hilde gave him a confused look, he only shook his head. Darn them, women were so confusing. She just shook the wits out of him with that one word. "I meant, well… _anou_, why?"

Hilde gave a small laugh, "Duo is hardly 'angel' material, more like the opposite – but he's got his own charm in spite of this. After all, he already proclaimed himself 'Shinigami.' What more could I say?" Heero recalled how the obnoxious man gave himself conceited aliases. But he understood the depth the lay underneath the cheerful façade. After all, he had worked with him during the colonial wars. He listened as she continued, a light look on her face, "But I like him that way – all of us are, well, angels in our own ways… I think. Sounds confusing? Wait, don't answer that." She smiled at his frustrated face, but noted the acceptance in his stance. 

He finally released his breath, and her smile grew wider. She then lifted a heavy volume. "So, Mr. Yuy, have you ever read the Bible?"

~~~

"This looks nice, but, erm, what is it?"

Heero just nodded at her and tapped the seat of the contraption Hilde was openly gaping at. "Does it look familiar?"

Hilde approached the machine and placed a hand on the leather seat. "Can I?" she asked hesitantly. And at his nod, she flung herself over the seat and viewed the various buttons in the makeshift dashboard before her. Her eyes widened in recognition, and her hands traced the accelerator beside her. The switches before her soon keyed in the answers in her memory. "This looks like an advanced model of the cockpit of a Taurus! And that's the last place I'd like to be in," she said without thought. "Wait, scratch that – this is much, much more," she remarked as she fingered the complicated pads and screens, "advanced."

Heero shrugged. "It's the model of a Gundam cockpit."

"What?" Immediately, Hilde choked. Without waiting for him to say more, she struggled to stumble out of the machine. Heero had to hold her to return her balance, but she took no notice. "H—Heero, I'm not ready yet. You told me that, yourself."

Heero said nothing as he gave her a small push in the direction of the machine. "If anything, you are very much ready. You are excelling in the ball test, and I've never heard anyone complain about it like you do everyday. You were even very creative in giving me your names." He ignored the urge to grin at the sudden redness in her ears. "This is your best opportunity, yet." 

She was still frozen to the spot when he placed his hand on her shoulder, and he realized how insecure she really was about the situation. He resignedly accepted that if he wanted to work effectively with her, he should refrain from being used to short talk. He was just beginning to understand the fact that women needed as much words as possible. But his honesty was what she needed right now. 

He faced her to him and saw that her eyes were shut tight. This promptly gained him the thought that she didn't really want to learn how to pilot a Gundam as much as he didn't want to teach her. But they were both forced to do so. The only feasible plan was to find every possible way to take the Gundams away from them. It was their enemy's main advantage.

"Hilde," he murmured to her, much gentler and nearer than he intended, "More than anyone, you can do it."

She nodded against his chest and shuddered. Without warning, he raised her face and told her to open her eyes and begin. "I understand," she whispered, and his heart skipped a beat at her closed eyes and deep voice. Heero found himself struggling with his self again when he placed a shaky hand to move her bangs away. She then took a deep breath and announced that she would try.

He nodded as he unintentionally released her with some roughness. She gasped at this and her eyes opened. He didn't flinch when she glared at him, but was surprised when her pout turned into a smile. "Thank you, Hitler." 

He snorted and walked away as she threw herself on the seat. He allowed her to familiarize herself with the layout of the cockpit design before he switched their functions on. It took him three nights of two-hour sleeps to finish the machine – as much as possible he wanted to see it put to good use. He didn't want to ride it himself, having memorized every detail of the Gundam and thus remembering every regret that came with it. When he turned around, she saw her handling the controls with candid curiosity, and the scene did nothing to comfort him. He was practically sending her off to the battlefield, and she was well aware of that.

He then approached her and stood beside the machine. He began as he tapped the accelerator, "This switch controls your movement and gives you speed, while the one on your right side is the one that controls your gears, much like that of an ordinary car." She nodded attentively and placed her chin on her hand as she listened. And he had faith in her. She would learn soon enough.

Nodding, he proceeded on to the hand controls. "These switches allow you to move the right hands, while the other side provides movement for the left hand…"

~~~

Heero frowned at Hilde's words. "What does that mean?"

They were sitting before the fireplace, resting after the day of work. Hilde was properly instructed on how to properly use the controls in the cockpit, and they would begin on her speed and apply her organization tests the next day. Now, the girl had taken it upon herself to 'teach him how to take it easy' in return for his invaluable help, something he didn't really need. But she had insisted, and he found himself interested in an excerpt she had read from the Bible, a book that, he was told, was the source of all Christian religions.

She looked up from the volume and supplied for him. "What? This one? 'Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you, for God will judge you in the same way you judge others, and he will apply to you the same rules you apply to others. 

Why, then, do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? How dare you say to your brother, "Please, let me take the speck in your eye," when you have a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.' Was that it?"

He nodded as he took a sip in his coffee. "Explain."

She closed the thick book in her hand, "Well, we all have our own personal interpretations. That's what makes this book so special. Anyway, it just says that we have no right to judge others so easily, for if we do, God will judge us in the same way."

"_Hai._ Your God, and then?"

She reached for her own coffee cup and faced the fire, "Well, it basically says that judging so easily is unfair and only God has the right to do that. Only God knows. Sometimes, those people who seemed to be the outcasts and the weak would turn out to be the kindest, strongest ones. Or maybe those who seem so good and mighty are those who are actually the criminals of society. We would never really know unless the prejudice in our society is stopped. We can discover so many things by not being biased."

Heero nodded as he listened to her voice, he knew just what that statement made. He willed himself to unwind and closed his eyes as he asked her to continue. She just smiled at this and went on. "And sometimes, we cannot simply ask other people to change or remove their habits because we, in our own ways, have those habits as well. A rich, corrupt official cannot accuse a young thief of stealing when he himself stole much from his people. I guess it's true when they say 'It takes one to know one.' You cannot condemn a woman for being jealous when you know the feeling of jealousy as well."

He frowned at her message, but bade her to go on. And she nodded off, "We are all alike, in so many ways, and if people would just stop hiding their ghosts and accept each other, then try to help, then there wouldn't be any unfair judgements, and this world would become a better, freer place. If only we truly had that compassion."

Heero opened his eyes, realizing the truth of her words. All his life, he tried to shield away from the pain other people might cause when they realized what he was and what he did for a living. It seems that no one understood him, and ever will. The only surprising case was with Relena, who dared to approach him in spite of the fact that he tried to kill her so many times. And Hilde, who didn't mind his moods even at the height of scandals involving his name.

"Was that why…" he began, but Hilde cut him off with a gentle shrug. "Heero, I didn't want to judge you. I had no right… so I took you in. I hoped that you weren't what the news told you to be, and I wasn't disappointed. You shouldn't be so wary about others, yourself. Not all people mean bad, Heero… you can try to trust some, and see the heaps of good that would come back to you in return. It's a wonderful experience."

He didn't reply, dumbfounded by her sudden words. She only winked at him and drew nearer, holding the Bible before him. "Maybe you should read it more. You'd be surprised by the many truths in it."

He stared mutely at the book, but took it from her to appease her. He watched the contented look on her face when he did so. He speculated on this and asked. "Do you believe in God?"

She seemed taken aback by his sudden question and there were several moments of awkwardness after that, but she soon spoke after sipping from her drink. "Well, there were times when I didn't want to believe. It's just so hard to put your everything in the hands of a divine, unseen being. My instructor was a Protestant, though, and Duo is a Catholic. I guess there were many influences, therefore giving me a semblance of faith." 

She took a deep breath and Heero slowly digested what she was saying. Of course, Duo had his priestly garbs, as well as the cross he used. But Heero never really knew what either meant, or gave consideration to a higher deity who knew everything. If that was so, then why were so many people miserable, why were there so many wars?

"I learned many things from that book. I was very shocked at the lessons at first. But in the end, they will benefit you more than others will. And, I guess God must be real – after all, He got me to escape from the Base, and He allowed me to meet Duo. 

"It was because of Him that I believed that there was a reason for everything... Even the war, or the death of some people. Maybe it's all part of a wonderful plan to bring out the best in each one of us… but that all depends on our own faith." She reasoned to him, a glimpse of a smile on her distracted face. 

It seemed that she was also explaining to herself rather than to him alone. "Duo was so religious, believe it or not, even though he's been through much. I guess his religion was his only strong link to the past, as well as the force that leads him to the future. As a result, well, I started praying as well. And I don't think that prayer will fail you Heero," she stated.

At his questioning look, she only smiled at him, "God doesn't forget anyone." _Even you,_ she seemed to say as she paused. "And I know He takes care of me, too. 

"After all, just when I thought everything was hopeless, He gave me you."

He was speechless, and was left openly staring at her. 

She blushed and excused herself. Then she started sputtering about how perfect Heero would be if only he didn't give killer tests. He could have easily shunned her away or given a snippy comment to oppose her words.

But God help him now, he almost smiled back.

~~~

Hilde boosted the accelerator at Heero's command. "Now!" 

Her concentration was on the picture provided by the helmet that Heero gave her to use. It showed a virtual environment, one that showed the scene of a typical battle in a Mobile Suit. In her eyes, she was sitting on a real cockpit and facing the vast extremeness of space. And out of the corner of her eye, she saw a Virgo approaching her.

"What should you do now?" She heard Heero's voice from beside her, and she nodded accordingly as she fingered the controls that mastered the hands. Switching a button, her Mecha lifted a machine cannon and she made a clean shot at the Virgo.

"Good," she heard Heero's comments, "But that won't save you in real battle. You should work faster. With the advantage of your former piloting skills and the organization training, you should be able to work effectively. Don't get distracted, know what controls are liable to your hands."

"But Heero," she answered as this time, two Virgos approached her. "We haven't even started training to get me used to the advanced controls." Her trauma-caused fear caused her to control the Mecha to move back in the screen.

That was when the two MS's sped in her direction. She tensed, then she heard Heero reply.

"That, Schbeiker, is the thrill of this training."

She yelped as she fiddled with the controls and hit one of the Virgos with the cannon. The blast barely missed it but was fatal enough to send it exploding. The other Virgo used its own missile launcher at her, and she had to quickly move sideward in order to dodge it. 

"Schbeiker, you can't limit yourself to using a cannon or a buster rifle!" she heard Heero advice impatiently. "You'll fail that way! You have two beam sabers; use them! And your brain for that matter—"

She yelled angrily at the insult and headed for the remaining Virgo, stealthily dodging its blasts. Using the controls, she inserted a fist of her robot into the other Mobile Suit and quickly flipped away, hence escaping the explosion. "I hate swords, by the vey," she snorted angrily. "But I'm pretty good vi' me limbs." She amended immediately.

"That may be advantage," he replied, his voice suddenly near her ear, "But that isn't enough."

She gasped when three mobile suits came flying in her direction. With a choke, she released the thermal sword. "I'll kill you later, Yuy!"

~~~

Heero watched her as she moaned on the couch. That seemed to be a habit. Every time, after her training, they would both recline in the living room and have some time for recreation, something she requested on the threat that she would sing if not granted. Surprisingly, he was beginning to enjoy it too; though that was one thing he would never admit to anyone, least of all her. He was starting to have interest in her books, namely the thick Bible and some other old forms of literature.

"I have a very bad headache." She groaned out as she placed an icepack on her head. The same gadget seemed to be their greatest necessity these days. He smirked at her; she was talking about the Virtual Simulation test he created, of course. She didn't really use much of her muscles today, but her concentration was stretched to its limits. She had a very hard time handling the thermal sword test, so he had to review her with the basics again. But all in all, she wasn't a bad student.

_Only a loud one,_ he followed as she started complaining about the experience. "I would deliberately wake up late tomorrow, Heero. Just see if I don't!" He almost wished she would speak with her native accent again. It made her look more… 

He sighed, suddenly uncomfortable. She would really get upset at his insults, and just as expected, her performance level increased at the first sign of her German tongue. Truly, her anger spurred her on, but the need to control it also distracted her. 

"I mean, why can't I just hit them like I do on foot?"

Heero sighed as he took hold of a slim booklet, it was hard to keep to himself when he was around her. She kept on asking him many things. "Because you would explode with your opponent if you do."

Silence. He was reading the book, while she was taking in what he had said.

She gave a sound of defeat. "I hate it when you're right."

He only nodded at her glare. "I'm always right, Schbeiker."

"Uh, huh, _hai_ – yeah right," she replied, which he promptly ignored.

Hilde kept on waiting for him to answer, but realized that he was engrossed in the book he was reading. Groggily lifting the icepack from her temple, she lifted herself to her elbows and asked him what it was that he was reading. She was so glad that Heero was opening himself to her ideas – Duo never did. And she was more pleased by the fact that Heero seemed genuinely interested (though she ignored the taunts in her mind that said that he was only following her because he didn't want her to sing again).

The other man approached her, and she nearly lost her breath when he leaned over her and gave the book he was reading, opened on exactly the same passage. She frowned, heck, he could drive a lifelong scholar to a distraction with his eyes. "What is it?"

His eyes darted over the lines, "Can you describe it?"

She sat up and nodded, then read the lines for herself. "'The Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran," she began. It was a nice selection. She cleared her throat and read in a soft voice,

'When Love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.  
And when his wings enfold you, yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.  
  


For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you, even as he is for your growth so is he for you pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to earth.  
  


Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself, he threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness.  
He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to the sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread, for God's sacred feast.

  
All these things shall love do to you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.  
  
But if in your fear, you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor. Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.  
  
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.  
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;  
For love is sufficient unto love.'"

Hilde sighed as she finished, and turned to see Heero's questioning eyes on her. "Long, isn't it?" she asked carefully.

He shrugged, a bit edgy, "Length doesn't matter if there is no sense."

Hilde nodded slowly at this, and placed her hands in her lap. She wasn't really sure if she wanted to talk about Love right now, with her love life in an unstable situation. But Heero looked so willing despite his inscrutable expression, as if he really needed to understand what the poet meant with his words. His eyes were staring indefinitely at the fire before them as he waited for her to begin. _Oh, Heero… what happened to you and Relena?_ She thought sadly.

"It speaks about the joys and pains of being in love," Hilde then began simply.

"Joys… and pains…" he slowly repeated after her. And she wordlessly went down from the sofa to sit beside him. 

"I guess, that's what Love is all about," she continued in a breathless voice as she stared at the fire. "So mysterious and confusing… but Love isn't –well, _meant_ to be understood. I guess, it is something we should live instead of understand."

His silence told her to go on, and deep down she knew that he was really listening. "Love is something we cannot control, we cannot chose who to love nor can we force them. Love chooses _us_, and while we're at it, I believe it's up to us whether we would take the risk of loving or not."

She closed her eyes and drew her knees up to herself, suddenly remembering how Duo had returned to help her escape from a highly secured cell in OZ. It took so many nights and dreams to decide whether she really had feelings for him or not. He was always so gentle with her, and always made her smile. She recalled how she blushed whenever he held her hand. 

When she turned to look at Heero, she found him staring at her, and blushed again without warning. She looked away – sometimes he unnerved her, especially whenever he seemed to smile. And the experience was very similar to that of—

She shook her head, then concentrated on her explanation. "Where was I?"

Heero released a deep breath, unimpressed by her lack of attention. "A choice, whether to take a 'risk.'"

She looked at him curiously, endeared by his willingness to listen and attempt to sound neutral. To her, the man seemed very insecure about the topic. She just shrugged then crossed her arms. "You see, Heero, loving can be so beautiful, so wonderful."

He seemed to be revolted by her words so she continued quickly, "But that doesn't mean that every relationship can be perfect."

His eyes snapped back to her and regarded her as if nothing else mattered, and she met his gaze squarely. "Loving, though it can give you fulfilment of the soul, can be so painful. It is not without risk. The more you love, the higher you go, and the longer you may fall. It is a giving of yourself – therefore you are vulnerable to pains and insecurities. Fights and tears are bound to happen, because loving…" she paused "is also hurting."

He looked confused. "Then why… why do people love, if it hurts so much?"

Hilde gave him a knowing smile and had grabbed his hand before she knew what she was doing, "That is the challenge of Love, Heero." She opened his fist into a palm, "It is to give and to receive. To feel pain but to heal, to make mistakes but to learn. It is to be young and vulnerable, but it also to grow… it makes you weak, yet it makes you strong. It gives you failures but is the most successful thing of all. I guess, it is a paradox," she stopped at his frustrated look. 

She ignored her fears and formed a link in both of their hands, feeling a force within tell her to do so. Heero needed this just as much as she did. "Heero, Love is full of pain, full of hurts… sometimes it gives more tears than joy. But if you live past through all of those, if you learn to cherish the happiness that Love gives, then you will be the greatest man ever. It will give you the greatest fulfilment. You will be whole.

"_That _is the perfection of Love. To go on feeling despite your fears of loving and the risks that come with it… to give yourself to that special someone and to accept her for who she is. It is to have her accept you as well, and to know what is right and wrong in spite of this." She vaguely remembered Duo and the memory of the tragedy of her parents as she continued, staring openly at his beautifully piercing eyes. 

_They were both safely a distance away from the OZ holding, having vaguely escaped the guards who followed them. Thanks to him, she was free. She jumped off the jeep and nodded slowly, afraid to look at his violet eyes. "Thank you, Maxwell."_

_ _

_She then tried to run off, trying to ignore the fact that she had nothing left to support herself. 'I'll find a way,' she promised as she continued to run. Just so she could start anew again, without any complications. She nearly cursed when she felt the tears falling down her cheeks, but went on without stopping._

_ _

_Yet his hand had grabbed hers, and before she knew it, she was pushed towards his chest. She could feel her heart beating wildly and could almost swear she was blushing. No, not with this stranger who made her feel so much. "I—I, Duo…"_

_ _

_He looked down at her, all mirth gone from his eyes, replaced by an intense emotion; "You don't have to leave, Hilde."_

_ _

_"I…You don't understand. It's not safe. Please, let me go…" she let out weakly, but had already broken down and started crying while he embraced her._

"It is when you go on loving even though challenges and obstacles may come your way, even though your pain can threaten to destroy you. It is to offer your tears to that someone, and to still keep on trying though you want to give up. You must go through each other's foul moods and imperfections, and love each other just the same. And if your love survives all those hurts and challenges, if you still feel the depth of your bond in spite of everything, then you have achieved real Love. The Love that is hard-worked, that went through everything together, and that experienced pain. It is to go through that whole journey."

_ _

_He seemed disturbed in his sleep, and there was a frown on his face as she watched him. It was when he grabbed onto something beside him that she realized why it was so._

_ _

_'He still thinks I'm beside him.'_

Her eyes were watering when she finished. "It says that Love has pains, but is also Joy. And when you've grown with that and accepted that fact, then you have loved."_ _

_ _

__Hilde alertly became embarrassed by what she had done, and so she only watched him, and he didn't reply. Her suddenly fervent speech had come out of nowhere, but she supported every thing she'd said, and seemingly, it was exactly what Heero needed to hear. Hilde didn't regret a thing, whatever his reaction would be shouldn't matter – yet deep inside, she knew – she just believed that Heero understood. Taking a deep breath, she neared him.

He sat there, staring quietly as she knelt before him and released his fingers one by one from her grasp. But before she could let him go, he grabbed her hand again. "And what if you are afraid?"

She only looked up at him, infinitely glad that he had listened to her. She now viewed him with affection, as if looking at a vulnerable child, then finally whispered. "Heero, if you are only willing to experience the joys of love, without all the pain, then that is not love at all – you wouldn't experience it's greatest gift… It is better for you not to love at all." He was shocked when she placed a hand on his cheek, but didn't make any move to stop her. He only closed his eyes as he felt the touch, not having the strength to resist. 

She sighed, and all her emotions… her memories, the overwhelming need to show Heero and the sadness she felt for him, caught up with her. Her eyes began welling up fully in tears. "But for me, it is better to have experienced Love, even in the smallest measure, and have failed…" she announced in a shaky voice, "than not to experience Love at all."

And he opened her eyes and watched her. There they were, on the floor, with her kneeling before him and with him holding one of her hands desperately. Her other hand was placed ever so gently on his cheek, and the warmth that radiated there almost made him feel whole. 

The fire flickered quietly, casting a glow on her face and a silver glitter in her eyes. Even the night seemed to listen to them.

He almost swore he had never seen anything more beautiful than her that night when her tear fell and she whispered to him, "You can still love, Heero Yuy."

~~~

The four men stood before the base's factory, staring through the glass windows and observing the progress of the creation of the new Mobile Suits. Improvised models of the other suits such as Virgos, Libras, Taurus's lay before them, being coated with additional protective alloy. 

"How much longer will these take, Lady Une?" Quatre inquired as he varied the suits. It was very impressive how they had finished these suits in under a month, but their reliability would still be tested by the former Gundam pilots themselves. Quatre had no doubts about them, though. If anything, the Preventers ensured the best quality of machinery. They even recruited five core scientists to help recreate new Gundanium models.

Lady Une merely nodded. "These MS's will be ready for testing in two days. But the special models designed specifically for the likes of you pilots will take at least a week more before they could be ready for use."

Duo whistled as he stared at the suits below them. "You mean you have better designed suits than _these_ killer babies?" he asked, his American slang getting the best of his diction because of his awe. Wufei rolled his eyes at this.

Une gave a small shake of the head, and Sally just smiled from beside her, "Apparently, yes." She straightened herself and waved when Zechs appeared from behind the men. "Follow us."

They all filed behind her accordingly as they passed a highly secured plank to another large room, which turned out to be the observation deck. Une drew a curtain open and allowed them into an elevator, while Sally remained in the deck.

What they all saw when they stepped into the elevator literally stopped them in their tracks.

What stood them were four majestic mechas, taller than even the Gundams of before, but slightly slimmer. They all stood in their respective glories, with the scientists strictly supervising their creation. They were also coded in their own colors, strangely resplendent—_and_ similar to the original models. The air around these Mobile Suits seemed impressive: cautious but secure, simple but complicated, innocent but fatal.

It was Zechs who first spoke, "Une, what are they?"

A screen flickered on the wall, and Sally's voice resounded across the room as the virtual models of the mechas were shown before them. 

"These are Mobile Suits made especially of Gundanium, hence they are also called Gundams. We've labelled this project GII, Gundam II, for they are also improved models and their control systems are different from that of before."

The screen showed the style of the cockpit of the Gundams. It looked very different this time, since the control room was larger than before. There was a large circular platform behind the system.

"The master controllers of the Gundams can vary between two types – the manual control and the physioneuro-control systems. The manual control is what you have been used to, those which required switches and various dashboard functions. I don't have to elaborate, I know that you all understand the aspects of this type of direction. 

The picture focused on the circular platform. "The physioneuro-control, or PN system is a new development which allows freer and faster movements. When a pilot takes control of the platform, nerve sensors take record of his every movement and imitates such for the Gundam. Therefore, no matter what you do, however you move, will all be imitated by the Gundam."

"You mean…" Duo began with wonderment as he placed a hand on his head with slight frustration.

Sally nodded in the screen, "It's piloting, without the obstruction of so many complicated buttons and switches. It's like fighting your opponents yourself, having the Gundam follow your every move. This makes it so much easier for you, especially if you have been trained physically in combat." She noticed how Duo fidgeted and said, "Even your mere habits will be imitated by the system. In a way, it's just like enlarging yourself to do the battle."

Quatre, who seemed to be the only one with no rigorous physical training in his past, asked, "But are the manual and PN control systems equally effective?" he saw the advantages to this new type of movement management, especially for Trowa and Wufei. 

Sally nodded, then showed them the anatomy of the systems. "The PN control will give you freer motions and allows you more speed – after all, your body and your mind will be the masters of your battles, but that doesn't mean that the manual control will be less effective. There is one disadvantage, however." She finished as she switched the screen back to the Gundam models.

Trowa immediately noticed, "There would be less protection."

"What?" Wufei yelled, as if astounded because they allowed such a flaw.

Sally sighed, "Yes, because whatever happens to the Gundam will also be transmitted to you. If it happens to be slashed across the chest, you will feel that same pain. After all, your brain will be attached to the system, and the outputs will also spread to you. But if you are really organized _physically_, this won't be much of a problem. If you can dodge kicks and bullets easily by yourself, this should be no problem for you."

The others nodded, somewhat stunned by the wealth of information suddenly supplied to them. And Sally, ever as somber, went on. "This is actually an advantage, for the awareness of pain will allow you to be more alert about your environment accordingly. This condition will not apply to manual control. It is highly risky to use the PN control, but with mastery and training, you won't have any problems."

Sally typed in the computer and then proceeded to showing them the final appearances of the Gundams. "For this same reason, the form and structure of the Mechas have been modified to conform to human dimensions. This explains why the Gundams have different builds this time."

The first model shown to them was one that was colored white and silver, then highlighted by deep red. "This is the _Plethora_, the first model. It is designed after Wing Zero, if you would take note of its standard armaments. The shoulder guards hide the buster rifles, and the machine cannons and beam sabers are in their original positions. 

"It is named so because it is the only system made of the excess Gundanium alloy used in the creation of _all_ your Gundams. This makes its armoring ability vary in different places, since your former Gundams have diverse armoring strengths. But rest assured, the locations are very strategic, and we have paid special attention to this."

Lady Une continued after her. "This was meant to be used by Heero Yuy, if ever he comes back." Her comment caused sudden silence among the men.

At this indication, Sally went on. "This is _Phoebus_, yes, after the Moon of War, Mars." The dark shaded Gundam was presented to them, "It was modelled after Deathscythe Hell. This will be your system, Duo. It is still complete with the hyper-jammers and other unique functions. We figured you would all be more comfortable in machine environments similar to those of your former mechas."

At Duo's jubilation, the others gave their own sighs of relief. It was no hidden fact that they wanted their new systems have some easy semblance to their first Gundams. 

"This is _Reliance_," Sally announced as a blue robot appeared in the screen, "Similar to Gundam _Heavy Arms_, it is designed for the use of artillery and is equipped accordingly. Truth be told, its slim structure allows more space for different armaments. You will be able to work to your highest performance level here, with the added bonus of easier movement. You would have no difficulty using this, Trowa."

"Quatre, your system is called _Myriad_. We paid special consideration to the creation of this Gundam. In fact, this system has a personal links to all the new Gundams, via the PN system. You can contact them all with your mental calling, Quatre. Aside from this, your heat shorter and shield flash pairs have been upgraded. You'll be surprised by the other new functions added to this system, but they are up for you to discover."

Quatre had to step back when he heard about his Gundam, and when he turned to his left, the Gundam being created before them turned out to be his. _Surprised?_ They had given him an exceptional communication system for his mecha, yet it he would only have access to it through the new PN system, something he immediately decided not to use. Unlike the others, he had never really trained in physical combat, with his heart's tendency to weaken at the most surprising moments. Given, he had ability in fencing. But the risks were too much.

When he went back to listening, he saw Lady Une's eyes on him, and they were gentle. They held faith in him, and he felt better when she smiled, a message vivid in her eyes. _More than anyone, you are very capable of leading your fellow pilots. We trust you with this system, Quatre Winner._

"Finally, Zechs, your system is called _Osairi,_ named after the highly specialized beam saber equipped with it. We have taken note of your impressive swordsmanship and adaptation skills. This is an entirely new Mobile Suit, quite different from those that you have used before, though there are some… subtle similarities. In spite of this all, we believe that you will be able to carry this Mobile Suit effectively."

Sally then turned to Wufei, "Your Gundam is still being modified. We are busy adjusting its dimensions and adding the PN system. You've seen it before. But it will be ready for you to view and try in a few days."

And with that, she nodded to them all and switched the screen off, then followed after them in the elevator. When she reached the bottom, she gave the bewildered pilots a brilliant smile, "So, Gentlemen, would you like to see them now?"

~~~

Her face was scrunched as she bit on the end of the pencil she was holding. Deep in thought, she remained quiet for a few seconds before her face brightened. "Okay, Heero. This," she began, pointing at an illustration, "is a pair of the Buster Rifles. It is one of the most destructive weapons of Wing Zero. It uses extreme heat, and used together, it is very fatal. It can burst through at least two kilometres of metal. I can activate it by switching the second function button. By using gear five, I can easily maneuver it to hit my opponent."

Heero nodded, satisfied with her explanation. "Go on."

Hilde took a deep breath and gave a brief smile, pleased with herself. She then pointed at the next picture. "These are the machine cannons. I can use them by freeing them from the shoulder blocks, function button three. They are very effective for distance firing, and I've had experience with them from my former encounters with Mobile Suits. This model is much more effective, however, because it fires through a longer distance."

At this, Heero said nothing – which obviously meant 'continue' in his so-called vocabulary. She gave a smile at this. It was nice to think that she was also beginning to understand him. He really was a good friend, and she only hoped that he would also learn to trust her one day. 

He showed her the next diagram, and she immediately recognized it. "This," she went on, shooting him a glance as she traced the picture with her finger. He seemed concentrated, and much too focused on their activity. He wasn't like that before – now, it was as if he was purposely avoiding her. She worried that maybe it had something to do with their experience two nights before. 

_But that just can't be_, she thought. After the incident, he had been very warm with her, and had taken the book with him, willing to finish it. He didn't seem upset… in fact, it seemed like a bond had formed between them, somewhat like a deeper connection.

She frowned. But the next day, he was very different. It wasn't that he had grown colder or stricter, he was just… distant. As if purposely avoiding conversations with her. He still joined her during evenings in the living room, though. But despite this, he rarely talked, often engrossing himself in her books. It was, as if he was somewhat – cautious, no… wary, like he feared her. Not in a negative way, though: that she was sure of, for if he was really cautious against her, then he could have done something about it already. But no, there were no increased insults, nor were there any accusations against her.

_Had I been too forward or invading that night?_ She thought to herself, suddenly conscious. She never really meant to intimidate him or suddenly intrude on his feelings. She just acted on impulse, feeling that he really needed to hear what she said. And if Heero had felt uncomfortable, surely he would have ordered her to stop in her speech.

_Then why?_

He cleared his throat, and she found him in the process of giving her another glare. She grinned sheepishly, he could be thinking she was having a hard time identifying the drawing. She rolled her eyes, _well duh. _"This, as I was saying," she flinched at his sigh, "is the beam saber. It is found in the shoulder armor as well. The location is well placed, because it is very easy to draw the sword out in combat. Most Gundams have their respective beam swords… ranging at a variety. Others have knives, while others use," she gulped and closed her eyes, not noticing Heero's disturbed ones "well, scythes… Some use them in a double-bladed feature, at the opposite ends of the holder. They are all effective in close attacks and destruction of spacecrafts."

Without waiting for his indication, she went on, "It can be triggered by function button one." Then she asked for the other illustrations, and continued with the other familiar armaments without stopping. Heero raised a brow at her sudden discomfort. Was it the mention of Duo's scythe?

He frowned then shook his head. Her problems weren't his concern. He had decided not to involve himself too much with her. She caused too much confusion and distraction to his thoughts. 

Her voice went on, "The first thing I should do when I enter _any_ cockpit, especially that of this mecha, is to check for the Zero System and to turn it off by deactivating the green switch. Then I should cut the wire system that links to the pilot's environment. It should be found behind the cockpit, at the memory database. But we doubt the presence of the Zero system because it would be hard to duplicate it now…"

He observed her straight gaze, and a voice within him accused him of being a traitor, somehow. But as usual, the thought was ignored. He handed her the next drawing.

But he had to acknowledge the fact that he wasn't pleased with the arrangement. He sighed at that admission – where did that come from? What did he care, anyway? Their mission was his first priority, and she was becoming much too disturbing, and he, overly accommodating.

But his eyes softened when he realized how she was really trying hard. In fact, she was doing so much better with their virtual simulation training. She didn't complain as much either, and her performance was becoming more and more remarkable. She destroyed enemies at a quick rate, and easily learned from her mistakes. She was no longer mediocre; he could affirm that. A little more training and focus and she would make an excellent pilot.

He scowled when he realized that he almost felt proud.

~~~

"Have you assigned pilots to them yet?"

A man beside the leader nodded and lifted a folder from the envelope he was holding. And Quasar waited with anticipation as their leader read the reports compiled about the suitability of their members. It was not everyday that _he_ went down from his office at the _Base_, and they were all eager to please him.

They were all in the observation deck of their covert manufacturing building, and the Star himself had approved of the status of the clones. Their own scientists had done what they could to make the Gundams more effective than before, using advanced control systems. Their plans were finally reaching its fulfilment.

They all straightened when their leader nodded over the suggested pilots and began to announce his decision. He shut the folder and turned to them, his piercing ice blue eyes filled with anticipation and amusement. He ran a hand through his blonde hair and began. 

"Sandrock Upgrade will be piloted by Number Twenty-One, Nova." He stated clearly, in a voice that was so deep and soothingly luxurious. It could have been that of a ballad singer or that of a man who spoke sonnets and read poetry to entrance women. It was a characteristic that opposed his nature.

There was a hum of agreement as he gave his choices. "Heavy Arms Kai Upgrade will be piloted by one of my second-in-commands –Number Five, Gemini." And Quasar nodded at this. It was no wonder Gemini would enter the circle, with his impressive 'stealth' skills. For the moment, the said man was not present, having the case of a high-priority person given to him. Quasar wondered what could be so special about a simple girl that their Leader would go to such heights just to retrieve her to the base. For all he knew, she was someone who had a confusing name. _Heidi,_ he heard the Leader call her once. But other than that, he had no idea about her.

By now, the Leader had viewed the folder again, and was regarding the names with scrutiny. Quasar straightened at this, he believed that Wing Zero Upgrade would be given to him, of course. He was the one who knew most about Mobile Suits in the Base's officials – and the assignment of supervising their creation hadn't been given to him without a reason. There was no one else more capable than him.

Their Leader sighed, brushing of his pale golden hair to his side. And with that, he gave them all a small grin, one that spoke in volumes. "Quasar, Number Seventeen, will take control of Deathscythe Upgrade."

_What?_

His hands dropped to his sides as he gave the Leader a confused look. Even the others were shocked by his statement – only Deathscythe Upgrade? He could do with so much more than just that! Though he had to admit, the mecha had the ability to challenge that of Wing Zero, he still preferred the more dominant one to it.

But before he could even raise the question, their Leader closed his eyes and crossed his arms, his smile growing even wider. "I know what you're thinking, Seventeen. But piloting Wing Zero Upgrade is more complicated than you think. It has the Zero system, something I believe you can't handle – but that is not to say that I'm degrading your skills." He amended as he walked forward.

"You have been impressive so far, but there is one person in the history of the base who has physical skills to match that of Wing Zero, as well as the satisfactory speed. She is an easy pawn, and has the capable built, essentially perfect for the role. Given enough training, she can prove very effective and fatal, thus leading us to victory. No one else deserves it but her."

Quasar's brows raised in frustration. "But who, Sir?"

The Leader didn't answer, but gave the folder to his assistant and turned to walk out of the room. "We'll find her soon enough." And before he disappeared, he commanded the man, "List Number Twenty-Six for the role."

~~~

Heero stopped before the building upon seeing its name, St. Luke Church. It was a bright Sunday morning, and the rains of yesterday had left the streets aglow. He had decided to buy some essential materials then. But before he could leave, Hilde had announced that she was high-time she went to Mass. She had failed in that activity due to her work, and she really needed it now. He had just shrugged at her proclamation, and had easily rejected her offer for him to join her. She noted that he didn't really look obvious with a cap to hide his unruly hair.

'I have more important things to do,' he had answered shortly in reply, to which she just rolled her eyes and muttered 'Kill Joy,' something he had decided to disregard. 

But now he was there… and he was done with his purchasing. Hilde was probably inside. Maybe he could wait for her, though he didn't know why he really had to do that.

_For her safety,_ he reasoned out. But whichever, he decided to remove the cap and step in. That was when he confessed that he was curious about the ritual many people went through every Sunday. One of the real reasons he had stepped in was his need to see, to just get a glimpse of the preoccupations of normal people.

There were many people, and some of them were left standing, so he settled on doing just the same, positioning himself near the doors if ever he felt the need to go out. That was when he heard the Priest speak.

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you. If anyone hits you on one cheek, let him hit the other one too; if someone takes your coat, let him have your shirt as well. Give to everyone who asks you for something, and when someone takes what is yours, do not ask for it back. Do for others just what you want them to do for you.

"If you love only the people who love you, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners do that! And if you lend only to those from whom you hope to get it back, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount! 

"No! Love your enemies and do good to them; lend and expect nothing back. You will then have a great reward, and you will be sons of the Most High God. For He is good to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful just as your Father is merciful."

Heero leaned on the wall behind him, suddenly disturbed by what he heard.

"Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ," he heard them say as they all sat down. And he closed his eyes, but the message still rang clear in his head, seemingly unreasonable at first sight but deep and could almost be true. His eyes scanned past the crowd and saw her sitting in one of the pews; then the thought resounded.

'Love Thy Enemy.'

End of Chapter 6


	8. Part 7, Section One: -You fear her, you ...

In The Arms of Destruction: Chapter Seven – Never Let Me Go

In The Arms of Destruction: Chapter Seven – Never Let Me Go  
Section One

"Heero?"

Heero Yuy looked up from the place he had been waiting from, leaning on one of the columns before the entrance of the church. Hilde stood above the steps, her hand in her pockets and her mouth wide open, as if not wanting to believe that he was actually standing below her. He gave her a disgruntled look.

Hilde Schbeiker then immediately placed a hand on her lips, then realizing that maybe she had spoken Heero's name _a little_ too loudly. But when she looked around, no one seemed to notice – after all, Heero's name didn't really sound like one. Maybe they all misinterpreted her outburst for a simple 'hero,' and for that, she was relieved.

But when she looked back at her friend, she noted the impatient look on his face and quickly fled down the steps to join him. She was still surprised to find Heero here, in the church, of all places, after having rejected her so redundantly this morning. She was smiling when she finally reached him, and he didn't like it too much. "What made you change your mind?" she asked teasingly, if not a bit too curiously.

He only shrugged as he began walking, making her have to catch up. He just answered in a steady voice, "I passed by; I decided to look. Besides, you're here, and you forgot to give me my key. So much better than settling for the lock pick, _ne_?" he asked with a bit of sarcasm, which Hilde didn't take to heart.

"So," she added as she tried to look him in the eye. But he kept his gaze straight ahead, and this made her ask even faster, "How was it?"

It was either he was in a bad mood or just didn't want to talk about it since he just shrugged and increased his pace. Hilde sighed as she was left behind by a few steps. So what was ticking him off right now? Was it something she said? The topic seemed to make him uncomfortable. Yes, she thought somewhat wearily as she stared at his back, maybe that was it.

He then stopped and abruptly turned to look at her. This took her by shock, and she quickly wondered if she had done something to irritate him again. "Well?" he asked, slightly scowling. She looked confused, "Well what?"

He grunted as he lowered his eyes, "Hurry up."

"Oh."

At Heero's even more aggravated look, she ran to catch up with him, half expecting him to finally speak. But at his continued silence, she just sighed and gave up. At least he'd waited for her. 

Suddenly, the thought made her want to smile. That was very thoughtful, she assured in her mind. He could have just left after the mass, or maybe just ignored her and went off back home. But instead, he had patiently waited for her, and was even considerate enough not to leave her behind. She gave a bright smile and tucked a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. In any case, there was still something to smile about. She then turned to look at Heero.

He wasn't looking at her, but was much _too_ focused on where they were going. His eyes seemed the opposite though, as if he was debating about something in his mind, or was troubled by something. Hilde sighed, she wished he would tell her about his needs, then maybe she could help. After all, he'd given her more help than she could repay at the moment. 

For a time, maybe they had reached that moment of mutual respect, trust and openness, but it had quickly gone in the morning. Heero was distancing himself again, she realized… and she still hadn't found an explanation for that. _Why?_ She asked herself once more. She despised situations like those, for they confused her a lot, and their relationship would always seem suspended, as if not improving, at the same time not getting worse. Strangely, it was awkward seeing Heero keep to himself, and it was more uncomfortable since she felt that she couldn't reach him anymore. She just wanted to see him better, to have him to talk to her, even insult her, just like before. At least she was used to those, and they didn't prevent her from talking honestly to him or telling him how she felt. It was as if they were going nowhere. 

She wondered why she felt that way, then turned to her side to watch her surroundings, willing herself to be distracted. But the sun-tinged leaves and wealthy flowers did nothing to comfort her. She sighed. Oh, but darn it, whether he liked it or not, Heero meant something to her, and their exchanges with each other kept her going. She enjoyed his company so much and she cared for him, with what that they had been through. He was different and special, someone who accepted her for who she was. She couldn't stand his unreasonable mood swings any longer.

It hurt. And it hurt more than it should.

_Auch, ye'r getting sensitive! _She reprimanded herself, then realizing that the way she spoke in her head indicated something: she was getting out of control. In other words, terribly emotional. She unconsciously stomped her foot on the pavement, thus almost losing her balance. The lamp pole was a few meters away, and she had to grab on to…

Heero, who was already having difficulty slowing down to keep pace with her irregular walking speed, had noticed when the girl beside him lost her footing. Acting impulsively, he quickly positioned himself to catch her in time. The light burden in his arms did nothing to comfort him from his mind's confusions though, and he wondered about the reason for the fall.

He remembered the stomping of her foot and quickly drew the generalization that she was sulking again, which promptly caused him to smile with affectionate amusement. This thankfully went unseen by Hilde, and he asked softly, "Are you alright?"

She only nodded as she tried to regain her balance and stood on her own. He saw her blushing again as she brushed her skirt, as if she actually fell. She kept her face hidden from him… something he found endearing—_no_. He shook his head brusquely. Not again. He didn't want to bother with how he was feeling these days, most of all when they were related to her and her presence. She was becoming a frustrating distraction, and her words never left his head. He wasn't pleased with that fact. "What is wrong with you?" he asked gruffly, his voice sharper than he'd originally intended.

And instantly, her posture stiffened and she looked away, suddenly irate. Not wanting to even _begin_ thinking about what her problem was, he just shrugged and started to walk off. Darn the moment, she was taking on his mind again, inevitably bothering his control. He was becoming much too affected. It was something he did not need – something he did _not_ even want to need.

Hilde just gave him a heated look as he left her behind. He quickly transformed from being so gentle to such a grudge… Her mind was getting frantic and impatient, almost desperate as she wondered about his unusual behavior all over again. She didn't deserve this from him.

She then dug her hands into her pockets angrily, but her thoughts were stopped when she felt fresh bills in them. Yes, the extra money she received from her last paycheck. She had only withdrawn them early this morning, almost forgetting that she had them at all. But she had more than enough money for her needs now, with Heero hacking their way out of their bills as of present. She looked above and promised to find every way to pay for them once she had the chance to do so. But for now…

She then glanced at his retreating figure and smiled. She wouldn't let him off that easily. He had no right to make her feel that way, or to cut her off so suddenly, leaving her with guilt. She was going to find out what was bothering him, with or without his consent.

_Uh, oh, no you don't, Mr. Yuy._

And she was going to enjoy doing so.

~~~

_Nani?_

Heero almost cursed as he nearly jumped with shock because of unfamiliarity when Hilde had grabbed on to his arm and practically dragged him across the street.

He glared at her, even more irritated because she caught him by surprise, "What are you doing?" he yelled incredulously, immediately feeling the impact of the warmth of her hand on his shoulder. His temper with himself flared. _Dame,_ stop it.

She just winked at him, ignoring his obvious anger, "You and I, Mr. Yuy, are going to buy our groceries."

He was so surprised by the statement that she had no difficulty getting him to walk with her for a few seconds. That was when he frowned; before he could ask her to release him, or even demand an explanation for her unusual decision, she began.

"Look, Heero, I'm _not_ going to get our needs all the time, you're going to have to learn to get them for us some other time. Okay?" she asked crisply, in a voice that clearly stated that there was no way for him to get out of the situation, much similar to the mockery in her tone the night she one-upped him with her singing session. 

He almost growled out, "Let me go."

She looked at him, passion and determination fierce in her glittering blue eyes. He noticed a speck of despair and urging within them, almost pleading him not to ask any more questions. Aside from that was the extreme stubbornness that refused to back down on him. For a moment, her eyes actually softened, as she whispered, "Never."

He was left without word, until she gave him a radiant smile of victory that almost took his mind off the present. "I need you. You're coming with me."

~~~

Tirrill, L4 was really a quaint, attractive place once you got to know it. Heero never really took time to notice the wonderful sights and the beauty of the plain simplicity of the town they were currently staying at. It was the model of a perfectly normal, growing community, with its brick houses and amiable inhabitants. It seemed so easy to fit in, and somehow, this day seemed to just prove that. He had been through the most exasperating experience, ever.

He wondered at how Hilde got them into a shopping store from the simple plan of buying the groceries, which turned out to be just a can of a potato chips called Tringles, a bundle of celery and two apples, which she claimed to be her favorite. And from there, she had brought him to wait outside as she went to different stores, saying that it had been 'forever' since she last went out with leisure, and he was going to have to come with her, regardless of his consent. 

Soon, he found himself in possession of a new set of clothes, something that he stubbornly rejected receiving, but had helplessly ended up accepting due to her scrutiny and threats to buy him more. She just _knew_ how to get what she wanted from him, and because of this he felt disgruntled even more. Aside from that, he also became her reference, because every time she went to take a look at something, she would always go out to him and ask him about his opinion, whether it be a rug for the table or a set of gardening tools. 

He then became aware that he suddenly became an important part of every decision. He had unconsciously asked about that out loud, which Hilde heard unfortunately. But she just gave him a knowing grin and answered, "Of course, Heero: you should have a part in every decision – after all, both of us will benefit from this, and it is _our_ home we're talking about. Aside from that, you have very good judgement despite your grudge appearance, and _that_, I trust."

Maybe it was that phrase, -- their home – that caused him to follow her every request and honestly give his opinions.

Some shopkeepers had noticed them and had even prepared their merchandise for them. Shoppers were surprisingly scarce during this Sunday, and the keepers were basically frantic for buyers. Hilde had her shopping galore then, with other sellers offering her discounts after the other to consider their merchandise.

She had taken all of the events in stride. In fact, she seemed to work a certain kind of charm on everybody that caused them all to smile whenever she approached them. She seemed to know what she was doing, and had never left him on his own, thus preventing his escape. But he found himself, at one point, enjoying their excursion, especially whenever she inquired about every choice to him, or whenever she found his comments genuinely helpful, particularly when it came to computers and some machinery. 

He remembered that one awkward moment that still left its impact and disturbance on his mind. It had shocked the wits out of him, and left him in a steady state of troubled stupor.

He had been standing outside a drug store, and Hilde was inside buying rolls of bandages. She had just claimed that they might need them a lot in the future, to which he just shrugged as a reply.Still quite irritated that she pulled him into the chore, he just stood silently, alternating between being irate, amazed, or simply grateful. 

He then noticed her appearance past the glass of the shop window and noticed how she smiled politely at the man in the counter. He just sighed and looked away. But he heard her slight laugh, and soon irately found himself feebly observing her with the same fascination all over again. She thought about her choices in the purchase and raised a brow unconsciously as she did so, a habit he was beginning to learn, himself. 

She was such a contradiction, he faintly thought to himself as he watched her. She could be so innocent, yet so dangerous. She had the looks of a giddy, tomboyish schoolgirl, but had skills roughened in the streets and mastered for survival. She looked so kind and pretty, but had a temper to match his. She could whistle about something and act nonchalant in front of danger, but was dead serious when it came to the people she cared about.

There were many queer things about her, and he found her so different from others, with what she dared and worked to fulfil. She could be so reckless, yet so accurate that at times, her behavior confused him. She was the only one who perplexed and disturbed the life out of him. 

But most of all, she was the only one who dared to smile at him in spite of his glares, to stand up to him when she wanted to, and to touch him whenever she felt the need to. And the strangest, most unbelievable thing was that she had done them all without fear. She sang off-key songs in the bathroom, read sleazy novels and called him all the most creative names. But even with that, she impressed him: she could put people down with her physical dexterity in seconds, and could fire armaments pretty well. She had determination that stood strong through challenges, something definitely worth admiring.

There were so many things about her. And aside from all those, she _made_ him want to smile. He hated her presence for that. She had that ridiculous hold on him, and she still had no idea about it. Sometimes, she made him feel so weak, and still pleased in spite of the fact.

She said she needed him, and that he was a sign of God's love and existence.

She told him that he could still love.

He then snorted as he looked around, trying to lighten his warring emotions. She also dragged him to shop with her. Despite this, a vague smile appeared on his face.

He found nothing wrong with her, not even a negative attitude. There was a sharp feeling within him when he realized that he didn't want this girl to change. It was such a strong emotion, one that made him feel that extreme desire to protect her from everything that dared hurt her, to take her in his arms whenever she was worried or cried, and to simply forget and keep her there, indefinitely. Hilde made him want to make her happy. He almost trusted her.

And that was what scared, and hurt him the most.

_Never._

She gave the man an apologetic grin for having difficulty in choosing the products and having him get them all for her, and the said smile obviously caused the same clerk to pay _much_ more attention to her. Heero could only watch as he felt all the confusion in him evaporate into a sudden white hot feeling of… something. He glanced at his 'friend,' who seemed oblivious to the other man's attention, and infinitely felt smug.

Suddenly, someone tapped his shoulder, and Heero turned his head, annoyed as he saw a man standing behind him. The plump person seemed intimidated by his look, but only pushed his glasses up his nose and continued with an offering smile, "Sir, will your wife be visiting my store?"

The packages Heero was holding fell to the floor. 

_Nani?_

"_Wife?_" he has asked out loud, his eyes widening measurably as he did so, then realizing fully well _who_ the man was referring to. The blow of his words attacked his senses, and he found himself swallowing hard and unable to speak.

The man looked confused, "Well, I was referring the young lady whom you are with, back in there. I assumed, since you were together, and we've all been seeing you for the past couple of hours… is she not your wife?"

His heart constricted in his throat as he digested their assumptions. Looking past the man's right shoulder, he saw many customer-needy shop owners looking at him and the other man. They all thought… he was_ married_ to _her_?

He was tempted to laugh bitterly at the man's foolish mistake. But instead, his insides trembled, held tightly by that simple phrase of misconception. The image was a fool's dream, to see him happily married, and doing shopping, of all things. They had both created an illusion, one that everyone fell for. 

Why was he so affected?

He found himself wishing that at least some part of that vision, even in the smallest amount, would be true. To live life normally and let go of his past ghosts and sins, to have someone care and accept him and to watch her, knowing that she belonged to him as well. It was something he dared not hope for – an intuition he did not urge to reflect on. To dream, to hope for something more was a curse, something he had long stopped trying. How many times had he failed? 

The rotund retailer regarded the stoic lad before him as he gave a harsh chuckle and shook his head. He seemed troubled but was ironically laughing. There was a disturbed passion in his eyes as he finally faced him and said softly, in a voice that dared intimidate criminals themselves, "You are mistaken."

He was laughing… laughing at himself, Heero realized. How much more? How many more times would he fall?

And the earlier words repeated themselves to him. _Never. Never again._

Yet at the intensity of his words, another frail thought brushed by, leaving an unnerving effect. _Never,_ she had also said. I'll never let you go. _I need you._

_You can still love, Heero Yuy._

"Hey, Heero. I see you've been making friends?" he heard her speaking through the frigid battles in his mind. 

He slowly turned around and faced her as she walked nearer, a new set of purchased items in her arms. She went rosy at the slight exertion, and when she noticed how he glanced at her bags, she gave an indignant huff and settled them on her shoulder more comfortably.

When she noticed how he didn't reply, she directed her gaze to the shopkeeper, "_Auch_, not quite friendly, I see," she remarked, and he immediately noticed the native brogue in her voice, causing him to more than willingly scatter his previous thoughts. She was feeling very awry, as indicated by her voice. Why?

He saw her watching him earnestly, her gestures asking him what was wrong. He was causing her to worry again, and he only shrugged her concern away – and soon regretted it when he saw the slight frown on her face.

"Pardon me, miss," the nosy shopkeeper interrupted, giving her a replica of his earlier smile to Heero. "It was my fault. I assumed a wrong thing and was asking him if you could visit my store."

Hilde gave him a gentle grin which indicated the positive response that he was hoping for, but soon curved her brow in confusion, "Yes, but what did you assume?"

Heero could have strangled the man had he known that he would not let it go, "That you were both married."

Hilde froze, and promptly dropped the package she was holding as he had earlier done. And Heero drew a sharp breath as she slowly looked at him.

It seemed like an eternity when her tentative dark blue eyes probed his face, staring but seeing something else. Her soft gaze held him still, and he returned her look. He saw the color go out of her face and witnessed the short sequence of sadness and confusion in it that went off as quickly as it came. There was a tender look in her eyes as she breathed deeply and watched him.

For a second, the world did not matter, and it was only the two of them looking into each other's eyes, unsure of the thoughts brought to them by that simple mistake. Some were hoping, while other dreams were dying, and most expectations quickly disappeared. But she still held his gaze in spite of the resigned disappointment in her. Heero almost swore at the intensity of their uncalled for, sudden connection. 

She was the Dreamer, and he was not an angel; he was Destruction.

But still she didn't look away.

And he almost wished that the moment wouldn't end, her eyes nearly caused him to forget, and her face almost caused him to start wishing, to begin to hope again…

The man's clearing of his throat lanced between them like a sword through a thin ribbon. In a moment, everything had disappeared, and they were both sent crashing to reality. She saw her look away tentatively, another unexpected blush rising to her cheeks. 

_Yamero._

"Would you like to visit my shop now?" the shopkeeper asked hesitantly.

~~~

Minutes later, he found himself seated alone in an outdoor restaurant. He had steadily refused to go with her to the salesman's shop, and she had been hesitant in leaving him, but seemed even more disturbed by the idea of breaking her promise to the shopkeeper – and staying alone with him.

_She was scared too, wasn't she?_

And he only shook his head as he moved his seat nearer to the table and under the shade. He didn't want anyone to recognize him just now, when they weren't prepared to take on the world yet. And if ever that would happen, their plans would crumble, and their lives… _her_ life would be at risk.

He sighed as he stared at the bags she left on their table for him to watch and glanced at the money she left for him should he want to order food. Then he grumbled, if _that_ should ever happen, he wouldn't fail to remind her that it was her fault. 

He didn't like what took place between the two of them earlier. It was so risky, so frightening – something he had promised never to do again. But she hadn't let go, had she? She was slowly making things much too complicated with her attitudes. She was making him weak.

He didn't want the feelings that were beginning to plague his thoughts. He had no liking to the invasion of his own personal feelings and priorities. Had he expected such a thing to happen after all that he had been through? Never. She was destroying him.

But, _shimatta_, he didn't want her to stop—or leave. He didn't want to hurt her, not with the ways she was affecting him. And it was getting harder and harder to accept that fact.

"Young man, do you have any excess change, or some coins?"

He was startled by the sudden voice that jolted him off his thoughts. His senses always seemed to turn themselves off whenever he thought about her and their current situation. Before him stood an old woman, her back bent and her fingers gnarled. But there was a brilliant sense of grace around her. Despite the ancient appearance of her built, her voice was clear and strong, and her eyes were a sharp and vivid. She had a gentle, contagious smile and the air around her was filled with experience. Heero shook his head over his initial reaction and nodded mutely at the mysterious beggar as handed her all of the money Hilde left for him to use for his meal.

She gave a good shake of the head when she saw him giving her the donation, but didn't pay much attention to the amount, for she was looking at him with careful observation, as if studying him. Hero became decidedly uncomfortable, overwhelmed by the intensity of her gaze. He had never had anyone who was that much interested in him. If it weren't for the welcoming expression on her face, he would have left the place immediately, forget waiting for Hilde and just look for her and drag her home from the meddlesome shopkeeper's store.

But he froze when the woman lay a firm hand on his shoulder and sat beside him. He gave her a cautious look as she drew nearer, but didn't believe he could tell her to leave, what with her telling eyes and mystifying demeanor. He just didn't want to face her directly. But just as he was about to turn away she suddenly asked, a mischievous quality in her voice, "You really care for her, don't you boy?"

He was surprised by the sudden question. "What?"

She gave a knowing grin, "The dark-haired young lady you were with. It was pretty clear, even to eyes as weak as my own. You kept on watching over her, and she was so careful not to leave you."

He was shocked, and then bristled as he grated out steadily, "That, ma'am, I am sorry to say, is none of your business—"

"Oh, so you're frightened of caring for somebody like her?" she asked suddenly, her voice amused but her eyes sharper. She then shook her head, "Aren't we all?"

When Heero didn't reply, she continued with a small chuckle and looked off at a distance. "You young people… always pretending to be so strong. That is the main difference between our generations. We experienced ones also claim to be strong so many times, yet we accept the fact that we are also weak and not perfect; you haven't."

She gave him a slight look, then took his chin in her wrinkled hand and glanced at his stormy eyes, ignoring his disturbed look. She then gave another smile as she mused, "You don't have to be scared, lad. I've seen her eyes too; they reflect the same way yours does. She cares – so much more than she is willing to admit and accept. Exactly like you."

She tenderly released him as his eyes grew wider, then shook her head. "So many forces… so many obstacles. I've seen it all. Mayhap it be another person? Or an unresolved past relationship? Or perhaps it is the future you fear most of all?"

Heero shook his head then stared off, unable to bear the lady's accuracy any longer. It was making him realize more things than he knew, or ever intended to know. And as a result, the turbulence within him increased. "I do not know what you are talking about," he began, but stumbled in his words.

Duo – for the first time, he felt envy when he heard his former comrade's name, for he possessed the normalcy Heero had always wanted to have, as well as the ability to carry it through. Duo was the only person he knew to smile whenever everyone felt like the world had frozen over. He was the only one who could be so reassuring that it hurt to watch him.

And most of all, he had someone. Not just someone, he had ---- _Yamero._

Relena Darlian Peacecraft. The person who had possessed his heart completely, and had made it so hard for him to hold on to his missions and concepts. She was the one who first made it possible for him to feel any emotion other than hate. But because of his own foolishness, she was gone, had given up on him. All because of his unwillingness, his fear to try…

Why didn't she wait for him?

And the phrase tore at his soul as his former ache returned with full force. He had been trying, had buried his own regrets with his distractions. But the wound was there, and the pain was still prominent. And yet, had he really loved her, and had she loved him?

_Loving is also hurting._

He remembered Relena's voice, _Heero, you weren't there…you were already gone._ And instantly, he felt the same feeling of remorse, of shattering pain all over again. But before he could dwell on his suffering, he recalled another voice, saying a message that was more prominent and full of meaning, whispering to him, _Challenge… love, Heero. To feel pain but to heal, to make mistakes but to learn… To grow._

Black Star. An organization that threatened their world today, that forced to remove the peace and return the cursed circumstances they all feared… the wars and the hurt they could cause. It was strongly linked to Hilde's past, and she was going to face them. Their sign was permanent on her back, scarred for some unknown reason. He knew how influential and destructive they could be, for memories of Hilde's connection with them, which caused her to cry in her sleep at night proved that. It could destroy her, and him as well.

A future… and what did it hold?

He did not know. He didn't want to know.

Because he feared. By goodness, he feared again – so much. And he didn't want to anymore; he didn't want to hide from the pain. And yet it left him so vulnerable. Like the boy of so many years ago, he was defenseless. So…

Weak.

And everything all came down to her name.

Hilde…

"You fear," the old woman's voice concluded his thoughts, and he found himself listening solemnly to her. "You fear many things, but most of all, you fear her. You fear _for_ her."

Her forest green eyes glittered as she continued. "Yet you care, you care so much that it hurts. And as a result, you hurt her too." At his sharp intake of breath, she went on without pausing. "But don't fear, young man. Because the more you fear, the more you will destroy everything, just like before."

And he couldn't speak, not sure whether to be outraged or overwhelmed by her precision. Heero lowered his gaze, as if hurt, but she went on. "You have nothing to be afraid of, not with her by your side. You can face your fears and hurts together, and win over it all."

She placed a palm on his cheek and lifted him to look at her, "Lad, you wouldn't find a girl like her so easily, as you find diamonds on the street. She is rare, and you will regret giving pain to her. She accepts you, and she understands. Don't throw what you have away."

But before Heero could think about what she meant, or ask about how she knew all about what she said, she sat up abruptly and turned away, swiftly walking out of sight. Heero quickly tried to follow, but he felt someone else watching him. 

"Heero?" 

He turned and saw Hilde standing almost behind him and was shocked by her sudden appearance, but more so with the effect she had on him. She had an eyebrow slanted thoughtfully, her eyes wondering, with her chin tipped lightly in gentle inquisition. On her arms was a large package that seemed to take an effort to hold. Her cheeks were again flushed over the exertion, and her hair was in mild disarray. He almost cursed; confounded, blaming the old woman that had disappeared. Now wasn't the time to feel, or to think of useless things, most of all the woman before him. He sighed turned away, wanting to leave.

Hilde looked at him curiously. She had a lot of time to think as she went to the earlier man's shop. She had been left shaken by the event earlier, and had decided to stay away from him for the moment. She remembered simply staring at the man's merchandise wordlessly for a few minutes, still contemplating about what happened.

What _was_ that? It was so… diverse, so thrilling, so wonderful and earth defying. Their sudden connection was so beautiful, poignant, yet brilliant, it almost made her feel so differently whole. To feel his rarely gentle eyes on hers, to actually love seeing him, to hold his soul just as strongly as he had hers… to hope…

It was impossible. Not with anyone, most especially Heero Yuy.

The enigmatic, resilient, perfect, Heero Yuy… the cold, unshakeable soldier who cared for no one, who could kill so easily…

_You are so alone, he had said. More than anyone, you could do it. I believe you._

… The one who had decided to help save her from her own past without any price except her cooperation, who patiently taught her what she needed to know, and the who listened to anything she had to say. He withstood all her ranting with amusement, patched her up during their trainings, paid attention to her needs and adjusted to her moods. He never hit her despite all their arguments and her imperfections. 

He made her want to smile that sometimes she could almost feel him smile back. He encouraged her despite her lack of skill, he protected her, helped her and held her… he was there, when she needed someone the most.

And most of all, he accepted her for who she really was and what she had been through.__

Only then did she realize how important he was in her life, and how much she really depended on his presence. It was a painful and shocking revelation, to comprehend how much she was vulnerable without him now, or how much she really owed him, all of which where he never asked for anything in return. 

Heero… he cared, and she cared… even more, much more…

_Duo._

She had gasped out loud. Even the shopkeeper was surprised by her sudden outburst, but had turned to attend to another customer. She could only ponder on the confusing turn of her thoughts…

That was when she spotted _it _underneath the glass cover, it was magnificent.

Suddenly, all recollections flew away, and she knew she had to get it. A gift for Heero…

And here she was, standing before him, very nervous. She hadn't forgotten about the incident earlier, but was just as excited about what she was going to do. She was willing to let go of all worries, most of all because they were exactly what she _didn't_ need right now. But all anxiety returned when he looked away from her, as if appalled by her sudden appearance. She frowned, was he upset because of…

"You didn't eat." She announced slowly, nervously. 

He seemed to catch the hesitant note in her voice, and stood stiffer, more cautious. Hilde wondered at this, but decided that she wouldn't let him simply act that way with her. After all, he hadn't been the only one affected about what happened earlier. But if he could at least _try_ to act cordial…

She sighed, this was Heero—he was never cordial; the thought strangely made her want to smile. Suddenly feeling encouraged, she dug into her coat pocket and handed a box to him. "Here."

He acted so surprised, she almost lost hope, but then he slowly turned his eyes to the box she was holding out to him. Looking suspiciously at her, he took the box quietly and stared at it. "What is it?" he asked, his voice surprisingly steady, not angry but soft.

She smiled, "It's for you, _dummkopf_."

He ignored her gentle teasing and opened the container with sudden ease. She watched with eager, yet content anticipation as his eyes narrowed to see what it held. And inside, encased in soft paper, was a silver chain. His eyes widened as he drew it out slowly and revealed the pendant.

It was a pendant of a wing, perfected in its every curve, every feather boldly spread out in majestic flourish. It was only the half of a pair of wings, but the proud way it was opened gave the figure a different meaning, an air of prominent and beautiful authority. Like the wing of an avenging angel, it was small and seemed sharp-edged, but the way it was crafted and oriented made it easy to notice, and the impression around it exuded a grace that definitely demanded attention. He closed his fist around it and felt the edges… they didn't hurt him at all.

He slowly opened his hand and glanced at the necklace, then back at the girl before him. His throat was dry when he asked out, "Why?"

She glanced at the necklace, then back at him, her voice had a wistful quality when she answered him, "When I saw it, it immediately reminded me of you."

She then started to sound embarrassed and began stuttering, but her frantic mind gave no notice. "And you've been so… considerate in helping me and all… I didn't hesitate. I just wanted to give it to you, I guess as a sign of my gratitude."

Heero looked at the necklace and felt strangely pleased when he let the pendant drop to view the necklace at its full length. She bought it… for him. She could have bought something more useful as a symbol of her gratitude, but he knew he would still prefer it… It meant that she didn't fear… Yet, it was a wing—

"What made you think of me?" he asked lightly, regarding the pendant.

She blushed immediately, and he couldn't hold on to his frustration any longer. He waited patiently for her to answer, immediately freed of all anger. She then took hold of the hanging pendant before him.

"I'm not sure," she tried to explain, stammering while blushing even more unnaturally. "It just… made me think of you... with Wing Zero, your majestic Gundam and how you pilot it as its master. I… it reminded me of you so badly. And, well, since you had always been there to help me, I didn't hesitate at all. Just like…"

She blushed, embarrassed and feeling shameful at the weakness at the same time.

He was torn between being ashamed and fiercely proud.

"I… have no use for trinkets." He announced breathlessly.

"But you'll wear it," she challenged back her voice just as soft. Her eyes shone brilliantly in defiance and her mouth had a slight smile.

And they both stared at each other.

~~~

He kept it in his pocket.

He could throw the necklace away, to have it gone from his hands forever. It was a sign of the weakness that they were both experiencing those very moments. He still didn't accept the fact that Hilde's mere presence was beginning to affect him in ways he never imagined before. He wasn't open to the thought that he was becoming strangely emotional, and therefore vulnerable just almost a few months after his broken tie-in with Relena Darlian. He didn't expect her to grow on him so quickly, much more than others. He didn't anticipate that he would start… caring. It appalled him, just like her offering did.

He placed a hand into his pocket and fingered the necklace. But he didn't expect anyone like Hilde to care for him also, to take him in, respect him, and treat him in an especially normal way. She gave it to him, as a gift, a sign that she remembered him. He knew he couldn't throw it away after realizing that truth. It didn't matter what such an inclination meant, but he had already made up his mind. 

He sighed as he typed on his laptop to search for recent news that would be helpful to them. It was rare for anyone to give him something, much less as a gift. 

They both left shortly after she gave the necklace, with her saying that she was too tired to eat. She had just grabbed an apple and helped carrying the packages as they began walking. Things seemed to resume their normal air after the gift, and there was no insecurity when they walked back. She just couldn't stop talking about all that she did that day and what she would do with what she bought. He also felt the same ease, answering every now and then, though skilfully dodging questions about the beggar who told him so much.

Heero sighed as he activated a file. These days were exerting much pressure on them. There were many times where they had felt strong bonds with each other, all which ended up in awkward situations. They went well as good house companions, yet sometimes they were too comfortable—which would lead to someone distancing from the other, namely him from her. And then all would return to the neutral state, which was what he would define 'now.' Comrades in a mission, or probably even friends: that was what they were. 

He heard her light laughter from the porch. And it tickled his senses when he realized that he hadn't heard her laugh like that in quite a long time. The sound was simply entrancing, so filled with mirth. Then he suddenly realized that maybe what bothered him was that he never laughed like that before. 

He heard another voice piping in at her chuckles, then finally comprehended that she was not alone – and they were disturbing him. Shrugging, he stood up from his workstation (which was currently the laptop on their dining table) and headed to the foyer. And when he started hearing the strums of a guitar, he lengthened his steps. 

When he took a small look at the doorway, he saw a child with ruffled brown-red hair, a pipsqueak that seemed no more than seven years old. He was sitting on the other side of the porch steps, listening animatedly as Hilde sat before him, strumming experimentally on a guitar. She was fixing the cords and announcing proudly that she once knew how to play it. And Heero simply couldn't leave at the interesting scene; he smirked from his position when he heard her brag.

"Well, play!" the child ventured more, curious.

"Yes, yes Nicky... Hmm," She plucked on all of the strings one at a time, finally contented with the way they sounded. "You said you owned this guitar?" she asked as she tried to play a short tune.

Nicky, whom Heero had no idea where came from, nodded arrogantly. "Yeah. Sort of – Dad owns it, and I'm gonna play for my girlfriend. We do that here, we call it se—seren—"

"Serenade," Hilde gently completed for him. "The people here seem to have some Spanish influence on their background. Judging from the style of the buildings… then the names of the shops, then the customs," she said to herself. Then she gave a teasing smile to Nicky, "You have a girlfriend?"

He seemed insulted, but smiled at Hilde's wink. "Yes, she's thirteen years old and she lives two blocks away from here."

Hilde just shook her head at the possibility of a seven year-old boy courting a thirteen year old girl two blocks away from his house, or how his parents could even allow such a thing. Grinning amusedly to herself, she straightened up and asked him, "So, what do you want to hear?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Heero could only flinch as Hilde almost fell over from her spot on the porch, much too surprised and bewildered. The little kid was aggressive, and Heero could almost laugh over Hilde's predicament. But still curious about her said 'guitar skills,' he only allowed himself a little smile as she grabbed on to the railings for support and tried to sit in a balanced position again. Sighing to herself, she asked again, trying to avoid blushing, "I meant what song do you want to hear?"

The child brightened, "Oh, that."

Hilde just looked up and repeated with relief, "Oh that, indeed." The young one was going to grow up to be a playboy, she decided. "Well?" she inquired, but the boy seemed to be lost in thought, his eyes lids over his crystal clear blue eyes. Oh, well.

She strummed a few cords and hummed to herself quietly as she allowed the child to think, "I'll be your crying shoulder…" she began in a voice that for once, didn't _seem_ out of tune.

"I know!" the boy interrupted, to which Heero frowned. "Play my dad's song to my mom! Yes, the one they sing every time they have their anniversary. It's called Have You Ever Love…"

"A Woman?" Hilde asked again, raising an eyebrow, but melted at the sight of Nicky jumping up and down because she had it right. Their neighbor certainly had an energetic boy. "Okay," she affirmed as she began playing the guitar.

She was good, Heero commended as he saw her use the instrument and create a nice tune. He had never heard the song before, probably because it was a classic, and he never really paid attention to music. But he saw skill in the way she patted the guitar to draw a drumbeat and affixed her concentration on her task. Yet the boy interrupted again. "Sing!"

Which, as expected, caused her to blush and stop her music. "What?" she choked out in queasy voice, causing Heero to uncharacteristically smile wider. 

"Sing," the boy repeated, tugging at the sleeve of the girl's blouse. "You can't play the guitar without knowing how to sing."

She shook her head and gave a small, nervous laugh, "Believe me, Nicky, you wouldn't want to hear me, uh, sing."

Heero promptly gave a small cough to prevent himself from reacting with a laugh, which Hilde noticed and the boy heard. When he raised his eyes, he saw Hilde glaring at him and the boy looking at him with wide eyes. "Heero!" she scolded, blushing even more.

"Cool, he's the guy on TV!"

To which Hilde froze. But Heero only gave an uninterested grin, "Yes, and you better keep it a secret." Nicky nodded lively with wide eyes.

Hilde soon nodded and realized his plan, "See Nicky, you have a TV star living next door," and Heero was the one who choked at that. "But you have to keep it a secret, or else Mister TV Star and I would have to move far, far from here, then you'd have no TV star to introduce to your friends in the end too, would you like that to happen?"

The boy immediately shook his head, still turning excited eyes to Heero, who was busy glaring back at Hilde, though her words seemed to work perfectly well. She just gave a wink to the boy and said in a hushed voice, "So, we'll keep this a secret, okay? Really, if you tell anyone, we'd have to leave."

"I don't want that," Nicky replied earnestly, "I still have to hear you sing."

Hilde nearly fell down on the porch the second time that day, but Heero, luckily, was there to grab her hand. Unfortunately, he had that mocking grin on his face, which Hilde absolutely disliked. But she answered, just to appease the boy, "Yeah, you still have to, erm, hear me sing for you. Just as long as you would keep this _big_ secret between the three of us."

He nodded eagerly, "Promise, cross my heart!"

Hilde nodded, satisfied, and gave a small laugh. But when Nicky turned his attention on the guitar again, she quickly stood. "Um waitaminute!" she announced quickly, "I forgot something!"

She immediately left the guitar and ran past the door, where Heero was watching her with arrogant laziness in his eyes. She just snorted as she passed him then hissed, "You stay here. I _won't_ sing in front of the kid, and heck, if you don't help me, I promise you I'd start singing for _you._"

Heero, knowing fully well what that meant, couldn't answer as she dashed away. Then he looked at the doorway to the living room, where his work lay, and the kitchen, where Hilde sought solace, and back to the porch, where Nicky was watching him with anticipation.

_Heck_, the girl got him into one of these inescapable situations again. First, shopping, now, babysitting. He snorted as he glared into her direction, but realized that the rare embarrassment he saw from her was worth it. The girl could never sing a straight tune. 

When he looked back at Nicky, the boy was giving him a mischievous look, "So, _you're_ her boyfriend!" he stated triumphantly, pointing a finger at him.

It was a good thing he wasn't on the steps of the porch, or he would have fallen just like Hilde had earlier. _Why_ was everyone throwing _them_ at each other? From salespeople to beggars, and now even children? He almost yelled an angry word. Were they really like that? They hardly even looked like they owned each other. It was like the day was meant for just that. 

He could almost feel the anxiety that came every time someone thought Hilde and him just that. But before the same insecurity and anger came, the boy reached out for something in his bag behind him. "Here," he mumbled, "I have something for you."

Heero looked on, almost impassive as the boy produced a yellow chrysanthemum. "I was going to give it to my girlfriend," Heero sighed as the boy began, what _was_ he doing wasting his time with a little boy, of all people? But he listened as Nicky continued. "Then to Miss Hilde, but since she's yours already," Heero flinched at that, "let's just have this for you."

Heero's eyes widened. "_What?_" This boy was giving a flower to _him_? 

The boy sighed impatiently, as if Heero was the one who should know what it meant. "We're gonna see if she loves you, or if she loves you not."

This time, Heero was more than confused, "_Nani?_" he asked again to himself. But the boy just nodded and dragged Heero to sit beside him. Then slowly, he started plucking the petals one by one, "She loves you, she loves you not. She loves you…"

"What is this all about?" Heero almost growled out, but the child took no notice as he gave Heero a cheerful smile. "This is your flower, if the last petal says she loves you, then she does, if it doesn't, well, that means 'she loves you not.'"

Then the boy continued on his small activity, which left Heero just watching him. People had the strangest customs… how could a flower tell whether a person loved another person or not? Anyway, if it ended up in the negative, one could always pluck another flower and try his or her luck – and love wasn't simply that, was it? People, especially women and children, are so confusing. Love was even more complicated.

But he found himself anticipating the result of the game just as much as the boy did. But the chrysanthemum had so many petals that it took more than three minutes to reach the end. The boy looked on eagerly as he plucked on the last three petals.

"She loves you not, she loves you, she loves you not!" he finished, proud to accomplish such a task. Then he looked at the empty flower, then back at Heero. "I guess that means she doesn't love you. Can I have her?"

Heero only stared at the bare flower and shrugged apathetically. Well, even the simple flower proved that – there was nothing to it. Nothing at all. He had been building his own thoughts and emotions all over again, only to find that there would be nothing. It was hopeless… worthless to hope.

He stood up roughly and gave a small nod to the boy's direction, feeling so frustrated and angered at once. His mood was so dark that he knew staying one more second with the boy wouldn't be good for the both of them. 

_Shimatta_, _it's just a flower_, but the unexplainable disappointment and bitterness in him proved more. Suddenly, he didn't feel like staying anymore, in the porch, or maybe in the house. He only announced in a clipped voice that he was leaving for a while before he headed back in side to get his coat. How one insignificant little game managed to bring out the worst in him, he couldn't explain and didn't want to understand. It was so uncharacteristic, yet he felt really affected.

"Wait!" the boy's voice stopped him, and Heero had to control himself to look back, "What?" he almost hissed out.

Nicky's eyes were shining even more with enthusiasm, "Look!"

He turned the flower, and there, almost undetectable, was a tiny petal. "I didn't see that!" he pouted as he plucked at the petal, "See? She loves you! That means I can't have her for a girlfriend."

Heero froze in his position, and watched slowly as the boy showed him the small teardrop of a petal… and he found himself staring at it. Then he wondered about his unusual reaction to the outcome of the game.

Nicky laughed as he kept the stem back in his bag. "That's it! It might not be obvious, and we might not have really noticed, but she loves you too!"

And his words went straight to Heero.

Hilde suddenly came running back, "Heero, I just read in the news the reason why there weren't so many shoppers!" she declared breathlessly, her eyes shining with exhilaration. "The people are preparing for a _fiesta_ celebration this evening. This town _has_ a Spanish majority, and they are holding a dance in the Park Square this evening. They were all busy preparing for the event!" Then she raised a fist. "I want to go to the dance," she informed him.

Then she noticed his stunned silence and Nicky's impish face. "Uh, would anyone mind telling me what just happened?"

Silence that spoke louder than words answered her ignorant question.


	9. Part 7, Section Two: -You make me do stu...

In The Arms of Destruction Part 7 – Never Let Me Go

In The Arms of Destruction Part 7 – Never Let Me Go

Section Two 

_A thing of beauty is a joy forever:   
Its loveliness increases; it will never   
Pass into nothingness._

_- John Keats_

~~~

Heero's lack of attention had bothered her earlier. Nicky had gone off, announcing that he would have to meet his so-called girlfriend. And when Hilde had closed the door and turned to seek his answer, he was still wordlessly staring at the door, as if the boy had not gone and she had not shut it. _What _did_ happen?_ She had thought. 

Placing her attention to her current intentions in mind, she approached Heero, who was still ignorant to her presence. She then nervously cleared her throat. This question was very unusual for her and she didn't appreciate having to ask him such, but the idea of a rare dance really appealed to her. Yes, she, Hilde Schbeiker, German-raucous, violent gamine extraordinaire, wanted to…

_Darnit._

"Um, Heero… can we, uh, go to the dance?" she stuttered, suddenly looking down to hide her face with her bangs. Heck, she was blushing. What in this world or the next caused her to consider such a thing? She asked herself immediately. _It's just a dance, an informal one at that. Just a wimpy dance…_ she told herself, still refusing to look up.

But Hilde Schbeiker had never been to a dance, not once, ever before.

She had never experienced playing with dolls and dressing them up, she had never gone swimming in the beach with inflatable floaters as a child. After all, the only dolls she ever had were for target practice, and she learned to swim at three. She had never gone to movies on warm Friday nights, nor complained about too much homework or killer tests. She had never gone to school, and had been educated in… different matters. Never had she gone shopping for gaudy dresses and prepared for dates; flirting was out of the question. Socializing had always been dangerous, limited to cussing at each other or simple phrases. She had been talkative, anyway.

In short, Hilde had no normal childhood and adolescence. More simply put, she had an abnormal life.

And she had never, ever danced.

Maybe there was a semblance of normalcy during the past three years. After all, she had lived in a decent house, had stopped from fighting, and had settled in a stable life with the help of a business. She had done what normal people did, she _lived_… cooked, did the laundry, laughed with others. She respected other persons, and they did her. She liked them, and for once, people actually liked her back and worked with her. They even called her pretty. Some really cared. Yes, she had a normal life, and the greatest proof of that was that…

…she flinched guiltily, she fell in love. She loved a mischievous, daring thief, Duo Maxwell. And he actually cared for her too. It was through him that she had that taste of life, through his love that she actually started melting, and being happy, and forgetting all the pain…

And now, the past was back and more prominent than ever, and she was caught in between. Everything she had worked for, every joy and every achievement for the past three years, had to be thrown away, had to be _forgotten_ so that she could set things right and keep them safe…

Normal? No, maybe never.

Duo had promised to take her to a dance before she left.

Now?

_This is my last chance,_ she thought as she closed her eyes. Her only opportunity, it seemed, to feel normal, to be an ordinary woman, one last time before the storm settled in. It was her only chance to feel that same joy of knowing what others felt and being one with them before she would have to face the ghosts of her dangerous past.

_After all, it's just a wimpy dance_ she repeated to herself.

A wimpy dance she never had, and might never have. One that she had been forbidden to dream of when she was a child, one that she enviously saw others enjoy while patrolling secured cocktail parties and events, one that she wanted to have, no matter how stupid and overly-sentimental it seemed.

_I…_she thought pathetically. Then her head snapped up, Heero hadn't answered yet. He was still staring faintly at the door, lost in deep thought. "Heero?" she prodded, almost impatiently. She had pitied herself all the time, just to discover that he hadn't listened to her earlier question, after all.

He blinked, then turned to face her. There was a look of guilt and self-upset on his face, but his eyes gentled when they dropped on her. She almost faltered because of this unsettling image, but he immediately turned his Prussian eyes away, and his face returned to its firm demeanor. "What?" he asked so harshly that she jumped with surprise.

"I—I," she tried to begin in a weak voice as she tried to gather her senses, which had been scattered because of his silent act, and her important question. "I… asked you a question."

He regarded her impatiently as he crossed his arms, "What is it?" he asked gruffly, and she then wondered if the kind look on his eyes had just been her imagination. She suddenly felt intimidated. How could Heero be so confusing… so different?

And how could she care so much for his reaction and answer? How could she care so much for him?

She realized that she wanted him to be with her in this dance as much as she herself wanted to go. Deep inside, she felt that Heero needed this as much as she did. They were both so similar sometimes, she thought as she shook her head. And she cared… And now was not the time to back down.

"Will you come to the dance with me?" she unwillingly croaked out. By Deutschland, did she have to sound so pathetically aggressive? And Hilde was even more despaired by his reaction.

He had a confused look on his face, and _disturbed_ was more like it. As if that was the last thing he expected to hear from her at that moment. "What?" he repeated in a clear voice. "You're asking…"

"You heard me," she moaned out loud as she stomped her foot. Goodness, this was embarrassing, yet was so glaringly important to her.

"Why?" Heero asked, the bewildered look still on his face. She sighed, suddenly wishing to wipe that look off his handsome face. Struggling for an answer to do so, she mentioned the simple words that came to mind. "I… wanted to dance."

He looked insulted by that answer, as if it triggered his normal hostile self. He staggered back, as if delivering the answer to his brain to fully comprehend it. He then froze for a moment, as if deliberating on his answer. 

But as her fears expected, he just turned back to her, an irate look on his face that seemed to berate her for wasting his time, and answered in a strangely soft voice. "Is that so? Well, I don't want to…dance."

And with that, his deep eyes just levelled at her, judging her gaping face. Without another word, he swept away and went back to the dining room.

Hilde had watched him as he walked away. He could say 'no' _that_ easily? And she actually thought they were making progress.

And that was when she started fuming. Keeping her control strong, she followed him into the dining room and tried to find other ways to convince him. After all, Heero was Heero, right? It would just take some time to convince him… _you don't even know if he's ever been to a dance before, dumm_, she told herself. But Heero couldn't just throw her offer away, could he?

She slapped her forehead. He could.

But why did that tick her off so immensely? She could easily ask someone else.

No way. It should be Heero, she told herself, wondering why she was so determined and so… affected.

She dashed to the table, where he was concentrating on his laptop. "Please, Heero. Just once."

He didn't answer. He didn't even give her a look, and was still typing furiously on his computer, where she noticed him doing Gundanium computations to get some dimensions. She sighed, knowing that she was disturbing him but was still desperate for his consent.

"Heero, we could always do what you're doing now. I'd even do it for you. But please… let's go tonight. It's the last break I'd ever ask of you." _It's definitely my last break_, she thought sadly. "I truly know about how focused we should be right now. Trust me, I do, but we let's relax for now… time would permit us what you're doing. We could finish that later. Please, just one last time." She urged.

His eyes narrowed, but he kept on typing.

She flopped down on one of the chairs, feeling more and more depressed. She dropped her head on the table. "Heero Yuy, you need a break." She muttered quietly.

He sighed angrily, "I've had enough of breaks today. Maybe what I need a break from is _you_."

She snorted and ignored that.Was he looking for an argument? He was certainly being disagreeable… That answer was out of line. She struggled with the annoyance rising within her.

Raising herself, she turned to him and tried to speak in a levelled voice. "Heero, you can easily go. You won't be recognized, what with the number of people present, and we have each other. We can go. And besides, you have the clothes," she suggested curtly, thinking of the clothing articles she had bought for him. "And you certainly don't look bad."

He ignored her this time.

She suddenly couldn't take it anymore… everything – the sudden, overly emotional need to go to this dance, the even more confusing need to have it with Heero, and the frustrating strong hurt because of Heero's cold negativity. It was unexplainable, but no matter how much she quickly tried to avert her feelings, the sudden confusion wouldn't go away. She shook her head to clear her thoughts.

_Not now._ She whispered one last time, now in a voice that was more desperate and tired than she wanted him to hear, "Please, Heero."

He didn't even waste another second to consider it. "No."

His strong word thudded glaringly into her ears. 

_"No."_

_ _

_She tried to cower away from the man watching her so intently. Clutching her knees to her chest, she shifted farther from him, moving to the side of the bench. She refused to speak any longer, yet the way she shivered at his gaze obviously brought him pleasure, for the fire in his gaze seemed to intensify at every painful second._

_ _

_He laughed, a deep, rich sound, it was a wonder how such a beautiful voice belonged to such a cruel being. "Heidi," his melodious voice continued. "You will never be allowed to such things. _Sie sind ein Narr *_. A person like you is bound to this kind of life. The normal life selfish people enjoy because of their so-called peace is superficial and frivolous. You are not."_

_ _

_He drew near, so near… then sat down beside her on the bench. She tried to move away, but his hand immediately caught hers in a tight grip. She gasped and cursed, but it was all muffled when he placed his arms around her and drew her in his embrace. _

_ _

_"Heidi…" he whispered. That is not my name. "When will you learn the very thing your stubborn mother refused to accept? There is no other destiny for you except to be mine." He suddenly hissed. "You are within my grasp, you won't escape. She loved another, and she bore you."_

_ _

_His icy eyes glittered as he ran a hand through her cropped mane. "You would never do those. No. You won't be her mistake. You will pay for her debts."_

_ _

_It was getting dark, and she felt cold. She wanted to leave, and she struggled from his grip. He simply laughed and released her. Trembling, she turned to walk away, and was eternally grateful when she heard her Instructor's voice calling for her. She ran to the voice._

_ _

_But the man she left behind spoke one more phrase, one that would disturb her for life. "After all, you are no fool."_

She gasped, suddenly lost in the painful memory. Hilde staggered backwards, then had to place an arm on the chair to balance herself. Heero's face replaced her vision, and she choked out a small, "No?"

For a split second, Heero seemed to hesitate, but she took no notice. His face was as placid as ever, his eyes sterner than she had ever seen them. "If you're so excited about a meaningless dance, why don't you ask someone else?" he asked directly in a clipped voice.

Hilde looked down, her breath uneven, her heart pounding wildly. But her surroundings were numb, and her thoughts were unfocused. She gazed at her hand and found it shaking.

Moving, unable to stay still… because of fear.

Her eyes narrowed slowly as she comprehended his words. Yes, why didn't she think of that? Why Heero? Why bother with the dance at all? She would never, ever experience something like that, something forbidden from her all her life, so out of reach…

The realization was nothing new, yet it hurt. It hurt so much. Even Heero…

_Is this all that I am? All that I could be?_

_ _

__Sie sind ein Narr_. _

__

"You're right," she whispered, her voice hollow._So tired…_

_ _

__"After all, it's just a meaningless dance, right?" she asked herself, but her uncontrolled voice reached past him. "And what am I doing, wasting my time again, right? It's all right, Heero." 

The sudden turn of events left her shaken, so vulnerable and weak, and she had no desire to continue doing so. Not in front of Heero, not after so many years of trying to forget and be strong. She unsteadily tried to leave the room. She felt Heero's eyes watch her every movement, yet she didn't care… didn't notice the uncertainty in them, the genuine concern being masked by his cold words and actions. 

She turned towards the doorway, yet caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. 

Hilde's eyes widened. The person in the mirror was no longer an impulsive, immature girl whose life revolved around rebelling, besting others in shots and being promoted. She was no longer the girl who fed everything given to her and followed every handed order, and her life no longer revolved around the fear of a man. Now, the person who stood before her had bright eyes. She had maturity in them, a glow that only experience could provide. There were the scars, but they had long ago been healed by courage, faith, hope and love. The _woman_ who stood before her had already experienced so many pains, but she had also learned to laugh and smile genuinely. She had grown, and she was going to face her past.

Then something rose within her. _I am not a fool._

Hilde had always been supported by a strong sense of good-natured pride, and now, that same sense of self-accomplishment blossomed within her. She could live her life anyway she wanted. She was in control of what she wanted to do. If she wanted to have so much as a taste of the normality she had never had, then she would do so. And the memories from her past wouldn't stop her.

And Heero, for whatever reasons he had, wouldn't stop her either.

"If you don't want to go, fine." She began slowly, her frame gaining strength as she continued watching herself in the mirror. "I'll go myself." Anger started to rise from within her, she didn't need his scrutiny, or his sarcastic rejection. She no longer wanted to involve herself in the confusion that was their relationship with each other.

She cared for him, but she couldn't allow his rejection to ruin her plans, or her courage, as well as her control over herself.

"Heck, I don't need you, Heero." She whispered from beneath her lips.

_Yet she cared…_

She didn't look at him as she walked out to the doorway, but muttered quietly before she left. "But am I going to let you ruin this dance? Not. Bloody. Likely."

And without waiting for another acerbic comeback, she left the room.

She was back to normal, and Heero Yuy was definitely a mean, coldly arrogant, saucy-tongued, cynical Prude.

~~~

She was going to enjoy herself tonight, whether Heero wanted to or not.

She had been upset earlier, and was in a flitting rage after their encounter in the kitchen in fact, but was stubbornly determined to attend. Everyone in Tirrill was invited, which meant Heero and her as well, and she wasn't going to pass up the opportunity. She wanted to prove to herself many things by doing just that. But she hadn't meant to lose her temper around Heero, which was what she hated and avoided the most. But Heero's blatant negativity had pushed her, and all the strains on their relationship for the past two days had also kicked in. Or maybe it was because she was scared by the fact that she felt _too_ much. 

_No, that can't be it_, she had insisted.

"Jerk!" she had muttered when she went downstairs to leave hours later, not bothering to check on him.

_Maybe._

And now, here she was, standing before the Park Square, nervous as a criminal facing conviction, and not liking it. She sighed, it would have been so much better if Heero had come with her. She didn't like what transpired between them earlier, and more so about the unnerving flashback. Then she tugged at her beret – yes, she wore it today, along with her dark coat, which covered a light lilac gartered dress underneath. It had a special significance to her, and she wanted it to at least be present, not necessarily worn, as she made her first dance.

She took a deep breath and reserved a table in the outdoor restaurant bordering the square, which was already filled with people. Smiling to herself, she straightened and promised to make this a night to remember for her. She then lifted the beret and revealed her hair nicely tied up with a lavender ribbon. Removing her coat, she had a final look at herself in a glass display. Her hair was beginning to curl up prettily at least, and her eyes weren't exactly a bad color she comforted herself, looking for at least _something_ to admire. The dress and the matching sandals had been a gift to her by one of Duo's Sweeper friends, an aged man she affectionately called Mac. Apparently, he thought she should start acting like a woman, the thought caused her to grin suddenly with sentimental warmth.

_Stop feeling insecure._ She commanded herself. _Prove to yourself, and prove to him, that you can make it._ She then sighed, wishing _again_ that her argument with Heero didn't happen. After all, he had done enough by accompanying her and warding off Nicky during the day. She then realized that despite all her efforts, she still hadn't discovered the reason for his moodiness… Why _did_ he always bother her thoughts? _Oh bloody heck; forget him for the moment!_

She straightened herself. She was going to push him out of her much-too-confused mind. And with that, she then strode towards the square, confidence in her stance. If they didn't like what she was, she didn't care, she told herself, her grin curving even more, she was going to enjoy herself.

A slow song started playing, and she stopped in her tracks when the instrumental started trickling through the crowd, causing them to separate into twos. It really was a beautiful song, she thought, meaning to ask someone about it later. But before she could further think her plan, she saw a man approaching her. She smiled right away.

He really was a nice-looking guy, with sandy blonde hair and blue-green eyes, and when she smiled back to ask if she could help him, he looked temporarily confused, so Hilde just shook her head at him. Why else would he approach her?

_To dance, you dolt!_ Ran across her thoughts. And her eyes widened, then she chuckled at herself. She didn't notice the other man taking note of this and running his hand through his hair, but she simply asked him her question to open a conversation. "Excuse me, can you tell me what song** this is?"

He grinned immediately, "Actually, I'm not sure about its name, but it certainly sounds sentimental. I think it's another one of those favored songs from decades ago. You like it?"

She returned his welcoming smile, "It sounds wonderful… sweet but solemn, sad but romantic." Then she looked away, losing herself in the wonderful tune. And when he didn't reply to that, she realized that he seemed to have lost interest in her, so she turned back to excuse herself and leave. Yet, she was surprised to find him staring at her with a friendly look in his eyes. She promptly started blushing.

"So, are you new from around here?" he asked her casually, walking nearer.

Finally, a good conversation, she prayed thankfully, if not a bit nervously. She wasn't too sure about giving information about herself so quickly. Shrugging, she crossed her arms and gave him a thoughtful look, "Yes, I just moved in last month—_Auch!_"

Strong arms pulled her swiftly from her position, and before she could react or think straight, she found herself settled before a strong chest, quickly being led away.

She gasped, and her eyes widened. She didn't have to look at who he was.

_Heero_. It was definitely him. After all, only he could get away with plucking her from elsewhere without making much of a ruse. It was only him who dared take her like that. Only him.

"You always make me do stupid things." he whispered into her ear before he led her to the dance floor.

Hilde finally looked up at him. He was wearing the clothes she picked earlier, and he was cleaned and freshly prepared. His hair had been left alone, but it still gave him that rugged look. He had donned a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, making his hard chest somewhat more prominent and defining the muscles in his arms. He smelled good too.

He was handsome, she realized that all too quickly. She ducked her head. And he was here… in this dance. With her… He had…

He was dancing with her, held within his embrace – yet earlier, they had their coldest exchange ever. He had been rude, and she, too persuasive and sensitive. She stiffened, but he drew her closer and swept her away.

She suddenly felt guilty. He had done all of this for her. Had she really been that mad? Despite their argument, he still went out to accompany her in this dance. Her only dance… he didn't leave her. He had done so much… She raised her head again, and felt that incredible urge to touch his face as she began, "Heero – I would like to say sorry—"

But he cut her off as he moved her to another direction, then sighed. His deep eyes glowed faintly in the streetlight. "If it's that important to you…" he began just as softly. 

And she gave a watery laugh, suddenly feeling more sentimental than ever before. She tried to give him a straight look. "It's my first dance, Heero."

He gave her an incredulous look, but before he could reply, she rested her head on his chest and sighed. "And it might be my last too. Yes, Heero, it's that special. I can say I'm sorry for imposing such a thing on you. But I'm glad… I'm happier you came."

She wondered what caused her to admit that much to him, but her ponderings were cut off when he tightened his hold on her, as if struck by her words, but she couldn't care more. It was his sacrifice to join her this night that struck her. Somehow, she felt really grateful, more than anything or anyone. Call her a sentimental fool if others wanted, but what he was giving her that night meant so much to her, more than his training her, or his putting up with her. 

_Heero._

She felt tears rising to her eyes. What was happening to her? She was being too emotional… a mindless _Narr._ But a happy fool indeed. All her ill feelings towards him, all the pains she had because of him – all of them disappeared. What was happening right now was what mattered.

Heero Yuy may be a jerk, but he was also a controlled, kind and patient man underneath. He could be so silent, but he was also encouraging, considerate and compassionate. He was a grudge… but he was her grudge. He helped her and healed her, and he accepted her and made her grow. He was a hero, as his name sounded, though he would probably never admit it. An angel.

And he was her first dance.

"Heero…" she began as the two of them continued in the solemn rhythm. "I…"

"Don't mention it, Hilde," he cut her off quietly, if not a bit huskily.

But she didn't have to say the words to remember all that he had done for her. What was a quiet gesture of kindness from her turned into him assisting her always. He had done so many things for her… he had saved her from the man following them despite his injuries, he had decided to join her in her mission, but had accomplished more than that. He gave her the answers she needed and the training she was required to have. He had been patient enough to assist her through everything and believe her.

And most of all, he accepted her. He didn't scorn her. Whom she thought to be an unfeeling, perfectionist assassin turned out to be a kind, silently wonderful friend. One who didn't have to say a lot to make her feel better, one who put up with her moods and tantrums, one who knew of her past mistakes, but was still willing to be there. 

And now she knew why she was so affected by him, so weak and sensitive whenever it came to him.

She cared for him, more than she would ever admit. She needed him.

And she knew that even if he had not done all of those things for her, she would still feel the same for him. Because she had already seen him, saw what he was really like and had a glimpse into his soul.

And his soul was beautiful. 

If only…

"Thank you…" she whispered, but he didn't reply.

And the night was magical, as they stood there, slowly swaying to the beautiful music. A soft breeze comforted them both as they remained locked in the passionate embrace. The people around them didn't matter, for the moon rising high in the purple sky, half in the arms of clouds was enough. 

And she forgot, buried away the fact that she was a former mercenary running away from her past, and him, a cold assassin. She forgot that she was in danger, that she was far away from home, that she loved someone else, and that he had different engagements and pains. She didn't recall their arguments, and misunderstandings, and they didn't pay heed to the impending future.

A loud beating of drums drew her attention from him, and Heero's arms released his tight hold on her when they realized that a different song was being played. It was a traditional Mexican song, and the guitars strummed quickly to follow the beat.

Hilde laughed when she saw other couples scrambling to position their selves. They then danced according to Spanish tradition, using moves that were beautiful and seemingly complicated but easy to imitate. She pointed to a man lifting his beloved to join the music, then turned her about. Immediately, everyone in the dance floor followed as a part of the cultural dance routine.

"Hold on," she heard Heero's steady voice. And she looked at him, her eyes incredulous. Heero's demeanor had changed drastically as well, but what he was implying astounded her "No way, we can't dance to _that_!" she breathed, but her eyes were glistening with excitement. Heero had a slight grin on his face!

"You were always so proud of your abilities, weren't you?" he challenged her, and she raised an eyebrow. "Surely you can do this, too… it would be a shame if you couldn't." he finished.

She placed her hands on his shoulders. "I didn't know you could dance, too, Heero."

He smirked, "Then why did you ask me?"

She gave a brilliant smile. "I need you." And then she stepped away from him and bowed in the way the other women did as they welcomed their partners for the dance. He only gave her a look with that, and stopped all formalities as he grabbed her. "You can do this?"

There was actually laughter in his eyes, and Hilde felt it herself. She nodded, then remembered the part where the males had to carry their feminine partners to spin them. "I can, Heero, as long as you're here. Just don't let me go."

And there was a stirring quality in his voice as he whispered back in a voice that was so fierce that it sent tremors of warmth within her. "Never."

~~~

He'd never felt so alive in a moment other than struggling to survive in the middle of a battlefield. But this felt different, and he knew that every little detail would forever remain in his mind. Heero perceived everything all together and sensed the warmth in every movement. There was a flame within him that grew stronger by every second. 

His blue eyes narrowed. In defeat.

He could never deny her anything.

Not Hilde Schbeiker with her broken voice and bright smiles.

He felt himself idly stroking her hair. Weak. It was so different with her, with the way she made him feel, how she made him react and how she would always drive him to distraction. He never wanted to go here, had no intention of doing _anything_ for her after realizing how out of center he was with his emotions. It seemed rather easy; after all, of all people, it was he who was the expert at driving people away. It was he who could easily intimidate.

But Heero knew that his resolve had immediately weakened when she paused in her speech earlier. She was all too persuasive, half-serious in tone, but the way her eyes shone was something he dared not to understand. They were pleading, and were not something that could help his situation. 

Why would he want to go to a stupid dance? And who was she to be thinking of such frivolous things at a time like that? He had flat feelings about attending the event. No, especially not with the memories the dance floor gave him, about a beautiful woman with dark blonde hair who asked to dance with him just after he pointed his gun at her. He was trying to forget, but what he feared most was an ironical repeat of that scene tonight. And he didn't want that, most certainly not with Hilde.

So why had he found himself walking to the park to see her?

Was it that slip when he finally said 'No' that had caught him? That all too brief moment of vulnerability in her open eyes, which suddenly grew wide, terrified to no end? He recalled seeing her shiver as he waited for her answer, and when she suddenly staggered backwards, he realized that the dance was more than it seemed.

It was almost a regret, seeing her falter and weakly try to leave the room. She was not going to let him ruin her dance, she had said, in a voice that was more determined than ever, one that mirrored his own. What she had said confirmed his suspicions.

Why he ever decided to go was a mystery on its own. Maybe it was because of guilt, maybe because he saw more than he wanted to see when he had rejected her offer. Perhaps it was the pain in her eyes, normally bright and teasing. Maybe it was the same pain that reflected within him at that very same moment – for unwillingly disappointing her, for making her remember something she had no desire to recall. Maybe… he hadn't been strong enough to survive seeing her like that.

Yes, it was blatantly going against himself; it was a weakness Heero despised.

Yet he had only wanted to check on her, to see if she was fine, by all means possible. He knew she was upset, and had no intentions to rectify his mistake. They were both in too deep with each other to allow more vulnerability. He did it to see if she was still upset, and probably to find out what the cause of her mood swing had been.

And it was that cursed sight of her, standing at the edge of the crowd, blossoming through the night in that dress that ticked him off. What had been hidden from him before, or what took him so long to notice, was revealed and shown at his sight. It was that heart-rending, yet innocently entrancing beauty she held on her own, with the way she moved, or the way her smile curved, and the way her dark eyes brightened fully. Or probably how suitable her hair was as her crowning glory, and how the way she moved so gently yet proudly was so catching. His sudden ire grew when he noticed how some men were staring at her, and when one dared approach her. 

He didn't know what his 'ire' had turned into the moment that happened, but before they both knew it, Hilde was in his arms, and he was stubbornly determined not to release her. _Heck_, now was not the time for her to start socializing – not when she was involved in a very complicated issue that thus endangered her life! She was _not_ supposed to be smiling at some man, or dancing with other men –

What was that getting to?

He cursed under his breath.

"What's wrong?" Hilde asked, looking up at him. Her flushed face left him breathless, but the challenge in her eyes spurred him on, "Are you tired of dancing?"

He smirked, "Are you?" And she half-choked, but winked at him, "Never Heero. Not this time."

It was then when Heero realized that a part of him was upset because Duo had not succeeded in such a simple task as taking her to a dance before. And there was that male instinct within him to excel where the other had failed. It was such a simple thing, yet Duo had never done anything about it. But along with that, there was this unexplainable, yet undeniable strong sense of pride and fulfilment. He was her first dance.

It was strange, yet pleasing at the same time.

And that night, they danced united, together in a song, and he felt her hold on to him as if he was the only person she knew. He had permitted himself to dance. To cling to a person, after so many years of loneliness and isolation, to laugh after having cried alone as a boy, to feel after locking up all emotions. He was holding her close, and she laid her ear above his heart.

And throughout their movements, he had felt her tremble, could almost feel the watering of her eyes. And there was the time when her emotion-tight voice had whispered his name, as if needing to tell him something. _His name_. The way she said it with such feeling.

He knew, right then, that he didn't regret his actions.

And he realized, exactly the same moment, that she needed him.

_Just about as much as you need her?_

His eyes narrowed.

_You fear._

He tightened his arms around her.

~~~

_I could lose my heart tonight, if you don't turn and walk away._

Hilde rubbed vigorously at her eyes. Why was she crying? It was so damned unreasonable! Oh great, she cussed, that meant she was losing control. Yet the arms that held her were so warm. And the person she was leaning on was so inexplicably wonderful. Heero was making this experience seem like a dream… it was all she had expected in a dance.

His arms tightened around her, and she felt her own do the same around his neck.

'_Cause the way I feel alive, lose control, and let you stay._

'_I owe you so much, Heero,_' she thought as they continued moving together. It was this man who saved her so many times, who gave her hope. It was he who made her smile when the world seemed dark ahead. In many ways, he comforted her, helped her move through. He was the last person she expected to be there for her and accept her. Yet she had seen glimpses into his real soul, and he had captivated her.

A great feeling of joy stirred in her heart, that which was a combination of happiness and sadness. She was feeling so complete, so fulfilled, as if she had found the place where she would belong.

Then the song continued,  
_Cause I could take you in my arms and never let go._

Hilde shuddered, _she needed him so much…_ There was the fear of being too attached to the magic of the moment. Tomorrow, they might still fight, in the future; he could leave her by herself. It was so painful to think of him leaving her now. Not when she was starting to feel –

She shook her head, but "Hilde," Heero's voice interrupted her. 

"Yes?" she asked softly.

"_Arigatou,_" his voice filtered into her ear, yet she couldn't see his eyes. He seemed to be hiding his face from her, for he had placed a hand on the back of her head to keep her still, yet the tone in his voice didn't prevent her from understanding what he meant. "For what?" she choked out.

"For… everything." Was all that he said.

She smiled as she unconsciously clutched at his shirt and shook her head, "No, Heero. Thank _you_. _Danke_. You don't know how much."

_I could fall in love with you._

"You should have worn the necklace," she teased gently as she hooked her arms around him again.

"Hn," he grunted back as she tried to hold back her laughter. Then she looked up into his eyes then froze. They were stormy, filled with unwanted, yet strong emotions, those which he was trying to prevent. And yet they were soft and extremely tender when they landed on her. What surprised her even more was that the reflection of her eyes in his was mirroring _exactly_ the same emotions.

_I could only wonder… But if I take that chance right now, tomorrow will you want me still?_

He immediately looked away, and she could only stare at him in wonder.

_So I should keep this to myself and never let you go._

And yet his hand had not yet stopped moving from the base of her neck. "Heero," she whispered to herself, but he had heard, and their eyes met once more. His hand slowly rested at her chin, tracing her jaw. "Hilde," he said hoarsely.

_I could fall in love with you._

Before she could stop herself, her other hand had reached out to his cheek just the same, as if forcing him to look at her. He had beautiful eyes; deep, ethereal orbs.

And they stood that way and stopped dancing.

Somewhere across the street, along the shadows of the buildings past the park, an old woman watched them, her sharp emerald eyes narrowing in triumph. She traced her weathered fingers through the crowd and pointed at them. Her eyes rested on Heero, then on Hilde. _He had feared._ _She feared the same._

But now, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. 

For the dark-haired girl was already in her angel's arms. She already belonged in the arms of destruction.

End of Part Seven

(*) You are a fool.

(**) Save the Best for Last by Vanessa Williams

(***) I Could Fall In Love by Selena


	10. Part 8: -You are not her.-

In the Arms of Destruction, Part Eight: Not Her (Vulnerable)

In the Arms of Destruction, Part Eight: Not Her (Vulnerable)

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked

_The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain._

_Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."_

_But I say unto you, they are inseparable._

- Kahlil Gibran, on Joy and Sorrow

It almost seemed impossible, surreal.

The two of them had their eyes locked delicately on each other. His hand was gentle on her neck, and she held his cheek ever so lovingly. There was no movement, save for the mere unity of breath, and the seemingly bound beating of hearts. They clasped on to each other, as if letting go would mean the loss of redemption. Every apparent fear, every doubt, was dispersed with the night wind.

And he watched them. He observed.

He stood silently, watching as the dancers came and blocked his view, but moved away to reveal the still mystifying moment symbolized by the two people. It was as if time stood at rest.

He chuckled to himself, glancing at the sparkle in her eyes. He then checked the hour through his wristwatch, noticing the subtle dark star tattoo hidden underneath the band. Shaking his head, he removed a picture from his pocket.

It was a candid photograph of a girl. She sat on the roof, clad in her dark training fatigues, with the wrinkled patch of the number 26 boldly coming out from her shoulder. She wore a rather dirty beret on her dark head, and there were smudges of mud on her cheeks. Her hands lay carelessly on top of her raised knees, and her gloves were left unused on the ground beside her. But her appearance wasn't the striking factor in the picture. She was staring straight ahead, into the night sky, her eyes distant and disturbed, damp with unshed emotions. Her mouth was drawn in a tight line, and her face was a picture of grim confusion. Her posture stated the need to be alone. 

The darkness seemed to stare back at her in the photograph. It was dated AC 193. A few months before she disappeared from the base.

He looked back at the woman in the arms of the other man, then stared back at the picture. _Well, what a nice time for reunions._ Five years. For five whole years, she had been hiding from them, and for that same amount of time, they had to bear with the First's hostilities concerning her escape. He hadn't known the girl personally, but that fact alone pushed him to continue with his mission. It would soon be time to amend that difficulty, he mused as he saw the girl whisper a name.

Hilde Schbeiker was playing dangerous games.

_He_ wouldn't be pleased with that, he concluded in his mind. His brow raised as her partner responded to her word. He would not want to approach the man she was dancing with. But it was all worth it. He had to see her now, to make sure.

Striding purposely towards the couple, he grinned amusedly when they failed to notice him. So much for entrances. He smirked as he neared their backs.

"Excuse me, I would like to cut in."

It was a command, an insistence, and not a request, or an asking for permission.

He felt satisfaction when the two of them jolted off from each other, as if shocked by what was transpiring between them. 

The girl jumped away, seemingly guilty, for her face was flushed and her mouth was open. The man moved away as well, his features an image of hurt, anger and regret, where his eyes were glazed with frustration. But, he thought with interest, the moment of vulnerability had gone as quickly as it had come, for the man's countenance was immediately masked, stoic and unreadable.

That was when the girl's eyes fell on him, he who was watching them.

He could have gasped. Instead, a delicate blond brow raised in question as he gazed at the woman before him. This was absolutely her. He had found Number Twenty-Six.

But the woman staring wordlessly at him was very, _very_ different from the disturbed girl in the pictures. Her sapphire eyes were glittering with unabashed passion, but her cheeks were rose red in embarrassment. Her hair had grown, curling ever so prettily to frame her strikingly milky face. No, she was not what he had expected from afar. She was far more fetching. This Hilde Schbeiker radiated a fiery but spirited grace.

And he started. _No wonder this man she is dancing with looks so angered._ No wonder she was in the First's eye. No wonder at all…

"Excuse me," Hilde then asked. She had a rather high-pitched yet deeply soothing voice, and her pronunciation was hard. Very, very German, he noticed.

"You would like to dance," he stated. Evenly, steadily. Then he would see her even more. _Then he would know._

She looked at the man beside her, the one with intimidating deep blue eyes, as if waiting for him to answer for her. But the man just looked at her.

And what was to look? With eyes so disturbing, and with a gaze that seemed so furious and uncontrolled, watching her as if she was the curse to his perfectly created world? The girl flinched under his gaze, and then looked away. It was another curiosity, seeing them like this, when they had been so contented in each other earlier. What exactly was he to her? This person was someone to watch out for. The thought caused him a wry grin and he waited.

Yet the other man gave no reply, simply giving him the harshest glare he had ever received in his life, one that seemed to _kill_ on the spot. And without a single word, he stalked off. The girl immediately went to follow him, "Heero!" she called out in a fevered, desperate voice. His smile grew as he took her hand. "Let him be, _Liebe_."

Her eyes widened at the word, then she looked at him.

He gave a small wink as he took Hilde Schbeiker's hand and led her deeper into the dance floor. The other known as Heero temporarily out of her mind. Good, so good…

She was so soft and feminine, he thought vaguely, a smile involuntarily tugging at his mouth at the vision of her bewildered face. He then turned to face her, regarding her distant, troubled look. He sighed and placed his arms steadily around her waist. Her small, firm waist: He wasn't fooled by her innocent façade.

She started at his touch, but gave him a deep, scrutinizing look. Then she placed her arms reluctantly on his shoulders. With one brow raised, she didn't bother with formalities, "You're German?"

He marvelled at her snappy, but nevertheless seemingly charming bluntness. Impressive, she already had defensive instincts against him. Hilde Schbeiker would be a tough, but incredibly entertaining mission. "Maybe. You are, aren't you?" he answered with a deceptively handsome grin. He wanted to goad the girl.

She looked speechless. He gave a small laugh and nudged her to dance. Looking away, she moved slowly to the music. Then she shot him a doubtful look. "How would you know?"

He grinned naughtily, "I know." _I know a lot more than you think_

_ _

__Those two words seemed to unnerve her more, and she soon stopped dancing and moved to turn away. "I have to go." She said with finality, and then started to leave.

Again? _No, you don't_, he mused to her in his mind, and with efficient movements grabbed her arm. This startled her, and he felt her immediate reaction when she unconsciously flipped her hand over his and grabbed his arm tightly as well. But the reflex reaction was quickly covered when she let him go smoothly. 

His brow raised at this, but he masked his supposed frown with a smirk. _Well, what do you know?_ He looked at her closed eyes and watched as she took a deep breath. When she lifted her lids, there was clear annoyance in her eyes. His grin turned mocking. "Stay."

Her defiant blue eyes narrowed heatedly. "Why? Is there something you need from me?"

He chuckled deeply, muttering, "_Liebe_, I _do_ need a lot from you, a real lot." She glared at him, but suddenly looked back at the edge of the crowd with anxiety in her eyes. So, she was _still_ looking for her partner. He released his breath and pulled her closer.

"What is your name? Do you live here?" he asked lazily, the teasing note still in his voice. He already knew…

"What is that to you?" Hilde Schbeiker seemed more exasperated than ever, but the suspicion in her eyes was blatant, something he wasn't surprised about. He was really pleased by it, actually. Detection of something unusual always came by instinct to people like her.

He shrugged, the simple answer was, "I heard you're new here. I'm curious." 

The girl sighed, slightly relaxing at his answer, "I just moved in, I heard there were many job opportunities in this sector of L4, and I'm hoping to build a business based on software conversion. But still, as you can see, I've not finished settling yet. I can get you needed contacts when we're done." she announced stiffly.

Excuses, excuses. They were all so good at them, and how normal and simple did she appear to be! It almost seemed hypocritical. No one like them deserved that opportunity, or could ever attain such luxury – least of all this girl. And the other man… He nodded thoughtfully, giving an even more maddening grin, "And where does your boyfriend come in?"

He enjoyed the shocked look on her face as she gasped.But at his provoking look, she simply placed her hands on his and pushed them away from her. Placing her arms around herself, she answered in a clipped voice, "He's—he's _not_ anything special to me, and _that_ is none of your business."

He was even more interested in her reaction. He knew a denial when he saw one. She had such open expressions – very, very weakening. But what intense spirit she had! It was one that he didn't expect from someone who grew from the Base. "Fine. Where do you live? I would like to see you."

Her eyes sharpened guardedly as her brow raised. "Why would you want to do that?"

He laughed quietly, _rebel_ indeed. "It doesn't matter, I would find out soon enough." He stepped back from her. "Give your 'friend' my regards. Good evening."

She didn't move as he walked away, which pleased him even more. And as he faded into the crowd, he let her hear, "So soon, _Liebe_?"

The fulfilment of his mission had begun.

~~~

Hilde frowned. _What did that mean?_ So soon… "Just who in the world are you?" she hissed back.

But he was gone from her sight.

She still scanned his direction glaringly, but when she realized that the man she had danced with had left the place, she relaxed reluctantly. What was that all about? She shuddered as she placed her arms around herself, suddenly feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever. She didn't like what happened, and what it made her remember. It didn't seem so… safe anymore.

She knew what that meant.

Releasing a sharp breath, she bolted away from the dance floor, past the couples and the enjoying people. She needed to get out of there, to go back home. She needed to organize herself and understand what the other person meant, to decide whether he was a threat or not. But most of all, she had to find—

Hilde suddenly stopped. She then placed her hand on her neck, where… he had touched her. _Heero_. She then looked on miserably. Things between her and Heero hadn't changed, and were still indefinable. However, what had happened earlier pronounced everything more, and it intensified so many emotions, revealing some that she never even noticed existed. It had been wonderful, and she had felt so… complete, so certain. She was still bothered by how she felt, but that hadn't mattered. Yet, now… 

She still hadn't forgotten the look in his eyes when they had released each other. The way he viewed her – like he regretted everything that had happened. Like he hated every single moment, and every word that she had immediately cherished between them. It was like he didn't need her, but wanted so much to get rid of her. Hilde almost flinched. It was as if he had been revolted by staying there, with her—by even touching, let alone _dancing_ with her.

She stumbled as she tried to find her table. Yet, she hadn't released from her memory what had happened before that either. The mystifying joy she had felt when he held her close, how she forgot everything in his arms… or how he looked at her, and how he made her feel. She would never, ever forget how he thanked her, and how he had said her name, how his eyes looked.

Or how she felt as if he was the only thing that mattered to her.

She looked away and fought to ward off a choke. And the saddest, most disturbing fact is that she knew that such a moment would never happen again. She couldn't deny the truth, that he would start pushing her away again – that he wouldn't allow such senseless things, or feelings. It would be irreversible coldness and detachment once more, and it would be harder to live through.

What was happening to her? Since when did she worry so much about her relationship with someone?

She suddenly felt so alone. 

Hilde turned her mind elsewhere, not wanting to expound on the ache in her chest. She then remembered the man she had encountered.

_He called her 'Liebe.'_

Her eyes narrowed weakly. After so many years, to hear the word called to her was to remember the pain of her childhood, and she knew that she had to find out what the man had meant. The name still unnerved her, and he seemed to know it too, taking pleasure in the mockery of the endearment. That he seemed to know something about her was the reason she danced with him. She had immediately sensed danger, and realized that if the worst of her suspicions her true, then things would no longer be safe. And that meant…_To run once more—_

She then felt surging panic within her. She didn't want to do that – not with their warm home here, not with the kind people and their enlivening feasts, not with Nicky coming by each day to greet her, and not with Heero living with her –

She finally found her table and collapsed down the chair. She then shuddered, a strange well of emptiness and despair rising inside. She was too tired of hiding. She didn't want to run off again and look for places to conceal herself. It was getting too hard – attaching herself to places, then having to leave again. It was much more than her heart could bear.

It was difficult enough to wrench herself free from her fortunate and happy life in L2, even though she knew that she was doing it for the safety of the ones she loved, especially the Sweepers and Duo. It was them who have taught her to live, and him who made her love and dream. But despite that suffering, it was amazing that she gained a new, even pleasant life here, one which she thanked the Lord so much for. It was here that she was given hope for a clean and better future once more, here where she sought comfort and found it. In fact, if there were any time in her life that would compete, or even possibly be better than her time in L2, this would be it. And this rare happiness, this joy at truly living was all due to him, that one person who had also changed her life without realizing it…

_Heero._ A vision of him standing beside her, his unruly bangs brushing roguishly against his forehead, his Prussian eyes glittering brilliantly with inner passion and a rare, wry almost-smile on his harshly handsome face claimed her senses. Even the slightest raising of his brow, the littlest lifting of the corner of his lips, the barest glance from his eyes and the faintest sound of his voice distracted her.

Her eyes narrowed weakly. How did she feel for him?

She sighed, returning to her former thoughts. But was this simply cruel torment? Something soon to be torn away from her again? God knows, and He has reasons. It took the hardest time to accept this but she believed it with all her heart. She knew that it would be a very painful journey, the suspicious threat earlier had just proven that. And now she feared. This was how life would be for her from now on: always hiding, always watching behind her back, and always running—no matter how strongly she was attached to people. That was the life she was resigned to choose.

That was when Heero came to her mind, the person, who by sudden and puzzling habit, always conquered her thoughts. And suddenly, she smiled. Yes, it would be hard, but she could do it. With people like him believing in her, even being ready to help her, she knew she would be okay. She had a purpose, and that was her love for the persons who have been kind to her, and her desire for a good future for them. Duo, the Sweepers, Heero and everyone deserved so much more. And for that reason alone, she would accept her situation now and try her best. 

It would be very hard and painful, but knowing that she finally had a good reason for all that she was doing comforted her. She knew nothing was permanent, and being hurt was part of this, but she would have to be ready for them.

With renewed hope, Hilde stood up. Never mind that she was being chased after by a dangerous organization, that this day had been tiring, never mind that she and Heero were on confused grounds, and never mind that she had met with that unnerving man. She was going to have to face them.

And she had to start with herself, and her feelings and issues with someone. _I have to see Heero first._

Almost exactly as she had conjured those words in her thoughts, she saw his familiar silhouette disappear past a very distant corner. "Heero!" she gasped out, surprised. Her heart began to pound uncontrollably in her chest as she stood up. _He was still here!_ She assumed frantically. Now was the time. Abandoning her earlier thoughts, she ran off after him.

And the table was left deserted; her things forgotten and her drinks left cold.

~~~

"Heero, wait!"

But he paid no heed, simply walking faster. He ignored her like no other, as if she was the plague to his soul. Yet he could feel her as she followed him, as urging and despair began lancing through her voice. He could sense her, could almost see the image of her face as she called to him. And he sensed, more strongly than ever, his blasted weakness to her.

In her voice alone, he could understand her pain, could see the weakening of her usually bright eyes and the fading of her proud, snatching smile. Eyes that he couldn't get of his mind, a smile that would always drive him to distraction. And her voice, one that made him strive to do her every will. 

_Kuso._ Again and again, he would always give too much of himself to her. He was making himself too vulnerable to a person, someone who didn't even know the power she was slowly having over him. Someone who could hurt him, one he refused to accept. 

_Why did she have to follow me?_ He grated in his mind as he turned to pass through an alley. But he knew that hiding wouldn't stop her in her plight, she had always been much too stubborn and thoroughly determined. Didn't she know that they had to be apart now, that he needed to stay away from her? That they could end up only hurting each other?

It was so foolish, dancing with her, feeling as if he had everything he needed, as if he had found his life's fulfilment in that timeless moment when she laid her head on his shoulder and whispered his name. He had almost abandoned all masks and had nearly revealed all of himself, freely giving all just for her. He had allowed so many emotions to surface, so many hopes and dreams to rebuild themselves. All for her.

Then another man had come, shattering everything. He hadn't known whether to feel truly enraged at having something so precious yet so fragile infinitely broken, or relieved at having stopped himself just in time. It was too ironic, and unusual, even for himself. For once, he had grasped on to his vulnerability, had actually wanted it. And just the same, he still despised it, scorned the weakness it gave him.

Then the man took her. Everything lost and made sense.

He shut his eyes tightly, she had danced with the other man, hadn't she? Then why didn't she use her common sense and stay there? It was so easy… so easy for people like her to move on from one partner to the next, to hold on to something and just as quickly forget about it in life's endless waltz; all the while never knowing how they had affected that person, or those lives. She had effortlessly influenced him and exposed his deepest emotions, and just as easily left him to dance with another. She shouldn't have used him as someone to hold on to while no one had been there for her. She shouldn't have asked him to come to the useless dance, or to stay with her in the first place.

Not when it was going to hurt him so much.

Not when she was going to affect him to no end, not when she was making him _feel_ so damned much. 

Yet it had been him who moved away from her when the other man had interrupted. It was him who ignored her when she had called out for his name. It was him who willingly went to the dance to see her. It had been him who agreed to stay with her.

And it was him who started feeling that way, not her.

_Don't follow me_.

Yet it was all her fault. All her doing.

"Leave me alone Hilde." He bit out harshly as he saw their house in the distance. He then pondered on deciding whether he was going back there or not. He wouldn't want to be near her. 

"What have I done?" She answered back heatedly. "I need to talk to you. And I won't leave you now Heero, not until I know --" Then her voice faltered, agonizingly hesitant. He felt her look down, tired and distressed. "This is not how things should be going. I need you to listen to me Heero, please."

His eyes narrowed. Why, did she _need_ him once more?

He made no reply and simply walked away.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed as she gasped and shook her head disbelievingly. 

He barely heard her, but the sound tore through his heart.

And yet, he never looked back.

~~~

_And what is fear of need but need itself?_

_- _Kahlil Gibran, on Giving

~~~

The sky rumbled in the distance.

She had wanted to see him, to talk to him and to sort out her feelings. She had wanted to explain things and settle everything. Not this. She didn't expect to face with his rudeness once more, to be blocked by his intimidating anger, and to be pushed away by his wounding coldness. She didn't prepare to feel pain once more. This wasn't the same Heero she had held such high regard and affection for earlier. No, this was the side his enemies feared and his friends couldn't overcome. This was the face the Perfect Soldier wore, the one which had his assassin eyes and pilot's stoic face. This was part of him that refused anyone who tried to touch him.

And he was deliberately distancing himself again. And he was _walking…_

"Don't you dare, Heero." Hilde choked out as she clutched at her dress. "Don't you dare walk away on me now." Tears started forming in her eyes. Darnit – why now?

He slowly stopped, but he didn't turn to her. He was standing before their house. "And why do you say so?" He slowly whispered, his voice bitter, cynical.

His voice sent shards to her soul. It was so cold, so very different from that of the person she had grown to care for. She couldn't accept that Heero was doing this to her. She shook her head violently. "Just. Don't. Don't do it to me… not to me."

He didn't reply.

"Don't…" she began, her heart pounding painfully against her chest as she breathed deeper. She shook her head. For once in her life, she felt her heart and her head slowly uniting, and she was feeling powerfully out of control. Then slowly, Hilde said the realized explanation to what the two of them had been going through for the past few days. "Don't walk off on me, don't run away. Don't push me off like you had always done, especially whenever I felt like reaching you."

She saw him as he stiffened from before her, and she sensed the anger gradually rising within him. Yet Hilde didn't stop, not now – she had to let him know how she felt. "I came here to talk to you Heero. And I would accept your anger, if I knew the reason. And although I might never accept your hatred, I would prefer that from receiving nothing at all from you. Because that's what you always do. That's where you have—constantly hidden. And that is why I cannot reach you. Yes, as you had always done, not only to me, but also to everyone who dared to feel for you!

And wasn't that the truth? She asked herself, silently throwing the same question at him. Wasn't that what he was doing now, and what he had always done? Wasn't that the reason why he would always retreat under his mask of indifference and coldness every time they happened to be too close to one another? Wasn't that why he distanced himself from all people, even from the smallest affection all his life?

And yet, he never responded. No word, no gesture from the still form before her.

She felt herself drown as she watched his unmoving figure. _Then again, why would he?_ After all, it was him who asserted that he never felt anything. Her vision blurred at the thought. She had believed that maybe he would listen to what she had to say, or at least understand that she was trying to help him. And to think that she felt so much for him… Only her… it was only her who would end up suffering from the feelings she was plagued with. It was only her who was blindly experiencing so much because of him, just her who expected so much more from him and his emotions.

_Fool._

The revelation shook her to the core, leaving her unexpectedly vulnerable. And she couldn't stand the thought, as well as the intensity of the thousand sensations she was feeling all at once. It was all so foolish, all so weak, all so unlike her.

After all these times, after feeling so much, she still couldn't reach him.

She would probably never. _And who am I to hope?_ To think that earlier, he had been her inspiration. He had been her lifeline. Maybe she was presuming, no, asking for too much—expecting that he would listen to her, or allow himself to open up to her. That he would even give the slightest consideration to her words. And perhaps she was wrong to think that he would give up that much for her—her, who was probably of no such importance to him that he did not even give thought to hearing her out. There was strong difference between hoping and being blind to the truth.

She felt her mouth quiver at the thought.

She shook her head and thought to run to the safety of the house. _Anything_, she thought as she looked at the steps leading to the porch, _as long as he doesn't see me like this_. The idea hurt so much, and she dared not reveal that to him now. Her pride was the only thing keeping her on her feet. And it didn't matter that he was standing in the way, it didn't matter that she had so much to say. It was hopeless, he wouldn't care, anyway, wouldn't give a single thought to what she felt.

And she began to walk, determined to go on to the house. She struggled to keep her eyes straight, forward and her back stiff and straight, as she had done so many times before to show indifference. But this time, it was so unexplainably hard to do so… she had to force herself to avoid him as she crossed over at his shoulder. _Go on,_ she urged herself.

Suddenly, his hand snatched out to hold her arm in a painful grip. _No_, her eyes widened in panic_._"Please—" She turned to escape against Heero's tight hold but only succeeded in wincing as he painfully turned her to face him. _Stop._ Hilde gasped and shuddered as she tried to look away. Anywhere, just not at his eyes. 

His hold on her tightened as she refused to look his way, but he didn't seem to care anymore. "You—are _not_ her."

She stopped struggling.

And finally, she looked at him, not caring if the extreme pain in her heart reflected in her eyes. Releasing a sharp breath, she shook her head and staggered back.

_Not her._

Her body felt numb as she lowered her eyes. There it was, the affirmation to the truth she dreaded. She then closed them, not wanting to believe he said those words to her, words that sent a harsh blow to her soul. But even before she succeeded in doing so, she had already felt the burning beneath her eyes, coupled with the traitorous tear beginning to roll down her cheek. 

_Of course._

After all, she was not Relena Darlian Peacecraft. She was not the larger than life, seemingly perfect, wonderful person Heero loved. Everyone loved her, heck, even _she_ admired Relena for her strength and beautiful qualities. Hilde didn't have those, for she was stained. She didn't even _think_ she had beauty, inside or out. She had never been perfect, never been so kind, had never done so much for the people she loved.

She was nothing but the nuisance who had him caught with her own problems, no one but the careless, tainted girl who had done no good for him. She was just the person who intruded a lot and asked too much of him. She was simply the useless German girl who disturbed and irritated him to no end. A partner, a disturbance, and a burden.

After all, who _was_ she to him? What right had she to feel so much for him and ask for the same thing in return? Who was she to force him to open up to her? Who was she to expect that he would actually trust her, and then listen and believe to what she had to say?

And there she was, crying out to him, looking like a fool, when there was nothing at all. No wonder he had distanced himself away from her after that night when they had talked about love. It was because the moment, so special to her, had meant nothing to him. Did he actually tell her he believed in her? Were they all even true? Did they even have a relationship? She shook her head. It was the truth: all that she did, all that they had together was of no worth to him.

After all, she was not Relena Darlian and she was nothing to him.

And again and again… it hurt, so much more than it should.

"Please, let me go," she pleaded, her voice tired, sullen. She refused to acknowledge the wide look in his eyes. And she tried to struggle once more against his grip, yet he refused to release her. She trembled, what more did he want? Looking away, she asked him bluntly one more time. "Please."

"No," he choked out. His voice was constricted, as if his throat had been dry. As if he was suffering just as much.__

It was more than she could bear. 

She tore her gaze from the ground. "What more do you want, Heero Yuy? You've already given me your message, and I already understand." She shook her head blindly, "And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm so," she choked, her eyes clouding over. "I'm so, so sorry… I'm sorry I wasn't enough to even make you smile, I'm sorry I wasn't enough to help you."

She cried openly, damning her weakness before him. Feeling her pride break, she struggled to keep the emotion and accent in her voice, as she went on. "I'm sorry because all that I've been is a nuisance to you, and I'm even sorrier I cared so much for you. I'm sorry you hurt me, I'm sorry I envy her, and I'm sorry I'm not, and can never be her. Is that what you want?" She tried to drag her hand away. "Then you've won."

The extreme embarrassment and hurt welled up within her at her admission of having lost. She had never shown so much weakness in front of anyone—or for anyone. Even for Duo. Then it was followed by barely controlled anger. All her life, she had fought to defend her pride, her dignity – and having felt so much pain had never been new to her, yet always, always, as reflex, her anger would come to defend her.

But this time she had a good reason, she had a cause. Her eyes glinted as she took a deep breath and straightened herself. If he had his turn in telling her what he wanted to know, then, by her tattered pride, he would have to hear what she wanted to say, too. Things weren't simply about her. 

"But you know what, Heero? I'm also sorry—for you. It doesn't matter whether things are about her, me, or anyone else. It will always come back to you. I may not be her, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that it was _her_ fault you're like this, or mine."

Heero's eyes narrowed, but Hilde shook her head, "Because in the end, no matter how she had cared, no matter how we _all_ cared, you would always push us away – just as you'd done before, and just as you're doing now. I know you don't think I'm worthy, but that does _not_ account for what you have been doing, what you _are_ doing, and what you will be doing."

She took a deep breath and faced him directly, her eyes now shining with wounded, yet determined conviction. "Well I'll tell you something, pushing everyone away will keep you safe and strong. By God, I know that, I've felt that way too. Doing so would make you secure, no one would have the power to hurt you." She nodded, ignoring the hurt, steely look in his eyes. "But if you would give up that chance, the very, very rare chance of letting someone in, of letting someone love you and returning that same affection, then I pity you. I pity you for missing a very important thing. Because you will never experience that joy of knowing that people cared for you, that same pride that comes from knowing that these people also know that _you_ care and understand."

She shook her head and gave a bitter laugh. "You, Heero Yuy, will never hurt, but you will never feel joy either, because of what you are doing. How could you deprive your soul of so much, all because you're so damned scared? When at the slightest emotion, you draw back, at the smallest act of kindness, you suspect? When you push away even the littlest amount of genuine joy – all because of your fear? —And I care, I care enough to say these words to you even though I am not sure you're going to listen, even though I know it might hurt. Even though I know you might hate me more." 

Heero's grip finally slackened, and she drew her arm away. "And I'm sorry this had to come from someone not worth your attention."

Another rumbling was heard, this time overhead, more prominent, and small raindrops started falling around them. The storm had begun. Hilde gave him one last look, then placed her arms protectively around herself. She loved the rain, artificial or not, but hated being in the height of a storm. With her body stiffening rigidly against the cold and her hands shaking she turned to walk towards the house.

~~~

Heero watched her as she stumbled back to the house. She was wiping traces of tears from her eyes, looking terribly unnerved. He had said it, hadn't he? It finally came out—he had been comparing her to Relena.

_Kuso_, yes, it was the truth. But why did he have to damn lose control and say it out loud, openly showing his emotions? But she hadn't taken notice, for she had been too much in pain over those two words. And he couldn't believe it.

Yes, it was no use denying that he had matched the two of them, but not in the way she thought. He was always expecting, no _fearing_ them to be the same, that somewhere in their time spent together, Hilde would eventually give up on him, or grow tired of 'waiting' for him. That was what he thought had happened when she had danced with the other man. That was why he had told her that, to prove that she wouldn't be like Relena this time, that Hilde wouldn't be able to make him suffer as well. But he didn't expect her tears, didn't expect her exclamations.

He didn't expect to be hurt by her reaction to his words.

Yes, by goodness, he had been hurt, so much more than he had ever been hurt for so long, even more than what he had felt with Relena. Because what Hilde had said involved everything he had done, and was doing. It exposed so much about him… many ideas he had always refused to accept. She blatantly told him her observations on his emotions, and the harsh impact of the reality of her words gave such searing pain to his heart. It was to blame him for what had happened between him and Relena, him and his friends, him and Hilde, and between him and humanity. And it was to acknowledge the painful truth.

He struggled against the unfamiliar burning behind his eyes as he stared at her blurred figure. He was too vulnerable to her. She had that strong power over him, and she didn't even realize it. He couldn't accept that, and didn't want to comprehend that it had been her who brought the first urgings of tears within him. That it was Hilde who won over him, who brought out his worst insecurities, his innermost doubts.

_I pity you. You deprive your soul of so much, all because you're damned scared._

Again and again, she was correct about him, and had known things even he refused to believe. Always, it had been like that—and always, it was painful. 

He watched as the rain pattered against her, the soft splashes giving her an almost unearthly glow. Ironic, it was she who was walking away this time. It was him who turned out weak, the one who had lost.

_Iie._ No one could do that. No one had the right to do that to him. He couldn't let one person reign over him with such ease. Never had this happened to him, even his worst memories. Never had the fear of being hurt again been claimed by a true experience. He had to stand up, and he had to win. He couldn't let her…

Walk away…

It was him who should walk away, it was him who was supposed to never hurt. 

And yet _he needed her so much…_ No!

And with resolve, he spoke softly. "It's so easy for you to say that."

She whirled around to face him, her hands tight around herself, her eyes narrowed weakly with contained tears. At the same time, her image brought slicing pain to his heart as well, but there was that sadistic pleasure at seeing her suffer. _Good, let her hurt the same way I do._ "What did you say?" she cried out.

His eyes narrowed, and the own wetness behind his eyes was pushed away. "It's easy for you to speak, Hilde Schbeiker."

She shook her head tiredly, disbelievingly, and her eyes grew desperate. "What?"

"You speak so freely about letting go, about emotions, about me hurting others because of what I do, when it is _you_ who have always hurt others."

She released a sharp breath and stepped back, refusing to comprehend what he was doing to her. He gave a sadistic smirk. "And no wonder you are hiding from them. You'd gone to Duo Maxwell to help you, and now that he couldn't do anything for you, you've come to me. Does it _even_ matter that he is still searching for you now? And who's the next stop, Twenty-Six? The man you were dancing with?" He shook his head and gave a harsh laugh. "Just what is _it_ you do that always make people end up looking for you? Is it beautiful? Using people, them without a thought going on to cling to others? Is it rare? Does it make you proud?"

She had that unrealised ability to draw people to her, to make them like, and further, love her—with the simplest prompting, the smallest smile, with her bell-like laughter, through the brilliance of her teasing, dark eyes. And she left so easily, disregarded everything so simply. Was that why, Heero _knew_ in his heart, Duo was looking for her now? Was that why Heero was in pain just as well? And was that why, despite his efforts to prove his own strength to her by hurting her just the same, he still despised every tear that fell from her eyes, tears which he was sure was caused by him? That he was still weak and vulnerable against this unspeakable, vicious spell?

He sneered, at the bitter thought, then turned to face her again, set with his new scalding words. He chuckled lightly then raised his head—

Only to be met by her fist.

His head snapped back a bit. It wasn't a strong hit, merely her knuckles grazing his chin. Yet as he placed a hand to check his injury, an extreme soreness met his fingertips. He directed his vision to her eyes.

She was breathing deeply, and was crying before him, not bothering to hurt him. She began to speak, her German accent coating her words deeply. "By Deutschland, Heero! We've spent almost _two_ months together. And in those months I have grown to respect you, to care for you – to even _need you_, for crying out loud!" Her upset eyes were openly disgusted with him. "And I—I expected that you, that _you_ would give me even the _slightest_ of which in return. Even a little respect. And just because I turned to one man for a second, just because he had said something disturbing which took my notice, I already became a _user_? How could you—" She shook her head wildly, looking down. "How could you even _think_ of such a thing. I expected… more from you."

She placed her hands before her, gesturing to him. "I mean, what _am_ I, Heero, that I have to obtain such an opinion from you. What am I? What do I _have_ to be to gain even your smallest regard? Am I that cursed? Do you hate me that much?"

Hilde then stopped, then lowered her hands. Heero didn't even have time to think. He was much too bewildered by the hit she had given him, and by her continuous words. The open suffering she now refused to hide and the blunt disdain she showed him both kept him immobile. She only gave him a measuring look. "But _who_ are _you_, after all?"

She shook her head as she went to the opposite direction. "And to think that I even tried to help! That I thought you actually cared—that _I_ cared! To consider that I had placed all my hopes in you, that I _believed_ in you and all that you could be." She shook her head. "I can't believe that I was so wrong about you, that things would all come down to this."

Her eyes directly sought his. "Let me tell you something, Heero. In the end, you _don't_ deserve the thoughts I had given you."

Her eyes weakened in disappointment. "You don't deserve it."

She then spun on her heel and walked away.

Heero didn't react, simply holding his jaw with useless tenderness. He could only watch as he allowed the woman he so helplessly cared for to run away from him. Then he realized that he had succeeded in pushing her away, and that he had won. She hated him now: wasn't that he had expected, what he had wanted, what he had forced her to do?

Then why did it hurt so damn much?

~~~

_Much of your pain is self-chosen._

- Kahlil Gibran, On Pain

~~~

_Run._

She nearly slipped against the pavement, but ignored the pain in her ankle. Tugging violently on her shoes, she lifted them and went on walking. She rubbed her eyes, not being able to distinguish what she was wiping away, whether it was her tears or the rain. Her vision was so blurred, the place before her so veiled by the rain, but she went on. 

Nein. _Don't look back._

She sobbed weakly, then went on, dashing past the cars in the street, she had to get away, anywhere, as long as she was away from him. She didn't care that the coldness penetrated her insufficient dress, that the rough cement scraped her feet harshly, or that her head throbbed insistently; she headed towards the park. The trees there would cover her; the darkness would mask her.

She stepped into the grass and trudged past the greenery, ignoring the mud that slowly stuck to her wet skin. She still went on, seeking respite. His words had overwhelmed her. And she was—frightened.

_What if he was right?_

Hilde shook her head, refusing to acknowledge such a possibility. But the thought that he had accused her of such, that he had felt that way, was enough to hurt her, to make her doubt herself. The extreme disappointment she was repressing could very well harm her, and her broken hopes could bring her downfall. 

She shook her head blindly and shuddered, but did not stop in her walk. She could hardly believe their conversation, if one could term it like that. She didn't want to accept that they deliberately tried to hurt each other by playing on their weaknesses, that Heero dared tell her those words –

She shut her eyes tightly and sobbed as she nearly stumbled. She then reclined on a nearby, secluded bench and lifted her knees, hugging them to herself. Was she that much of a monster that he had to accuse her of using people? She could bear the thought that to him, she was insignificant, nothing compared to his Relena Darlian, though that hurt so much, but she could not put up with the fact that he thought so badly of her, that he despised her that much. 

She lifted her hand and stared at it, squinting in the darkness – she had believed that Heero accepted her for what she was, that he even cared for her despite her past. Yet, to hear that he thought she used other people said so much about how he regarded her, how much she actually disgusted him in spite of everything.

The First had warned her enough about that, making her feel like they were the most revolting race in the world, that she was someone who would never fit in out here. And even Heero, of all people, felt that way. 

She tore her eyes from her hands. But no, that wasn't true, what Heero had said had definitely no truth to them. Black Star definitely deserved Hilde's escape. The organization was wrong and as violent as it already was. And in Duo's case…

The rain fell violently around her, but the large leaves of the sheltering tree brought her some protection from its wrath. She then buried her face on her knees and decided to think, and to remember clearly despite the pain it could bring. She just _had_ to prove to herself, then to Heero, that she wasn't like that.

Hilde stared straight ahead and began. She knew that she wasn't perfect – _never_ was she perfect. She had made many wrong decisions due to her stubborn impulsiveness back then. A lot of times she ended up in trouble, she would admit. But she was proud to say that she knew how to get out of those ruts. Hilde upheld what was right and just with passion, for she had been deprived so badly of those before. And she was sure that she had always, _would_ always side with what was true and right. 

One of the mistakes in her life was growing up in Auschwitz, back in the _Base_, where she had learned deadly, harmful skills, where she had been taught how to kill, damage and corrupt. Back there, she had learned to never question orders and to be recessive. But what she had been drilled so many times to remember didn't keep her from questioning if what she was doing was right, or if there was meaning to her life.

Back then, her Instructor had been her life, teaching her to follow the dictate in public, and to learn and do what she wanted in private. She hadn't been the mindless automatons her cadet members were, and she knew that she could have been, if not for his hard but valuable interference. He believed her to be different—capable of so much more than being _Black Star's_ pawn, of emotions. She had been scared to accept such, but he believed enough for the both of them. The stubborn but lively curiosity within her, the passion for fulfilment and affection, for _life_ caused this. She had been forced to this kind of life, unlike the others who willingly joined it for their own dark purposes.

Thus he showed her what no one else possessed in the _Base_: compassion, kindness, faith and trust. He taught her to hope, and believed in her abilities, those which he knew would be best off used for better purposes, for life. He opened a new world for her, and sought to find a better environment for someone like her to grow in. And Hilde's increasing restlessness and search for meaning elsewhere proved her worthy in her Instructor's mind.

--_He regarded the wound on her tattoo openly, then slowly lifted his eyes to her pale, tear-streaked face. Her Instructor soon found his voice, and he didn't trouble himself with hiding the grimness in it. "You are bleeding."_ _--_

He was the one who told her that she _didn't_ belong there.

Hilde _knew_ that _Black Star_ was wrong, and she knew that she would have been corrupted, and would also corrupt others, had she not taken the scant four seconds of opportunity to escape. No, she couldn't have used _Black Star_—she wasn't even worth following after, she was too insignificant. They only thought her a meddlesome little fire that could grow to eat at them, or probably another pawn they still had a use for.

Hilde placed a trembling hand on the scar on her shoulder. No, she didn't regret leaving _Black Star_, no matter what Heero had meant.

And that brought Duo Maxwell to mind. Hilde took a deep breath, her heat starting to pound with strength at his name. Then the easing calm brought about by his memory soothed her. Just thinking of him made her smile, and yet ache so much at the same time. How could she not love him? 

OZ had been another attempt at life for her. It was through OZ that she had decided to fit in to the world her newly found freedom gave her. She had so many dreams—of a place without corruption, without fear and oppression, with life, where she and her Instructor would live without inhibitions of pain, revenge and death. She sought to gain the life she never had, one which didn't consist of always watching behind your back, or always being wary of people. She had wanted life, not the death she had been forced to endure in Auschwitz: it had been as simple as that. But she had been released to a world troubled with war, and through her neophyte eyes, OZ had been her opportunity. Through stopping the war, she would go one step closer to achieving her dream. And she worked with passion, earnestly wanting to defend the colonies that protected her from the harshness of her past and origin. She never wanted to return to Auschwitz.

Then Duo Maxwell walked into her life, not-so-subtly throwing to her face the mistake that she had once again entered in. OZ was a farce, a self-serving organization that spent more trouble on their own affairs rather than actually supporting the colonies. It was hard to accept that her chances had all been put to waste, that the first step she had taken to achieve the life she wanted had been the wrong one. She had entered OZ with the proud confidence of someone on an exciting and fulfilling mission; she ended up in their prison cell. It was the first time she had summed up all of the cusses she had ever known on one person. It wasn't so much Duo Maxwell, but the reality of her failure, the one which he showed to her, that angered her. It was hard to accept her fate… yet she knew, with pride, that siding with him had been correct, and was one of the best decisions she had ever made in her life.

But the most amazing fact was that he'd come back for her.

Hilde felt grateful tears filling her eyes in remembrance. He had come to take her home; those were his words. She had never experienced such kindness from someone, much less a stranger before. Even her Instructor had masked his affection for her. Yet Duo Maxwell didn't mind her past, or whatever it was that she had done, or could do. He came back and saved her from her own mistakes, offering her the first real solitude she could come to in her life. He gave her life. Behind that mischievous attitude was her rescuer.

_It doesn't matter what they say, Hilde. I'll make your dreams come true._

It was amazing, and whenever Hilde remembered their life together, those words would always be her first sentiments. After a lot of trouble, (she gave a strangled cough as she remembered her sickness, their arguments, and the beer house fight she got involved in), he took her to his home, to a makeshift family—the people who rebuilt her life again. It was in living with them that Hilde learned to put down her defenses. When Hilde had first stepped into L2, she was still wary, and very, very temperamental. That was the attitude she had developed towards other people in the _Base_, and without really knowing it, it had been her way of protection from the strangers in this world and the hurt they could very well give her. She had been too familiar with pain and defending herself against it that she wasn't able to recognize genuine kindness. As a result, she feared emotions brought about by the kind-heartedness of others. She didn't have much of a problem with that in OZ, but that proved to be a difficulty with Duo and the men. 

It had been hard at first, but as a result, she had been truly grateful for the presence of the men and cared for them as well. They were the first persons other than her Instructor to put up with her, and because of that, she began speaking freely and opening up to them. It had been a different story with Duo, since the powerful emotions that came to her whenever she was with him was much harder to accept and control. Strangely, he understood her, and was the only person who caused her to lose control and break down. He had voluntarily taken it upon himself to help make her dreams come true. And it had been hard… feeling so much for this person, yet still being scared of the results of such. The effect was their endless bickering. Bickering, which soon ended when Howard openly explained to her how he thought she was in love with Duo, and when Duo entered into rage mode when a fellow Sweeper kissed her in an innocent game of Truth or Dare.

Hilde gave herself a small laugh as she embarrassedly remembered the event. After which, the scales seemed to have balanced themselves, since Duo started having revelations about his own feelings, himself. Those months were torture for her, and Hilde would never forget them—how she stayed away from Duo, and how he avoided her as well. It didn't help that she almost died in an unbidden sacrifice to help him in his righteous cause. Hilde wanted to help, to at least contribute something right to the gain the world she wanted, and she did so, but she gained more than she had bargained for. The injuries she had received in her plight to gain invaluable data for him were life threatening; one could easily tell by the way he angrily ranted and raved at her when he saw the blood on her face. After that, he had resignedly distanced himself from her even more. His return from the second war didn't change his attitude towards her.

And it had hurt. The more time she spent with him, the more she had to endure the knowledge that she was weak and helplessly falling for him—the more pain she received. And it seemed as if he didn't care… spending time with other people, even _women_, and suddenly forgetting her. In a hurried self-debate, she had decided to move out of their home, wanting to ease the inner suffering she was feeling. The men had been outraged, not wanting their girl to 'abandon' them. But what she had to face before them was nothing compared to Duo's wrath. He hadn't wanted her to leave, yet he treated her as if she didn't exist. Hilde had been wrought with frustration, what was it that he wanted from her?

He took a threatening step towards her, "No bloody way are you leaving this place." She raised her head, now crying out openly."Don't you understand? The nearer I get to you…the—longer I stay with you, the more it hurts."

He let her go after that, refusing to ask for any more explanations. And Hilde, as determined as she was, quested on the perfect apartment: suitable enough for her, something payable, and _near_. She could only go so far… she could never survive long without the new family she had learned to love. And the day she chose to move, the men didn't hide their displeasure. Howard had approached her and had asked her to reconsider. _She glanced at the window to the room Duo refused to come out of, "I have to look for my dream."_ The dream she had once sought to find in him, yet knew she would not discover unless she left.

Things were all ablur after that. She didn't know what Howard and Lot had told Duo, but whatever it was prompted him to follow her to the new place and demand her to return to them. It had been very difficult to maintain her composure and pride, all the while trying to explain how she felt for him and why she had to move away. But he shunned them all and then began on his own explanation; his anger at the thought that she had left to find the dream she needed, one he supposed she no longer found in him.

-- _"Look, I know, and admit that I have many faults, and I will not deny that I've made many mistakes. I made one when I hurt you by calling you stupid because you almost sacrificed your life for me. I made another when I ignored you because of what I felt for you. My most foolish mistake was when I let you go. But I damn well wouldn't make another one by breaking my promise to help make your dreams come true. I'm sorry—I can't let you go, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Hilde. I love you." _--

Hilde shut her eyes once more, who could leave after hearing _that_? She soon found out about his past, his fears and insecurities. She learned about the gentle Father Maxwell, and the loving Sister Helen… the only loved ones a child could find in a war-torn world. He wasn't so different from her, having suffered through his childhood as well. But Hilde didn't expect his fear of losing her as well. It was all she could do not to fall into pieces before him, or try to beat some sense into the idiot she so hopelessly loved. Yes, she was in love. She _loved_.

And it was because of that same reason that she had left him and L2. When she started receiving threats, her life made an absolute turnabout. The past she so wanted to forget seemed to have caught up with her, as if with the intention of ruining all that she had built during her years of freedom. When the agents from _Black Star_ had learned that someone was protecting her, even suspecting that she was involved with him, they decided to include him in their threats. Hilde didn't want to involve Duo in her own problems—he had suffered enough from his own past. That was why she left, to protect him. She loved him so much that she was willing to sacrifice her happiness with him to give him back the life he had offered her in the start. She had been so selfish, dreamingly hoping that she could evade the influence of her past forever, thus keeping close ties with Duo and the Sweepers. But things turned out to be different, and she knew that she had to stay away from them to keep them safe. The suffering she was feeling now was her own fault. The dream she had wanted floated once more out of her grasp.

Hilde opened her eyes. Now, had she _used_ them? 

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her knees and burying her head in them. She didn't want to use them—she didn't. But Hilde couldn't deny the truth that Heero mentioned… that she actually hurt them. That was why she was still hurting, herself. But she cared for them, loved them, _dreamed_ for them—

Hilde halted in her thoughts. _Dreams._ Her eyes widened in the glaring revelation. Yes, it had been her dreams—dreams that connected everything and everyone who mattered in her life together. All of her life, those dreams had been the direct goal she sought, the ones which motivated her to go her distance. Because of her dreams as a child, she was able to _live_ despite the _Base_'s gruesomely stoic environment. In her search for the fulfilment of those, she gained the daring guts to leave _Black Star_ behind. It had been that quest which sustained her throughout all the suffering she had to endure. It was this, which enabled her to love her new family, and live, grow and be happy with them. And the dreams she shared with Duo brought them together. It had been her constant hope, the thing she clung to which kept her going. And every night she prayed to God that she would never lose the will to find that fulfilment. In fact, it was the most definite cause God gave her to make her survive, and in the end, it might be the only thing left for her.

And now, it seemed that these dreams were the only things she had left, once more. Heero positively _hated_ her now… Her heart still pounded furiously at the thought. That might be true, but in herself, she knew, with all honesty, that she wasn't what he accused her of; imperfect, yes, sometimes stupid and selfish, but she had loved—and never used or played around anyone. Most especially not Duo.

The rain still fell around her, this time more gently, as if mocking her with the memories she had with Duo in it. _Damn it, Heero!_ She thought furiously to herself. Did he think that what she had to endure all of her life had been easy? Didn't he know how desperately hard it was for her to let go of Duo, when all she wanted to do was stay with him for all that eternity was? Didn't he realize how this sacrifice made her suffer, or that she despaired about Duo each and every night? She had given up so much, even the smallest semblance of achievement of her long-sought dreams, for Duo Maxwell's safety. She knew that Duo could be suffering too, but didn't Heero know that whatever Duo could be feeling right now was _nothing_ compared to the pain she felt?

Hilde buried her head in her hands, confused and still angered at the same time. How could he? How could he accuse her of _that_? And she had foolishly believed that they actually _shared_ something. The words he told her and the sudden transformation in his attitude all but frustrated her. Did this mean that everything between them has been severed? Would he abandon her this time? _I don't know want to hope anymore…_

She shut her eyes, trying to find answers amidst her constant frustration. Firm voices soon edged their way into her thoughts.

_"_Arigato,_" his voice filtered into her ear, "For… everything." No, Heero. Thank you. _Danke_. You don't know how much._

_Just don't let me go… "Never." There was a stirring quality in his voice…_

_"You always make me do stupid things." She could almost feel him smile when she wasn't looking._

_ _

_"Hilde," he murmured to her, "more than anyone, you can do it."_

_ _

_"Do you realize," he began quietly, a trace of amusement in his face, "that you call me 'Pilot' whenever you think I am mistaken?"_

_ _

_"You are wrong, Hilde. You are alone. That is why I am here_."

_I am not leaving you._

Heero's former words bombarded her senses. Those were the words that comforted her, amused her, gave her joy and made her feel worthy… of life. And they all came from Heero Yuy, himself. How could that be? And how could she still feel so much for him, give him such high regard despite their argument? Why did she feel just… so disappointed?

And Hilde opened her eyes and released a deep breath, urging herself to be truly honest. Because hating him meant letting go of something special, something she cherished, regardless of what Heero thought. _What a dump,_ she tortured herself bitterly. He had insulted her and made her feel so inferior compared to the woman of his dreams… and yet deep down inside, she still felt the same way, foolishly holding on to the better parts of their relationship. And Hilde actually trusted those instincts.

_But_… it just didn't fit. Heero, for all his contradictions, held on to what he stood for. She knew, _truly_ believed (here we go again, she cynically berated herself) that Heero genuinely meant whatever he'd said to her. He was never one to spout off insignificant words. Then why the sudden change in opinion? What was it that caused the change in him?

_And who's the next stop, Twenty-Six? The man you were dancing with?_

She gasped. Had it been…

Hilde's mind started whirling with what she had deduced in spite of her sour hopes, and it didn't take long to generalize a fact that she had no need for proof to believe.

Heero had always been defensive. He feared weakness; he despised being hurt. She found that out soon enough, and it had been affirmed in their argument. It was hard to get him to show even the slightest of emotions, and she knew very well that she was privileged to witness the liberties he allowed with her. The slightest smiles were rare and his kindness was always unexpected. He never revealed worry or concern, and she was lucky enough to see witness both from him during their time together. He had been very unstable in the first part of their relationship, which meant that it was after that when Heero began opening up. She knew that the main reason for his pain was Relena Darlian, I wasn't hard to deduce that. But he seemed to be healing before her, and he trusted her enough with that. Hilde was very happy with that fact. And what the two of them had shared as they were dancing earlier—that rare, precious moment, further affirmed that.

Had he gotten insecure because she had left with the other man? Did he think Hilde would easily forget him as easily as Relena Darlian seemed to have done? She _was_ his friend! Did he think she would intentionally leave him after—seeing someone else to help her? No wonder he had said those words… Her eyes narrowed empathically, _Heero_… always scared of being hurt… That explained why he'd pushed her away. _Can't you understand that I won't hurt you?_

Hilde then raised a palm to her forehead and sighed. _I just did._

Because of her own anger, she had neglected to notice what Heero had been doing: defending himself against his own insecurity by pushing her away and hurting her. She knew that it was the truth, because whether he liked it or not, that was how she had been once, too. And that was exactly what she had just done with him—she tried to salvage her pride by hurting him and walking away as well.

And even despite all of this, she no longer trusted herself to know whether it was the actual truth or just her blind hopes again.

~~~

_You fear. You fear so much, and as a result you will hurt her._

Fear. He would never admit fear to anyone. He had never feared before, at least not this much. Not to the extent that it would get the best of him and conquer all rationality. But Heero Yuy now acknowledged fear. It was the fear of trusting, of caring, and ending up being hurt in the end. Hilde had pointed it out with stunning accuracy. Safety, he felt safe in isolation. Safe, but not entirely comforted. Unhurt, but unhappy just as well.

And he had been so used to that state of neutrality that it had been so hard to leave it. Every time he trusted, every time he gave too much of himself, he ended up suffering, and being vastly out of control. And it was hard, hard to give himself, hard to have faith in others… to trust and to hope. It took him two years to do that before, and the fall had been painful. He had the right to fear.

But not her, he told himself. Hilde had no fault when it came to what Heero felt about her, not yet, anyway. And when he saw her with someone else… it had been an agonizing reminder of the feeling of losing a person to someone else.

He didn't even give her time to explain.

As if he had the right to have her explain such to him.

And he feared once more. Goodness, how he hated the blasted feeling. And it was that which pushed him over the edge. She had such authority over him, knowing exactly how he really felt and exposing his weaknesses. And she made him feel so unexplainably much… and the risk of losing again to one person asserted itself. And he had lashed out—only on the intent of hurting her like she seemed to hurt him. 

_Masaka_, it had been so long since he'd last lost control to fear and anger, and much longer since he had seen—or felt his own—tears.

Maybe, if it hadn't been for that fear, he wouldn't have neglected to notice that unlike what Relena had done because of him, Hilde hadn't want to leave him, or forget, in spite of his insults. Despite his obvious fury, she still pushed on, telling him words that, he now realized, were for his own good. And still, he went on, using her weaknesses and insecurities to hurt her further, thus defending him from the reality of her words, and protecting him from the pain.

And now, by right, he had feared, and as a result, had hurt her.

And so, he suffered as well.

Heero Yuy had lost at his own game. 

Heero gave himself a bitter chuckle, oh the irony of it all. He was the Perfect Soldier, the one who never made mistakes, who completed every mission without difficulty. And yet, he always made the biggest errors whenever it came to his own life. He couldn't repair things now.

Heero watched as the rain fell idly around him. And the sparse vapor in this colony just had to evaporate, _and_ activate the maintenance rain showers right now. It was as if the whole universe wanted to mock him. He lifted a palm and caught water drops in them. Rain. 

Numb. Just like before, when he had wanted to run away from the pain of leaving Relena Darlian. When he had been commiserating on his misery and Hilde had appeared before him, like a sent helper, and demanded him to come with her.

Heero shut his eyes tightly, willing to numb himself once more. He had to shut them all out if he wanted to live through this. He could always make it on his own, needing no help. He would make it through this.

_She accepts you, and she understands._ _Iie_, he had only made it through because she had been there for him, helping him forget and making him hope, among other things.

_Yamero._ But Heero couldn't block her off his mind.

He angrily lifted his lids and tiredly stared over the distance. Where in the world _was_ she? It had been three hours already, and it was almost midnight. Heero stopped short of being worried. She was probably somewhere in the rain, cold but undaunted. And she would go anywhere, as long as it was away from him. She may not have wanted to leave at first, but he had pushed her. And now, he had lost her.

_Pilot, you are stupid._

"Heero…" a soft voice whispered. He vaguely heard the footsteps coming to stop in front of the porch. 

And he lifted his eyes. Prussian met midnight blue eyes. She stood there before him, wet from the rain. She stared at him, not flinching. "Hilde."eero H

~~~

They both weren't sure of what to say. Hilde had to keep herself from reacting when Heero's intense stare bore into her. It took all her control, and her guts, to come back here and face him again. But now that she was here, she couldn't speak. _I don't even know what I'm supposed to say._

But she would not walk away, not from the man who watched her hesitantly, struggling vainly to hide the confusion, not to mention anger, and worry she saw in his eyes. She was unsure of many things, but of this, she was certain.

She finally tore her gaze from his eyes. _Goodness,_ was he seeing her as she, him? To her, he seemed so vulnerable. But Hilde wouldn't deny that same feeling within her. She shook her head and released a deep breath. He had the power to hurt her, but she couldn't fear him now. She knew she had that same power over him, to some degree – and she didn't want to dwell on that.

Hilde finally walked up the steps leading to the porch, moving from the rain. It was so cold, but being near to him despite their misunderstandings made her feel warm. _Strange_, she amended in her mind. And even with this, she still hadn't lost control.

"What are you doing here?" Heero finally asked, his voice was steady, but unsure.

Hilde noted that, and couldn't stop herself from giving him a small smile when she answered his question. She had never seen him so… reluctant before, and wanted to ease that badly. "I live here." 

"Aa," he acquiesced quietly. She tried to look at him, pushing away his earlier words from her head to prevent the return of her pain, but he hid his face away and looked elsewhere.

_Auch._ Hilde resolved to go on simply, resuming her jovial cheer to break the ice. She was still uncertain but she had to try… "What _are_ you doing here, Heero? Don't you think it's rather cold…"

The way he succinctly glanced at her wet clothes was a sufficient comeback and she blushed. "Okay, okay. What I meant was, why aren't you inside?"

His stormy Prussian eyes snapped back to her, coloured with a mixture of disbelief, bewilderment and some fear. "Don't you want me to leave?"

She almost reeled back at his question. "What?" Was she actually right? Was he really that unsure of their relationship? _Nein!_ Would she even consider such a thing? She might have been really hurt, but stupidly, she could never bring herself to hurt Heero intentionally again. 

She shook her head and answered his gaze with one that was as certain as he was in doubt. "No." _Heero…_She tried to turn the conversation elsewhere, fearing her own reaction to his indecision. "Well—I _do_ want you to go, inside that is. You should get your rest. I know you must be tired," the slow grin on her face grew, "what with me dragging you around the town the whole day. We both should get our forty winks." As if conspiring to make an irony, a drop of rainwater fell onto her damp nose from her bangs. "Darn it, I am so wet."

Despite himself, Heero allowed himself a small smile, and Hilde gave a little laugh. It was so amazing how well they got along whenever they set their petty arguments and insecurities aside. She winked at him and headed to the door, thus provoking a seemingly puzzled but pleased look. Yet he didn't relinquish all of his doubts, so it seemed, since he called out from behind her. "I don't understand. Why?"

Hilde paused on her steps. She could not blame Heero for being frustrated. She was feeling the same way as well. She was beyond hesitant, terribly uncertain and had no definite idea what to do or say. She took a deep breath and answered the only thing she was sure of. "I am not leaving."

Silence permeated the air, and stillness accompanied it perfectly. Hilde closed her eyes, recalling a moment when some time, somewhere, Heero had once said those very words to her. She wondered about what he was thinking now. Was he as relieved as she had been?

Then, his unsteady, even more bewildered voice trailed to her ear. It wrenched at her thoughts. "Then I would have to—"

"I don't want you to leave, Heero." She said calmly. There. "Not unless you want to. There is no need for anyone to go. We've promised to go through this together, and by goodness, we will do so. No one's abandoning anybody, okay?" Hilde then sighed, fearing she was giving the wrong message. She turned to face him. "But if you really want to go, I can't stop you. Only one thing's for sure… I don't want you to—and I have to repeat, I'm not leaving you."

She saw his posture relax, and watched the softening of his eyes in wonder. _Dear God,_ she prayed she was right about her earlier thoughts and resolutions. Yet Heero still went on. "Still, about what happened…"

She shook her head, cutting him off. Another hesitant smile rose to her lips. "Heero… I will not deny that what happened, happened. I will not forget that, or say that I haven't been hurt, or tried to inflict pain in return… It really _did_ hurt, and—it still does, I am sorry to say." She paused, struggling for the right words. "But I prefer not to talk about it, or to continue whatever it was until I… am ready. Till I can understand, accept, and believe—and I'm not sure I can just yet. I just have to… follow my instincts, hope that they are right, and try to fix things up."

She didn't want to look at him after that, still fearing that her hopes were wrong, that he really did mean his earlier words and intended to leave her. When silence filled the milieu again, she moved off, and tried to push hope back into her suddenly thundering heart.

"I didn't…" she heard Heero say, but his voice was muffled. Hilde turned back to him and raised her brow, "What was that?"

Heero struggled with his words, his hands raising before her, then faltering in their movement. In spite of herself, Hilde smiled. _Adorable._ And with that, she knew that in her heart, he was redeemed, and that she needed no more words. She placed a hand on his cheek, then stepped away.

Heero's eyes widened at the contact, and when she withdrew, he immediately grabbed her hand. "You might think that I did… I just want to say that… I might have tried to, but I really didn't want to hurt you."

The widespread insecurity in his expression, coupled with the hesitant hope glimmering in his intense blue eyes caught Hilde's attention. Heero, she didn't know him all that much, but she felt his sentiments welling in her as well. And unbelievably, but fortunately, she felt something of strength within her, and that was joy, a joy that she knew she would share. 

"I was hoping it would be that." 

Unknowingly to Heero, his grip on her wrist tightened, this time in comforting relief. Hilde allowed another laugh. She wasn't sure about what happened earlier, or what Heero had meant and if they were true. But she was going to tuck away in her mind this event. It will surely make up for their argument, and remind her of what she had learned about Heero because of it. She grinned mischievously. "Besides, you're too much of a Grudge, and I, too 'boisterous' for us to argue. It's pointless."

She eased her hand from his hold and in turn grasped his hand. She then dragged him to the door. "And besides, we're both really, really _wet_ and tired. This can turn out worse than PMS."

And momentarily, Hilde shut her eyes once more. _Maybe he did deserve everything after all._

End of Chapter 8

Guys! For thank you's and very important notes about this fic, please see the next AUTHOR'S 

NOTES on [http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam/myfics/gwinauthor2.htm][1]

Or visit my site at: [http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam.html][2]

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	11. Part 9: -I wanted to see you smile.-

In the Arms of Destruction Part Nine: The Long Wait

In the Arms of Destruction Part Nine: The Long Wait

Heero Yuy had been through a hard life. One that was unspeakable in terms of all that he had been through and all that he had become. What he had been through was beyond explainable. All his life, pain, suffering and death had accompanied him; as a result he had become numb to them, even reaching the point when they were all that he knew, all that he understood. He had arrived at that point where he actually took pleasure in the torment, and inflicting such on other. He had needed salvation, but was so unfamiliar with the concept that it always evaded his reach. He felt that he was beyond being saved – no longer human, no longer capable of life, of joy and kindness, but most of all of love.

All these he bore on his shoulders and hid beneath indifferent eyes. All of these, he tried to ignore, to push away. And deep within, he had been resigned to the fact that there was no longer hope. But he convinced himself that he would not care, as no one ever had. He would not care for the saving he needed, the saving he was very unfamiliar with.

And yet, as Heero raised his eyes, there stood before him a person, smiling at him. Though she was not the most beautiful person in the world, she seemed to radiate a beauty that was meant for his eyes only. An inner majestic beauty, the one of her soul, one that prodded him, that made him _believe_ that there was still hope. 

For she was smiling at him, with an expression that cared, with eyes that viewed him as if he deserved to live. Her hand held his shoulder in a gentle grip, one that did not fear who he was. She was leading him into the home she made for him. She made him feel human.

But she had also incited emotions he had never felt before. She made him laugh, made him worry. With her, he'd felt innumerable exasperations and irritations. Yet with that, there had been joy, elation even, and affection. She made him feel as if he was capable of kindness and gentleness, of sensations he had never thought possible within him. And thus, she made him _know_ he was human, after all.

And even with all of Heero's imperfections, all of his past demons, problems and his emotional detachment, she still stood with him. She wasn't leaving. Instead, their bond seemed to strengthen; their relationship became firmer.

What a big surprise.

Could Heero actually find what he needed in her? Would he really be lucky enough as to be renewed by her? He—

"Let's go home, Heero." Hilde Schbeiker whispered tiredly, but joyfully. She tugged on his arm and dragged him before the door again. Even with their most painful argument yet, they were still together – she still noisy, he, still the 'grudge.' 

_Surprise, indeed._

"We're going to wet your brand new carpet."

She wrinkled her nose at the thought, but a thoughtful smile replaced her expression as she looked away, "It's worth it. We have other things to be thankful about. At least we're still wetting it _together_."

And right at that moment as he watched her, Heero felt something within him… unfurl. He stared at Hilde's hand on his arm, then closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhilarated. This new emotion was something he couldn't name… yet. It was so brilliant, so fresh that it almost intimidated him. Yet the wonder was that it actually existed, that it was there, though still very fragile. And this precious thing could grow into something more, could incorporate itself into reality. 

But though Heero accepted, even rejoiced in its presence, he still refused to dwell on it. It was too soon. But he was hoping that he would be able to face it when the right time came.

And this time, he didn't fear.

Then Hilde gasped, and his thoughts immediately scattered.

"What is it?"

She turned to him, her eyes growing in panic, "I don't have my keys."

Heero frowned. "I have mine."

"_Nein_," she struggled out, revealing her loss of control. "It's not that." At his prodding look, she shook her head. "They keys were in my coat, and I left it in my table back at the Park Square." Her eyebrows drew together in hurried concentration. "I completely forgot about it when I saw you."

Heero glanced at his watch, "It's twelve o'clock already. We can look for it in the morning; if it's not there, we can always get you another coat." He bit his lip, trying to ignore the worry rising rapidly within him. It was unusual.

Hilde shook her head blindly, tapping her side as if to scold herself. "No, it's not that. I left the beret as well."

"The beret?" Heero repeated, sounding confused.

"Yes, the beret," Hilde answered absently as she started pacing. "I can't believe how stupid I had been. Why, of all things, did I leave the _beret_?" She drew out exhaustedly. "I have to get it, by Deutschland, if it's the last thing I have to do. Instructor would kill me, and I would never forgive myself… _Dumm_!"

Heero glared at her as he grabbed a hold of her shoulders. "You're talking to yourself again. Calm down!"

Hilde immediately stopped. She released a deep breath and closed her eyes, holding her hands over his as she did so. The action seemed to calm her, and Heero patiently waited until she could explain the situation to him. 

"I'm sorry Heero," Hilde sighed as she opened her eyes. "I just—I _need_ to get that beret back, right now. It means too much to me." She flashed her eyes over the road. "You should get your rest. I'll just have to go back to the Park Square and ask for it."

Heero had been dumbfounded to silence, though Hilde didn't realize this as she nimbly extricated herself from his grip. "I may not have the umbrella yet, cause Nicky borrowed it earlier, but I have to get it now. By my name, I'll look for it until I find it." She repeated with conviction, anxiety still marring her eyes as she went down the steps and back into the rain.

It was then when Heero finally regained control of himself and angrily stalked over to stop her. What in the world was she thinking? "Hilde."

"Don't worry Heero, just stay put and rest. You need it!" She called out as she walked off in the rain, thus angering him more. He caught up with her in a few strides. 

"Where do you think you're going?"

Hilde didn't back down from his furious gaze, but he could tell it disturbed her. A plea appeared on her face. "Back to the Square. Please, Heero, I have to…" But she faltered a bit, suddenly clutching at her head as she almost collapsed, falling to hold onto his shoulder.

This time, Heero didn't bother to hide his anger. "This _has_ to be one of your stupidest, most impulsive decisions Hilde. You _are_ tired," he began harshly, glaring as she gave a resigned sigh. "Exhausted. You are on the point of fainting. You are cold, fatigued, and distraught, and if you happen to forget, it is already _midnight._ Now," he finished as held her, "tell me what you get from that."

Slowly, a weak, almost sheepish grin appeared on Hilde's face. "I… I should look for it in the morning?" But she turned her face to the side, nearly hiding from him the very worried look on her face. Heero then knew that she didn't like the truth very much. 

He sighed. "Hilde Schbeiker, more directly, it is a command for you to get to bed. And then, _we_ will look for the cap in the morning."

"But—" she immediately protested. But then she paused, and her eyes suddenly brightened, "We?" she asked hopefully, if not a bit wryly.

Heero didn't miss the slight teasing in her voice. Sighing, he released her and started muttering a few choice phrases under his breath. Hilde couldn't stop a giggle. She nudged him with her elbow and whispered cheerfully, "I make you do stupid things?"

Heero snorted, and she laughed again. The sound lifted his own soul, and he shook his head at the new thought. He watched her dancing eyes, but didn't forget what caused his seriousness. "Inside. Now." He pointed to the doorway.

Immediately anxiety returned back to her eyes. "But, Heero, I really—"

"Don't question my orders, Hilde. Just do it." Heero said, firmly ignoring her objections. Yet he still couldn't erase how easily she lost control earlier. The beret seemed too valuable to her…

Hilde sighed, then turned to do as he said. But before doing so, she gave an uncertain look back to the street, as if regretting not having to look for her beret that moment. 

But then she looked back to him, and before he knew it, she had approached him and given him a tender, but strong hug. "Thank you, Heero, for putting up with me." She whispered. "And most especially, for doing many stupid things for me."

Heero's eyes, once wide because of her incredible gesture, now softened due to her words. He placed a hesitant hand on her head, and found himself running them through her soft hair. A small smile played on his lips. Stupid things, indeed.

Before he could say anything, she moved away from him. Giving him one last smile, she headed back inside to the house. Heero prevented himself from smirking when he noticed her unsteady steps.

When she disappeared past the stairs, he found himself whispering faintly to her, so softly that the words were barely discernible, "Me, too." 

He glanced at his hands, still feeling the softness of her locks brushing softly against it. He could still smell her delightful scent around him. In a strange way, Heero felt as if something had been lifted from his shoulders. 

He then recalled the source of Hilde's worry, then glanced down the road.

She might not have known it, but Hilde had gotten him again to do another stupid thing.

Heero sighed and went to look for the beret.

~~~

"You mean Sig? He lives just on the outskirts of Tirrill, somewhere on section H67—commonly called Kurland Street, I think. It's not hard to find, once you see a large brick building, turn to the alley on it's right side, the first door you find will be his pad. It's not on the richest sector of this town, you know—quite a dank place, but it's all right. I've been there once." The blond fellow explained lazily.

Heero only nodded, then went on with his way. Suddenly, one of Hilde's constant naggings reached him. He turned back to the person. "Thank you."

The man, who had been slightly unnerved by Heero's silence, now smiled. "Sure thing. By the way, don't be intimidated by Sigfreud. He might look all that big and intimidating, but don't challenge him and you'll be okay. You're lucky he's probably still up at this hour."

Heero nodded at the warning, but the guy went on. "After all, he only took the hat because no one claimed it. He wouldn't keep it from you."

At his final words, Heero impatiently waved a hand away then continued on his walk. This was the third person he had been referred to for the past hour. The Square café was barely closing when Heero had arrived, and the owner had pointed him from one person to another, leading him on a merry goose chase. Finally, he found someone who could point to the beret; unfortunately, it was still raining harshly.

He walked steadily against the windswept showers and continued on his plight. He could finally reach Hilde's hat. It was still too cold, but he'd been through worse. It was a _very_ good thing that his destination was just nearby.

Soon, he was stepping towards the half-dilapidated apartment beside the grand red brick building the man had indicated. Loud music came from behind the door, and it was no wonder the said man was still awake. Hurrying, Heero knocked on the door twice.

A large, burly man opened the door for him, shouting a resounding "What the heck do you want?" 

Heero's eyes slit. The bald guy reminded him of Ora, the mercenary he had worked with in bombing the Space Colonial Stars Embassy. There was a seemingly mischievous look in his eyes however, one which reminded him of Hilde's when she was up to trouble. However, this didn't settle Heero's heightened wariness against the man.

Heero turned to reply in an equally hostile tone, but another one of Hilde's infamous monologues repeated itself in his mind. _You shouldn't be so wary about others, yourself. Not all people mean bad, Heero… you can try to trust some, and see the heaps of good that would come back to you in return._

Try.

He sighed, and then lifted his hand in a polite gesture. "Good Evening." He gave the man a direct stare, one that didn't back down from him, but had no heat in it. "I've come to look for the beret a friend of mine left in the café this evening."

At his explanation, the man nodded slowly, and when Heero finished, his face suddenly broke into a grin. "I see. A considerate but uptight laddie, you are!" He grabbed Heero's hand and shook it jovially. "Come inside for a moment. Yer' a mite too wet for me."

Before Heero could say anything else, the man had slung a hand over his shoulder and brought him inside. His eyes immediately scanned the room. The place, though small and sparse, seemed to be warmed by the laughter of its other occupants. They were all grouped in a table nearby, where others had turned to give him a smile. 

Sigfreud then looked at him. "What's yer name, lad?"

Heero, despite his shock at immediately being accepted, had enough sense to give a safe name. "Odin, sir." He answered shortly. 

The guy laughed. "Odin, eh? Lighten up, kiddo. I'm Sigfreud. Sorry 'bout the hat over there. It was just too well cared for to throw away, so I took it home. Hey guys!" He motioned over to the group of people. "Meet Odin. The guy's come to take the 'bloody' beret!"

Much laughter followed his statement, but so many bright smiles faced Heero that he felt overwhelmed. These people were so hospitable—didn't they know that such uninhibited courtesy could very easily put them in danger?

_But you had shown them kindness._ _And they just returned it._

Heero was startled when a small, dark-haired child latched on to him, "Fwend!" she squealed excitedly.

Sigfreud wagged a finger at the little sprite, "Now, Reese, you're still recovering from the flu. I'm sure Mr. Odin's pleased with your greeting, but your _really_ have to get back to bed."

"No, he's a fwend!" The girl mumbled adorably, stubbornly holding on to Heero. Despite the proud look in Sigfreud's eyes, he turned to plead to Heero. And the man got the message clearly. _Help me._

Strange as it was for him, he wanted to. Taking a deep breath, Heero knelt down to face the girl. He wasn't sure about what he should do, but he kept Hilde's example with Nicky in his mind. Steadily reminding himself to be kind, he held on to the girl. "Thank you…" The girl brightened. "But all good girls like you should get to sleep." Heero paused unsurely. "Now."

Reese started sniffling, "But, but…"

Heero released his breath and spoke hesitantly. "We can't be friends if you're always sick… no," he added as the girl's face broke even more. "What I meant was that—if you're always sick, I'll be… very sad." Finally, the girl gave him a hopeful glance; he had progress. "You have to recover first, so that we could… get to know each other better." It was strange, but he smiled at the girl's pleased face. That small gaze reminded him of another girl, so long ago… "Right?"

There was an excited look on little Reese's face as she nodded repetitively. She was very pleased by his answer. "Wight. I go sleep now." She gave him a hug and bounded over to an adjacent room.

Heero watched over the girl as she went off. He was only interrupted when Sigfreud placed a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry about that, Odin. Me and the guys here only get to spend some time together during the evenings." And with that, he assisted Heero up and led him away to introduce him to his friends. The gruff old fellow really wasn't as hard as he seemed, and the welcoming presence of his friends made his place homely and appealing despite its many cracks and damages.

Heero's thoughts wandered once more before a thoughtful smile lit on his lips. Despite his tiredness, one wry thought had formed in his mind. Kindness and trust did bring you to greater places. 

~~~

_Mission Accomplished._

The rain was still strong, there were barely enough lights to brighten the streets, and the night on the colonies was very cold, but throughout all these, Heero gave a small smirk of triumph as he gazed at the brilliant red beret before him. It took such great lengths (not to mention absurdities) to get it, but he had to admit, he felt joy in his accomplishment.

_He had shown kindness._

_ _

It was strange, showing and receiving genuine kindness. He hadn't done much, merely pulling back his survival instincts for a few moments for Sigfreud. But Heero hadn't expected the courtesy the stocky man had shown him. It was all together new and very, very refreshing. Maybe one day, he could get around to helping and giving to others naturally.

His eyebrows drew together in deep thought. It wasn't as if Heero had never experienced kindness, or helping others. In fact, he had fought in the war for the sake of protecting others, just as much as for his own preservation. The war had taught him many lessons about that. But this time, it felt different. _She had been right, after all_. Heero had given kindness without a hidden purpose or without being forced to do so, and as he did so, the joy he had assumingly given to others seemed to reflect itself to him. He had given, and he felt as if he had received. All of those, he discovered in the simple act of offering his hand to a hostile looking man.

Vaguely, Heero wondered if inflicting pain on others had the same result: the reflection of pain within him.

But he really didn't know. Heero had been so used to hurting and killing men that he already couldn't recognize how he felt about it. It was as if… he had been numbed by it. He could no longer tell when, or why he exactly felt pain.

Yet, there was one time when Heero had felt pain at hurting others. It was earlier this night, when he had hurt Hilde. Of that, he was very much aware.

Heero shook his head, all these thoughts were making him nauseous. But as he continued the long walk home, another thought flitted across his mind. That he was thinking such thoughts proved that he was one step closer to actually being human.

He smiled, glancing at the hat. _Hilde_.

Maybe miracles where possible after all—maybe God did exist.

He hoped that he would finally get to believe.

Clutching the beret tighter, he crossed the street, eager to get home. He was very tired; too tired it seemed, for his vision seemed to be getting blurry. At this, he gave another glance at the hat, wondering about its importance. Why did it mean so much to Hilde? So much that she was willing to look for it at this hour? That it brought _him_ this far?

It was then when Heero caught the blotted text written on the underside of the cap. He squinted his eyes to read the blurred text. 

_Schatz_, it read. _Folgen Sie ihren Träumen. 11, Instructor._

_ _

Heero frowned through the German inscription. But the number 11 and the name stood out in his mind. A gift from her beloved Instructor. _The beret was her only link to the better part of her past._

Despite his exhaustion, Heero sympathized with her. He wondered about her past, and how deep her relationship with this Instructor was. And in this, he felt the desire to share in her pain, to help her heal as she did with him, unknowing as it seemed. 

_I must be too tired_, Heero thought to himself, because he was being filled with inane ideas. _That must have been it_, he affirmed as he held a hand to his burning forehead. Because for the moment, nothing mattered but the image of Hilde's smile as he handed her back her precious beret.

~~~

_Her instructor gave a quick glance backward and nodded off to Hilde. She promptly started fixing the harness to her body. He ran a hand through his platinum blond hair as he stared at his watch. "Hurry up, _Mädchen. _You don't have all day!"_

_ _

_Despite his obvious insinuation, Hilde couldn't prevent the grateful tears from filling her eyes as she checked her harness one last time. "_Ja_, it's all right," she choked out._

_ _

_He immediately noticed her face, but instead of making another innuendo about girls like her and useless tears, he placed a gentle hand on her cheek. "What's wrong _Schatz_?"_

_ _

_Hilde shook her head, not wanting him to see her weakness. But the question still came. "I'll never see you again, will I?"_

_ _

_His hand fell from her face. Hilde looked up questioningly. _

_ _

_Number Eleven was looking away, his face holding an expression Hilde only saw during his rarest, most vulnerable moments. He looked sentimental, yet at the same time was filled with determination. "With all luck, I hope you never come face to face with me or any of Anton Gunther's men. You deserve so much more than that."_

_ _

_Against her wishes, the tears fell from her face. "I'll come back for you one day."_

_ _

_He bit his lip, sage eyes narrowing in fractional weakness. Her instructor then turned to her, cradling her face in his hands. "No, you can't. It's too late for me to be saved, _Schatz_. But you," his eyes sparkled with long unshed tears. The first Hilde had ever seen in a person from the Base before, "You can go places. You can still save other people."_

_ _

_Hilde protested, "But—"_

_ _

_"Stop acting like an idiot, Hilde Schbeiker. I didn't train you to be one." Instructor bit out harshly as he looked away. Hilde sighed in desperation as she realized that she never really found out his name, and that he rarely called her by her full name. _This is going to be it. _Their last moment together._

_ _

_"_Nein,_" she whispered. "You didn't _raise_ me to be one."_

_ _

_He paused at the word, but went on looking for something in one of his coat pockets. "You have eighteen seconds left."_

_ _

_Hilde didn't care. "_Ich liebe Sie, _Instructor." _

_ _

_She thought she heard a choke, but she wasn't sure whom it came from: her or the person before her._

__

_"Dummkopf," he let out in a voice unusually full of emotions. "But you should know how I feel, _Mädchen._"_

_ _

_Twelve seconds. He brought out a beret that was of a vibrant red colour and dumped it on her head. "What—" she yelled out angrily despite her tears._

_ _

_He chuckled. "Never forget the lessons you learned from me _Schatz_. Let _this_ remind you of all that you know. I hope that wearing it will help you make the right decisions. All that you need to know is in that cap."_

_ _

_Hilde barely had time to look at the item, but she carefully folded it up inside a pocket. "I'll never forget," she promised solemnly. Her face broke out into a wry grin. "You intended for it to be a cap, didn't you? You always loved holding things over my head."_

_ _

_He shrugged nonchalantly, trying to look innocent. "I wanted it to be red. You always loved the colour as a child. Maybe that explains the obsession with apples."_

_ _

_"_Hund!_"_ The last time I can insult him, _she realized_. _Six seconds. In perfect timing, she hoisted herself over the window._

_"Good bye." She struggled with the words._

_ _

_Five seconds. He pulled on her bangs for the last time. "Good bye…_Schatz._"_

_ _

_At four seconds, she let go._

_ _

~~~

Hilde awoke with tears of regret on her face. She sighed in guilt. _Why_ did she have to leave the beret back in the park? It would be hard to find it now! She needed it so much and had never parted with it. The beret helped her think through her hardest times and had brought her good luck in a lot of ways. It helped her remember.

The dream taunted her. And she raised herself over the bed, vaguely recalling the phrase her Instructor had written. _Folgen Sie ihren Träumen._

_ _

__Follow your dreams.

Choking, she tore off the blankets from herself. She couldn't bear having it away from her any longer. God help her, she needed it now. She didn't care for rest; she had to bring back that cap…

Hilde passed by Heero's room and suddenly remembered his logical words. She couldn't look for it now. By goodness, it was already three in the morning. Hilde groaned as she leaned on his door at this realization. But all thoughts were stopped when she fell back as the door opened.

Muttering angry words, Hilde lifted herself up, wondering to herself about how queer it was that Heero didn't lock his room…

She gasped, then turned around. Heero's room was empty. _Where in the world—_

The slamming of the door from downstairs took her attention. _Heero?_ She dashed downstairs, worried. In her mind, she was preparing a long rebuke—it was him who had insisted she rest, thus causing her to let go of her search for the beret, but now, _he_ was the one out at such an hour. That thought prevented her from panicking too much.

Nothing prepared her for the sight before her.

His vision was blurred dangerously when Heero shut the door behind him. The sound pounded in his head. Damn it. He needed sleep.

He glanced at the object he held in his hand. _It would be worth it._

If only he could see her. 

Heero struggled to hide a cough. He knew that he was really losing control this time, physically, as well as emotionally. Strange, all that he could think of was her… and her image sustained him despite his fatigue.

"Heero?" Hilde's trembling voice was merely above a whisper.

And he met her dark sapphire eyes, sparkling with a semblance of tears.

_The strands in your eyes that colour them wonderful stop me and steal my breath._

Hilde placed a quivering hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her uncontrolled gasp of surprise.

Heero watched her back, eyes glittering with an unnameable passion underneath half-closed lids. He leaned his other shoulder on the wall beside him, revealing his tiredness. Telling droplets fell from his body. He could no longer afford to take another step, so it seemed. Yet despite all this, there was an accomplished, even joyful grace to his posture.

And in his hand lay her beret, dripping wet but safe.

And she couldn't contain her tears any longer. No one, _no one,_ had ever done so much for her. Others may have saved her and given her what she needed to survive, but she now knew that nothing… would ever, ever mean as much to her as this _craziness_ had.

"Heero…" she repeated as he lifted the beret to her. She shook her head blindly. _I'm not worth it._ Heero had looked for it. He knew how much it meant to her but ordered her to leave it alone… only to look for it himself. How could she have known? Why would he…

_Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky, never revealing their depth._

"You are crazy, Heero." Hilde choked out, not bothering to wipe her tears. "Why did you do this—knowing that you are tired, yourself. This has to be your stupidest, most impulsive decision ever! And I, and I…"

"I got you your beret back." He whispered back.

"I can't care less about it now!" She moaned back. "It's you! You've done this much… Why? Heero, you could have gotten hurt. Why did you _really_ do this?" 

_It couldn't really be for me. No one would ever do such a_ stupid _thing for me. Ever._

She suddenly recoiled at the thought. Stupid. Heero would do stupid things for her. Only Heero would.

And then she knew… _she knew_.

Then when she raised her eyes to meet his once more, a trace of a tear made its way down his cheek.

_Tell me that we belong together, dress it up with the trappings of love._

There was disbelief in her eyes. Proud, opinionated, headstrong Hilde didn't understand that he had actually done this for her.

Had she always thought so low of herself? Heero would never believe saving, tone-deaf guardian angels like her would feel that insecure when it came to things like this. But what would he know? Even he, himself, still couldn't fully believe that he would do such a thing for someone.

But for her, he would.

And Hilde Schbeiker didn't deserve that look of touched astonishment on her face. Heero could forget his own worth, as long as she knew how special she really was.

_Damn it, Duo Maxwell,_ he kept to himself. _Why didn't you take care of her well enough? Why didn't you help her face her own demons? Why have you left her so scared and insecure?_

Maybe it was the reason Heero was there. To make her feel that she was worth something—and so much more.

_I really am sick_, he thought bitterly. He was taking on all of Hilde's useless ideals.

_Because you want to._

Because he needed to.

She made him whole; she made him human. And at that thought, a tear fell carelessly from his betraying eyes.

_You're my survival, you're my living proof my love is alive, not dead._

And now, she was asking him why he had done this all for her.

Heero whispered the only answer he knew he would tell her. The truth.

"I wanted to see you smile."

_I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above._

Hilde couldn't speak as his words reached her ears. She couldn't even think logically. All that she knew was Heero, his words, and even his simple presence in the room. Never had she felt so complete, so…

_Loved..._

And she ran to him, sobbing uncontrollably as she did so. No words came from her lips. She could only hold on tight to him. To this incredible person who made her feel so much…

And she felt his hands on her hair, stroking her, as if it was the only way he could express how he felt.

_I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be love suicide. I'll be better when I'm older._

"I'm sorry…" he began, his voice hoarse. "For making you worry."

And she shook her head, angrily, tiredly, joyfully, lovingly… "I—"

_I'll be the greatest fan of your life._

"I understand now." He spoke, cutting her off. He placed unsteady fingers on her face as she looked up. And when Hilde rewarded him with a smile that spoke so much, he responded in kind.

And there, Hilde saw the first genuine smile that Heero had ever given her. One that was without mockery, without intent. One that showed genuine joy.

And with that, he closed his eyes and collapsed against her.

~~~

"Oh God!" Hilde prayed urgently as she dragged Heero's limp body to his bedroom.

Suddenly given strength that her years of training failed to supply her, she hauled him over to the bed, not wasting time to touch his forehead. He was burning up. Hilde felt tears rising to her eyes again. "Damn it, Heero Yuy! Why don't you ever take care of yourself?" 

Her vision blurred with tears as she stared at his pale face. _Because of you_, a voice from within accused her. _Nein!_ She shook her head, ignoring the tremendous guilt within her. It wouldn't help Heero if she would spend her time in misery. She had to assess the situation. 

No matter how unbearable it was.

Hilde dashed out of his room, heading towards hers to fetch a thermometer. She had to be sure of his situation. He was coughing a bit earlier, but she was unsure whether it was from sickness or emotion. It simply couldn't be that alone. Hilde remembered noticing how little Heero usually slept. There was no mistaking those prominent, dark curves underneath his eyes at times. When she mentioned it to him once, he had glared at her so threateningly that she never brought it up again. He had been tired this day as well. _Fatigue._

Hilde ran a hand up her dishevelled hair and shook her head against another onslaught of self-blame. _For him_, she reminded herself steadily. And then, there was the fact that he had gone out in the rain earlier to look for her beret. It was also frigidly cold outside, and when diseases were in season in the colonies, they spread like fire, what with the recycled air they used. The coldness could lower body immunity responses. _Goodness,_ she thought helplessly. What if he caught the flu?

She inserted the sterilized thermometer into his mouth and placed a hand over her face as she waited patiently. And in the wake of the deafening silence, she started to pray. She needed Him now; she needed strength. She didn't know if she could do this alone. A doctor was out of the question in this weather, and their identities would definitely be at risk.

By God, she didn't know what she would do if anything wrong happened to Heero now. He meant too much to her; she couldn't let go of him now. She muffled a sob and prayed even more urgently. Yet she knew that God would only help her if she started on her own. She had to do something. Bracing herself for the inevitable, Hilde prayed for guidance and removed the thermometer.

102ºF

Hilde warded off a choke.

Sighing, she closed her eyes began to plan. Heero would make it. She wasn't a doctor but she promised herself that she would make sure of that.

She opened her eyes and dried her tears. It was time to get to work.

~~~

Hilde sighed as she dropped off Heero's wet clothes on the hamper. It had been very, very hard getting off his wet clothes and dressing him up with dry comfy ones. Being caught between blushing, looking away, and commiserating every time she felt his feverish skin was not exactly comfortable, but knowing that she had actually done something made her feel a little better.

_What now?_

She struggled to remember her Instructor's words. In disturbing irony, she had her sloppy red beret on her head now. For all the trouble Hilde had caused through it, she still needed its luck and significance to get her through this dilemma. 

Hilde was deep in thought as she walked back to Heero's room. Instructor had given her valuable lessons about treatments in case of certain common diseases – fever and influenza being some of them. Anything could happen in a mission, so he had said, and it was disgraceful to die because of a puny virus.

Now if she could recall his words…

When Hilde reached the room, she gasped when she noticed Heero shaking with chills. Her eyes widened in panic, but she launched herself to the side of the bed to confirm her thoughts. Darn it, he was very cold. She needed to do something, _now_!

_Let the body tell you what to do. While stacking up underneath sheets is actually not required to lower a fever, if a person is having chills, it is imperative to do so._

Nodding at herself, she drew a blanket over Heero's prone form. She had him dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts, so she knew it would require more than a thin blanket to stop the chills. It was only after she settled him underneath another blanket that the tremulous shuddering stopped.

Hilde placed another hand on his head and discovered that his temperature had gone higher. Feeling her anxiety overtake her senses once more, she sat down on the bed helplessly. Was she even helping?

_Calm down,_ she told herself as she shut her eyes. _Fevers can do the body good. Raised body temperatures enhance the immune response against viruses._ She was doing all that she could according to what she knew of the source of the sickness and the symptoms he was displaying. She needed Heero to tell her how he felt so that she could fully recognize what disease he had.

Just as she had conjured the thought, a muffled sound reached her, and she whirled around to see Heero turning. She drew nearer on the bed and reached him just as his eyes opened. "Heero."

~~~

When his consciousness became alert, the first thing he recognized was the soreness in his throat. It bothered him. He had a pounding headache, and he felt as if his eyelids were being heavily pressed against his eyes. His muscles ached, and he couldn't move well. His joints were stiff.

He had never felt this weak before.

And that was when the despair came.

Weak. He couldn't recall why that word scared him so much, or why he was feeling this way. He couldn't even bother recalling his name. He was too much in pain; too uncomfortable with his situation.

And he felt so alone.

Gritting his teeth, he struggled to open his eyes – only to find his vision vastly limited, for it was dark and the images he was seeing were hazy. But then he heard a name being whispered. "Heero."

His name. Her voice.

He immediately turned to his side, finding her hovering above him, her face filled with grief and remorse. But her small smile told him of her relief. Immediately, he felt redeemed. He had never woken up to find someone waiting beside him. Someone like her, that was… anxiously by his side, eyes faintly red from crying. She had been crying… because of him? 

He couldn't recognize how he felt, couldn't tell what had happened, or what exactly was happening. He couldn't even tell her name. He was lost in the present. He could only be aware of his discomfort and her pain… 

And it was then when he felt a comforting trail of coolness on his skin. Then there was more, and more… Her eyes widened and she traced a hand on the fresh pattern on his skin. "H-heero…" she began.

It was then when he realized that he was crying.

_But he never cried_, something within him protested. But he couldn't stop himself—he couldn't control his emotions. He cried because of the pain in his throat, because of the damning pounding in his head. He cried because he felt weak. He cried because she had also cried for him, he cried because she looked so tired, so worried.

But deep down inside, he knew that he was crying for himself. 

Because he had never cried before, because he was so scared for himself. He cried because they hurt him, because they took away his humanity. He cried because he had killed, because he had hurt others. He cried because he let a woman slip through his fingers, because he had loved her.

And then the girl before him placed a gentle hand on his cheek. He burrowed himself in her comforting palm, brushing desperate lips on it. He wanted to reach out to her, but he couldn't move… 

And he needed her. He needed the woman holding him to survive, to _live_.

But he knew that he could never have her.

And for that, more tears fell.

~~~

Hilde stared at him, miserable as tears fell from his unfocused eyes. _He doesn't know what he's doing_, she realized. He didn't even recognize her in the beginning. He looked so unsure, so scared…

"I'm here, Heero." She whispered as he hid half of his face in her hand. "Don't leave me. You deserve so much more than this. I'm sorry for doing this to you. But please, just _don't_ leave me now."

And at this, she removed her hand from his cheek. Despite his childlike, yet almost violent protest, she shushed him and placed both of her hands on his hot one. "I need you Heero. I don't care if you hate me when you come back, even if you call me hotheaded and tone-deaf, I wouldn't care. Just take care of yourself for once and… be better. By goodness, please!"

For a brief moment, his hand tightened on hers. And despite his confused eyes, he raised it to her cheek, letting it linger there for a moment. But when Hilde placed her hand over his, it slackened. He had fallen asleep again. 

Suddenly, he started shivering once more. Hilde's eyes widened and she tore out of the room to retrieve another blanket. Through her blurred vision, she tried to cease his pain.

And when she finally calmed Heero down, Hilde fell down on the floor beside the bed and started to cry uncontrollably.

~~~

When Heero found consciousness this time, he easily recognized who he was and what was happening. He had foggy memories about waking up, or the events of the night before, yet his awareness about his identity and symptoms pushed his curiosity about those recollections away.

But as strange as it was, he actually felt comfortable.

That was when the hand against his cheek moved to caress him once more. Heero's eyes opened instantly. _Hilde_. He recalled looking for her beret and walking on the streets back home, but after that, his memories eluded him.

When he looked up, he found the faint glows of the dawn's light slipping through the curtains. He moved to his right and found Hilde beside him, her head laid on the mattress and her hand on his face. His hand was covering hers. A rare blush stained his cheeks. He felt hot.

She opened her eyes and smiled sleepily at him. "_Guten Morgan_, Sleepyhead. I hope you're feeling better."

Despite the teasing voice, Heero found deep traces of anxiousness underneath her voice. As if his answer to her question really mattered. It was as if she was worrying he wouldn't answer her… in his normal way?

"I don't know," he croaked out, frowning at his hoarse voice. "What happened?"

Hilde's smile grew, and he could tell that she was infinitely relieved. She shook her head mutely, and Heero could make out tears forming in her eyes once more. _Once more?_

"Don't cry," he whispered in a hesitant, vain attempt to get her to stop crying. He disliked seeing her like this.

"I know," she choked out, smiling at him through her weary eyes. "I just couldn't help it. I waited all night long for you to wake up. I had to make sure…"

Heero's eyebrow raised. "Make sure of what?"

She gave a deep, watery laugh, one that echoed inside him. "Now I'm sure I definitely have you back. You're as snappy as always." Then she choked again and wiped her tears.

Heero watched on helplessly as she composed herself. Reaching out to the bedside table with her other hand, she balanced a tray precariously towards the bed. "Here, drink this."

It was then when Heero discovered that he was still holding her hand gingerly on his cheek. He immediately released her and looked away, fearing the look on her face. Yet, the absence of her hand made him realize how much he felt right with it beside him. No wonder waking up seemed better despite his discomforts.

"Come on, baby – take some aspirin!" she cooed teasingly. And when Heero turned to glare at her, she winked at him. It still didn't fail to take his notice that her lips were still trembling, as if she was very, very grateful to be having this sparring match with him.

When Heero tentatively took the pill, Hilde began. "I gave you only one because I'm still unsure of your sickness. Can you tell me how you feel?"

Nodding, Heero related the sore throat, aching muscles and pounding headache. She had confirmed that he had the cough, but it seemed gone already. 

"Darn it, Heero. You have the flu." She scolded him, but seemed immensely pleased that they had finally named his disease.

Unsure of what to say, Heero responded with a hesitant, "I'm sorry."

Hilde's eyes returned to him, and she shook her head as they filled again. She drew nearer to him and enveloped him in a tight hug. Letting go of his defensive hold on himself, he found himself returning the hug and placing gentle kisses on her hair. "Hilde… you don't need to cry for me."

"I know…" she whispered. "But still… thank you again Heero, for going for the beret, but more importantly, thank you for coming back to me."

Heero didn't know why, but he tightened his hold on her.

Hilde soon released him and smiled. Soon, she started coddling him like a protective hen would her chicks. He sighed as she returned back to normal, then told her he felt uncomfortably hot. She complied easily by removing the blankets until he felt comfortable. When Heero had asked about his clothes, she blushed like a bride and ordered him to go back to sleep.

Heero gladly followed the command, but as his eyes closed, a soft, pleasing thought came to him. He had Hilde – he had someone to go back to. 

~~~

Hilde smiled to herself as she lifted Heero's finished dinner. He was unusually voracious after his sickness. She shook her head. He still slept during the general part of the day, only waking up at her touch to receive his medicine and take his meal. He seemed to be recovering quickly, though. _Thank You God._

She sighed as she walked downstairs. She had been desperate when Heero fell asleep after his first waking. She thought they wouldn't make it. She could only break down into prayers of relief when Heero woke up again with the consciousness he lacked earlier. She had tried to calm herself before him, but inside, she couldn't stop her overwhelming joy. Ever since then, he started to recover. Slowly, but surely. Yet there was progress. At least this time, she was sure he would be better. She had been so worried…

Hilde started washing the dishes, but suddenly broke deep in thought. What was it about Heero? She knew that she cared, more deeply than she was willing to admit, but she still couldn't define their relationship. He really mattered to her, and she knew why, but she wasn't sure how far her affection for him went. But Hilde was aware that she was definitely passing some borders, even though unconsciously. She wouldn't deny the heady thrill she'd received when he tenderly kissed her palm, or her hair – even though he might have not been aware he was doing them.

What _was_ their relationship?

It simply couldn't be the obligation she had given herself to help people in need—though that was how their relationship began. Hilde had always wanted to show people the kindness that was given to her when she needed it the most. It seemed like a sense of duty and gratefulness for her. She tried to repay the kindness she received by passing it on to other people. But if it had always been that, she would only go so far with Heero. Heck, he was the one helping her now! That spoke for itself. 

Hilde frowned in concentration as she finished stacking the dishes and started to walk back upstairs. Was it friendship, then? Was it friendship that caused her to care so much for his appreciation, that made her want him to like her as she did him? Was it that which made her strive for his approval and that made her do so much for him? Was it simply friendship that made her blush like crazy whenever he stared at her or touched her? Was it that which made her try to understand him, accept him, dote and even _cry_ for him? Was that enough to make him fill her thoughts all the time? Was that enough to make her feel so… _special _because of his words?

Hilde slowly became aware of the heat in her cheeks. Placing an incredulous hand on her face, she turned to the mirror in the hallway and saw her rose-stained face. _What?_ She asked herself. She shook her head; maybe it was just her tiredness. Returning to her thoughts, she tried to casually walk back to Heero's room. Yeah, maybe it was friendship.

Instantly, her blush grew. She didn't know how she found out about that, but she _felt_ the damn thing spread to her ears. She groaned. _Fine!_ Denial never helped. There were still those confusing actions and feelings they both had the night before—thoughts that she decided to tuck away for the moment, but surely proved _something_. What she felt for him was definitely deeper than friendship, but she wasn't really sure what it was—much less how to call it. But for the moment, she stubbornly categorized it under the Great Friendship.

_Besides,_ she told herself as she entered Heero's room. _You have Duo._

She then stopped. Just _why_ did she have to say that? Of course she had Duo! Saying that phrase, even though it was just in her mind, made her sound like she was worried about having serious feelings for Heero—which, of course, she didn't have.

It was then when she realized that it was the first time in weeks that she had thought of Duo's name without feeling a great pang of hurt.

Was that a good sign? Hilde shrugged and convinced herself it was. Grinning to herself for having solved her little problem, Hilde turned to gather the used blankets beside Heero's bed. And when she turned away, her eyes fell on his face.

Heero looked so peaceful and undisturbed in his sleep, an obvious contrast to his suffering expression earlier. Hilde smiled in relief; things were really going to be okay. The softness of the expression on his unguarded face proved that. His lips curved perfectly to form something which almost seemed like a contented smile, and his dark lashes brushed his flushed cheeks tenderly. He looked handsome.

The thought caused her to nearly drop her sheets. What the heck was that?

But hey, why was she scared to admit it? It was the truth: Heero was a handsome man—not only for his seriously good looks but also for his deep, mysterious, personality. Too bad he didn't smile too often. He would surely look a _lot_ better with it…

Hilde stopped herself. What? Heero, smiling often? Then what would _that_ do to her weak heart! Goodness, if she could turn into goo at the slightest quirking of his lips, heck even at his image in his sleep, how much worse would it be for her when he started smiling all the time? Remembering his smile when he returned the beret made her go weak in the knees. Heero was more than handsome, he was beautiful. His looks had a classic appeal to it that made it so hard not to be attracted to him, even in the slightest degree.

It was a good thing Heero Yuy didn't bother much about looks and contact as much as Duo had. Otherwise, it would turn her into a blundering little… fool (she allowed the pun this time). Heck, it was a wonder Heero didn't have someone now.

_Relena,_ Hilde thought sadly, briefly wondering about what it was which caused their separation. Duo had once told her that despite Heero's reservations, he still had a strong devotion, possibly even love for Relena Darlian. Now Hilde knew that there had truly been love. But what in the world happened for them to be—

_Stop._ She had no right intruding in their business. If Heero had problems, it would be up to him to let her know. And likewise, she supposed she also didn't have the right to feel so safe and extraordinary whenever he was around her, or to lose all sense of logical thought whenever he happened to touch her…

"Halt!" she yelled out to stop her running thoughts, suddenly forgetting the sleeping man in the same room. She stomped her foot down, suddenly on the onslaught of a rare (yes, _rare_! she insisted angrily) sulk-session.

Yes! Heero Yuy's smile may captivate her, and his mere touch might paralyse her and turn her into mush, but that _didn't_ matter.

They were just friends, she reminded herself. She viewed him as such, and that was that. Suddenly eager to get out of the room, she began to walk towards the door. But as she approached it, a memory brought out Howard's voice to her thoughts.

_"Look, Hilde girl, whatever you've been doing, it might be enough to convince yourself, but not me. I know what I see. You may have been denying it, as stubborn as you are, but I have these words for you: You. Are. In. Love. With. Him."_

Hilde grumbled as she remembered the circumstances that evoked Howard's words. So she might have been denying her feelings for Duo Maxwell that time, but still, Howard's words hadn't been a good joke. It turned her into a… blundering little fool.

Suddenly, the meaning of her sudden words reached her.

She froze, then turned wide eyes back to Heero's form on the bed. Could she be simply denying herself the truth?

_No! Nein!_ _I am_ not _in love with Heero Yuy_, she told herself, ignoring the fact that the phrase, combined with her earlier thoughts sounded incredibly stupid.

_But you could._

The choking silence that accompanied the thought almost overwhelmed her. But Hilde had to be honest to herself on this subject; she owed Heero that much. How could she not have feelings for him after all that they had been through, after all the hidden beauty and tenderness she discovered in him? How could she not fall for someone who was willing to do so much for her? And all of these were further asserted by the act that Heero did for her by looking for her cap last night. But even without those actions, she knew she would have felt the same. She wasn't in love with Heero, she insisted. But Hilde knew that she… could, and she would.

If she didn't do anything about it.

Hilde stomped out of the room, clutching the sheets frantically. She should stay away – that was it. She needed to put distance in their relationship. Heck, there was still Duo, then there was Relena, they mattered, too. She could avoid all of this by simply preventing herself from being too attached to Heero. Yes, that was the only solution.

It was then when the traitorous reasoning in her head voiced out, _That was exactly what Heero had been doing, the same thing that made you mad at him._

"Well spit!" Hilde muttered out in frustration. But it was the truth… oh how ironic. She then and there promised that she was _never_ going to talk to herself again; doing so confused her too much. 

But of one thing she was sure: now was not the time to run away. And she shouldn't walk away from Heero; that was not the right solution. But just as well, now was also not the time to be confused about her emotions, _or_ to fall in love. She was currently in trouble with her past. She couldn't afford a problem like this; it was too risky.

_In your romance books, you always enjoyed it whenever the heroes came to rescue the women during their troubles._

Despite her earlier promise, Hilde gave a humorously dark smile. _That_ hit her. "Auch."

~~~

Hilde shook her head at Heero distastefully as she looked at the disaster before him. "Heero, you _do_ know that to 'beat' has an entirely different meaning in baking, don't you?"

Heero's lips quirked to something that resembled a sheepish grin as he stared at the mush before him that was supposed to be flour, eggs and cocoa. He shrugged as he pushed the blasted mixing bowl away from him and Hilde smirked as she took it and emptied its contents in the trash. "I take it you don't. Darn it, we're going to have ants, but it was worth it. I just can't believe you didn't _ask_ me about it."

It was Heero's turn to smirk this time, "You were the one who gave that useless condition for me to bake. Besides, I've earned a dislike for questions."

Hilde smiled as returned back to her decent work in the counter. "It was a good deal. If you were well enough to train me despite your sickness, surely you'd be well enough to make an attempt at baking. You should still be in bed, silly." She began to mix the batter while Heero sighed in resignation. Hilde's brow raised at that. "And why don't you like questions?"

Heero's eyes closed mockingly as he answered, "There are many reasons, 'How are you feeling?' being one of them. Then there's 'Are you sure you're okay?' 'Did you take your medicine?' 'Do you need anything?' and other choice examples I am not willing to mention."

"Why you—" Heero opened his eyes to catch the rag the angry German had thrown at him, allowing himself a grin at her display of temper. It had been true, though. Ever since his sickness two days ago, Hilde had doted on him day and night, making sure of his recovery. It had been awkward at first, with Heero being exasperated by her extreme carefulness. But it had also been amusing, affectionate even. Heero never had someone care for him the way she did before.

Hilde pouted when he dropped the rag to the table, but shook her head jovially. "At least you're better now, I hope."

There was still a spark of worry in her eyes that affected him. "You got me cooking, _ne_? Of course I'm better. You don't have to worry."

Hilde winked at him, "Cooking is _different_ from Baking, Hitler." Then she took the mixing bowl and brought it to the table so that she could stand before him. "Okay, okay, I won't worry anymore. But anyway, let's continue the discussion."

"It's your turn," he pointed out as she wiped her hands on the apron that concealed her petite figure. She wrinkled her nose at the stain, but turned to him with a mischievous grin. "I've never been to Japan."

Heero lifted his index finger, forming nine points in their game of 'I've Never,' another of Hilde's ridiculous, but equally satisfying suggestions. "I've never been to Germany."

"Auch," the girl bit out as their score tied, nine to nine.

Ever since his second awakening, the two of them had been inseparable, and definitely closer than before. It had been an effect of all the drama of the former day. And though Heero still couldn't remember what happened when he arrived home that night, he was content with the results. He ultimately felt at ease with Hilde, often finding himself letting go of all his emotional restrictions easily. Heero easily expressed his thoughts when he was around her, never feeling threatened by her presence—or her effect on him. There was an air of confidence between them, as if another stronger bond had formed between them. 

The effect was mutual, too. Hilde looked better than he'd ever seen her in the time they'd spent together. She was more open, more sensitive. She seemed to have acquired a newfound freedom in their relationship. There were no more barriers between them; in fact, they found themselves taking liberties with each other and not minding it. Hilde had enlisted him in many of her new activities, and he agreed with her. Even when their conversations became too personal, there was no hostility or fear, only trust. They touched more often, too. It came so naturally, and felt so right, as if they were meant to do so. No one complained whenever she touched his cheek, or whenever he brushed his hand against hers, or pulled on her hair whenever he purposely goaded her, effectively masking the fact that he did so to feel the silky strands against his fingers.

Another thing was the fact that he found himself easily smiling more often. It was a new habit that surprised him, but Hilde seemed to like it. Heero knew that the explanation to the new action lay back on that night when he returned her beret. If only he could remember.

Only two foggy images returned to his mind whenever he tried to remember. One with Hilde smiling up at him, brilliant tears falling happily from her eyes, another with her holding his hand as she cried on the side of his bed. He dared not ask Hilde about it.

All that mattered was the air of contentment, freedom, affection and anticipation between them. 

"Okay," Hildepaused thoughtfully as she started to roll out cookie balls. "Let me think of something really hard…"

But Hilde was stupid if she thought Heero would ever forget the words she'd told him the second time he awoke. Things were different this time, and she knew it too.

They were half a week behind schedule, but every time Hilde laughed with him or held his hand unconsciously, Heero found himself overlooking that fact. He didn't remember feeling more content than this in his life.

"I never wanted to be a soldier."

Heero's eyes rose to see her looking away from him. He shook his head and lowered his hands, not lifting a finger. He waited for her to speak.

Hilde looked on with unfocused eyes as she arranged the balls on the tray. "I guess it had never been my decision. I wasn't given a choice. But if things were different and I could choose, maybe, just maybe I would be…" She smiled, scraping off the remaining cookie dough, "A chef, or maybe a computer programmer. The subject I mastered the most was Math." She grinned absently, lost in a memory. But then she turned to Heero, "Or maybe a vet. I wanted to be one ever since Duo and I saw some rabbits in the market. But, hey…" She tilted her head at the speculating but warm look on Heero's face. "What about you, I thought…"

Heero, recently sentimental over her little dreams and how she would attain them, now stared at his fingers. Taking a deep breath, he revealed thoughts that had long been concealed in the recesses of his soul. "Being a soldier hadn't been a choice for me, myself. It had been my life… And I don't know what I could be other than a soldier because being one is all that I know. But if I could change it all… I would."

The resilient '_thump_' of the wooden spoon falling on the table made him look up. Hilde was giving him a strange look, her eyes narrowed in uncertainty. "Never have regrets, Heero."

He watched on silently as she took the tray and crouched low near the oven to insert it in. "It's all right to have thoughts and preferences, but the least you can do for yourself is to not regret anything."

"That's harder than it sounds."

"I know. But you should be proud of who you are now, Heero, instead of torturing yourself. You should give yourself more credit, you know. You're too self-depreciating. You don't deserve that."

Heero stood up and approached her as she shut the oven door close. "Maybe I do."

She shook her head, giving a faint smile as she stared at the distance. "People like you are so rare, Heero, and so special. I'm lucky to have met someone like you. Not so many people would risk so much of their own lives for others."

_Masaka_, she made him feel as if he was really someone who hadn't done many wrongs, as if he was truly admirable. Heero nodded slowly at her words, genuinely pleased at the thought. He allowed himself a grin. "Does that include stupid things?"

He didn't see her, but he knew she was blushing from the way she spoke. "I guess that's a part of it. When a person does a stupid thing for someone out of genuine concern, you know that person deserves a good life, and so much more."

He stilled at those words. Hilde took a deep breath.

When she turned, she seemed surprised to see that Heero had offered his hand to her. Yet she gave him a grateful look and allowed him to pull her up. When they both stood at their level though, she tried to look away. But Heero had none of that and took her chin in his hand, gently turning her to face him. "You should speak for yourself too, Hilde."

Her eyes widened, and another blush coloured her pale cheeks. Heero offered her a smile and nodded solemnly, "Any person who could find people like me worth something definitely deserves a good life, and so much more. They are the people worth doing stupid things for."

Hilde quietly smiled at his words. Her thoughts might have made Heero think twice about the burdens he had bestowed on himself, but he was definitely sure that people like Hilde shouldn't feel the way she did. She breathed deeply and placed both her hands on his fist gratefully. "That's a thought."

"Good." Heero smirked and released her, striding back to the dining room table as she stared back at him. Inside, he was pleased, but there was always one victory he enjoyed the most. 

"My turn. I could never cook."

Hilde sputtered at his sudden strike and stared at her fingers when she raised her last one. Realizing she had lost, she snorted at him and grabbed another rag to throw at him. "_Baka._"

He smirked as she started muttering about how unbelievable it was that she lost to him. He had one-upped her again, thus making her cutely upset. But the best part of it all was that she spoke in Japanese instead of German.

~~~

The place was as wonderful as it had been when Heero had last gone there. The manmade lake still shone beautifully in the night, and the rare fresh air swept over the surroundings, cultivating the slowly unfurling greenery around the place. The night left a hazy cerulean glow on the scene. It was the nearest thing the colony had to real life-filled nature. This was the serenity that belonged in the outskirts of Tirrill.

Heero paused as he trailed down the familiar rocky path, remembering the last time he'd gone there. It had been after he blew-up on Hilde because she lectured him on his unreasonable anger about the Preventers' announcement. He recalled their circumstances then. Had it only been a month and half ago? It seemed much longer than that.

"Heero-_chan_, hurry up!" Hilde's voice called out impatiently to him, and he scowled. The girl had found out another way to irritate him back. He should have known that there was a Japanese channel on their cable. So he took his sweet time following her, just to goad her as well. 

When he finally arrived, Hilde wasn't upset, as he had expected. Rather, she was calm, silently watching the lake as she sat on the sandy bank. Heero quietly took his place beside her.

"So, what do you think?" she asked at last. It was already night, and they both agreed that they needed to get out of the house, so Hilde decided to bring him here.

Heero shrugged, "I've been here before."

Hilde looked at him disbelievingly, yet his silence convinced her that it was the truth. At this her face fell. "Oh."

He gave her a short glance, "That doesn't make the place any less spectacular."

Hilde nodded and smiled, releasing a relieved sigh. They both sat in companionable silence and kept still, allowing themselves to be steadied by the nocturnal milieu. And it felt good and very refreshing, Heero noted. Her warmth beside him easily comforted him. He closed his eyes against the breeze.

"Heero?"

"Hn."

There was a sentimental note in her voice. "Do you know why Tirrill is such a great place?"

Heero opened his eyes and faced her. "Because it is near the outer rim of the colony? Most of the colony's spaceports are located just on the other side of the town. Transportation and communication are easily available."

Hilde chuckled, elbowing him slightly. "That's a true and blue answer from your ever concise logic, Heero Yuy. But that's not it. You're near, though."

He raised his brow at her, "Then I give up. You're probably using your twisted logic again. _That,_ I will never understand."

Hilde huffed at his answer and promptly lay back in the sand. As Heero awaited her answer, he was surprised when she suddenly pulled him down and caused him to fall ungraciously beside her. As he glared at her, she winked at him and said in a breathless voice, 

"Look up."

And as she gestured to the heavens, Heero turned his eyes and saw the majestic bejewelled heavens. The stars shone brightly before them, lighting up the sky. He almost gasped at the image. To see the sky was a luxury very few colonists could afford. Most of them had to deal with the vast metal expanse of the colony's structure as a roof. Tirrill, being a town that belonged in the outer rim of the place, had its rare view of space and a share of genuine sunlight. 

But to people like him, the beauty of space didn't matter all that much. Space had been simply a battleground. It was only now that he saw it for the scene it created.

"I see."

"Here," Hilde began in a voice filled with pride. "I can see my stars."

Heero started at the word. "Your stars?"

There was a faint tinge of embarrassment in her voice. "Uh, back then when I was a child, the only beautiful thing I could watch was the sky. In a way, it had been a source of comfort. Whenever I had drastic problems, or had seen or done something horrible, I would always climb up to the roof to see the stars."

Heero's eyes drifted to her as she spoke. "But why?"

"So that I could dream."

There was a delicate strain in her voice as she choked out those words. And at that, Heero returned his attention back to the stars, staring thoughtfully at them. Hilde needed her dreams to have hope; he finally understood that now. He, on the other hand, had discarded the possibility of dreaming a long time ago. Failed dreams brought so much hurt and disappointment.

Yet now, as he lay beside her watching the galaxies, he began to ponder if he was capable of having such again, if he could still have dreams and aspirations. Hope…

"Don't you ever dream, Heero?" Hilde's voice filtered to his ears. "Even in the slightest?"

"I'm not sure I should," he answered steadily, honestly.

But she made him want to. By goodness she did. 

"You could try, you know. I'm sure you wouldn't be disappointed." There was a wistful quality in her voice.

Heero took a deep breath and asked slowly, "How do you know for sure?"

He sounded so damn vulnerable, but he couldn't stop himself, not now that she started the topic. Hilde's hand suddenly sought his, and Heero found himself clutching it.

"God wouldn't let you down. He wouldn't want to intentionally hurt people like you. I know so."

Silence.

"You make me sound so… normal, Hilde. As if I had never been a Gundam pilot, or a killer," he whispered hoarsely. A sense of déjà vu filled him when a certain burning behind his eyes began. It was too difficult, and the situation was too fragile. He had never been this open about himself before. He closed his eyes.

Hilde seemed to be surprised because she paused. When she finally spoke, he felt his same emotions in her voice, though it was filled with warmth and affection. "That's strange. Because Heero, you make me sound so special."

Heero opened his eyes at her words. And the stars greeted him, Hilde's enchanting, mysterious and hauntingly beautiful stars.

Slowly, Heero lifted himself on his shoulder and gazed at her, watching as the stars reflected their lights in her eyes, infusing her sapphire eyes with the glow of space. A small smile lit on her face as she pondered on the intimate trail of their conversation. He was captivated. 

Heero then whispered in words that only she would hear, "You make me want to dream when I had promised myself never to do so again."

Hilde looked at him, her eyes softening as she did so. "That's even stranger Heero… You make me feel as if I no longer need to dream cause I could have already found it."

Meaningful silence.

And finally, his heart spoke for him. "You make me feel as if I don't deserve to die after all that I have done," Heero whispered, hovering gently over her as he did so. His eyes reflected intense emotions that he had kept so sharply hidden before. "As if I can still be human. You make me hope…"

Hilde nodded, completing his words. As if she knew… as if she knew. Telling glints appeared underneath her eyes as she looked at him. "That's the strangest thing…" Her hand raised to his cheek as she struggled to speak, and Heero nuzzled it tenderly as he awaited her words. "You make me feel as if I… as if I actually deserve to live. That I _have_ to live. You… give me hope."

Anticipating silence.

She needed him as much as he needed her. He filled her just as much as she filled him. The truth was revealed in the stillness of the night, and the knowledge enveloped them both. There was no more hesitation, no more fear. There was only unspeakable joy, only silent fulfilment.

Hilde released a shuddering breath as she gazed into his eyes, and Heero placed his hand on her cheek, thumbing away the tears that threatened to fall. Her other hand covered his, as she whispered his name in the darkness. 

And finally, he leaned over her and touched his lips to hers. Her tears continued to fall, this time for a different reason as she wrapped her arms around him to draw him nearer.

Beautiful silence.

And above them, the stars watched.

End – Chapter Nine.


	12. Part 10, Section One: -I don't have an o...

In The Arms of Destruction, Part 10 – Love Alone

In The Arms of Destruction, Part 10 – Love Alone

WARNING: PG-13 for foul words and curses, and some steamy scenes.

_Give me your hand to hold_

_'Cause I can't stand to love alone_

_And love alone is not enough to hold us up_

_We've got to touch your robe_

_So swing your robe down low._

_Swing your robe down low._

"Love Alone." Caedmon's Call   
(A song that transcends the purpose I had it for in this fanfic)

"Have you any definite proof?"

29 shook his head at the image of his commanding officer on the screen before him. "She matches the physical description, and looks strikingly similar to the girl in the picture. I am positive that she understands, and most probably speaks German."

Gemini shook his head at him. "I want more information."

29 shrugged at him, "Are you faring any better there in L3?"

The impatient European before him scowled. "No. So don't let this girl out of your sight. Just make sure that she _is_ the one. It will save us a lot of effort. What else can you say about her?"

Nodding, 29 began with a sly smirk, "She seems pretty. Much more attractive than she looked in all the pictures you showed us."

Gemini gave a sardonic grin, "So, the chit is beginning to take on her mother's looks. Heidi turned so many heads in her day. Too bad this girl's blood is mixed with that of Dietrich Schbeiker."

29 frowned in confusion, running a hand through his blond hair, "Who in the world is Heidi—"

"None of your bloody business, soldier." Gemini cut him off tersely. 29 shook his head to hide his irritated expression. The person on the screen had gone through one of his unpredictable moods again. "Of course, sir."

Gemini closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Very well. Keep watch on the girl. Scare her, if you will… rough her up a bit. We'll soon know if she really is the person that we are looking for. Anything else?"

The reply 29 gave was nonchalant, "She is with a man."

The person he was talking to raised his brow. "A man? The First wouldn't be pleased. It could also make things much more complicated."

29 shrugged in response. "I thought so. But he wouldn't bring us much trouble. The girl wouldn't breathe a single thing about Black Star and her past if she knows what's good for her. I can get her alone."

"Make sure of that."

29 smiled, pleased. He couldn't wait until he could do what they were best known for – turning others' lives upside down. Hilde Schbeiker wouldn't know what hit her. "Of course."

~~~

Heero Yuy regretted kissing Hilde Schbeiker. He knew that from the moment their lips met. For his impulsive action, if anything, could make or break them.

But he regretted one thing even more. He regretted the fact that more than anything, he took the greatest joy in the experience. That he felt freed when her mouth opened to his and accepted him, that he felt refreshed, renewed—as if he had found his unreachable completeness when she circled her arms around his. Tasting her was like tasting life. Seeing her eyes was like embracing the stars. It was as if a brilliant beacon had shot through the black of his existence. And he regretted that the fact that Hilde felt the same gave him such inexplicable pride, one that enflamed the fragile warmth within his protected core even more. He couldn't let go. And he regretted needing her even more so.

It was impossible. He had, and would have, many regrets.

But he couldn't care any longer. He could no longer fear.

Because for one moment, Hilde was his. Alone.

Heero's breath came in harsh rasps when he finally released her, and he noticed her face. Her eyes were even more brilliant than he had ever seen them, brightened by a light that outshone even the stars above, and her pale skin was flushed with an expressive, vibrant red colour. Her lips, ravaged, were half-open, and she was breathing deeply with him. But those eyes were now intently on his, and he had coloured those adorable cheeks, he knew with true pride, and those lips, those perfect lips had been claimed by him. Him.

For he was also hers this time. Hers alone.

And that was all that mattered.

And for that brief moment, Heero felt something unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. Something strong and prominent, something unforgettable.

Happiness. A happiness so new, so great that it made up for all the destruction he had been through in his life. Heero could choose to go over and over his wretched life again just for this moment. He now discovered purpose, he had found reason. There was something worth living for, after all.

Heero could not, would not regret that.

"Heero," Hilde began from beneath him, her voice breathless, a bit questioning.

"Quiet, Hilde." He commanded in a whisper, covering her lips once more with his own. He couldn't get enough of her. Burying his hand possessively in her hair, he heard her sigh of contentment before she closed her eyes. He then ran experimental fingers over her jaw, causing her to shiver, "Don't stop." Heero asked. Not now. He would not allow this to end yet. It was the only thing that mattered in the world at this moment. "Just a while longer," he urged her desperately. Just this time. With her.

Hilde opened her eyes to him, and when she finally spoke, her voice was choked in an emotional whisper. "I—I understand." Her fingers rested on his face. 

_Forget. Be happy. Last._

Heero didn't need to reply. Instead, he lowered his face to hers once more, now fervently kissing her nose, her lids, trying to touch every part of her face, bringing to mind how she felt, how she whispered his name, and how she would close her eyes. He needed to remember this forever. And he knew Hilde felt it too, she needed him as well—she cared. Someone found him worthy of affection—and it was Hilde. He could never admit it to her, but that was what mattered the most, that it was she and no one else. It was she, all that she was and all that she gave him, all of her that ensnared him… it was she whom he wanted, with all his being. And with that, he knew, with whole certainty, that this was worth remembering, worth holding on to.

Hilde stopped him in his plight, lifting his face above hers to gaze at him. "Your eyes, Heero," she began, amazed. You're more beautiful this way." She raised herself to place kisses on his jaw, and he closed his eyes at the wonderful sensation. "_Nein_," she whispered to him. "Open your eyes… I want to remember them."

Heero started at that. A memory unfolded in his mind then. Expressive eyes were a weakness, disallowed to him, even when he was young. It was the cause of one's downfall, the way to read into an unarmed man's soul. It was said to be disgusting to see emotion-filled eyes, it was a disgrace. Never, ever would he reveal who he really was.

_Beautiful._ Hilde's eyes were wide with awe, with joy, with life. They told of warm, vibrant emotions, of hope. It was a vision. Was that what she was seeing in him right now? _I want to remember them._ Beautiful eyes… he was capable of the life he had so wanted.

Filled with an emotion beyond comprehension, he claimed her mouth roughly with his once more, sealing her breath with his lips, trying, for once, to express how he really felt. And it was when he had finally managed to let go of her when he whispered to her ear in an unsteady, hushed voice. "_Kirei_… _iie, Hilde-Koishii_… _this_ is beautiful." He planted tender lips to her ear and started whispering words that only she would hear, playing with her hair as he spoke Japanese thoughts that he couldn't express in other words. 

_Hai_, no regrets. He could feel. He felt beyond content, so satisfied that he even gained the courage to smile. He was so unbelievably amazed about how this, how overcoming his fears and merely reaching out for her, and then allowing her to touch him for the first time,was worth it all. Heero was so pleased about having gone this far that he even started believing.

What was to dream? To dream the way Hilde did? It wasn't blinding yourself with foolishness, it wasn't aiming for impossible things. It wasn't forcing yourself to go on for nothing. It wasn't even remotely idealistic. But the real essence of dreaming for her was different. To dream was to hope, to find a way to give meaning to everything in your life, to build something special in a world that didn't believe in such things anymore. It was to forgive yourself, to try to _live_. To be. To see the highest point where you can transcend and reach fulfilment… and to gain it, even against all odds. It was to see beyond what others saw; it was the epitome of maturity and innocence. It was to love.

Heero suddenly knew.

And it was stupid, it was quixotic, unbearable, but he was now willing to take the chance. _Masaka_, he didn't even know if he could start doing it, let alone living it, but he would try. This, he vowed to himself as Hilde trembled in his arms. Then maybe he could learn to hope, then to find meaning, and cherish what he had, then he could forgive, then live, then grow. Then love.

Heero was going to dream. 

~~~

Bliss defined the moments when they let go of everything, when Hilde buried her fingers into Heero's hair and opened her lips to his gently unyielding ones, feeling his hands clutch at her own locks with passion. For a few seconds, so many words just for Heero came to her mind, but none came out as she gave her all to the sparse time they had with each other. Heero held her tighter and their tender kisses deepened with every touch. No one resisted when one's hand came to rest on the other to pull them nearer together. Since deep inside they both knew that once they separated, there would be many questions they weren't prepared to answer, decisions they weren't ready to make, and consequences that they couldn't handle. 

And maybe the small interlude in time would never cease from their memories. Maybe the passion of the littlest minutes that was evidently apparent in the way Heero tenderly cradled Hilde's cheek and allowed his fingertips to brush alluringly against her skin would remain in her mind forever, tormenting her eternally. And perhaps, her voice when she sighed out his name was a sound that Heero would never forget. But for that time, nothing mattered. The world didn't exist anymore, there were only the two of them—nothing and no one else would stop that.

For a moment, they both found fulfilment.

Hilde almost wished that things could actually be.

And suddenly, the night stilled when the two of them slowly separated. Heero's breath came in harsh rasps as he lifted himself from her, sage blue eyes slowly widening as he looked down at Hilde. Her arms remained around his neck, though she was very much aware that her hands were shaking.

"Hilde…" Heero muttered huskily, eyes never leaving hers as he withdrew his hand from its possessive tangle in her hair. 

There was a silent question in his words.

There was also a tinge of fear in his eyes, as if her reaction mattered much to him. To some degree, there was some agitation in them, disturbed anger in fact. Like he knew that he would regret touching her, but that he wouldn't have taken the moment back for anything. And it was strange, seeing so many tense emotions flicker past those beautifully unguarded eyes. There was no turning back now, Hilde realized, when the question she knew they had both been dreading appeared silently in his orbs. The truth had been revealed, and it stood glaringly before them. _What now?_

Hilde shook her head as she tried to compose herself, aware that her heart was still beating madly. Goodness, she couldn't even think well about what should happen. She knew that this was wrong, wrong for many, many reasons that she presently couldn't recall. But she also _felt_ that it was so… right, like she was filled, that they could take on the world as long as they stayed this way. She lowered her hand onto Heero's cheek, and for a moment, he relaxed, closing his eyes as he leaned in to her palm. And with that, Hilde wondered if he felt the same way.

But who knew this was going to happen? Hilde still felt that this was all a silly dream that she so hoped would come true. Yes, deep inside, she had to admit that in one or more ways, she had wanted this to happen. Hilde was aware of her growing feelings for the man before her. But never had she imagined that his feelings ran just as deeply. Yet his lips and his eyes, his tenderness had just thoroughly proven that. And till now, she still felt that wonderment at the revelation. As well as the extreme happiness.

Extreme, boundless happiness. Like a breath of fresh air into her tied up, frustrated life. A new chance, filling her with bright, charged hopes. She was revitalized, fulfilled. It felt like a dream within her reach. And with it, she knew that she could face tomorrow with a smile. Yes, Hilde acknowledged painstakingly, all in a single kiss.

Yet, will it last?

"Heero," she whispered, tracing his jaw tenderly to ease the tension that had set in there. He was getting impatient, understandably so, for he was beginning to worry. Hilde sighed at the thought, she discovered that much at the feel of his jaw. That enough blatantly told her about how much she really felt for him.

Hilde took a deep breath. Something could begin this night, something that, no matter how she tried to deny it, was what they had both wanted, no, _needed_ for a very long time. And at the same time, this could all end, for they both knew that no matter how meaningful it was, it wasn't right. It could also mean the end of their good relationship. And it all depended on her. Heero had made his decision; he was willing to give, and he feared no longer. 

Hilde smiled him softly, glad with his empathy. The she closed her eyes. She wasn't sure about what she was going to say, or how she was going to say it. She was only sure about how she felt at the moment and how she _knew_, still deep within, that she wanted to feel the same thing with him. _Forever, if I could… if I only could._ And now, she realized that the only thing she could give was her honesty. 

Hilde knew that she couldn't let such a thing with Heero go. Even if she had been in her most sensible state, she would still want to keep this with him. This was her Heero. The man whom she had taken in roughly a month ago, never expecting that he would end up the one helping her. He could be harsher than the strongest of storms, firmer than any man, stronger than any soldier, and very detached. But at the same time, he could be the gentlest, most mystifying, considerate and supportive person she had ever met. He was as handsome as he was intimidating, as fearless as he was kind. And throughout all these contradictions, she ended up falling for him, to some unexplainable degree that grew with every moment they spent together. She felt so much for him. If only what they had was possible… then maybe… maybe… it would have been wonderful. And so much more.

Hilde raised her lids. She could not deny what she felt for Heero now. She was falling fast, and no matter how she denied it, she now realized that she had been helpless against her feelings for him. Helpless from the start. 

But Hilde knew that even though the damage had been made, she could still rectify it. She didn't want to be unfair to Heero, or to anyone else. Saying yes to him would be wrong.

And yet, even with this, Hilde still could not say 'no,' could not stop herself from falling.

She turned confused eyes to him; "You make me want to say yes so badly."

Heero's eyes had now taken a passionate glitter, "Then, why don't you?"

But before Hilde could reply, Heero already rose up. Her eyes widened as he lifted himself and stepped away from her. He took a deep breath, as if readying himself for something, then turned his back to her. Hilde's heart surged at the vision of him before her, capable of leaving. Distance could easily bury what they had both just shared. _No._

Hilde shook her head and stood up, intent on following him. "Heero—"

He suddenly spoke to her, his voice, though whispered, was as strong as ever. "Look up."

And she followed his vision back to her stars. The jewels which symbolized her dreams. Hilde's eyes widened, suddenly on the onset of a yet unnameable realization. But she did understand something clear, though. She wasn't the only one gazing at the stars now.

"I don't know what to say," Heero began, his back still turned to her as he lifted his head to the same direction, "If I even have the right to say them. But I do know this much," he paused, taking a deep breath. "That I have never—" 

Hilde took a step forward as his voice fell into an even deeper, fevered tone. His back straightened as he went on, "That I have never asked for anything I ever needed or wanted from anyone. That I never wanted anything so much. That I never even dared to try." He tilted his head sideways, away from her. 

"You think this is wrong." Heero went on. "Impossible, dangerous. Dishonest, ironic. You might not have expected it. There's still too much complication in your life now. You don't want this." Hilde started at his words, spoken harshly, accurately.

She reached a hand towards his back, holding on despite the stiffness she was accosted with. "You are right." She took a deep breath and began, shaking her other hand to emphasize her point. "This… _this_ wasn't supposed to happen. I thought I could deal with it, that I could stop it in time. But I _feel_ it here, Heero." She shook her head. "I'm not supposed to be… doing this—feeling this. But…"

"Can you stop it?" Heero asked quietly.

Hilde closed her eyes and shook her head from behind him. "I don't know." She sighed, then, without caring anymore for precaution, wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his back to hide it. "But you know what? The way I see things now, things have become different, especially the way things are with you. Even though you could be such a bull-headed jerk at times, when I see your face, when I hear your voice, I feel like I can let go of everything. I may not know," she confided, aware of the shameless blush on her face. "But I know that deep inside, I don't want to."

"You… do not want to." Heero repeated, his voice now breathless. Slowly, his hand covered both of her from before him. Then he gazed upwards. "And I'm looking at the stars." 

Her voice was frighteningly hesitant. "Do you want to stop?"

"No."

Silence. 

Whispers from within rose. Warnings struggled for dominance once more, and battles were waged inside. Memories danced fleetingly and questions were asked. Doubts were prominent. But most of all, feelings… feelings were felt.

_You can still love…_

_…Make me do stupid things… for you…_

_Don't let me go…_

_Never._

_I don't want you to leave._

___I'm not leaving you._

_I was hoping it would be that._

_I wanted to see you smile._

"Hilde…" Was all that came out from his lips.

Hilde looked up at him, broken from her thoughts. "Yes?"

"Say it. That is all that I ask from you. Say it... let me try."

Hilde's eyes widened, "Say what?"

And now, Heero turned to her, his hands settling firmly on her shoulders as his eyes conveyed the inexplicable emotions within him. He crushed her to him before he revealed to her ear in a thick voice, 

"Say yes."

His voice was so soft, so tender. And in that, she knew. He was willing to have her, for all that she was. He was going to take that risk for her. He was willing to try now. To live. To make a dream. 

And that alone was enough.

Hilde shook her head at the tears that phrase tried to bring to her eyes and stared up at Heero. And as his hand crept up to fit hers with it, softly, she whispered,

"_Ja._"

And light had filled Heero's eyes at her softly-spoken proclamation. Slowly, tension eased away from him, and ease and anticipation took its place. A lively flushed colour spread delicately on his handsome features. There was enlightenment within her as she noticed how he now stared back at her… no more doubts, for there was now a reason. There was now new hope. Faith even. Joy. Hilde struggled in vain to keep the tears from her eyes this time, aware of her heightened emotionality, but all was forgotten when Heero traced his fingers over her lips, giving a ragged breath as he whispered her name.

_Follow your dreams._

And this time, when they kissed, there were no more words.

~~~

Duo Maxwell silently walked back to his temporary quarters in the Preventers' Base, seeking the comfort of much needed sleep. The organization was all in a flurry, frantic to assemble units in case of another war; the Gundam pilots had done their parts as well. He had been training in the use of his Gundam by simulation, and it wouldn't be soon until he could take it out for real. He couldn't wait to do it, for the _Phoebus_ was the sole thing that took his attention from their problems these days. It was not the _Deathscythe_ but it helped him just as well.

They may have been advancing when it came to artillery, but when it came to the knowledge of the enemy, the Preventers' hands were empty.

_Damn._

Another war, another stupid war. Why couldn't these people all just up and go? When would he finally get to rest? It was an endless cycle, and before anyone knew it, they would all be facing death once more. But this was more risky. They had no information about the enemy and what they will be doing next, nor did they know its actual purpose. Aside from that, they had to familiarize themselves with new weapons, and they were one pilot short.

And that pilot might as well have been working with the enemy.

Duo sighed at the negative trail of his thoughts and ran a hand through his bangs, trying to sooth the tension he was feeling. Damn it all, he wasn't used to feeling this negative.

And through all this, he still had no idea where his Hilde was.

He started muttering colourful phrases under his breath to release the apprehension within him. If anything happened to her, he would never forgive himself. He knew that Hilde had problems with her past, but had never pressured her into revealing what she wasn't willing to tell. But, damn it, if she had anything important to tell him, she darn should have! 

And now he was worried, too anxious about her whereabouts. Didn't she know that she could tell him about whatever it was that bothered her? That he would do everything in his right to help her?They had been together for _years_, what could be so bad that it could drive her to leave them? Not just them, damn it, _him_! She knew that he cared, that he would bloody well go to hell and back for her if she needed him to. She knew that he _needed_ her, no, that he bloody well _loved_ her, even if didn't say it all that much. She _knew_!

Duo released a deep breath and tried to calm himself. But the reality was still there: Hilde was nowhere to be found and he didn't know where to look for her. She could be more stubborn than the rest of the Sweepers combined when she wanted to, and when she didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. But why the bloody hell did she have to hide from _him_?

He typed in his entry code to open the door to his room, tossing his jacket into the closet after he did so. His vid-com was beeping, indicating a well-timed call. Frowning, he strode purposely towards the side of the bed and flicked on the activator. "Hello?"

"Hey there, boy!" Howard's annoyingly hopeful face appeared on the screen and Duo scowled. "Do you have any idea what time it is, Old Man?"

The goatee sporting elder nodded cheerfully, "A good eight-thirty in the evening for you, not too early and not too late. We've been trying to contact you all day… But now that I think about it, you look like you've been run over by all five Gundams. Dang it boy, what in the world happened?"

Duo glared at him heatedly, "Black Star happened."

Before Howard could speak, a muscular hand yanked him off the screen and Lot, a fellow Sweeper, moved before him. "Hey there, kid. Nice seeing ya, though I can't imagine you being _that_ busy and all that."

Duo finally gave a lazy smile, amused by his words. Lot had been with them for years. The warm middle-aged man was the only one who was able to put up with Duo's pranks and endless humour. "'Evening, Scot. Why do you guys so conveniently want to talk to me at _this_ hour?"

Lot glanced at his watch, "It's only eight-thirty, your time, kid—"

"Not the bloody point."

The choice of words brought a worried light to Lot's brilliant blue-green eyes. They had all learned to use the word as an expression when Hilde started using it whenever she was upset. Duo's eyes widened as Lot's expression revealed their purpose for calling him. 

"Have you found her?"

Slowly, silently, Duo shook his head. Minutes of dull silence passed between them, roughly pushing them both deep in thought. Finally, Lot sighed. "I'm sorry."

Duo placed a hand on his forehead, frustrated. "I know. It's just that I can't find the time to look for her, what with all the training and briefings we have to go through. How about you? Any luck?"

Lot shook his head dejectedly. "I'm quite sure that the girl wouldn't go back to Earth. She fears it too much, though I never understood why. But we still have no idea where she went. The colonies are very large places. It's easy to hide, hard to seek."

Duo gave him a fierce look. "Do you think she's hiding from us?"

Howard joined the other man at Duo's deathly serious question. "What do you think? You should know."

Duo bristled at the question. "No. That's impossible. She can't be hiding from me."

The sudden change in words immediately indicated the personal effect of the incident on Duo and emphasized the depth of their relationship – and his doubts. "No, of course not," Howard assured him in a rare display of seriousness. "But we do believe that she's hiding from something."

Duo reflected at their words. Hilde's unusual behaviour on the weeks prior to her departure indicated as much. Closing his eyes to hide the worry he was obviously displaying in them, he nodded. "That's… true."

The two men, now noticing the extent of Duo's exhaustion, nodded to each other and spoke. "We'll talk soon kid. You better get your rest and stop worrying about her. You have many things to do. Don't worry though, we won't stop in our search. We'll have our girl back and safe in no time."

When Duo opened his eyes, the two had already ended the phone call, leaving a blank screen. Duo took a deep breath and decided to do as they had ordered, but when he began to rise, he noticed the blinking light in the console, indicating a recorded message. Not bothering to hide his exasperation, Duo activated the next message.

The screen blinked to life once more, and Lady Une's face appeared in the general call. "Good evening to all of you. I just called to inform all of those concerned on a new discovery about the potential threat, Black Star. Though this information may deem useless to some, we are hoping to find other leads to our opponents with this. We have here the official insignia of the Black Star. Familiarize yourself with it for future use. If you find that you have seen the mark before, contact me as soon as possible. Thank you."

An image of a black star filled the screen. Duo suddenly squinted, a recollection of the image tugging at the corners of his mind. Upon further inspection, he noticed that the lower right region of the star sported a darker circle, and that a gold colouring bordered it above. His heart started pounding madly, the answer to the puzzle before him hovering painstakingly near his grasp. He _knew_ the mark… he'd seen it before… on pale skin…

"You have a tattoo?" Duo asked incredulously as he noticed the mark on her back. Panic immediately flashed through her eyes. It was as if the observation brought out many unpleasant memories. Hilde turned away, hiding her face, and the sign from him. "It's n-nothing. I mean, it doesn't really matter—it's just a silly mark. A mistake." 

Duo lurched forward from his seat, heaving deep breaths as he stood up.

Hilde.

Black Star.

She had left him more than a month ago, a day before the call for defence against the Black Star.She was hiding from something_._ And she was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, things made more sense.

_Shit._

Duo grabbed the console and started entering Lady Une's number. They should bloody well start acting now; the woman he loved was in danger.

~~~

He saw them even before they knew he was there.

"You should have brought your jacket."

Nicky crouched low at the gate at the end of the fence, his Amazing Super Pilots forgotten at his side as he waited for Hilde and Heero to arrive at his point. He had waited all afternoon for them to arrive. It would be great to surprise the wits out of them now. It was something the boy hadn't tried yet.

"I know." Hilde's voice had teasing warmth within it. 

"You're cold." Heero announced pointedly, his voice a bit mocking. Nicky peeked just in time to watch a small, affectionate smile grace the once stubbornly stoic's man face. And even through the darkness, he saw the changes in Heero. His eyes were nicer than usual, warmer, like he suddenly became younger, Nicky appropriated, since that was the term the boy's mother used when they saw similar expressions on TV. It was then when the boy noticed how Hilde was holding his hand. Nicky immediately hid back.

"I know." She answered lightly once more.

"_Hai._"

Laughter. "I'm in _no_ danger yet, sir. I assure you, I've been through much worse." 

Wait! Holding hands? Nicky looked back.

Hilde had released Heero's hand and was using her own ones to help convey her message. "Besides," she pointed at him, "You were the one who was sick, not me. _You_ should have brought yours." 

She had been walking ahead of him at that point. But all that Heero did as a response was to mutter an expressive "Hn," and to reach out a hand to suddenly pull Hilde nearer, an act that not even Nicky could let pass. _What?_

His arms were around her shoulders, holding her nearer, like he owned her, and was proud of it. But despite this suddenly mature observation, Nicky also realized that Heero didn't care about what others were thinking, for his eyes were only on Hilde. Laughing eyes. On her, alone.

Nicky brightened, so his predictions about the silly chrysanthemum that made Mr. Heero grumpy were actually true! Heero cared for her, even though he kept on trying to hide it. Hilde also had a crush on him, because she seemed happier whenever he was around. She was also looking at him the same way he looked at her.

Hilde suddenly had a mischievous look in her eyes, "And I tell you, if ever you get sick on me like that again, I _will_ make you bake!"

Heero noticeably paled several shades at that. Nicky almost laughed.

Meanwhile, Heero was enjoying their usual bantering session more than he expected to. It just felt natural, so right, to be speaking so freely, so lightly once more, like they had no problems in the world, after sharing such an important moment earlier. A sudden chill caused their early retirement, and though they began their trip back home in contemplative silence, a playful nudge from the German started another repartee for them. He obliged her, of course; he enjoyed sparring verbally with the girl, and defeating her, then seeing her blush like crazy, or pout irresistibly… _Baka_. He shook his head. It wasn't only that, doing so made him feel more normal, more assured, pleased.

Of course, being forced to cook was a serious issue. Or Bake, _shimatta_, whatever.

"You talk too much."

A triumphant smile flitted across Hilde's face. She thought he'd already conceded, Heero realized with a scowl. Never. "I know," she answered once more. The minx just knew when to pull the right strings. Even by just repeating the same darned words.

"What are you going to do about it?" she went on, her eyebrow raising.

_Of course_.

Heero suddenly tightened his hold on her, catching her by surprise as he tilted her chin upward. There goes that blush again. He just felt so damn _arrogant_ whenever he witnessed it. Heero took a deep breath as he traced her jaw line with his thumb. Hilde's eyes were narrowing, and he was tempted just to show her how easily she could melt against him. But he simply delivered the answer that he knew would set off her temper, but was the truth. "Nothing, absolutely nothing."

And with that, he released Hilde altogether and continued walking in their direction. The girl started sputtering embarrassedly from behind him, and he smirked. The once biting chill of the night became a comfortable breeze all of a sudden, and the lights that danced in Hilde's eyes despite the darkness made the milieu brim with warmth. _Masaka,_ it felt so good, doing this. Not caring about the pain, not hiding, just doing what he wanted to do… knowing that she cared, that she also wanted this…

"That's just it?—"

So free, something he never dared feel before.To laugh, to feel…

"That, Heero Yuy, is inexcusably the most pathetic, lamest, most _lacking_, wishy-washy, _dumm_ answer I've ever—"

And he whirled around and grabbed Hilde, hauling her and trapping her between him and the fence even before she had the chance to yelp out another German expletive. That was the advantage, Heero knew with pleasure, of being good at what you're doing. He stared mockingly at her flustered expression, smiling at her indignation. "You were saying?" He whispered, his fingers touching her neck.

"That—this is unfair," his fingers explored behind her neck, and he delighted in the softness silently. "Stop that," she groaned out. "That was unfair and," Heero buried his fingers in her hair, "y-you know it."

"Hmm."

"Yuy!" She gasped out as his thumb grazed her ear. "Can't think… Stop that…" Hilde grabbed his hand and laughed, pushing the hand to a safe distance from her face. "Ha!"

Heero shook his head and grabbed her hand instead, putting it down as he pushed nearer to her. She smiled back, giggling tentatively as she met his face bravely. "What can you say now?" 

Yes, Hilde affirmed in her mind, what would he say now? The idiot had a smirk (darn her, a _handsome_ smirk) on his face right now, and she wanted nothing more than to wipe it off his face. If only he didn't distract her as much… made her feel giddy and deliriously pleased, then maybe she could easily accomplish that. 

But now, she could only revel in this moment, in seeing him smile, in feeling, just this once, that all was right in the world. That it was just them and no one else, that what they were doing was right. That it could last forever.

Hilde was jolted from her thoughts when Heero suddenly buried his face in her neck, eliciting a surprised sound from her. Her arms went around him when he started clutching her, and silence overcame them. He seemed to be thinking her thoughts as well. Hilde nodded and closed her eyes. _I know._ Then she tightened her hold on him in assurance.

They remained in that vulnerable state for several more moments. Held in an intimate moment in the darkness, reviving themselves each other's presence. Nothing else mattered for now. Hilde knew that they both needed it.

"Don't stop."

Hilde's eyes shot open. _What?_

Heero lifted his head and faced her, his expression now fronted by that darn teasing (even _more_ handsome) smile. Well, he was certainly very _recovered_. He shook his head at her and tugged on her hair good-naturedly, "My answer to your question." He clarified.

"Your answer… to my question…" Hilde comprehended dumbly.

"My pathetic, lame, wishy-washy, _dumm_ answer to your question," Heero repeated for her. Hilde's eyes widened at that, and she waited in anticipation. "Is?"

He lowered his face to hers. "Keep talking. To me."

Hilde's breath stopped, and her eyes touched his.

Her last thought before their lips met was, _darn_ this was a conspiracy, the man just knew _how_ to make her melt… and she was falling even more deeply, dangerously…

"_Hilde die Größe!_"

They both jumped.

_Yikes!_ Auch—

_Shimatta._

_Yuck_, cooties.

Hilde laughed nervously and gave Heero a naughty wink before pushing him off her. The man complied with a sigh, but followed it with a teasing look, speculating on how she was going to face the child. Hilde shook her head and shook her shoulders confidently in a gesture that blatantly stated, 'Watch me,' of course, away from Nicky, then smiled and faced the child before Heero had the chance to grab her.

"Hey there Nicky," Hilde greeted a bit too breathlessly and in a voice that was higher in pitch than usual. Nicky crumpled his face at her, and she grinned affectionately. "You got us there, you prankster. And I know, I heard that. Just keep calling me that and I promise you, you will forever be on my good side. Hey, I might even help you find a real girlfriend one day."

Nicky nodded proudly, pounding his palm to his chest. His accomplishment had been noticed. "I'm good, ain't I?"

Hilde nodded smugly, holding the same accomplished look in her eyes. "Of course."

Heero simply turned questioning eyes to Hilde. She shrugged, a deceivingly innocent look on her face as she explained. "_Hilde die Größe._ It means 'Hilde the Great.'"

Heero rolled his eyes at her and she winked at him. "I have me pride, ye know?" she repeated in that German way of hers, reminding Heero of the night when she irritated the heck out of him with her little revenge stunt. A possibility rose in his mind. Maybe everything really began there, that night; maybe even earlier, when he first saw her on the alley, staring incredulously at him despite the heavy rain that surrounded them.

"'Forever on your good side'?' Heero went on. But Hilde deliberately ignored the taunt in that remark. If Heero started giving her names or endearments, she didn't know what she would do. Melt in his arms, probably, and that was just too much embarrassment for a girl with her pride. 

Nicky, meanwhile, didn't like all the lack of attention on him, _and_ the apparent intimacy that left him at ignorance. He stomped his foot. "You both look like you've been given a surprise present or something. Like a new puppy." He relayed his observation, brilliant blue eyes watching the two of them curiously. 

On his hand was a toy plane replete with small figurines. Hilde pursed her lips as Nicky's amazing super pilots suddenly became the most interesting things in the world.

Heero's voice was wry when he answered Nicky, "A surprise present, _ne_?" Hilde blushed even more, feeling the question thrown to her. When she looked up, she saw his eyes on her, a mocking, amused look in them. She almost stuck her tongue out at him. But that meant losing. "I prefer rabbits. They don't bite. And they have red eyes."

Heero smirked. "Red eyes, apples and berets."

"Don't even start." Hilde warned, now letting go of her inhibitions to stick her tongue out and wave a fist at his face. "I don't have an obsession for spandex."

_That was a very, very, nice one._

"_Baka_, it's been a long time since I last wore them." Heero glared at her despite their light-hearted humour. Hilde shook her head at him and gave him a radiant smile, noticing the adorable flush that had settled on his cheeks. But before she turned to Nicky, who now looked impatient due to the lack of attention given to him, she turned to whisper assuredly, "Don't worry, I always thought you looked hot in them." 

She had the pleasure of seeing his blush grow before turning her eyes back on Nicky. A thought suddenly came to her, and she knelt before him. "But what are you doing out here this late?" Hilde asked him, concern in her voice. "You should be inside. Don't you know how dangerous it is during these hours? Especially," she paused to tug on the child's chocolate locks, "for cute little guys like you?" 

Nicky's smile grew, but he obliged them with an explanation. "I was waiting for you. I've got your umbrella here."

At the mention of the umbrella, Hilde and Heero's gazes met, and Hilde simply smiled to dismiss thoughts of the troubles the lack of the umbrella caused them. Heero stepped behind her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, _Never again_ he seemed to promise.

Hilde nodded, then looked back to Nicky, "I see. Well, maybe we should go get it now."

Nicky nodded at that. "Where were you two, anyway? What were you doing?"

Heero's clearing of the throat and the amused choke he repressed did nothing to help Hilde make a creative explanation. She decided against rambling and smiled at Heero knowingly before she turned back to Nicky. "We were watching the stars, Nicky."

Soon, Nicky was left on the porch of his house, waving enthusiastically as Hilde saluted him from across the yard. He watched the two of them as they returned to their own house, taking all the time in the world to do so. They hadn't even arrived at their destination when they began to hold each other again. _Gross_, Nicky thought, _Cooties_, for he was a child who, amazingly, liked pretty girls, just not the thought of kissing them. 

Suddenly, a creepy feeling went over him, like the ones he had whenever he watched scary movies when Mama and Papa weren't around. The child gave a quick look around the yard, was a bad guy watching him? It felt weird.

Nicky simply shrugged and dashed back towards his house, forgetting those disturbing thoughts. He felt even happier about himself now, for he _had_ been right about Mr. Heero and Hilde. Clearly, his predictions to Mr. Heero came true. The magic trick with the flower did work: the two of them were together. He didn't need his super pilots now for he had a new mission: he was going to be a magician.

(Continued in Section II)


	13. Part 10, Section Two: -Don't say you're ...

In the Arms of Destruction, Part 10 (Section 2)

In the Arms of Destruction, Part 10 (Section 2)

So she was walking in the clouds.

Hilde snorted, _okay, so that was an understatement_. So she was out here, in their yard at six am, hanging their clothes to dry. So the dang washing machine Heero had repaired twice already was broken again, and she had to do the laundry so early in the morning. So she was up so early because she couldn't sleep any longer. 

It didn't matter.

So she was ecstatic beyond words. So she was happy, excited, anticipating. So she knew that she was falling, fast. She knew that the world couldn't be more perfect. Hilde gazed at the eagerly extending rays of the sun that lightened the free side of their horizon. Yes, she was greeting this day with a smile, with the joy that she had terribly lacked for the past few months. So she felt reborn.

Yes, she was happy. Yes, she was falling in love. 

Hilde sighed, closing her eyes dreamily as she unknowingly clutched the bed sheet she was hanging nearer to herself. She had never, ever expected to be in this predicament right now. And she didn't regret it. No—never, not one thing about it.

Not the earth-shattering kiss they had shared under the stars. Not the way she heard him say her name. Not how his arms felt when he wrapped them around her waist. Not every single word he had uttered to her, from the hesitant, passionate confessions he gave her at the beginning of their nocturnal trip, to how he asked her to say yes to him. 

Not the way she was feeling right now.

_I could stay like this forever,_ Hilde admitted to herself again, realizing how much the event had changed her. With what they had, she could forget all other things to be feared. She could forget that she was in danger, that, heck, _everyone_ was in danger. She could face anything.

Hilde gave a small laugh as she remembered something, _even burnt lasagne_.

Last night had been wonderful. Hilde grinned to herself and recalled the other night's events as she headed to the porch to seek out another rug. It was hilarious, even. From the way they both stumbled within the house, with her trying to get him to cook (okay, so he caught her when he mocked that she was still mourning over the lost game of 'I've Never'), to the way they ended the night, reading together in the living room, book soon forgotten. 

It started when they both entered the house, with her looking for the darn umbrella stand that had suddenly disappeared. She knew that she had moved it, but really couldn't recall where. It was then when Heero pointed out the exact location of the stand, by the doorway to the living room. And she, pleased as ever, remarked that he was beginning to know their house better than she did.

That caught him off guard, so it seemed—for reasons Hilde could only guess about. Soldiers never had homes, and she knew that for a fact. But it was the truth; this old wooden house became their home. She herself never expected that it would be; it was simply an old residence that belonged to her Instructor's anonymous connection. A place to run to… and hide in. And yes, it had become a place to return to but now, it was so much more than that. It had become a structure with warmth; she was getting attached to the place already as it is. Then there was the great neighbourhood, with Nicky and the others who accepted them as they were. But the most important thing of all was that the two of them, first wary, hostile strangers had _made_ the place 'home,' together. Maybe that was what caused him to make a sudden grab for her, even before she was able to locate the missing stand. 

He had placed his arms around her waist, the same way she had earlier that evening, and had drawn her nearer. There was a softness to his voice that reached her when he whispered gratefully, "Thank you."

Hilde released her breath at those two emotion-filled words, and she nodded, closing her eyes. "You don't have to thank me," she said finally as she opened her eyes. She grabbed his hand and placed a kiss on it. And with that, Heero turned her to face him instead. "Don't you think it should go the other way around?" she asked him in a hushed voice. 

He had simply held on tighter. Then he spoke, using his native Japanese again, telling her words that she couldn't understand. Words that were so full of emotion, words that he wasn't ready to make her comprehend yet. And that, at least, Hilde understood, as she buried her face onto his shoulder and heard the slight catch in his voice as more emotion lined his words. It was beautiful hearing Heero like that. No other proclamation seemed more sufficient.

And soon, feeling the need to go back to the world, she raised her eyes and smiled at him. "So this is how you feel whenever I start ranting in German." These emotional interludes were suddenly getting usual, she noted to herself. But that didn't matter, because truly, it was a sign that Heero Yuy was finally opening up to what he really felt, and even more important than that, he was also gaining the ability to express himself.

His eyes glinted mischievously as he loosened his hold on her. "Hilde, I try not to think about what you mean."

"Huh?" She raised her brow, confused.

"Calling me '_Hund_,' '_Fesch_,' '_Schweine_,' '_Dummkopf_' and adding _Verflucht_…"

"I said _those_?" Hilde asked incredulously, blushing to the tips of her ears.

Heero nodded, laughter in his eyes, as he continued, "—With 'Hitler' all of the time isn't really… making me curious about their meanings."

Hilde gave him a sheepish grin, "You weren't… cursing me earlier, were you?"

Heero leaned closer, trapping her between him and the wall as he lowered his face closer to hers. "The truth is, Hilde-_sama_, I was thinking about…" he paused thoughtfully. "Something else."

"I heard that," she protested weakly when he tilted her head upward. She didn't know what the suffix meant, but she knew that adding that to a name meant that the person was someone to be feared and respected. Darn it, she wasn't some overpowering, temperamental dominatrix! And the way he was rubbing his thumb over her jaw was distracting her—"Heero, not. Until. We. Cook."

"_Hilde die Größe._" He whispered teasingly, and Hilde moaned out loud as the umbrella fell from her fingers. When Heero used endearments, it was just _too_ much!

Proof of that was that they didn't start making dinner until twenty minutes later.

Hilde smiled at the memory. Indeed, the night was special. Yes, they made dinner. Twice. Heero's accident with the lasagne was a horror she didn't want to recall. Though she would be able to recount vividly what _caused_ those mishaps. The girl gave a laugh as she reached the door, she never recalled witnessing such a hilarious event in her life. _Distractions_ really weren't…helpful in… cooking. 

But aside from that, everything went by in their normal routine. From the way she badgered him as usual to set the table with her, to how he taunted her since it was her turn to wash the dirtier-than-usual dishes. It was as if they sought to make the night even more special by going through their normal activities extraordinarily well. Despite the predictability of what they were doing, everything felt different that night. For there were many gazes, many stolen kisses, many times when he darted a hand to play with the ends of her hair (he couldn't get enough of it, he admitted, causing her to dang melt again), and the strong awareness that something strong existed between the two of them.

And the night ended with another relaxing sitting. Hilde recalled how the flame in the fireplace illuminated the room as the two of them started by reading one book together. Soon though, it was left unnoticed as the two of them started talking about anything. Anything, as long as it didn't involve the people they left behind, and what they would be facing tomorrow. All that mattered was the present. Where maybe, just for once, they could feel and be normal.

She fell asleep in his arms that night.

And this time, there were no more nightmares. No more fear.

And waking up this morning, seeing his face looking so content as he slept, one arm still around her and a hand still tangled in her hair, had been one of the most precious moments she had ever experienced. 

Hilde paused and leaned over the railing of their porch. It had been hard getting out of the couch without waking him up. But it seemed that his wary instincts had settled down. He still had that peaceful look on his face when she finally got free. He was _still_ sleeping, strange for Heero. But it was good for him, anyway. He needed much rest these days. And then Hilde smiled as she remembered his countenance. Heero looked so different, so captivating when he was unguarded.

She hoped that he would finally be happy.

Nodding her head at the thought, Hilde set out to find the small rug that they had both ruined the other day. When she leaned over to reach for the article, a shadow fell over her.

Hilde tensed herself as she crouched low. No one would come visiting, and even if anyone would, no one would come at _this_ hour.

"Good morning to you, Hilde—is that your name?"

Hilde gasped and released the rug, sighing with a mixture of relief and exasperation with herself as she raised her hand to the back of her head in a sheepish gesture. She looked up and saw a woman with familiarly brilliant blue eyes. She was clad in her working clothes, as seen with the apron donned on her body, and there was a warm look on her face. Hilde gave a tentative smile. "Yes, it is my name. Good morning to you, too."

She lifted herself up and stared at the woman before her. She seemed to be middle-aged, what with the look in her eyes and the domestic apron, but she looked younger, more vibrant than what the age group Hilde had in mind usually presented. The woman grinned at Hilde. "Hi, I'm Aimee. Aimee Williams. I'm your next door neighbour."

Hilde bit her lip at the last name. Williams… it was familiar—"Hi, I'm… Hilde Schbeiker. I just moved in about a month and a half ago. Glad to meet you," she enthused as the other reached out her hand. "I've heard of you…" Hilde paused thoughtfully, _where have I heard that name…_ Then it suddenly returned to her. "Nicky!" She exclaimed.

Aimee nodded, "Yes, he's my son."

Hilde's smile grew as she gazed at the woman before her with admiration. "You're lucky to have a kid like him."

Aimee nodded proudly, tucking a stray wisp of curly black hair behind her ear. "I know, though he's been a handful. Don't tell me the boy has asked you out on a date! I wouldn't want to comment." 

Hilde laughed, "Don't worry. Your child's been very well behaved here."

The other woman smiled. "I know, he's been telling me about you."

Hilde's smile froze on her face. "Really?"

Aimee noticed Hilde's apprehension. "Don't worry, he didn't really say anything… um, embarrassing. As a matter of fact, I've heard nothing but praises about you. He told me you were going to be his next girlfriend."

"What?" Hilde sputtered, midnight blue eyes widening in shock.

Aimee waved a hand before her and snorted. "You know how that child is. Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and be the neighbour I ought to be. Welcome to Tirrill, hope it's not too late for me to say that."

Someone was welcoming them here. Hilde gave her an affectionate smile and sat down at the porch with her, "No, not at all."

Aimee winked at her. "So, how's the place so far?"

Hilde couldn't contain her pleasure, "It's been really great! The people are so nice, and everywhere, there's much to discover. It's not your normal, messed-up colony town."

"I know," Aimee remarked as she looked off in the distance. "It's just that ever since we moved in here a year ago, I never had the chance to get to know anyone else. Unlike my son," she quipped as she smiled at Hilde. "I guess I've been quite busy… and maybe I was just wary. I never really fitted in. It's hard you know, moving from one place to another. We were from earth, you see." Hilde nodded, understanding completely. She, herself, was a constant mover, and she knew how hard it was. However, it _was_ a wonder why the woman lacked friends right now, given her seeming confidence and her tendency to talk. "That's why when I found out about you from my son, I decided to come here… see for myself. And maybe, try again."

Hilde looked at her with warmth. "I would like that."

Soon, the two of them were talking like old friends. It turned out that Aimee was twenty-eight, a good ten years older than Hilde, and that she was barely pregnant with Nicky's younger sibling. Hilde found out all about Aimee's husband and his job, all in the short span of five minutes. It felt good making new friends again. It was like having an older sister.

"So, tell me about yourself," Aimee hushed, excited. Hilde shook her head, marvelling at the exuberance she contained. It was no wonder Aimee looked younger than her years. She spoke with a youthful glow. It was then when she recalled Aimee's statement.

"I don't know, there's really nothing to tell." _Here we go again_, Hilde thought sadly. Another time when she would have to lie again and face those horrid questions in her mind. Would she be able to fully introduce the real her one day without fearing other people's reactions? She didn't know.

"Oh come on," Aimee continued. "Tell me about that handsome man you're with. I've seen him from afar."

Hilde felt another blush forming in her cheeks. She shook her head and released her breath, smiling playfully. "Oh, him. He's my… housemate."

"Really?" Aimee's brow was raised suspiciously, and there was a knowing look in her eyes. 

"Yes!" Hilde answered, raising a hand. "And he's nice, considerate and supportive. He's a bit stubborn though, and sometimes a complete grudge. But he's interesting, deep, and even mysterious many times. He has a great temper, but he also has that wry sense of humour of his. He's…"

"Attractive?" Aimee spared her the word, grinning mischievously. 

"That too—"

"Too?"

"Okay, so he _is_ attractive. He's very attractive, so there!" Hilde sincerely hoped that the ever-betraying blush wasn't as obvious as she thought it was. "He's also got the most entrancing, searching, deep blue eyes. And then he has that way of speaking that makes you want to strangle him and kiss him even more at the same time. He can do anything you ask of him, and has this strange, unique charm…"

"Hilde?"

Hilde paused in her plight, "Huh?"

Aimee crossed her arms, winking at her good-humouredly, "Let's have this straight. From the sound of it, you two have a more than platonic relationship. Is he your boyfriend?"

Answering more out of habit rather than of thought, Hilde supplied, "No, 'course not."

Then, at those words, Hilde started, suddenly feeling a cold rush within her.

The woman beside her looked confused. "He isn't? Then who is?"

And at that question, the world came crashing back on Hilde's shoulders.

~~~

It was going to be more than horrible.

Hilde tore through the house, "Heero?" she asked out in a voice that trembled more than she wanted it to. She felt like she was facing hell itself. There was a weakness that held a cold hand over her heart inside. She wanted to be enveloped by the earth and not have to face the truth.

She closed her eyes and released a deep breath, wondering if she could go through with this. Hilde didn't know what she just entered, and how she was ever going to get out of it. Goodness, she _didn't_ want to get out of it. But she had just realized that she and Heero had forgotten about an important thing, and knew that she had to act. Hilde didn't know how she was going to recover after this. She didn't want to face this, she couldn't.

"Hilde."

No. Hilde shook her head and stared weakly at the doorway to the living room. Heero was standing there, looking like he had run from the corners of the earth back to her at her voice. There was a question in his gaze, one that hardened in a mixture of fear, anger, and concern when he saw her face.

"What happened to you?" Heero demanded, walking nearer.

Hilde took a step back, and Heero's eyes narrowed at that. She shook her head, not wanting to see him that way. Not wanting to see him hurt because of her. "I'm so, so sorry, Heero," she moaned out.

Heero looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face. "Hilde. What is it?" _Sorry for what?_The way he looked made it hard for Hilde to respond. Inside her, she wondered if Heero knew her answer already.

"I—I was talking to someone earlier." Hilde stammered out as she looked away. "A neighbour, Nicky's mom—"

"What the hell did she do to you?" Heero bit out as he stepped nearer. "And stop walking away from me, damn it!"

Hilde shook her head violently at his voice. "_Nein_! She didn't do anything to me. She asked about you." She stopped backing off from him. But goodness, if she allowed him any nearer, she wouldn't be able to go through with what she had to do.

Heero started at that, "What did she say?" His voice had taken on a savage edge.

Hilde was scared to go on. It was so hard… she was going against her own heart. But what could she do? She had to do what was needed, even if it meant—even if it meant breaking her heart.

Could she stand breaking Heero's heart?

"She asked if you were my boyfriend," she began, her voice unbearably soft. "I couldn't answer her. Because—"

Heero's gaze was steely as he cut her off. "What is this all about?"

Hilde shook her head at him. "Let me finish… Heero, this is about many things. This is about how we made a mistake. Because of this, we could ruin everything. There's still Relena, and Duo, and—"

Heero had grabbed her hand. There was a darkness in Prussian eyes as he spoke, "If this is about Duo, Hilde, tell me now and get it over with." 

"This is not about Duo alone and you know that!" Hilde couldn't bear the anger in his eyes, but the source for such made her even more upset. "It's more than him, damn it, you know me better than that!"

His eyes were hurt, filled with rage. He then grated out in a sarcastic voice. "Then tell me, Hilde. Tell me what this is all about. Tell me you cannot stand me, tell me you cannot accept a murderer, tell me you feel that I can never be capable of having the dreams you have, your love. Go ahead and stop hiding the truth." By then, the anger in his tone had resided to bitterness. Hilde pounded against his chest as she realized what he was doing, how his fears were slowly destroying him.

"Stop that, Heero Yuy! Never think that way. I won't have it," Hilde yelled back. "I would rather die than make you feel that way. Don't you ever think that! God help me, it's not that, and you should know it. You're more than what you think." Hilde shook her head. "I should know," she choked out. "Hurt me, will you? Not yourself."

Heero remained silent after that, then he released her hand and stepped back. He looked as if he couldn't believe her anymore, as if the world had frozen over. Hilde's tears started falling at that. _Damn it_! He looked worse than when she first saw him in that alley. Angry, lost.

"Tell me." He finally spoke, all life lost from his voice.

Hilde wanted to touch him, to kiss him, assure that everything was fine. That it was all a misunderstanding. That she didn't want to fail him, betray his trust. She did nothing. "Don't you understand? By doing this, we're turning against what really matters."

He said nothing. Hilde took a deep breath and forced herself to go through, praying to God that he would understand. "Last night was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Believe me when I say this Heero, I beg you, because that moment was the happiest one I've ever, _ever_ been in. _That_ is the truth."

Hilde placed her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold as she was affronted still with his silence. "But when Aimee asked me that question, I realized that, yes, I was happy, but Heero, I had also forgotten. I had conveniently forgotten about everything. I forgot that I was running from the past, I forgot that I had many obligations. I forgot that I might as well be found lying dead in a ditch elsewhere tomorrow because of all the dangers I have to face constantly. I forgot that you could be involved in that. I forgot about my problems, heck, Heero, I forgot the world. I forgot what mattered. I also forgot that I still have an unresolved relationship with Duo, and that you still have issues to sort out with Relena. I forgot everything. I _am_ happy, Heero. But at what price? Can't you see that?"

"You believe this is a mistake." Heero finally murmured. It was a statement, not a question.

"Never, Heero. Never a mistake," Hilde shook her head at him at those words. She wiped at her tears. "How can that be a mistake when it made me feel so whole, so happy, beyond anything I've ever experienced before? I will never, ever forget that. It will never be a mistake. And I hope that you would never look at it that way. Goodness, it's too precious for me to let go of."

Heero suddenly grabbed both of her shoulders, squeezing her. As if doing so would make him understand. "Then why?"

Hilde's vision had been blurred with her tears, but she gave him a direct stare. "I could let this go on, Heero. I could continue, being happy with you. But doing that would be so unfair to you. Because I would be doing what I've always done, Heero, and that was to pretend. I would be running away again from what I needed to face. I would be pretending that everything was resolved and all right. And that _is_ wrong. That is foolish. Because we both know that I have to act first, that I have to face everything now, and doing otherwise would only cause others to be hurt. And that," Hilde choked, unsure of how to express herself. "Is what I never want to do. I don't want to hurt you more than I am hurting you now. And hurting you, putting you in danger, is one regret I never want to have."

"And you don't think I'm being hurt now?" Heero let out angrily. "Don't you think I knew that? Damn it, I tried to push you away, remember? I tried to stop this. I tried walking away. _Kuso_, if there was anyone who knew what the consequences would be, it would be me, Hilde. Me. But you told me yourself that stopping it would be wrong."

Hilde almost lost her resolve at his words, spoken so angrily, filled with so much emotion. He was fighting… for what they had. "Please stop this, Heero, I won't be able to go on with this if you do. I will believe again… Heero I wasn't thinking about how everything else would be affected that time. I foolishly didn't see the risks—"

Heero shook his head, cutting her off. "Damn it, Hilde. Can't you see I _knew_ that? I knew! And I was willing to go through it all for you. I let go of everything for you. I was ready to take that risk. I knew we could both end up hurting, but I couldn't let this pass, because I believed we could make it.":

Hilde placed a hand to her temple. Her eyes turned to meet his turbulent ones, pleading. "You know we wouldn't make it. Not this way. We can't. Please understand, Heero… I don't want this to ruin who we are and what we should fight for."

"You want me to understand," Heero whispered softly. He closed his eyes, then took a deep breath. Hilde froze at that, feeling that she was now losing him. She placed a trembling hand to his cheek, but he didn't respond to her touch. Goodness, this was it, she realized, this was the end. She had taken one night of boundless joy, and had to pay the price. More tears fell from her eyes at that.

Heero then opened his eyes. "This is what I want you to understand." He began slowly. "I had believed that there would be many challenges to face, first within myself, and then with everything and everyone else. I knew what I would have to go through. I knew what you would have to face. Unlike you, I knew all those even before this all started, even when this was already happening." Heero shook his head, his eyes glistening sharply as a beam of sunlight sliced through the room. "And unlike you, I believed in you."

Hilde gasped at that, her hand fell from his face. But Heero grabbed it. "_You_ should know _that_. As foolish as it first seemed to me, I believed in us. In what _you_ made me believe was possible. I believed that if we both went through everything together, we would make it. We could face anything. We will be able to make things right. I would try. I never felt this way before, but for once, I wanted to live. To dream the way you did. Because of you. For you, Hilde Schbeiker."

He never spoke that way before. And now, Hilde couldn't speak, couldn't move. Time seemed to stop at his words. "I thought you knew that. I thought you had more faith. I thought we could make it. And if there would be any hardships, it would be because of me."

Heero released a sharp breath. "It turned out you had a lot less faith than that. I don't know who the hypocrite is, Hilde. Me, for making myself believe all of this, or you, for being the one who made me feel this way. You decide."

Hilde took a sharp breath at that, then tore her eyes away. She could not look at him now, not after those words. She simply shook her head and tried to block herself from the pain. The way Heero said those words… the way he held on to her, the way she knew she had made a damage that can never be rectified, all of these prevented that. She shivered at the truth in his words, about her mistake. There was no doubt about the answer to his question.

"Did you deserve it? Did you deserve all that I felt for you?" Heero's voice, sharp and painful, reached her ears. She was hurt, he was hurt. There was nothing she could do about it. Everything was too sudden, but what was happening meant something. And she was too confused, too frustrated about what she had to do, about what she would say, and what she had to believe in order to do what was best. She didn't know what to feel.

"No. I didn't deserve it," she whispered, in a voice that was so hollow, so emotionless that she could hardly believe it was her. The last time she heard herself speak that way was when she had to answer the way the First wanted her to in order to please him. She couldn't see her dreams then. And she could hardly find their fulfilment now. 

Suddenly, things became more than that. More than what they were arguing about.

Hilde didn't deserve Heero's trust, his emotions, his hope. She didn't deserve it now, for she had failed him. She lacked the faith to believe in what really mattered, whether that would be herself, him, or them. It was more than just their relationship now. It was who she was and how she had lived her life. The truth had come out, and the problem that she had had all these years had been revealed from Heero's lips. And to think that she had the nerve to tell him she had to face her problems, to tell Heero that he could love, that he should accept himself. That she had the gall to tell him that she would dream. The one thing that prevented her from really achieving all she wanted was revealed. She herself, didn't have the faith, or the conviction to believe in herself.

Which would explain why she never told Duo about her past, or why she ran off when she received the Black Star's threats, and why she still found it hard to face them. Which would explain why she was hurting Heero now.

Yes, Hilde would give a lot to gain what was right, but she had never fully given herself, and as a result, never truly succeeded. All because she, herself, feared. All because she was too scared to believe in something, in herself, in anything with her whole heart.

Hilde might have revealed Heero's ultimate weakness, but it was only now that she truly found out hers. She couldn't go on with that, not unless she learned to face her own mistakes. She couldn't be with Heero Yuy. Knowing what she was now feeling, she knew she would only end up hurting him more.

"I don't deserve you."

And with that, Heero's eyes widened, reflecting the hurt she had never, ever wanted to see there. Reflecting the pain he, himself, saw in her eyes. Hilde wondered if he understood. Slowly, his hands slid down from her shoulder and released her. He let out a deep breath and stepped away from her. Then, without a word, he gradually stepped out of the room, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I'm so sorry…" Hilde let out, speaking not only to Heero, but to her Instructor, to Duo, to Howard, Lot, and the Sweepers, to Relena, to everyone. But mostly, to herself. For not being enough.

"Don't say you're sorry, damn it." Heero let out harshly. But before Hilde could reply, he stalked out of the house and slammed the door behind him.

Hilde merely stared after him. Unable to move, to cry out to him, to bring him back.

Unable to believe.

End – Chapter Ten

Author's Notes: All I can say is this: It takes more than just that to take two completely different, yet both personally insecure people with disturbing pasts together. Don't kill me off just yet! Wait for the next chapter—explanations ensue. Thanks to you guys for patiently waiting for this, and for my editors for checking this chapter out, and for being as reliable as ever. Comments are more than welcome (translated: I beg you, comment!).


	14. Part 11: -Och, let me guess-- a woman.-

In the Arms of Destruction, Part 11 – Turning Tables Desperate for changing Starving for truth I'm closer to where I started I'm chasing after you. 

- Hanging By a Moment, by Lifehouse

~~~

            The kid definitely had a problem.

            Sigfreud sighed as he looked at the stormy-eyed man who worked on a hopeless gadget with expert hands, sitting at his table in studious silence as he continued to revive dead machines for them. Odin. The lad whom he had first met almost a week ago, appearing at their doorstep dead in the middle of the bloody night, looking for an insignificant beret. 

            "Here, this is done," Odin announced briskly, setting down Tina's short-circuited cell phone and activating it once more. Damn good, Sig amended as he stared, half-stupefied, at the reworked object. Good as new! His friend was gonna scream a happy racket when she got there. Sig then watched as Odin took another object, this time a battered remote controller, from the assorted pile of devices. That was the seventh in a queue of thirteen.

            Without another word, Odin began working, and Sig shook his head. No, he relented—Odin having a problem? That was a doggone understatement.

            _Och, you ken how they are,_ Sig acquiesced. When Odin appeared yesterday afternoon, he had been more than surprised. The man's terse explanation was that he simply needed to be elsewhere at the moment. It was quite a scene, where the other guys he lived with felt worried about the brooding, hesitant lad who had just stepped into the house. But Sig understood Odin's kind. He knew what living like a soldier meant. And spittin' mules, he didn't need affirmation—he knew a soldier when he saw one. After all, being an arms smuggler in the war didn't teach him nothing. Luckily, the lad spotted a mismatched piece of machinery that he had volunteered to repair without pay. And Sig, noting how detached the kid was, immediately gathered all the things that needed repairing, _anything_, just to help Odin get his mind off whatever the source of his bitterness was.

            Sig rolled his eyes. Pretty soon, the rest of the gang noticed, and all their 'irrepairables' were sent to him. Great balls of spit, the youngun could do anything. Even their TV set, which took costly monthly trips to the store technicians each month, was repaired fully. And the socked-up computer that made Sig turn indefinitely against the concept of storing information in machines was set up to make him change his mind. Heck, he wouldn't be surprised if the kid knew how to cook.

            But there was something different about Odin. Something startling in his eyes. Sig was familiar with his type, the wandering ones, like highlanders on foot. The kid had seen things that were beyond unimaginable, events that were more than even a man like Sig could bear. That much, he knew, from the feverish determination Odin used to block his emotions. The kid wasn't doing better, he was merely running away.

            What the heck happened, anyway?

            "Here laddie, want some?" Sig pushed a mug of beer in his direction.

            Odin paused from his work, giving passing glances at the mug and the early morning sunlight that came from the windows. Sig shrugged and took the beer back, but Odin took hold of it quickly and lifted it—too quickly for Sig to retaliate. He could only snort as the kid glanced at the drink and raised a brow. 

            " 'Ey, don't give me that, kiddie. Great balls of fire, I'm not a damn alcoholic. Tina and the others already give me enough of those sermons." Sig raised a hand, "Well, _och_, so maybe I _am_ alcoholic, in some healthy way. I help me self to a daily dose of beer every morning. But just enough to go 'round me blood. It's good for the body, you know, beer. You ripen to an old age wi'it. 'Sides, I wouldn't be able to raise my kid if I was like that, ye know!"

            Odin smirked, then took a large gulp from the mug. After downing the beverage, he glanced back at Sig. Indifferent eyes. Damn that pain, Odin was unable to face, much less understand what he felt. "This is good. Thank you."

            Sig grinned cheekily, "You won't have more?"

            Odin shook his head, a thoughtful expression on his face. A small smile made its way to his lips, one that surprised Sig himself. "Someone I know wouldn't approve."

            Sig shook his mug and rolled his eyes. "_Och_, let me guess, a woman."

            Odin froze at that. But he covered his movements by reaching out for the object he was working on. He sighed, eyes darkening slightly. "Yes. She talks like you, too."

            "Really?" 

            "Yes. Shouts out the word '_Auch_' and other German words whenever she gets the chance." There was a wry, affectionate quality to Odin's voice. Okay, so he really had it hard for the girl.

            "I'm a Scot. Aye, you can never hide where you really came from. It comes out eventually from yer lips." Sig took another swig and stared as Odin's eyes narrowed, seemingly because of a distant recollection.

            "Care to share?"

            Odin's disturbed blue eyes snapped back to him. "About what?"

            "'Bout why yer stuck here in bloody misery while it's very obvious you'd very much prefer to be with her now." Sig lowered his drink. "Believe me, it's much better to be in the company of someone who cares rather than having wires and bolts as yer 'companions'."

            Odin glared at him. "You don't know anything."

            Sig shrugged, "I never do, but I can always tell. Care to try me?"

            Odin stared at him, and Sig watched him as he speculated on his integrity. He still couldn't get over the disturbing depth in the man's eyes. Finally, after a few seconds, Odin simply looked away and let out, "She doesn't care."

            "She does. About you, I mean."

            Odin gave him a quick look, and Sig noticed how his eyes were uncharacteristically wide. Silence reigned for a few moments. "How do you know about that?"

            Sig snorted, "Like I said, laddie, I never do, but I can always tell. 'Sides, if she didn't care, ye wouldn't be here right now and still returning to her every evening. You don't seem like the type of person who sticks around where he's not needed. And ye wouldn't be coming around at the unholy hour of two-thirty am to get that red beret for someone who doesn't matter. You wouldn't do something that stupid for someone who didn't care."

            "Stupid." Odin's eyes narrowed at the word.

            Sig immediately raised his palms, "Hey, I'm not implying anything. But Odin, seeing how things look now, the lass has to be incredibly daft if she doesn't try enough to get what she wanted."

            Odin didn't reply and merely gazed off in the distance. Suddenly, he conceded and turned to Sig. "Stupid? She doesn't even _care_." He spoke as if he was swearing. "Of all people, why _her_—" As if realizing the start of another tirade, he released a deep breath and opened his fist.

            Sig started to rise, "Hey, I already told ye, kid—"

            "She made me believe."

            Sig froze at Odin's words, could only stare as the man lowered his face to gaze at his hands. "But, she, she herself, didn't believe." 

            And suddenly, Sig understood the look on Odin's eyes.

~~~

+++

            She wanted to scream.

            But Hilde Schbeiker bit her lip as Number 1 circled her. She kept her gaze on what was once the barrack's grey walls. Her eyes narrowed in feeble observance as she noticed the greenish colour that was slowly dominating the structure. Moss. It took moisture for moss to live, and the walls were rarely wet—

            _Blood, dummkopf, blood keeps the damn wall moist._

            She resisted the urge to close her eyes to that thought. No vulnerability. Show the least of weaknesses, especially when the First was around. He was terribly thorough, taking so much time with her, Hilde thought as he turned to her once more and gave her a chilling stare. Why couldn't the man just proceed with the next soldier? She wanted this done and over with. Hilde noticed her clenched fists, now terribly pale.

            His breath hissed at her ear. "Frightened, aren't we?"

            "_Verdammter Mist_!" she hissed. 

            "What was that, 26?" Impossibly perfect ice blue eyes slit to claim her vision as his hand grabbed her chin to face him.

            "Nothing, _Fuhrer_," she choked out. Don't touch me. She tilted her head, allowing her bangs to barrier her eyes. You don't own me. You can't break me. I hate you. Set me free. I am not your fool. 

            Suddenly, he held her chin in a tighter grip, causing her to wince. He dragged her face nearer to his shockingly beautiful one. _The devil deceives_. Hilde knew that if he tried, he could shatter her jaw without an effort, but she kept her breath and gave him a blank look. 

            And as suddenly as he roughly pulled her nearer to him, his hand turned gentle, moving to a slow caress on her cheek. "What was that, child?"

            The bloodstained blue beret she held in her hand fell.

            A threat.

            Hilde didn't speak, but her eyes narrowed in complaisance. Finally, she whispered, "It was a request, _Fuhrer_."

            His hand faltered in his sudden disgusting exploration of her hair. "A request?"

            She gave him a steely look, "_Ja, Fuhrer_. For you to take your hand off me."

            His eyes widened.

            And suddenly, there was bursting pain on her cheek, and Hilde only realized what happened when her vision cleared and she found herself sprawled on he floor. She touched her hand to her lip, blood.

_Blood_.  –Keeps the moss alive. 

Keeps me here, keeps me weak. Her eyes widened.

She swallowed hard. _Beschädigt. _

.

            "Is that what you wanted, Heidi?" His voice snarled. "Come now, tell me, _Liebe_. As always, you have forced me to hurt you. Is that what you want?" The other 'students' backed off as he grabbed the lapels of her fatigue, towering over her. _Mein Gott_, Hilde absently thought in a moment of hesitant prayer, she was going to die.

            He took her chin in one hand and squeezed, hard. "You are nothing, _Liebe_. Nothing. Nothing but an unwanted bastard, nothing but _her_ spawn. And I can kill you, I can destroy you. You are not even _worthy_ of my hands."

            Hilde tried to stop the pained tears that were clouding her vision. This was what her life was. This was how she was truly meant to suffer.

            For all of her life?

            Nothing. Not worth it.

            "Now, tell me child, what do you want?"

            She could have screamed. Could have told him about how tired she was. Could have told him what she really wanted. Could have revealed what she felt and demanded her freedom. 

            And Hilde smiled. Through blind vision, she turned to him and surrendered, with trembling lips to keep her words coherent. "You, _Fuhrer_. Your kindness, nothing else."

            He smiled that pleased, mocking grin of his. "Good girl." He wiped the blood from her lips and stood up, moving to the next person. Nova. The blonde turned to Hilde and hissed a triumphant expletive. Suffer, she seemed to curse her.

            And Hilde's eyes remained blank, her lips in a lifeless smile. 

  
+++

            What he was saying was impossible. It was an insult.

            Hilde stumbled away from him, forgetting the desire to revel in the excruciating pain that claimed her shoulder. Damn it, she wanted to hurt herself for not being enough. "You want me to leave this place, Instructor?" She yelled at the person who had been almost a father to her. Even him, she could no longer allow to get nearer.

            But the First, he would never touch her again. She would rather die than allow him to do to her what he had done to the other girl. Never.

            Instructor took a step closer to her, his green eyes narrowed in concentration. His face was pale as he slowly spoke. "_Schatz_, where's the knife?" 

            "Damn the knife, Instructor!" She tore out, and then she noticed how his face had contorted into an angry expression. Hilde followed his line of vision and realized that he was looking at her shirt, now stained with a sickening wet red. She cursed.

            Suddenly, the knife was gone from her grasp. Her face flared when she saw the item thrown away from the room by the Instructor. "Hilde, _Bitte_, stop this—"

            "What did you do that for!" She yelled at him, tears now falling from her eyes. "That was my only escape. And don't tell me I should leave this place. What do you want to do? Save me?" A tortured moan escaped her lips. "I can no longer be saved. I am not _worth_ saving. I am nothing—don't you see?"

            She wanted to die, damn it. And he wasn't going to stop her. And she didn't need to see his eyes, now filled with burning pain. As if he understood, as if he didn't want her gone. As if she was actually worth something. As if there was hope.

            There was a suspicious glossiness in his eyes. "You are so much more than that, _Schatz_. Why can't you see that?"

            She didn't want to see that spark. He couldn't be crying for her. She didn't want to be fooled into believing once more. 

            And if it was, in the smallest way, real, she didn't want to destroy it.

            So when he took a step nearer to Hilde, she screamed. Lifted bloody hands to ward him off. "I can't—I won't make it, Instructor, please don't make me hope"

            But he didn't listen, merely grabbed her hands despite the blood, and held it nearer to him. Hilde, suddenly too tired of struggling, now watched in numb observation as her blood caught in his platinum locks. Before she knew it, she was already held in his embrace. 

            "I don't need to make you hope. _Schatz_, we both need to make you _believe._"

+++

            Hilde caught her breath.

            "What?"

            Duo shook his head at her, as if knowing all along that she was hedging. He pulled her nearer, despite the fact that he was also very wet. "I said, Babe, if there's anything I need to know, you can tell me."

            Suddenly, the magic of the rain that had sent both of them laughing as they chased each other in the park was gone. Even the tree that now sheltered them lost its protection, and Hilde suddenly felt cold. Her best friend's chin touched her head, and the normal euphoria of delighted thoughts about the man she hated to love was replaced by fear.

            _Should I tell him?_

            Hilde slowly pulled away and looked at him in the eye. And he gave all of himself, his violet orbs revealing his concern, his sudden willingness to help her, to understand. And she almost felt lost. Filled. The moment of contact left her so defenceless that it was only when their lips were inches part when she was reminded of reality.

            "Duo?" she asked hesitantly.

            And suddenly, he, too, was alert. A faint blush covered his cheeks. He moved away from her, placing a hand behind his head in that charming manner of his. "Er, sorry."

            Best Friends.

            "You jerk," she muttered without heat, smiling at him as she looked away.

            "So, Babe, tell me."

            She froze at those words. Then remembered the look in his eyes. Could she tell him all that she had been through? Could he bear knowing her past, and how hard it was to get her here? Could Duo accept, much less, understand all that she was? 

            Hilde released her breath. She could not afford that risk. It was hard enough for her to fully accept who she was, what more for him? She didn't want him to hate her, to look at her with the same disgust she had been faced with before, to be vastly disappointed in who she was. Hilde didn't want to experience that same feeling of degradation, of the refusal of acceptance. She didn't want him to see her as a fool.

            She could not afford that. 

            And with that, she moved away from Duo, who had his eyes closed in anticipation. The action jolted him, "Hey—"

            "I can't Duo, I'm sorry." Now was her only escape. Hilde stood up and ran back to the rain, not looking back.

+++

~~~

            Hilde looked up from the fireplace as Heero entered the living room. The book she had long forgotten due to a memory-filled sleep now fell from her fingers. It was eleven-thirty in the evening already, and she had spent the entire evening—no, the entire day, waiting for him to return.

            Heero saw her, acknowledging her presence as she lifted sleepy lids to face his eyes with hers. There were no words from his lips, no expression in his eyes, and no warmth in him, even as he silently nodded to affirm her thoughts about him being home. He turned to walk back towards the foyer.

            "Wait."

            Her voice. Almost a plea.

            He turned his face to look at her, but didn't move from his position. There was a frustrated look in her eyes as she silently begged him to stay. He didn't move.

            Hilde sighed, lifting the volume in her hands, allowing her fingers to dance over the edges of the paper as she quoted softly. "Things do not change. People do."

            Heero didn't answer. Merely turned his eyes to focus more on her, moving nearer from the doorway to comprehend her words. Finally, a shake of the head, "What?"

            She looked away. "Have you changed, Heero? From who you were then, as a soldier?"

            A pained look filled his eyes. Connection. A sudden urge to share. He shook his head. "No."

           Her eyes were disbelieving "Yes, you have."

            He didn't want to affirm her words. Deep within him, he was still unsure if he wanted to believe. Maybe he just wanted to hurt her. Maybe it was the truth. "I have, but it takes too long. I haven't changed much… It's too difficult."

            She stared into the fire. "You have, Heero, and you're very lucky."

            "You say so." His voice was mocking.

            Hilde looked at him. Her eyes pleaded with him. To understand. "I…" She released a deep breath. "People might say I have changed. I am—so different from who I used to be. So different that it seems frightening. Too good to be true. But Heero, sometimes I wonder… and maybe even realize, that despite my being so changed from who I was then, that maybe deep down, I haven't changed at all."

            The cold look on Heero's face slowly disintegrated as his confusion mounted.

            Hilde shook her head. "And I am so scared that, deep within, I've been pretending all along. That I am still that same girl who didn't believe in life, who thought that death was the only solution to her problems. That same desperate, bitter, and frightened person who stepped off the port in L2 so many years ago. The one who believed she was nothing, and trusted nobody to care."

            She held his gaze. "I knew I was trying to fool myself then, Heero. Into believing that I could live on my own, that others could care, that I was fine. And maybe, things did turn out well enough, but still, I had never been able face my problems then. I had left them all behind, unresolved.

            "You have changed Heero. You have changed your whole self, even in the smallest degree. Unlike me, who had changed, yes, but never changed what needed to be changed the most." Her eyes glistened. "Because here, within me," she touched her chest, "I still am nothing. Not worth anything. Only good for my skills, for being a puppet. And I still cannot believe. It _is_ too hard." Hilde shook her head. "Please understand."

            It was the only explanation she could offer him for her behaviour. For the argument they had two days ago.

            Even before she had the chance to face him again, his hand had reached out to grip her wrist. Suddenly, Heero was before her. "I don't believe."

            Hilde faltered. "I—"

            "Because if you are damned nothing, then why do you make me feel this way?"

            And when her eyes met his, she realized that his face was hovering over hers. Saw how his eyes shone with a mixture of anger and passion. Felt that his lips were merely a whisper away from her.

            "Heero, I…" She wanted to turn her eyes away from his.

            "What?" He hissed out in a pained whisper.

            Her lips almost touched his.

            "Please…"

            He groaned.

            She tore her face from his at the awakening sound. "Stop."

            Her voice froze him. 

            Slowly, he let go of her wrist. Hilde could only take deep breaths as Heero then  stood up and stepped away from her. She tried to tell him—how she felt. But goodness, the way he made her feel, how he could very easily make her lose control…

            And fall all over again.

            It hurt too much.

            But her thoughts were cut off once more as Heero stepped through the doorway. Hilde paled when she realized that she had accomplished nothing with her revelation. She had merely complicated things more between them.

            "Tell me, Hilde," Heero began, "how can you speak about acceptance when you cannot even accept yourself?" His voice was hard. "And how can you believe in others things, _yare_, even love, when you cannot trust yourself to do so? When you don't even believe in yourself?"

            Hilde didn't know how to answer.

            Heero turned to glare at her. "You have changed, Hilde Schbeiker. You just don't trust yourself enough to believe it."

            And with that, he left her, his silhouette disappearing in the darkened hallway.

~~~

            "You have beau—be—ahh…, you have handsome eyes. Doncha ken that?"

            Sig watched as his little Reese framed her 'Fwend' Odin's face with her chubby hands, expecting a reply to her whispered proclamation. He could only watch as a small, rare grin lifted on Odin's lips while he shrugged. "Maybe. You have pretty eyes."

            _Och_, the boy really did have a soft spot for his daughter, and the thought caused Sig to smirk. Odin had rarely talked today, only seriously stepping away from his work whenever Reese came to share one of her greatest extra special stories with him. Most of them were vastly altered hand-me-down tales from Tina anyway, aside from the occasional observations—one of which was being given now.

            "Daddy says so." Reese confided, cupping her hands around her mouth to that effect. Odin's smile grew with affection. Reese really did have that strange effect on him. Sig wondered if every small girl did. Odin then nodded and turned to mouth back, "That's right. They look like…"

            "Chocolate?" Sig's angel asked eagerly, nodding vigorously, causing her hair to bob up and down with her.

            "Like… chocolate-chip cookies." Odin acquiesced. There was a stroke of delight that almost covered the sudden darkness in his eyes as Reese squealed happily. "Yummy!"

            Almost.

            Sig sighed at that. _Maybe his lady liked making them for him._ Who knows? And when in the world had he started making baseless assumptions? Rolling his eyes, he simply shook his head and returned to inspecting Odin's work. "You won't be eating any cookies 'afore dinner, Sweetpea. You have yer meal at the table, come and eat it."

            Reese pouted as she crossed her arms, losing her secure hold on Odin's lap. "Weese wants coo-kie!"

            "Hunny, Daddy says ye can have yer cookie later, after dinner. If ye can't do that, yer cookies will go bye bye." Sig sighed as Reese closed her eyes indignantly. He really was spoiling her too much. And the other occupants of the house didn't help either. He turned his eyes to Odin in one last desperate attempt. "Right, Odin?"

            Odin simply nodded. Reese, seeing that it would please Mistew Odin if she ate soon, kissed his cheek, jumped off his lap and dashed towards the dining room. 

            "Huh," Sig muttered, caught between being impressed and insulted.

            "Beautiful kid," Odin passed to him before settling back down on the couch.

            "I know." Sig answered proudly.

            Odin smirked. "That's English."

            "What's wrong with that?" Sig asked defensively, if not a bit amusedly. He could only snort as Odin shook his head wryly and turned away, keeping his gaze on the window once more. Sig knew that it would only be moments before the lad fell into one of his reflective moods once more. "Hey kid."

            Odin's eyes returned to him. Still the dark look in them. "What?"

            "How's things going? What happened to ye last night?"

His eyes narrowed. "Nothing." 

"Ah, so it's gone worse." Sig guessed, affirming his suspicions all along. After all, Odin only repaired some twenty-three stuff this day, other objects coming from their similarly less than rich neighbours. He seemed more detached than usual, more focused on his work.

"Mind your own business, Sigfreud." Odin's eyes held true to that warning.

Sig sighed. "Look, I think I might have an idea about what yer going through right now."

            There couldn't be more emphasis on Odin's word. "What?"

            He then released a deep breath and dropped the bombshell. "I saw the news today."

            A sharply drawn breath. "What did you find?"

            "I know who you are, Heero Yuy."

~~~

            "What have ye got to say?"

            No words at first. "Nothing. I don't have to explain to you."

            "You're right."

            Heero looked surprised by the answer.

            "I understand what it's like to be one of you. One of _us_. Always having to live in the shadows, always wanted. It was we who did them service during the damn war, and now that we've retired, they still cinna' let us go."

            Heero couldn't reply. Could only stare at Sig as he went on. "And I sure as heck ken that you're no killer. I wouldna' let a killer in my house. The man I saw days ago wasn't one. You're a reformed kid, Odin—Heero Yuy. Though they might be lookin' for ye, I'd understand if ye dinna' want to be found. Don't worry. I know how it feels."

            After staring incredulously at Sig for a few moments, Heero finally spoke. "What were you?" His voice was filled with hesitant but strong interest.

            "Aye, the best smuggler there ever was. High security, low profile. I served both sides once, but turned a new leaf in the end. You can get me to take ye and yer stuff _anywhere_ unnoticed. I still got me contacts in all the important ports. You?"

            Heero's eyes narrowed. "Assassin. Demolitions Expert. Undercover Agent." Finally, he let out in a low voice. "Gundam Pilot."

            "Great balls of firin' spit." Sig let out with awe.

            And it was the beginning of a lasting bond.

~~~

             The streets were dark as Heero walked his way home. Certainly not as dark as before, when he had trekked back almost at midnight. He inclined his face as another of Sig's truth came to him, regardless of time, of wherever he had come from, he would always go home to that house. To that old, weathered looking house which had provided more adequate shelter and warmth for him than any other residence he'd ever been in.

            Even though he was upset, even though as he had predicted, he was hurting inside, even though he actually craved for a person and despised her in the next second. It still was home. 

            His breath came in cloudy puffs as the night grew deeper. November winds were like this back on Earth, not on the colonies—strange how moments could conspire to make him feel even more confused. Sighing, he ran his fingers through the pointed fence that surrounded Nicky's house. He was getting nearer.

            That was when he saw the structure of their house. Heero could now only stop as he darkly gazed at it from the distance. What was she doing in there now?

            Strange, he recollected in his mind, thinking useless thoughts. But still, it could not prevent the images that passed his mind; Hilde cooking, or singing off tune, or reading in the living room. Then there was a sense of bitterness, for the images never seemed complete. He was supposed to be there with her, complaining about why she enforced the act of cooking on him, making veiled comments on her voice, and actually reading with her, having her lean her head on his shoulder as she recited the lines to him. Things were supposed to be that way, and goodness, he missed it.

            Heero cursed underneath his breath. He'd never wanted anything like those before. Couldn't even imagine himself looking for everything they had shared or appreciating affection, laughter, teasing, and intimacy. But Hilde had ruined it all for him, and now it seemed unfair, how he undeniably sought those things back. It was addictive.

            Of course, things were very different now. 

            He knew that she would probably be somewhere in the house, looking as tired and as frustrated as he had seen her the night before. Heero would see the pleading look in her eyes, the hesitancy in her face, and would hear the worry in her voice. Would observe how she would protectively wrap her arms around herself whenever they came across each other in the same room, and then damn himself for it. Would feel her pain.

            Things were so damned complicated. 

            He didn't even know what was right anymore.

            Heero noticed the darkened foyer immediately even before he reached the porch. He frowned at that, Hilde usually turned the lights on at the smallest hint of darkness. It was unusual to see the area unlit.

            Unless she had forgotten the duty, probably because she had other things to do. But she never missed even the trivial things in her work. Hilde was incredibly thorough. Heero shrugged as he dug in his coat pocket for the key, maybe she was asleep. Highly unlikely, since he had gone home earlier than usual. It was just six o'clock in the evening. Heero took the key and inserted it in the lock.

            Unless she was not inside.

            His eyes narrowed as he suddenly jolted the lock. The door opened at his frantic fingers, creaking to reveal a darkened house. Heero didn't bother to remove his coat as he stepped inside, slammed the door and turned on the lights. "Hilde."

            No response. 

            Heero clenched his fists and told himself not to rise himself into needless worry. But as he stalked upwards and found each room empty, trepidation had made its way into him, planting a cold, angry seed within. "Hilde!" Damn it, his voice trembled with fear.

            Heero turned to the living room. If she had left him, he didn't know what he would do now. He would follow her to all the ends of the world, even if it killed him. He would drag her back here if he had to. She couldn't have gone now. He might have not been treating her that well for the past few days, but that was beside the damned point. That was what she had wanted, hadn't she?

            Heero scanned the dining room. Empty still. He felt his clammy fingers and stared at them once more, now half desperate. He could not let her go, damn it all. She made him like this, made him weak against her and vulnerable without her. He—

            … _I might as well be found lying dead in a ditch elsewhere tomorrow…_

            "**_Hilde_**!"

            "_What?"_

~~~

            A Virgo and a Leo, both advancing towards her. One had a thermal sword drawn, and was menacingly fast in its approach. The latter, a slower one, had drawn out a cannon, and was aiming at her. Hilde held her breath; these were the last two from the seventy something she had to combat with since late noon. This was it.

            She activated her thermal sword and stopped the Virgo's offence with it. Parrying it off with the sword, she noted the blast that the Leo had released from some thirty degrees to her left. Thrusting the controls, she executed a cut on one of the Virgo's arms and dodged, lifting an arm to wreck the other arm. _For want of the comforts of face to face combat_… And with that, she pushed against the machine, effectively throwing it in the line of fire. Activating her twin cannons, she targeted the Leo…

            And a burst of light was seen as the Leo exploded.

            Releasing her breath, Hilde closed her eyes as the program ended. Very Satisfactory. She could do more, could reach Superior level if she tried, but for now, given her state of mind, that was enough. Lifting the simulator from her head, she opened her eyes and hopped down from the sample cockpit. 

            Hilde shook her head in an attempt to remove her hair's surely rumpled appearance. She then wiped the sweat off her brow. How long had she been down here? Hilde glanced at the mirror first—her appearance answered volumes to that. She looked tired, a signal that she had been working for more long hours. She started at one-thirty—it was now six. 

            "_Groß_." Just great; overworked again. She needed a shower. Donning the grey tank top that hanging from the chair, Hilde headed towards the exit. But her plight was stopped when she saw the fencing sword by the balance beams. Raising her brow, she walked towards it and reached for it, holding it comfortably in her palm.

            She was finally getting better at the dang thing—thanks to Heero. But her progress had stopped. She executed the same moves she had performed at the practice program earlier. Maybe she should train more. 

            After all, even if she did go up, Heero wouldn't be there. The same way he hadn't been for three days straight already. When she had awakened to his disappearance the first morning, she had worried herself sick over where he'd gone. After their argument, the man had just stormed off; and seeing him not present the next morning made her panic. Hilde gripped the sword in a sudden swirl of emotions; she had been shaky the whole day, wondering if he had finally up and left. Then there had been the doubts. Many doubts, regrets, seizing her day and night. She had been crippled; as if she had lost the one thing she solely depended on to live.

            Hilde didn't even know how to feel whenever she recalled her condition days ago. She was pathetic, mooning over everything, walking in a half-living state, moving from crying to being furious with herself, to wondering about how she could live then. She had been _that_ desperate. But it was simply what she needed then, and it was nothing but the truth. She had waited all night long for him, paying no heed to anything whatsoever, even herself, even the delay in her mission. And when she had been roused from her fitful sleep on the dining room table as Heero trudged into the living room at 1 am, time seemed to stop. Of course, he had merely glanced at her and, without a word, walked back to his room. His indifference was frightening. It now meant something to her—it clearly gave a picture of the extreme anger he kept within. Showing them to her was not worth it. 

            She remembered standing there in the dining room, wide-eyed, staring at the place he had vacated, hearing the disturbing slam of his bedroom door. Broken.

            Hilde dropped the sword and sighed. After that, reason thankfully returned to her. She knew she had to do something; to at least know something helpful in order to feel a semblance of control. All day, she thought and rethought about what had happened, feeling miserable, frustrated, and still frighteningly hopeful at the same time. 

            She had done what was right, hadn't she? She had done what was best by ending things between her and Heero.

            And yet why did she feel as if she had just ruined everything?

            Hilde placed a hand to her temple. Heero should know that she did the right thing, but she had seen her mistake. Hearing Heero say how disappointed he was because it turned out that she lacked faith in him, no, herself as well—that had been the striking blow. And realizing that she did have a weakness, knowing that such a weakness prevented anything in her life from being genuinely true, or achievable, was hard to accept.

            She had never truly valued herself. And to think that she had spoken to Heero about learning to accept himself. It seemed ironic, how her own weakness negated all that she had ever valued, all that she had tried to share. Hilde had her values and knew how important they were—she wouldn't be proclaiming them to Heero if she didn't. She had learned that much, and her new life encouraged more emphasis on acceptance. And on some level, she did accept herself, did live out their importance. But never fully, never truly. 

            Because deep within, there was that part of her that she had tried to bury and forget. A part that she had never really settled with. A part that she had never been able to fix. And yet, she could never forget, could never deny its presence. 

            It was that part of her that had supported her through the darkest times in her life. It was the part of her that had been bitter, merciless, untrusting and hurt. It was the part that hated herself, even to the point of considering death. The one that had seen and experienced such suffering.

            The one that thoroughly believed that she, Hilde Schbeiker was truly nothing.

            And what was frightening was that still, in the deepest corners of her soul, she still somehow believed that truth. Of course, denying it had been hard, but effective. But seeing how she had reacted to her situation with Heero, hearing how he saw that weakness in her, was something she could never push aside. It was the truth, she had never believed in herself, kept back by the memories of her most desolate times at the Base.

            And that was why she had never achieved her dreams, and could not truly love, or be worthy of love.

            How could she love, when she couldn't even find herself worth loving, after all of these years? Loving gave her purpose, but not direction. She had could not attain that, unless she completely loved. And she couldn't do that unless she loved herself.

            And she did not know how to.

            And she did not know how to face that. How to explain to Heero. She had tried last night, but had accomplished nothing. Heero didn't even believe in her anymore. She didn't know if he should. 

            Hilde no longer knew what to do.

            She placed a hand to her temple, she wasn't even sure about what she was thinking. She could blame that on the fact that she had done so much of frustrated thinking for the past days and was tired of it. Tired of doubting what she was doing and not knowing what to do next.

            "Halt." Yes, she affirmed to herself—stop from worrying too much, keeping her life immobile. She had to move on, to try to get her act together—and from there, maybe she could finally know what to do.

            Which was why she had been training alone here in the basement. If Heero could not help her now (she knew that for a fact), she could at least start.

            Hilde started to stare off, but when her eyes fell on the towel… "Shower," she reminded herself. "And food."

            Forget Heero for the moment. Even though all she could think of was being with him. Even though _still_ all she could wonder about was how things could be if she had just let go and reached for him. Even if all she could do was worry about him, about how he was and where he was going, even though he was hurting her as well.

            Hilde frowned. Uh huh, there it was again. Melodramatic. _Urkomisch__._

            She then went up the ladder and headed back home through the kitchen door. Strange, the lights were on… she couldn't recall turning them on. Unless someone was in the house; unless Heero decided to finally come back—

            "**_Hilde!_**"

            Hilde saw Heero as she entered the kitchen, and she didn't need any words to understand that he was furious. _"What?"_

            Heero whirled around and faced her. Hilde could only strain her eyes at his image. He looked terribly upset—mad at her. But there was awe, relief, in the way his frame seemed to lose its stiffness. What the heck was going on? And why was he—

            "Hilde." He spat out. Her eyes narrowed as he tried to level himself. "Where were you?"

            Steady. Controlled. Angry.

            She shook her head at him disbelievingly. "Where have _you_ been?"

            Without waiting for a reply, she turned her back to him and prepared a glass of water. There it was, waiting—another argument. He was acting like she had done something wrong when he was the one who had made the vanishing act on her for the past three days. And he had the nerve to look at her as if she had just offended him. Being caught between being happy to see him and being upset at how things were didn't put her in a very good position. _Dis_position. And she didn't want to have to deal with any of this any longer.

            "So that's how things are now?" his voice was sardonic. Oh joy, was the burning behind her eyes actually her tears again?

            Hilde turned back to him, eyes as slicing as his was. "What do you think, Heero? Why don't you tell me?"

            He glared at her and slammed his hand on the table, "Oh, and wasn't this what you wanted?"

            So, he was playing a different game this time. Was he enjoying doing this to her? "I don't know, maybe it was what _you_ wanted."

            Hilde didn't even stick around to see his expression. She didn't know if she would be able to bear it if she had been correct. She turned to walk away from the room. But, as if he had known her intent, Heero prevented her from doing so by suddenly grabbing her arm. "Don't tell me what I want, Hilde."

            "And what do you want me to tell you, huh?" Hilde threw at him as she faced him. "That I've been miserable, acting like a stupid half-person, waiting and worrying the whole day for you? That I cried for you? That I worried myself sick and wondered a thousand times about what's going on? Fine!" Suddenly, she choked, unable to hold it in any longer. "Let go of me."

            Heero's intense silence prepared her for his dark words as he placed a hand on her cheek to face her to him. "Hearing that, you wouldn't even want to know what I've been through."

            And suddenly, the tears just fell. And all she could feel was his arms suddenly wrapping around her, him holding her closer as she fell to him, as if he, himself, felt the same way. And at that very moment, all that mattered was the feeling of touching him again, of seeing his eyes on her and experiencing his warmth once more. Hilde buried her head into his neck and tried to savour the feel of him. It felt so good to have him back, even for a short while. Finally, there was silence.

            Heero took a deep breath. "I walked into the house and saw you gone… I thought you had left." 

            It was the only way he could explain what was happening. She knew that much.

            Hilde shook her head at his shoulder. "When I woke up and found out that you weren't home, I thought that you finally left me."

            "Never." 

            She held him tighter, feeling the determination in his voice. "Me, too."

            Heero nodded. "I was at Sigfreud's."

            The guy who found her beret. "I was training."

            His hold on her promptly tensed. "What?"

            Before Hilde could answer, he had pulled away from her and was looking disbelievingly at her. "Without me."

            Hilde noticed the trend of the conversation. She began hesitantly. "You weren't there."

            His eyes narrowed at that. "So you decided to do this all yourself. You don't need me anymore."

            Hilde's stared at him, unable to believe what she was hearing. "No! Goodness, I can't believe we're having this conversation." She waved her hand downward and placed the other on her temple. "Look, Heero… how do you think do I feel? You can't stand to even stay in the same room with me these days, and I understand that—"

            "_Shimatta_, is that what you feel?" Heero flared at her, grabbing her arms once more. "You think that I… that I can't _stand_—"

            "Well you look it!" Hilde broke away from him. "And I know it's been my fault—"

            "Can't you understand that I _needed_ time?" Heero seemed more upset than ever.

            "Wasn't that what I'm giving you now? Time?" Hilde stressed. "I _know_ why you don't show up always, okay? I accept that it's my fault. That's why I decided to work on my own—" She shook her head and tried to clear her mind. "Stop."

            Heero scowled. "What?"

            Hilde sighed and placed her arms around herself in a protective act that she never knew Heero hated so much. "Stop, please. This is all too fast. I can't believe we're fighting again." She turned pleading eyes to him. "I don't want to do this anymore."

            "Do you think I want to?" Heero asked quietly as he closed his eyes to relieve his anger.

            Hilde merely looked at him. Then slowly, she looked away and whispered inaudibly, "I'm so tired…"

            Heero's eyes shot open at that. And without another word, he faced Hilde to him. Hearing her voice… "Then what do you want?"

            Hilde started at his words, spoken so firmly, but still undeniably worried. Frightened. She shook her head and grabbed both of Heero's hands, nodding at the way they tightened around hers in a semblance of despair. "I don't want to lose you, Heero."

            Heero closed his eyes once more at her words. He took a deep breath and lowered his head. In relief? In further trepidation? Hilde went on. "I want to be with you. I don't want to argue with you all the time. I don't want to see you looking, feeling this way. I want us both to be… happy. And I," she took a deep breath. "I know that there are things that are very present now. Things that, I accept, can prevent those from happening, like our situation, or other people involved, and more importantly, the problems within me that I have to deal with." Hilde shook her head, preparing her words, hoping… "But even with all these, can't we even try to—get along? Can't we try to stay friends?"

            "Friends?" Heero raised his head, the tone of his voice betraying his disbelief.

            Hilde felt a pang of pain within her. "Isn't there even the slightest chance…"

            "No." Heero removed his hands from hers and turned away from her, walking to a stop only when there was a safe distance between the two of them.

            "Why?" Hilde murmured in a soft, desperate whisper.

            And Heero heard. He always did.

            He faced her, his face solemnly set. "I can't do that, Hilde."

            Hilde shook her head, "But—I don't understand. You're not even going to try?"

            "Don't you see?" Heero went back to her, placing his hands on her shoulders once more in a gentle grip. "I can't go back to how things were before. Every time you're near, every time I'm _this_ close to you…"

            They were staring intently at each other, "What?" Hilde asked, though the way he looked at her seemed to reveal the answer already. She suddenly shivered as something familiarly strong surrounded them both once more.

            Heero's eyes had taken on an intense shade. His voice was huskier when he spoke once more. "All I can think about is…" He groaned, holding her chin to expose the side of her face to him in a final grab for control. "Damn it, this is all your fault." He whispered to her ear, and Hilde's arms wrapped around his waist in a jolted motion as he landed an urgent kiss to the side of her jaw.

            And suddenly, his lips were on hers, and they were kissing with all the passion and frantic need for each other that they had painfully held back for the past three days. Hands entwined in a motion that locked them to each other, both unwilling to let go. Hilde ran her hands through his hair, over his face, willing to familiarize herself with the wonderful feel of him once more, secretly delighting as he whispered her name over and over again and clutched at her locks. Words were lost once more as their lips joined once more. Reunited. And it felt so right… so true…

            And Heero felt the sudden cool droplets on his skin. He lifted his lids to the sight of Hilde's tear-filled eyes. "Hilde…"

            She placed a shaky hand to his face. "Goodness, I missed you so much…"

            Heero held her to him and closed his eyes, acknowledging that he felt so similarly. "Don't tell me you don't feel this too."

            He felt it as she shook her head against his neck. "That's the hardest thing, Heero." She choked. 

            Heero allowed her to look up to him. At the sign of her tears, he held his fingers to her cheek. "Hilde, _Koishi_, please don't…"

            Hilde lowered her head and held a palm over his hands. "I'm so, so sorry, Heero…"

            "For what?" He went on. "Why can't things just go on this way? Why do we have to go on suffering?"

            "You know we can't Heero." Hilde shook her head. "You know."

            Heero looked away. Hilde went on. "And it's so hard, because I can't…"

            "Can't what?" Heero turned back to her. "Tell me."

            She lifted her eyes to him. "I can't even let you go." She looked up and released a sharp breath. "I told myself to forget… but can I even become more selfish? No matter what I try to do, I still want to keep you with me. And it ends up hurting us both even more." She shook her head at him. "Look at me, look at what I've done! Why can't I just stop falling? I've caused enough damage—"

            "Why can't you see yourself the way I do?" Heero interrupted her, eyes narrowing angrily. For her. "It's not you, Hilde. It's us. What happened, happened because we both wanted it to. You can't hide that truth by putting the blame on yourself. See things my way, Hilde."

            "I—I don't know." Hilde slowly pulled away from him. She placed a hand to her forehead and gave him a pained look. "It's too hard. I still can't."

            Heero's eyes narrowed as he let go of her. "So you wouldn't even try. You're going to give up on us just like that."

            He knew she realized that he was turning her words back on her when her eyes widened at his voice.

            And Hilde didn't say a word. Heero understood. "I see."

            How were things going to work between them if they would both always be this way? Heero didn't know. He didn't even know if he wanted to try.

            "I can't try to be your friend once more, Hilde." Heero stated in simple words. "If I can't be more than that to you, if that's what you want, then we'll both leave it at that."

            Hilde's voice was very uncertain, "At what?"

            Heero shook his head, still holding her gaze steadily. "I don't know. I really do not know."

~~~

_            I can never lie to him._

            Even if Hilde did, she knew things would never work out that way. She had messed up once more but it was the better of two evils. She might have known her problems, but not the way to solve them yet. And she might had wanted to be with Heero, but she still knew, with great truth, that she couldn't bear going on that way when it wasn't right.

            And of course, with the tendency that seemed solely hers these days, she had ruined everything once more. She might have done what she _thought_ was right, what she could only do, but that didn't stop the pain.

            Hilde glanced at the dark sky, scorning the sight of the stars. "Was this supposed to be easy?" She asked out. Why did she have to suffer this way? God help her, she needed an answer _right now_.

            Hilde sighed and drew her jacket nearer, cursing the cold. Late November. Of course, in all her carelessness, she had merely grabbed her jacket and stormed off from their house when Heero left her to go back to his room. Feeling tears well up in her eyes, she used the back of her hand to wipe her sleeve in a childish motion that she couldn't prevent. 

            Hilde stomped her foot; too much, too fast. She just needed to get away somewhere, to free herself from the wild emotions that had been running through her the whole day. She needed to stop thinking, to clear her mind. To escape. And that was what she was going to do. Forget everything. She looked up and saw the park in the distance. The perfect place. 

            She dig her hands in her pockets to warm them. So cold… just like how she was feeling—her thoughts were cut off as she felt a piece of paper in her pocket.

            That was strange, Hilde frowned. She never left any precious bills in her pockets. Having been forced to live once as pickpocket when she first left OZ with nothing to sustain her, and even before that, she knew how to give importance to money. Had she been _that_ careless as to leave bills anywhere? Heck, her sadness were _that_ strong?

            Frowning, Hilde lifted the money out for inspection and moved to a streetlight  as she entered the park to see its value more clearly. Squinting, she realized that it wasn't money. It was a folded piece of paper.

            _A folded piece of paper…_

            Suddenly, her heart started pounding madly in her chest at a similar memory. Taking a deep breath, she refused to panic and slowly unfolded the paper. And in scrawling but irregular black ink,

_Yu cant run anymore. Ive got yu._

            Hilde couldn't breathe.

            And panic suddenly burst from within her. One that involved past pains, honed instincts of survival, anger and loss. Despair. One that shook her, erasing all sense. She stuffed the paper back in her jacket pocket and looked around frantically. They actually _found_ her here? She bit her trembling lips. Not again. Not here. 

            Hilde glanced back at her pocket, realizing with rising dread that she had always left the house with her jacket, and had never seen the piece before. That meant that they had been close enough to slip it there…

            To touch her…

            To even enter the house.

            "_Bitte_, not now." She prayed.

            And without another word, Hilde ran.

            Blindly searching, unaware of her unstable footsteps as she tried to make her way back home. Anywhere, as long as she was safe. She had to hide once more, and this wasn't the right place. They had found her and she could end up cornered…

            "I'd rather die," Hilde swore to herself as she rounded a corner. The coldness seeped to her bare legs now, but a stronger coldness rose from within her. Fear.

            "Hilde!" A cry tore out from her left.

            Hilde stopped. "Nicky?" she asked out uncertainly.

            "Please—" the child's voice was cut off. There were sounds of struggle, of metal sliding against metal. Her hair raised at the sound, and she bit her lip. They couldn't have taken the boy because of her…

            Hilde stalked towards the alley where the sounds were coming from. "He's only a child, damn you. Let him go!"

            _A trap._ Hilde clenched her fists. Why the hell would they try to involve a child in this mess? Her anger now grew with each second. She knew she would have to walk in. "Come out!"

            And they did, six of them, all men, if she was to look at their sizes. They were all dressed in black, and were adequately masked. The last chap held Nicky in his hands. The child looked so frightened, with his eyes wide in shock. His fingers were trembling, and there were marks of tears on his cheeks. Hilde saw, despite the darkness. Her laughing, arrogant, cheerful little friend, now reduced to an intimidated, scared child.

            Broken. Tortured. _They had no right, turning him into what I was then. They had no right trying to do to him what they did to me!_

            "Let him go." Hilde bit out.

            "Come to us first, darlin'." Someone answered. The others snickered. Hilde glared at them. Unarmed. So they thought they could bully a little girl like her with their heavy fists? Highly unlikely. One of them had to have a gun somewhere. Hilde zeroed on the man who held Nicky. Yes, him. He was the one who had a liability. He couldn't fight well while holding the frightened boy. He could use a gun to defend himself. Or to use it against Nicky.

            Even before she moved, one of them already lunged for her. Hilde knew her fists would be aching soon so she stepped back and used her other foot to meet the man squarely in the jaw. It was only a few seconds before the other four followed him.

~~~

            He watched her.

            It was such a nice thing, seeing her defend herself like that. Vastly entertaining.

            He watched from the corner as Hilde Schbeiker used her right hand to block a hit given by one man to her. He watched as she sensed movement behind her back and without a thought moved her elbow behind her to land with perfect accuracy on the vicinity of another man's eye. He smiled. She was, as expected, very good.

            Hilde swept down and did a roundhouse kick, sweeping down on the man to make him fall. A hit to the head, and he went down. She raised her other leg to slam into the first man's neck, causing him to fall unconscious.

            Someone grabbed her hair and yanked her behind. A pity that such pretty locks would be put in the hands of one grubby street rat. He watched as the tall thug grabbed her hand at the same time. Hilde merely twisted her hand inward to free herself off the giant's grasp, then used her elbow to push him to her side. Just as quickly, she yelled as she used her hand to chop an incline into his neck that caused him to fall unconscious. The expression on her face was very upset, but just the same, strong. She launched herself against a wall to swing a kick to the gut of the man who held her hair. He grinned as she touched her scalp and muttered an expletive. "Hurts."

            Fairness lost its meaning as she kicked a vulnerable spot on the same man who pulled at her hair. He understood why, and the thought made him want to laugh. An angry woman fighting back was always a beautiful sight. Five down in five minutes. Not bad for an unarmed petite.

            And Hilde started walking towards the last man, the one who held the boy. What a pathetic fool, he thought, as the smidgeon started walking away from her. She had discarded her torn jacket, revealing her impressive figure. He smirked. That would make things easier. He lifted his pistol.

            "Let him go, _mon_, now."

            German indeed. He had his target. His eyes narrowed at the alluring fairy merely seconds away from his fingers. It would only take two bullets.

            And that, by far, would be the end of his mission.

~~~

            Hilde sighed, not in the mood to be patient. She was tired. Frightened and frustrated because of the note. Shaky because of its possible involvement in this event. Very furious because Nicky, who had nothing to do with any of this, was involved. Upset because her emotional condition had limited her fighting skills and made her feel unstable. And very, very pissed off because the man wasn't cooperating.

           "Don't go no coming near me, Missy, or I'll place a bullet right through the youngun's head." The man warned. Nicky whimpered a soft plea to her. "Hilde…" He pointed a gun towards her. "Better yet, you can go now—"

            It was merely a matter of grabbing the pistol quickly and Hilde had dumbfounded the man into silence. Hilde whirled the gun around her index as she sighed. "Are ye even an expert kidnappa', mon? You should know never to take the gun avay from yer ward. It makes it easier to grab."

            The man paled and slowly stepped back. "Stay back, I'll strangle him to death if you do!"

            Hilde went on with her pace. "Tell me. Who hired you?"

            The masked man kept walking backwards. "I don't know no nothing about stars, Missy, if that's what you're wantin'."

            Hilde breath caught in her throat at the word. _Stars_. "Let him go, Sir. I won't do anything."

            "I don't trust you." The man snarled out.

            Hilde glared. "I don't trust you either, but that's beside the point. Let him go, or I _will_ shoot, now!"

            A shot was suddenly heard from elsewhere, and before Hilde could react, the man had hurried elsewhere, leaving Nicky behind. Hilde could only stare in awe as the gun she had been holding in her fingers skidded to a halt about twenty yards away.

            Someone had shot her gun. That was it. Hilde's eyes widened. That meant that there was someone else out there, someone good with his own gun. She immediately sped towards Nicky. "Go now, Nicky, _run_! Get some help!" 

            The boy, who had only just stood up, turned to her with terrified eyes. "Hilde? Is it all okay now?"

            "_No_, Nicky!" Hilde yelled out as she grabbed his hand. "_Go_!"

            And that was the last word she recalled before another shot ran out and she felt a burning sensation at her side. Hilde could only think to smile gently at Nicky, nodding at him to go on, before she fell down roughly to the sidewalk. And even the way her skin scraped at all places was lost to her due to the excruciating sensation…

            Hilde couldn't find the strength to move anymore, could only smile to herself as she heard Nicky's frantic footsteps receding in the distance. He was safe…

            And there was this unbearable pain by her waist…

            _Can't think…_ _Don't want to feel…_

            Someone walked towards her, and Hilde made out a pair of boots before her. She only heard a triumphant, mocking voice say to her, "_I_ hired them, _Liebe_," before her vision was claimed by darkness.

            _You can't run anymore…_

~~~

            "Nicky, what is it?" Heero asked with the greatest amount of gentleness he could muster as the child tried to stop crying. Hilde should be the one doing this; she always had a soft spot for the boy. Heero then looked around, unsure whether he wanted her here or not. He wasn't ready to face her yet. But she hadn't opened the door when Nicky banged on it violently; she usually did that. Heero frowned to himself. She must have gone back down to the basement… or out to walk…

            "Mister Heero!" Nicky tugged on his sleeves. "I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go!" he wailed.

            "What _is_ the problem, Nicky?" Heero asked firmly as he held the child's shoulders. He had to handle this by himself. "You can tell me."

            Nicky hiccupped, then nodded. "I'm scared, Heero. Even Momma's not home yet."

            Heero took the information patiently. "Why, Nicky?"

            Nicky's eyes widened with an indescribable accent of pain that made Heero wonder about the gravity of the situation. He glanced at the child's arms—black and blue in some places… he had scraped knees, then tear-stained cheeks. Heero held his breath when Nicky finally spoke.

             "She's going to die."

~~~

            "You're not going to faint on me, _Liebe_."

            Hilde could only open her eyes faintly as blurred visions seized her. And suddenly she was aware of the extreme pain on the right side of abdomen, of the faint vision of an alley, and of the man who stood before her, trapping her between him and the wall.

            "What do you want?" She whispered, now recalling the events that lead to this. Her heart started beating violently again, alerting her of danger. _Danger_…

            The wall behind her was moist.

            _Her blood._

            "Good girl," the man winked at her, and Hilde finally recognized him. The man at the dance. She gasped, and the man chuckled at her, noticing her realization. "Finally caught up on you, hasn't it? He wanted you safe, and I wanted you weak enough not to be able to fight me. Got a good hit on your waist. Relatively harmless, since nothing entered your body, just a mighty painful wound, isn't it?"

            Hilde could only moan out as he touched a finger to her wound. She bit her lip and did not beg. Never. Goodness, she was actually standing up with him despite the unbearable sensations coming from her side. The man looked amused with her silence.

            "Very well. Now, _Hilde_, is that your name?" He looked pleased with his generalization. "You might want to ask how I accomplished such an amazing task. Of course, you can't very well speak easily right now, so I'm going to tell you." He grinned wickedly, a truly handsome smile, if it weren't for the slicing look in his eyes. Hilde could only pay attention on that as he lowered his face to whisper to her ear. "I was trained to."

            Hilde let out a sudden breath. _Trained_…

            "Yes, _Liebe_, trained. Special division, weaponry, assassination. I was made to be a point-blank assassin. It helped a lot that you removed your jacket. It really made aiming easier. But of course, I already knew enough, from placing my hand on your wonderful waist some few weeks ago. Remember the dance?" He lifted her head to face him. "That was one of the greatest acts I ever saw. You looked all so civilian back there. You'd also given me my most memorable rebuttal. Not many women resist me, see?" His whisper caressed her ear.

            "By the way, where's your guy?" He laughed into Hilde's face as her expression sobered. "Some boyfriend. I'd be here right now, fighting for you, if I were him. Of course, no one would ever know how specialized I am right now. Just like you, _Liebe_, and I'm sure you're aware of that."

            "What?" Hilde finally let out.

            The man rolled his eyes at her. "Don't give me that, girl. I saw what you did to those useless goons earlier. Actually, I just hired them to see how far you went. I heard you specialized in ground combat. Not bad, actually, not bad at all—especially when you had one on the poor man. Never knew women could be that sassy when they fight."

            Hilde shook her head in disbelief at that, and the man nodded, "No need for the humble effect, _Liebe_. You were almost perfect! Now if only you haven't gone _that_ soft… you were pathetic, girl!" He pointed at her chest, "You could have killed them then and there, could have broken their neck for having taken the child, but you didn't. You even let the captor free. That was the worst example of combat I've ever seen in my life. But not to worry for your mistake, _Liebe_, I had them taken care of."

            Her eyes widened, and the man grinned, "You want them alive? Poor you," he trailed a finger by her cheek, "So tainted by this world. What in the world happened to you?" He gripped her chin. But Hilde jerked away from him with the small strength she could muster. "Who are you?"

            His looked shocked by her words, but seemed to enjoy the revelation. "Well, what do you know? Haven't you received the most recent note we sent you?"

            Hilde bit her lip as agitation rose within her. "Then that means—"

            "It's all so perfect, isn't it?" He laughed, lifting his sleeve to reveal the tattoo on his wrist. Hilde could make out the number 29 from his black star mark. "This is who I am, 26. And here we be, two Black Star agents all together. Fancy that. He told me to go easy on you, but I couldn't wait any longer. Aren't you glad that Black Star has finally found you? Now you can finally go home."

End, Chapter Eleven.

_Urkomisch _– Damned funny.

_Koishi_ – er, forgot about this one in the earlier chapter. It's a Japanese endearment. 'Darling.'

Finally finished this. More soon guys, don't forget to comment! New email addy: abstractress@yahoo.com

Thanks to Sabacat and to Samantha Bridges!

Thank you God!


	15. Part 12, Section One: -Es tut mir leid-

In the Arms of Destruction, Part Twelve – Death

I answer the heroic question "Death, where is thy sting?" with

_"It is here in my heart and mind and memories."_

- Maya Angelou

~~~

            The wind blew past him, and the cold air blasted his senses. Darkness assailed every corner of his being, but he could no longer care.

            He felt as if he was losing himself. As if a very important, now distant part of him elsewhere was slowly dying. The fear suffocated him and sought to take control of his actions—but that no longer mattered.

            And there was no time to think, no time to strategize, to sort out reasons, and no time to blame. There shouldn't be any time for worrying either, no time at all.

            _She's going to die_.

            Heero Yuy swore.

            He was going to die.

            And so he ran.

~~~

            Hilde's eyes widened at the symbol. In a moment of repulse, she closed her eyes and turned away from it. "_Schwarz Stern_," she breathed out. _Mein Gott, nein_. Feeling her heart pound frighteningly loud in her chest, she realized how afraid she was. It surpassed any fear of battle or death that she had ever experienced before. All that she had run from, all that she had ever sought escape from was right before her eyes. And fear, just like that of a child who was so alone, rose with tremendous intensity. And she was afraid to open her eyes, not wanting to let go of the hope that this may all be just a bad dream…

            Firm fingers traced a rough, exploring pattern on her cheeks. "Come now, _Liebe_," the voice whispered. "Don't tell me you're actually scared."

            Suddenly, her shoulders were slammed against the wall behind her, and Hilde winced as the pain in her waist twisted. As she opened her eyes, 29, with his hauntingly handsome visage, sneered at her. "You're actually scared of coming back to safe, sound Auschwitz?" He tilted her chin to face him. "Why so?"

            It was a living nightmare.

            His steely lavender eyes narrowed at her, "Could it be that you're actually scared to face whatever it was that you left back there? Or maybe you're not ready to comprehend the consequences of your very, very bad behaviour? Tell me, _Liebe_, which is which?" 

            The choice of his words caused a shiver to run down her spine and, immobilized by her panicking senses, she wasn't able to reply. 29 smirked. "That's okay, 26. You must be… overwhelmed. But, let me assure you, it will all be over when we get there."

            And even through her frustration, the statement cut through her. Hilde shook her head. "You're not taking me back." She hissed in a low voice, as if swearing at him. Or maybe, assuring herself.

            Suddenly, 29 gripped her chin a motion that caused her more pain. One that impressed on her how angry the person really was. "Is that so, 26? I don't believe you're in any position to order me right now." He lowered his face to hers and snarled in a harsh voice. "When we get back there, believe me, you will face whatever it is _he_ wanted you to see that night, and he will do to you whatever he wants to. You will feel more pain than any of us have ever encountered. Yes, pain." He whispered in a fevered voice. "It's about time you suffered, 26."

            Hilde gasped at that. Taking a shaky breath, she refused to answer him, tried to look anywhere away from those piercing eyes. Tried to refuse reflecting on his words. Not _him_… Any fate was better; any punishment was more preferable than going back to him… She started shaking.

            29 grinned with pleasure. "You don't know what life has been ever since you left. The First had been so upset. You will never guess what happened. His wrath… that angry wrath, was turned on everybody."

            Hilde took a sharp breath at that. She knew what it was like whenever the First was angry; she'd witnessed it first hand. The effect was to blow up on the most viable subjects. Many times, the upper council bore the brunt of his explosive temper. And that had a chain effect that reached, unfortunately, even the cadets. In their world, the solution to anger was violence, and those who couldn't easily defend themselves were subject to most of which. Especially when the First directly turned on them in his fury. There were beatings, torture, assault, rape…and even, most disgustingly, death.

            Hilde looked away. Was this actually happening? And had her escape really—"How many died?"

            It was as if her knowledge of what happened infuriated 29 more. "Some, 26—but much more had to go through their 'ministrations'. You have no idea…how many of us… suffered on your damn behalf!"

            And the finale to his words was an angry slap to her cheek. As pain vibrated at the sides of her face, Hilde realized, with even more intensity, how mad the man really was at her. Many had to suffer for her…

            She didn't have to look up to 29 to realize how much he'd waited for this moment. What kind of revenge would he want to inflict on her? Death?

            _Death…_

            As if reading her thoughts, 29 spoke. "I wouldn't dream of killing you, 26. That would be too easy. I would rather take you back home, have you face all that you've left behind. It would be glorifying for me—for all of us who had to go through the pain—to have you back. To see you be miserable, the same way we had been. To see you face him."

            Him.

            Suffer.

            _Unverziehen_, she once heard him say… Unforgiven.

            _Death…_

            He grabbed her chin again, sought to look into her eyes, but Hilde could no longer feel, could no longer comprehend, and could no longer see. All that was in her was fear.

            Fear.

            "What is it that the First saw in you, _Liebe_?" 29 hissed the name out loud now. "Always, he sought you out. Even in your absence, people hear him swearing out your name." His fingers travelled to her chin; "It must be because you are so… elusive." He chuckled. "Flighty, fiery—explosive. A bloody good combination."

            "Bad blood." Hilde finally whispered out. That was why.

            "No, you are pain and pleasure at the same time. I see things more clearly now." His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized her, seeing the emotionally battered woman before him, with her eyes now filled with a blank glossiness that made him shiver with satisfaction. "You are frightened, aren't you?"

            Hilde no longer replied.

            "Of course you are, _Liebe_. I wonder what he will do to you once he has you back. It seems that he is above physical torture you know, he goes further, deeper, in a more painful way. Yes, you will enjoy that, won't you 26? You will see, and experience how far he could go. Whatever it was he almost did to you the night you left, he will definitely do it now, and much more. Wouldn't you like that, little rebel?"

            Hilde could no longer take any of it.

            No more.

            A wet kiss landed on her jaw.

            _Death_…

            "Stop!"

            A chuckle, "Just a taste of what the First wants, 26. You don't want more? Of course, how could you, when you would have the First to feast on you later?"

            "Please. Stop."

            "Do enlighten me, what would you do to make this all stop?"

            Stop…

            Hilde closed her eyes.

            _Death…_

            And Hilde let go.

~~~

            He enjoyed doing this to her.

            He hadn't always been such a sadist. But then it came to a point in his life when such urgings turned on and off at various instances. No one could blame him; anyone from the Base could relate. It was such a satisfying practice, doing to others what other people had once done to you—what you hadn't wanted done to you. Inflicting the cruelty others had given them the same way was a powerful release. Every single one of them sought such once in a while.

            In his case, the desire to hurt was now very prominent.

            For the woman before him had been the cause of much cruelty and pain in the Base. Granted, he knew that it had been the First, but that had been a given. They all knew how explosive and powerful the man was. Had she not left, none of the torture should have happened.

            Of course, there were other incidents all together which inflicted the same punishments. It hadn't been just _her_. The First _was_ temperamental. If seen in a larger scope, the damage 26 had done was not anything new, wasn't anything to be truly surprised about. The punishments were usual occurrences—they were normal at the Base. But what made this woman so intriguing was how only she, a single person, could incite such anger from the First. It had been decades, so they say, since that had happened. Usually, it was events, foul-ups, and delays which got his anger. Not a single person's involvement or disappearance.

            And that was the ultimate achievement—overcoming what was the impossible. Inflicting revenge on someone who had done something striking. It wasn't merely a special triumph, though. It gave him the ability to release all the pent up anger within him for all the suffering he had to go through, even before he entered the Base at twelve. He knew he would never rest unless he had released all his anger—whether it involved the suffering and death of others or not.

            Yes, sadism had its uses.

            "Do enlighten me, what would you do to make this all stop?" He taunted at her, similarly to how they had mocked him. There was no escape now. He was making his way to becoming the perfect fighter. Untouchable, unbreakable.

            He laughed delightedly at the prospect. Ultimate triumph… he would overcome the pain. He would rule over all that could hurt him. That was what mattered.

            26 didn't reply; her head remained bowed low, her form lifeless.

            His eyes widened in anger. He wanted her begging. He smirked and raised his hand for another hit. She wasn't to be hurt. Much. "Do something 26. Make it all stop." He laughed. "If you can."

            And that was when he felt a searing pain on his cheek. A harsh sound echoed in the alley, and before he knew it, he was staggering several steps backward. He covered his cheek. Bloody hell, where in the world did the wench get that much strength? She actually slapped him? His eyes narrowed. Damn it, the rebel was asking for it. 29 turned, "Why you—"

            She was gone. 

            " _Scheisse_!" He cursed. So she actually had much of something in her. More exciting. Once he found her, she was going to pay, very slowly…

            He loaded his gun.

            And his eyes trailed to the wall. Blood.

            He smirked. 

            Traces of 26's blood lead further into the alley. So she decided to move in. Well, he would follow her. She would never get them off her back. _Damn it, the little thing always finds ways to elude us._ But that didn't matter. He would not let her go.

            _Ha!_ And it didn't take much to find her. Only several steps and he already located her. There Hilde Schbeiker was, curled on the floor in pain, her back against the wall. So she couldn't make it very far, after all. The wound he gave her was effective. That reminded him of something. _Shit._ He had to get the girl treated soon, or else the injury would become fatal. But he was so mad that she dared defy him…

            "Bad, bad…" he hissed at her as he approached her. He lifted the gun and stared at its butt. It would accomplish some desired ends. "You really know how to make me _want_ to hurt you more, don't you?"

            "You're not taking me back." 

            He heard the hissed defence and faltered for a moment. The way her words sounded… slicing, as if filled with such despair that had evolved into anger. Like a command not meant to be broken. Seeking control. He smirked. So she was trying to take that method now. He glared at her figure, hunched to hide her face from him.

            "Chit all you want, it will get you nowhere—the end is here. No denial will help you escape it; you can't. It _is_ over, _Liebe_. You will now pay. You don't know how much it pleases me to tell you that." He growled at her audacity. "It's _your_ turn this time, you can no longer do anything." He spat on the ground and locked her right arm in his grip. "Stand up."

            26 didn't move. She still kept her gaze downcast, her hands firm around herself. "Stop," she whispered. "Stop."

            And he'd had enough. He yanked her arm upward. "I said, _stand up_. _Verdammt!_"

            And that was when Hilde raised her eyes to him.

            He gasped. Shock coursed through him and kept him immobile. 

            For if he had seen a darkness to her eyes earlier, that had been _nothing_ compared to what he was seeing now. More than desperation, more than fear—something of such consequence framed her. What he saw was worse than even what he noticed on 30's eyes when he was dying. It was a soulless look, of someone who had lost all hope, who'd lost sight of all meaning. No, but he had seen something like that before—she was different. More. Worse. It could be the look that his instructor told him to fear; the look that told that the person had nothing to lose, nothing else to fear. A look only to be found on someone who bordered on viewing himself as nothing, and wanting to survive just the same.

            His momentary shock gave way to Hilde as he she pulled on his hand to lift her up. Glass shattered somewhere and before he knew it, she had her left hand to him, a broken bottle to his neck. His senses returned immediately. 

            "Step back." Her voice had a steely edge to it. "Now."

            The sharp edges pressed against his skin. 29 stepped back. 

            Hilde took some unstable steps backward, and in his mind 29 cussed at his stupidity. Caught between being impressed and feeling utterly stupefied, he glanced back at her. She had harboured that much strength? With her injuries, that seemed impossible—and yet, the girl slowly gained freedom with every step. His eyes narrowed.

            "Go ahead, 26." He taunted in a bid for control. He gained satisfaction when Hilde paused from her unsteady plight. "Wherever you go, how ever you may hide, we will always follow. And I will always be there to make sure to get you back where you belong." He grinned at her and tightened his hold on his gun. Only one bullet and the infernal bottle would be gone. "You cannot run all your life. Escape won't always be an option, I warn you now."

            Hilde's eyes narrowed at that. As she should. Of course, what could she do? They will never cease searching for her. And he certainly wouldn't allow her to elude him this time.

            But, as if knowing his thoughts, Hilde stepped further away, levelling the bottle at him. "You're not taking me back."

            He tilted his head at the bottle. "What do you intend to do with that, 26? Stab me? Or probably bleed me to death? You know, using that on me would never, ever change anything."

            At that, Hilde's eyes shot back to him, and in a moment of bitter weakness, she shook her head and closed her lids. "You think this is for you?"

            29 almost dropped his gun. "What…" he whispered incredulously as a sudden realization entered his mind. Was she actually considering—_Herrje! Nein!_ It couldn't be…

            And Hilde gave a embittered laugh. With that, blind tears came, fringing her blue eyes, now tinted grey because of an unnameable emotion, with silver. "You _actually_ think that this is for _you_?"

            She gave a jerked motion backward. "Then maybe, maybe you don't have any idea what it was like, living the way I did."

            29's heart started pounding with an intensity of fear that he'd never encountered before. 26's sudden emotions—the way her pain was expressed before him, it wasn't what he'd expected. Not like this… not her, looking this way. Not with her wanting something as horrible as—"26…"

            "_Nein_, **you** stop it!" Hilde raised the bottle in movement made to defend herself, unconsciously leaving a gash on her jaw. It was as if she didn't notice—she simply pointed the bottle to herself. 

            "_Stop that, 26_!" 29 yelled out. Damn it, 29 knew what she was thinking of doing. He had been from Auschwitz—_of course_ he knew! "It's not damned funny!"

            Hilde shook her head once more, holding the weapon nearer. Her eyes narrowed in pain, still surrounded by that disturbing darkness. It was as frightening as it was pitiful. "You are so angry 29, because you had to face every single one of them, had to endure every step of their damn torture. But you will never, ever understand what I went through, growing up."

            29 paused at that, half-panicked because of the bottle, and half-shaken because of her words. What did she mean? He had gone to the _Base_ at twelve, of course he'd seen the worst. 

            Hilde negated his thoughts with a swift shake of her head. "Then tell me, tell me you understand me. Tell me you _know_ what it feels like to be born into a world that refused to accept you. To be raised simply as a pawn. Tell me you know how to live with being called another's name all the time—tell me!" She shook her head, and more tears fell. 29 stopped cold in his steps.

            "Come now, 29!" Hilde gripped the bottle tighter, choking on her words, showing a despair that unsettled even him. "Do you know what it feels like being forced to play the hellish role of someone you never even met? To be a person and not feel like one! I never knew who I really was. I grew up believing I was _nothing_. You hear that? Yes, I _am_ **nothing**!"

            29 experienced loss of control. He did not want to hear this, did not want to believe that this person had experienced worse. Did not want to understand. And feel that she did not deserve what he had in plan for her. "Stop it!"

            "So you want me to stop now?" Hilde dared him. "But you haven't heard the rest of it, 29. You tell me you've suffered, and maybe you have. But what you experience is _not_ new to me. I've suffered physically before. I had to go through their blows and face their fists, but those are _nothing_ compared to what I had to go through with him. Wounds are not permanent, but words are marks that I can never erase. I still hear him in my head at times. _Sie sind ein Narr, Heidi; Halten Sie es auf, Heidi; teuerste Heidi_… it's so damn sickening! He made me suffer. But no, it was much more than that—he damned broke me." Her hand on the bottle shook. "Do you know what it was like, living under his so-called 'benevolence' and knowing that I have to pay hell for that someday? The First didn't even need to kill me, 29. He was slowly making me die each and every day of my damn life!"

            29 couldn't fight the weakening feeling within him any longer. The way 26 spoke… it was too much. It was as if she no longer had hope, as if she truly didn't find value in herself anymore. 

            _Beshadigt_… Damned.

            Hilde went on, hiding her eyes with her bangs, "And it didn't end with that. No, the Fuhrer wouldn't be content with that." She gave a shaky breath and looked back at him, her smoky eyes reaching the core of his soul. "He never left me. Even now—" she choked. "Even now… I tried hiding it—even ignoring all that I was and all that I've ever been through. But the damage is done, and I can no longer fix it. No matter how damn hard I tried! I can't even love anyone without hurting him! _Ach du meine Güte,_ am I that cursed?" Her eyes narrowed weakly at that realization. "Not even to truly live, not even to be happy, not even to achieve my dreams. Do you realize what it's like, living, knowing you can never get a single of those?"

            It was 29 who couldn't reply this time.

            "Tell me!" Hilde pleaded. "Tell me you understand!"

            But how could he fully know suffering that was worse than his own?

            Hilde shook her head disbelievingly "And you shall not say a thing. Because you don't know what my life has been. You come here, threatening to bring it all back to me." She shook her head in renewed fury, in despair. "I will never go back to living that way. He will never touch me again, hear that?" The bottle shook in her fingers once more.

            "I won't let you." 29 whispered in a vain attempt to grab control.

            "I'd rather die," Hilde whispered brokenly to herself.

            29 raised his gun and pointed it at her. 

            Hilde didn't react. "Go ahead." She said softly.

            His eyes widened. "You really want to die."

            "Death is better than having to go back to how things were. I would die first before I face the living hell waiting for me back there!" Hilde cried at him. "I am the unforgiven, 29. I have to pay for wrongs I'm not even aware of. But I would rather die than give him the pleasure of hurting me once more. So go ahead, damn it! Or would you want me to do it, myself?"

_            Death is the only solution._

            "You'll kill yourself?" He asked incredulously, even when he knew all along…

            "Yes!" Hilde screamed at him, eyes glittering with more tears. "Do you hear that! I want to… I want to kill myself."

            She closed her eyes her eyes miserably, holding the bottle to herself. Weakly, Hilde leaned on the wall. "I want to kill myself." She repeated softly, pitifully, as if she was ashamed to have thought, let alone said those words. "I feel so worthless, so undeserving… goodness. I want to _kill_ myself…"

            Tears fell from her closed lids as she shook her head disbelievingly. "_Mein Gott,_" she began whispering. "_Es tut mir leid._"

            29 shook his head at her helplessly; _She doesn't want to die_.

            "Oh God forgive me," Hilde sobbed, pitying and damning herself at the same time. "I never changed. I'm such a coward. _Es tut mir wirklich leid._"

            The plea bound him to the spot. 29 was no longer sure, no longer so confident. No longer assured.

            And still, he also felt as if he was no longer lost. As if he actually understood.

            But he was still bound, still not free. He still couldn't let her go. She had to understand. And it was still too hard… this was more than he'd ever experienced before. He never imagined 26 to be like this, to be as hardened as he was, to be as hurt. And still, he had no freedom to do anything about it. He understood, but he could no longer do anything about it.

            Hilde still had the bottle before her; she was lying at her side on the wall. He could still hit the bottle. Granted, its pieces could wound her, but it was better than having her use the bottle to kill herself. He lifted his gun once more.

            And he knew that he was going to regret this for the rest of his life.

            Suddenly a shot ran out of nowhere, and the gun he was holding was forcefully pushed out of his fingers. What in the world—

            Another shot, and the sound of shattering glass caught him. 29 turned and saw Hilde, her eyes wide with anger and disbelief, looking at her bloody fingers. Almost to her side, the bottle lay, now broken to pieces. Their eyes met for a moment, and they both turned towards the entrance of the alley.

            A silhouette of a man could be seen from afar. 29 had to squint to see who it was. Damn it, it was so dark in the alley, and the man was a good distance away from them. How could he hit his gun and the bottle with such amazing accuracy? And who was he?

            A broken sound caught his attention, and he saw Hilde sinking to her knees as she stared at the figure. "You…" was all that came from her lips.

            Finally, the man stood before them. He turned to her with dark eyes. "Hilde."

            "My goodness, Heero." Hilde whispered shakily. In shame, she tried to hide her face from him, but was bound by his glare. "You're…"

            "I am here." Was all that he said. "I've come for you."

            It was as if those words had awakened her from a deathly sleep, for the lost look in her eyes was suddenly gone. She shook her head, "Why?"

            But even 29 no longer needed words. It was seen in the way the man was looking at her. He had heard every damn word; the expression in his gaze told her he knew. And 29 saw it all, how the same pain in Hilde's eyes was reflected on his. How the same regret and self-pity was understood in his countenance. It was he who was the reason why she hadn't wanted to die. It was he who came for her.

            29 knew. Hilde Schbeiker may have been broken. But she had something else. She had salvation. She had someone who understood. Who was willing to come for her.

            There were others who could never achieve such salvation. 

             He reached for the pistol in his boot. He could not allow this, could not bear what was happening… could not understand what he wanted. But he knew what had to be done.

            "Don't even dare." That deadly voice stopped him. And he looked up to see dangerously glittering blue eyes narrowed at him, with a gun trained on the same direction. It was then when he realized who the man was.

            It was her man, 29 realized. The 'boy' that he had found startlingly familiar. He now realized who the person was in full, shocking measure. Heero Yuy. A renowned pilot and assassin who also once worked on an external mission assigned by the Black Star. The only one who escaped.

            _Damn it all, why now?_

            And though 29 was bragging about this man's inferiority to his skills earlier, he knew that in this case, the truth was the opposite. He could die so easily now…

            Heero had lifted Hilde by lacing his arm through her waist. 29 watched as she hid her face from him in disgrace. She only winced as the man's hand strayed to her wound. Heero's eyes immediately turned murderous as his eyes returned to him.

            "She will not die."

            But even from his position, 29 could see Hilde. Despite how she vainly tried to hide her face away, he could see her struggle. Her eyes were half shut, and she was biting her lip in order to keep awake. Her body had now recognized safety, he realized, and was slowly stopping from giving her added strength. Her adrenaline moments were gone, and she was slowly drifting away. "She might."

            "I will kill you first."

            He turned tired eyes to Heero. "That won't change a thing. And she knows it."

            He deliberately referred to Hilde, and not to Yuy. And the words caused such an effect on the man's face, fear overtaking anger. "I won't let her—"

            "Do you think I want her to die, Yuy?" 29 grated out. "I would be the one to suffer the consequences—I don't want her to die." She deserved more than the pain the Base had prepared for her. She deserved a better life. It was that realization, that _truth_ which bound him and kept him back from doing what he had to do. 29 knew there was no other way. He was going to lose. And he didn't know whether to be pleased or to be afraid. He took a deep breath and lifted his pistol.

            "Are you going to shoot me?" Yuy asked him.

            "You." He pointed towards Hilde. "Her."

            Yuy stiffened before him. "Why?" he asked in a terse voice.

            29 took a deep breath. "So that you would defend yourself."

            It seemed as if Yuy knew what he was talking about. "You want me to kill you."

            29 closed his eyes, tried to remain nonchalant… "She had a point. Dying is better than going back to Auschwitz without my mission accomplished."

            Yuy didn't move, merely stared at him, as if gauging his statement. And 29 expected many things. He expected him to let a bullet lose at him, to hit him, even to go as far as to cuss him. What he didn't expect was for Yuy to merely lift Hilde in his arms and to turn away from him.

            "What?" No. This was his only escape. They just couldn't leave him there!

            He pointed his weapon to them; he could easily hit Heero Yuy behind him and regain his mission. He could still salvage this.

            But Yuy spoke. "I really do want to kill you right now."

            He started, "What… Then why—"

            "More than that, I want to make you suffer. I want to make you pay. But you're worth more than that. Killing you would be like killing… her." His voice betrayed a hint of pain at the word. "They're not worth destroying your life over. Let her live, and live."

            His pistol fell from his fingers.

            Heero turned to Hilde and whispered vague words to her. She merely shook her head at him, an action that caused her face to loll tiredly at his side. In a vain attempt, she tried to hold on to his shirt. "I'm so sorry… Heero."

            And it couldn't be helped; her half-open eyes shut close after the proclamation.

It won't be long. She could—

            Heero swore, and began to dart off into the night.

            And 29 fell to the ground, sobbing. Because he had just witnessed what he'd forced to blind himself to. Because he had realized that he had forgotten to value what mattered most in life. Because in spite of all these, he still felt as if he had no right to choose for himself.

            Because he realized that he could live.

~~~

_            Then maybe, maybe you don't have any idea what it was like, living the way I did._

            Heero stalked down the hall, trying desperately to ignore her voice in his mind. Damn it, he was losing all control. The way her voice had sounded, laced with such disturbing despair, was a memory he knew that he would never forget in his life.

            And just a few steps away from him, in the bathroom, she was being handled by someone else. Treated.

            _She's going to die,_ Nicky had said.

            Heero took a laboured breath and placed his hands on his knees, struggling to remain on his feet. 

            _Tell me! Tell me you understand!_

            **_Kuso_!**

            Driven with such a force, he bolted further towards the bathroom, hoping that the sight of her would lessen the guilt and the heavy darkness that had settled within him. He didn't even know what to think anymore—

            The door opened under his insistent fingertips. Heero gasped painfully.

            Her once vibrant dark hair was now limp and dull, looking terribly out of place, splayed against the stark white tiles of the bathroom. Her wrist was frighteningly pale, where bluish veins were prominently seen. Half-naked, he could see how the right side of her abdomen was being treated by Callista. His eyes travelled lower, and he finally took sight of the floor by her side, a pool of blood and some traces of it even farther. Blood…

            So much blood…

            And finally, he saw Hilde's face.

            She was so deathly pale, with her lids shut weakly. Lifeless lips were half-open, almost colourless. If it weren't for the barely visible sight of the mere lifting of her chest, she might have been taken for a corpse… And her eyes…

            If she opened them now, would he find them looking at him with anger and accusation?

            _Do you hear that? I want to… I want to kill myself._

            Blood, so much blood. At her side… at her feet, globules of it between her legs…

            Heero heard a deafening roar in his ear, and it was only when Callista looked up at him with startled emerald eyes that he realized that it was he who was screaming.

            "Lad—stop it!"

            He shook his head, his breath caught in his throat. He fell against the bathroom wall. "_Iie, iie_…"

            Callista slowly stood, wiping the blood off her fingers. She walked towards him, but he felt too distant to care. But she went on and framed his face with her hands. "Heero, when you were out in the streets with none the lesser an idea of what to do with your friend, you came to me. I told you that she would be in good hands. Lad, I _am_ capable, and I _tell_ you that there is hope. You can trust me. Watching her like this and acting the way you do will _not_ help her."

            Heero closed his eyes, and Callista went on. "She will be alright, if you let me help her. Help yourself, Lad, and rest."

            With that, she gently pushed him away from the room and closed the door. Heero shook his head and laid himself on the door after that. Help himself?

            When, in blinding irony, it seemed that it was the only thing he had ever done ever since he met her?

            Damn it, how could he have let pass that she was suffering just as much? Why hadn't he seen the pain she harboured as well? Since when had he been so blind?

            With that, Heero struggled to get up, letting himself into his room with unstable steps. And it was only when the door was safely locked behind him that he allowed himself to slide to the floor. 

            He placed his head on his hands, trying in vain to control the emotions within him.

            Vague flashes ran through his mind—running blindly back home, laying her down, and then ordering Nicky to watch her. He had been so unstable that he knew he wouldn't be enough to help her. Then there was the unfamiliar and all consuming panic. Panic. He didn't know how he found Callista. He had simply needed someone who could help, someone who could understand and would not threaten to complicate things. And the face of the wise beggar was the only thing that appeared in his mind. And through his reckless journey towards the Department Square, he was lucky to have found her immediately.

            "Help me." Was all that he had said. But a glance at his wide, bloodshot eyes and trembling hands was all that the woman needed. She had nodded at him and without complaint followed him. She claimed to have treated men who brawled by the square and so on. He hoped that she was right.

            Goodness, her blood… so much of it…

            _I want to kill myself._

            She had wanted to kill herself—

            His Hilde, the one who had stubbornly stood by Duo Maxwell's side, and had come to him with all her bright smiles, firm beliefs and strong spirit. She who had made him believe in living again, had wanted to kill herself.

            Heero could remember with such clarity how she pointed the bottle to her chest, seeing the sharp edges come dangerously near her heart. How she told 29 how cursed her life had been. He never realized…

            He had been so preoccupied with their problems and himself that he failed to notice her own difficulties. How could he have neglected her so much? He had never expected her to understand, never believed that she knew what he had been through and suffered as well. Seeing her threatening to take her life…

            _Because here, within me, I still am nothing._

            Her voice… when she had said that, Heero had not understood. He hadn't seen it as struggling honesty; to him, it had been a blatant hypocrisy. It was Hilde who had taught him acceptance, who had made him accept his feelings and try to embrace his humanity. She had her dreams, and was making him learn to have his as well. It was she who made him face fear and dared him to be happy.

            And it was unbearable, knowing that Hilde, herself, couldn't accept who she really was. She viewed herself as unworthy. It was she who turned against emotions and stayed away from him. It was she who deemed dreams seemingly unreachable. And it was she who feared, and she who deprived him of happiness.

            He had been so angry…

            But no justifying could make up for how he felt now. It was so unbearable. How he finally came face to face with Hilde's problems. Seeing the depth of her pain in the alley was more than enough to make him feel this way.

            To make him feel responsible for this.

            And if she died, he knew whose fault it was.

            _Oh God, please, no…_

            Don't let her die.

            And Heero realized that he was praying.

            _… he was starting to believe._

            And at that moment, he knew that if she really would die, he would never make it.

            He opened his eyes and stared at his hand, wondering at the strange coolness that had taken hold of it. He stared, half in numb fascination and half in fear, as it glistened brilliantly in the faint colony light. Slowly, he lifted his other hand to touch his cheek. Wet. He traced his hand towards his eyes.

            He had once vowed that she wouldn't be the one to bring long-despised tears to his eyes…

            _Why?_ Her voice asked his mind one last time. Why did he come for her? She had wondered… She never knew…

            Helpless sobs started racking his frame as he buried himself in the darkness; desperate to make the shadows hide the tears he didn't want to see.

~~~

            " 'Ey there kid. Came as soon as ye called me. I'm sorry 'bout what happened. And pardon me for saying so, but ye look like hell."

            And though Sig expected Heero Yuy to react in a more entertaining manner, he only realized that he couldn't wait for such a thing when the man before him simply sighed and opened the door further. "Come in, Sig." He spoke curtly.

            _Well, there's yer first open mouth, insert foot incident_, Sig kidded to himself as he entered the house, knowing within that it was the time to get serious. Heero had trusted him, going so far as to give him vague snippets of what he was doing earlier this day. He knew how hard it was for the man.

            He looked around the house, noting the old wooden structure. The place seemed ancient for a colony home, but there was an air of playful warmth within it, from the way the umbrella stand stood welcomingly in the foyer, to how there was a semblance of misguided position on the main couch. Sig _was_ one for details. Heck, he'd counted all the cracks in his broken down apartment just for the fun of it.

            But still, as he looked at Heero's stiff posture before him, and the way his right hand was clenched into a fist, there was tension. Sig looked back at the living room again and saw the scattered furniture, the drops of blood on the floor. 

            _Blood_.

            "You know, she's going ta be a'right kid. The lady said so, and you got to trust her." He let out in a sudden realization.

            But Heero only turned back to him with a smouldering glare, as if his comment was not appreciated. Sig just knew this was because Heero didn't want anyone noticing how vulnerable he really felt at the moment. And this was just what Sig had done. But the lad needed help, damnit! 

            Sig met his glare eye to eye… then noticed how the man seemed to struggle within himself. He immediately knew that Heero must be regretting his decision to call him earlier. Sighing, Sig only shook his head and graciously welcomed himself into their dining room, an act that seemed to relieve Heero.

            "Why did you call me, Heero?"

            Heero sat before him. He really _did_ look miserable, as if half of his life had been taken from him. Like a man on the verge of killing himself. Dark. Sig's observations were cut off when Heero drew out something from his pocket. "Here, look at this."

            Sig took the object and realized that it consisted of several pieces of paper, all crumpled and folded up. "What is this? Where'd you get them from?"

            "Hilde's room. Callista made me get the bandages. I saw them in her drawer."

            "_Heck_, a woman's room! Does she know ye'r taking them?"

            Heero gave him a slicing look. "Of course not! Not when she's damned unconscious! _Urusai_, just read it, will you?"

            "What the _bloody_ spit does that mean?" Sig went on, noticing something.

            "Shut up." Heero was losing his patience.

            "Ah, better use that on the gang next time. 'Bound to make them squirm and think."

            "_Kuso_, Sig, what are you trying to do here?"

            "What does that mean, this time?"

             "_Kisama._"

            Sig finally stopped for Heero's sake. "D'you ken, kid, that ye look a whole lot better angry than bearing that alone? You don't need ta hide fer my sake, Heero. You should let that all out."

            Heero heard his words, then grew silent. "Not now, Sig. Let's leave myself out of this for now. It is her that matters. Just. Read."

            Sig slowly nodded at his words. Too invading… Heero might need some time. Still… He finally shrugged, vowing to himself that he was going to get to the bottom of this soon enough. It was the least he could do. He then opened the first sheet. 

_Damn chit, found yu at last._

_Yu've been very bad, mädchen_

_Yu won't run for long._

_It takes only 1_

_1_

_Got yu! Ha HA ha_

˜

            "A threat." Sig's eyes widened. "Ah, the rug rat doesn't even ken how ta spell." He muttered dryly, folding the sheet. 

            Heero suddenly spoke, still not opening his eyes. "She's been receiving them even when she had been in L2."

            Sig shrugged. "That's nothing new. You, yerself told me that something was out there, looking for her. Having threats, even when she was in L2—if that _was_ where she came from, I dunno—is nothing new."

            Heero raised a palm to hit the table in an angry motion. "She told me that they were looking for her. _Not_ that they had actually _found _her."

            Sig kept silent, allowing him to continue. "And I," Heero finally opened his eyes, revealing to Sig the rage within him, "I foolishly allowed things to take place. I had been so complacent, so unguarded. I allowed us to be so exposed. Every second we had together was actually spent in danger. Someone was following her the first day we saw each other. I was so much better than that. How could I have been so stupid?"

            Sig cut him off before he could say more. "If yer gonna say that this is all yer fault, I'm gonna have to disagree and result to fistfights with ye on that."

            Heero met his look squarely. "Then tell me it isn't. Tell me it's not my carelessness that got her there, almost dead in that alley. I didn't protect her enough! We were supposed to be _helping_ each other—why did I even believe that I could—"

            Sig grabbed the Heero by his shirt. Any self blame could destroy a person. "Stop it, kid."

            "_Iie._" Heero replied, undaunted. He closed his eyes once more and jerked away from him. 

            "You're not being yerself, Heero. You better get some rest." Sig finally let out gently.

            Heero shook his head steadily. "It doesn't matter. What matters is what I called you here for."

            Sig relented for a second. "And what was that for?"

            "We need to get her out of here."

            "What?" Sig replied, incredulous.

            Heero turned to him, his eyes faintly pleading. "She's in danger, Sig, and she needs your help. If ever she gets well again—"

            "She _will_ get well again."

            "—you can take her anywhere. Anywhere, as long as it's safe. You told me you could do anything, undetected."

            Sig nodded. "I can do that, Heero. But I don't understand."

            Heero sighed, on the verge of getting upset again. "What can't you understand?"

            "You're not going with her?"

            A bitter look came over Heero's face, darkening his disturbed features even more. His eyes glittered with an unnameable expression before he looked away, shielding his vulnerability. Finally, he spoke in a solemn, fevered voice. 

             "I'm not." 

Author's Notes:

Hi there everyone. Don't pull your strings over this chapter yet. The second half is done, and could hopefully be posted by tomorrow evening. This part is also bound for revision, since I'm still waiting for another editor's input on it.

Es Tut Mir Leid – I am sorry (Obviously) | Es Tut Mir Wirkleich Leid – I am so sorry

To:

Skeyeta – Thanks for the great comments. They inspired me to work more.

Ingga – Thanks for the wonderful support. Don't worry, I understand your thoughts. Well then, wait and see! I hope you'll be pleased!

Sabacat – Thanks for being the constant inspiration for this series. J

Jennifer – Ooh! Thanks thanks thanks! (blushes)

Rogue Angel Barton – You're the 'bestest' too—ha! You know what I mean, thanks! 

Draco Starcloud – Oops, my bad! Er, they always said that bump on my head did do something wrong with my thinking… Your review was great!

Rion Mac Leod – I forgot to do this a long time ago, err, thanks for pointing that out. Argh, Heero's eyes **are** blue! Where the heck did I get the brown thingy! Maybe I was getting too obsessed… Y'know what I mean. 

Sam – You know how much you matter to me. Love you, girl! Mighty big thanks!

Thanks for all who reviewed!

Thank you God. (Can't help doing that) ^.^


	16. Part 12, Section Two: -Point is, love - ...

In the Arms of Destruction Part 12, Section Two 

            It was at the unholy hour of four o'clock in the morning when Sigfreud found himself standing before the house where Heero Yuy lived.

            "_Och_ now, McCain. What's gotten into yer messed up head?" He mumbled to himself, drawing his sweater closer to himself as the intrusive cold seeped through him. He shook his head at himself, however.

            He came here because he saw Tina. 

            Sig straightened his clothes and stepped up onto the porch. Yes, he had seen Tina earlier. It was just the simple act of staring at the raven-haired woman as she raised her arms over herself, yawning as she rubbed her eyes to rouse herself from sleep. He had been there in the living room himself, wakened by his thoughts on Heero's decision of two days ago. And as he watched the slightest movement of the corner of her lips, the adorable sway of her disarrayed her, and the gentle but encompassing way her lids lifted to reveal her handsome grey hazel eyes, he realized something. 

            He knocked on the door. 

            It took several more tries before Callista opened the door for him. The wizened woman merely nodded at him before letting him in. _Huh,_ he thought, wondering why the woman didn't even ask him what he was doing there at such an early hour. 

            "How's the girl?" 

            Callista gave a small smile, asking for his jacket. "Better. She had been feverish during the first night… Kept on tossing in her sleep. She trembles, Sigfreud, and screams out many a fierce thing. As if…" her eyes narrowed as she hooked the coat. "She was fearing something in her dreams. But now, she's mellowed down. The fever's almost gone." 

            "Good." Sig nodded at that. "And Heero?" He asked hesitantly. 

            Callista shook her head. " The lad has been holding himself well, compared to how he's been before. Truly, I don't think the girl would have made it if it weren't for him." 

            "What do you mean?" 

            She moved her head, willing her fiery hair to shade the striking emerald of her distracted eyes, "He has kept a solemn vigil on her. Truly, I am much left out of the room all the time. He is simply there, watching her. It is disturbing, too intense, as if it was he who was feeling the suffering the poor lass had to go through." Callista shook her head. "It was he who had been there when the girl suffered through her night visions. He had heard every single fear, every painful memory." 

            Her eyes narrowed as she straightened the jacket once more. "I'm sensing it well. It's not good for him." 

            Sig started at that, broken from his thoughts. "What?" 

            Callista sighed, "Self-blame is one of the most destructive weapons used against the self. It is hard to defeat… when one uses it against himself, everything is thrown at risk and there is a very small chance for victory. The boy is standing at the edge of the cliff, my man, and is looking down. I have seen this all happen before." 

            Sig looked down and swore. "That damned idiot." 

            Callista refuse to remark on the expletive, but nodded her agreement. Slowly, she closed her eyes. "We always search for something to blame, we people. Somehow, we see the detection and torment of the one at fault would help make things easier. Foolish, foolish! Can we all not see that there _is_ pain in life, and mistakes are bound to happen? Why further aggravate them? The eye," she lifted her lids, "should focus on what really is happening and how to make things better again. Ignorance is cowardice and uselessness; and blame is its manifestation. Acceptance is the answer." 

            She stepped away from him. "And one wonders why happiness is so hard to find…" 

            Sig merely stared at her with respect, pondering on the small part of what he understood from her profound words. He didn't know as much as her, but those softly offered words were enough. 

            Tina would be up by now, too rambunctious for her 28 years of age. She would try hard to cook once more, and would end up, more or less, with another form of unidentifiable destruction. However disgruntled, she would ask each and every member of their makeshift family to eat it. Reese would thoroughly support her, nodding enthusiastically with every command she gave. Amidst the groans, the spits, and the immediate grabs for water, she would raise her head and look for him… 

            Sig needed no other words. He ran up the stairs toward the room. 

            … _"Where's Sig?"_ she would ask. _"I made this especially for that big oaf…"_

            He only knocked once and opened the door immediately. He did not know how he knew this was the room, but he felt driven by a force… 

            The room was as almost pitch black, and was as hot as hell. Sig cussed beneath his breath and strained his eyes to see… 

            Heero didn't even lift his eyes from her as he muttered. "She'll be waking soon." 

            Sig released his deeply held breath. 

            If Heero had seemed so dark, so distant a few days ago, that had been nothing compared to how he looked now. There was a startlingly controlled, yet infinitely intense air to him. Bitter, dark. He was posed on the seat beside the bed, hands laid on the sides of the chair, his stare unwaveringly set on the occupant of the bed. 

            Sig sharply glanced at the girl. Hilde's image was just as worrying. She was pale, so pale that he could still see her features in the dark. Her closed lids were constrained in an expression that revealed how tired she was, and just as well, how frightened she had been. Her breaths were even—a puny comfort—and some of her hair clung to her neck in sweat. Through the blankets encasing her, one hand was revealed at her side, her slim wrist exposing several cuts, the lifelessness accentuated by the lack of colour. 

            Sig returned his gaze to Heero, and his eyes narrowed. He had no doubt that those were the same clothes he had seen him wearing two days ago. Damn, hadn't he even left her for a second? He had no doubt that those hands, now carefully gripping the armrests  of the seat, had been there to tend for Hilde day and night, without a stop. Those limp arms of his had been there to restrain her when she started thrashing in her sleep. Those ears had heard all of her fears, all of the painful memories and all of her pleas. And those eyes, those burning dark eyes, had probably received the worst, seeing her suffer before him and being unable to do anything… 

            Sig knew what it had been like, sitting in that chair. 

            And what was most startling was how despite Heero's condition, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There was no trace of fatigue, no expression of remorse. Only straight, strong, and disturbing determination. He sat there with the calculated grace of a soldier, one so focused, so direct and so prepared. No emotions reeked him. Nothing fazed him. Sigfreud didn't see the man he knew as Heero Yuy. What he saw in his place was a skilled assassin, a master pilot, someone who was merely there to complete a mission. 

            It was frightening. 

            "She talks in her sleep," Heero began in that voice, devoid of all feeling. "She has revealed more about her life than needed, unconsciously. I now know…" 

            "What do you know?" Sigfreud finally found his voice. 

            Heero looked up at him. "She will wake soon. Will you be there to help her?" His direct gaze was unnerving. It was hard, steely. 

            But Sig didn't falter. "That is not important. Will you be there?" 

            Heero narrowed his eyes into a slicing glare. "It doesn't matter where I will be. As long as she's safe." 

            Sig ignored this and returned his eyes to Hilde. "You haven't left her all this time. Why leave now?" 

            "That is none of your damn business." 

            The answer was scathing. Sig shrugged and stepped towards the bed. Immediately, Heero's stance turned slightly protective, and his eyes fell on her as well. An indescribable emotion flashed past his orbs then, but it was gone as soon as it came. 

            "Your staying here and making a shameful misery of yourself won't stop her from suffering, Heero." Sig began, "And leaving her would, just as well, not make things any better. In truth, it would only make things bloody worse." 

            Heero's expression didn't change, although there was a measurable widening of his eyes. "Shut up. And you think that my staying here wouldn't make things worse? I've done nothing but make things more difficult for her, I couldn't even keep her safe—" 

            "So at the first sign of difficulty, you bail out and leave?" Sig shook his head, disgusted. "I expected more from you—" 

            Heero suddenly stood from his chair, his eyes now blazing with anger. "Damn you! _Kisama_, you have no right to say that… You think this is not hard for me? I'm doing this for _her_—" 

            Sig stalked nearer, "And you don't think that abandoning her would make her miserable?" He half-yelled, his temper almost getting the best of himself. "Are you really doing this for her, Yuy? Or are you doing this for yourself?" 

            Heero finally stopped himself. Closing his eyes, he released a deep breath and whispered tiredly. "It's better this way." 

            Sig couldn't take it anymore. "Why you damn bloody fool!" 

            Even before he, himself knew it, he had dragged Heero out of the room and had slammed him against the wall in the hallway. 

            "You don't deserve her!" 

            Heero didn't even resist. "I never said I did." 

            Sig scowled. "She obviously believed you did. Was she mistaken?" 

            The furious glare Heero snapped back to him made him continue. "Tell me, Heero, had the lass ever left you? Even when you seemed so certain that she would? Do you think she ever considered doing the things you're planning to do now?" 

            Heero started at that, apparently struck by memories. Sig could see the makings of a realization appear with the guilt slowly surfacing in Heero's eyes, and so he went on, "Would you rather have her suffer the way _you_ were scared to suffer if ever she left you?" 

            Heero's jaw was tightened and his fists were clenched as those words hit him. But after several moments of silence, he merely turned weakened eyes to him. "It doesn't really matter anymore." He whispered resignedly. 

            Sig clenched his jaw. "And so it is." Finally, he released Heero. 

            His words startled the man. And for the first time ever since their confrontation, Heero spoke with hesitation. "What do you mean?"

            Sig stepped away from him. "You better be living up to yer word, Heero." 

            His eyes snapped back to him, now narrowing with a heated emotion. "I don't understand." 

            "Don't be doing any thing that would ruin her life once more." Sig began. 

            "What?" Heero scowled, confused. 

            "Just as I said, Heero." Sig sneered. "You should be prepared to face the consequences of yer actions." 

            "I am." Heero hissed out darkly. 

            "Oh really?" Sig raised his brow. "Then don't ye ever show yer face to her again after this. I personally don't know the girl, but seeing how things are now, I'd very gladly hit yer face to a bloody pump before I let you touch her. _That_ is for your admirable _courage_." 

            Heero's mouth had dropped open at that statement. Sig smirked. He obviously didn't expect that. "She'll be crying, you know. Things will be bloody miserable; countless nights wondering what she'd done wrong and all that, but it won't be that way forever. And when she steps into the arms of another man, don't you go regretting what you did. Never step in. If she becomes happy, if she decides to forget you, leave her be. And don't bother finding out how she's living, or how many kids she's having, or anything to do with her life at all." 

            "Stop it." Heero began grating out; his voice was faint. 

            "And I don't care if you have to lay awake each and every night of your miserable life thinking about your decision. I don't care if you seethe with jealousy whenever you hear about who she's with and how life has been for her. Heck, I won't care if you start thinking useless what if's. I don't give a damn if life will lose its meaning to you, and all that you'll be is a half-person, mourning over something you let go. I definitely wouldna' care if your fears ruin your life for you. Just leave her alone. You lose all right, all ties with her the moment you step out that door and separate yourself from her." Sig went on, repeating ever single emotion he had gone through before. It stung just to say those words, but he knew he had to… And there, a frightening expression now dwelled in Heero's eyes. "You will not matter. You will be nothing. Everything you think you've had with her will be thrown away—" 

            "_Yamero!_" Heero growled, suddenly clenching his fists into Sig's shirt. "Shut up!" 

            "Live up to your words, Yuy!" Sig yelled back. "Because if you don't you truly are a damn fool who doesn't deserve her. You _will_ let… her… go. Even if that means your own misery—" 

            Heero's fist cut off his words. 

            "I will _never_ leave her, Sigfreud! I can never leave her. What kind of a person do you think am I? Do you think I can bear the thought of leaving Hilde?" Heero began savagely. "I don't even _know_ how I will survive a single second without that stupid, obstinate person who, more than anything in the world, changed my life for me. I don't know what happened, if I had been willing or unwilling—all I know is that _she_, she matters to me. So damn much. And I don't know how I can make it through, knowing I hurt her." Heero revealed in a strangely vulnerable voice. He kept his eyes low as he went on softly, "I'm making her leave me, Sig—because _I can't._" 

            Sig wiped the blood that trickled from the side of his mouth. 

            "I have been nothing but a damn failure. She's in there, facing demons in her sleep, because of me. She had to suffer through those wounds because I hadn't been there." Heero's voice was laced with unnameable pain, and his eyes expressed such unnerving despair; shame. "I caused more damage than actually help her. We're obviously destroying each other. What do you want me to do?" Heero's voice broke. He then closed his eyes and sighed, muttering tiredly, bitterly. "You don't know what it's like." 

            With that, he stepped away from Sig… and turned to walk away. 

            "Oh, but I do." Sig whispered, so faintly that it was almost inaudible. "I do." 

            Heero stopped in his escaping steps. He didn't turn. 

            "You may be wondering what the hell my business is, trying to mend things this way. Spit, I don't even know the girl personally, but you, _you_, Heero Yuy—you I know. As I know myself." 

            He leaned on the wall and tilted his face skyward, then closed his eyes. "And I know what it's like, regretting every moment of your life, just because you let someone go." 

            Heero released a sharp breath. 

            Sig raised his head high, as if staring at some unseen horizon. "I knew what it was like to fall in love." He began, speaking of thoughts that he had never shared with anyone. "I may have been young, aloof, and a tad foolish that time, but I felt it when it hit me. She had not been the perfect Mary Sue we men all dream about, nor had she been a princess of dreams. She was just, her, and that made it special. I guess it was the way her legs looked, or how her eyes seemed to hide many truths. Or maybe, it was the way that she smiled, rarely though she did those days, at me—_Och_, at me, of all people. Only at me, and how proud I was; it was only to me whom she revealed her beauty. It was so sudden, so unexplainable, but I felt it." His voice had mellowed down to an affectionately soft brogue. "Before I knew it, I had married her. And yes, Heero, I was happy. Nay, I was happier than ever before in my rotten, spit-down life. Like there was a purpose, or such." 

            Heero, though he kept his distance, gave him a discerning glance. "Reese's mother." 

            Sig nodded, finally facing him. He closed his eyes. "But many things change, Heero." 

            "Things don't change, Sigfreud, we do." Heero suddenly whispered through the haze of thoughts in Sig's mind. The pain in the man's voice made him affirm the thought immediately. For it was the truth… 

            "Aye, and in this case, it had been I. Might have been because of the bloody war which we, ourselves, also caused. I had caused so much… death, even madness—siding from one side to another, all to make the money I never had as a youngun. What I had done was unforgivable, disgusting even." Sig paused. "And so, I was… disturbed. I felt, I felt—" 

            "Dirty. Undeserving. Someone who can no longer be saved." Heero's soft voice completed steadily. Sig heard it when the other also laid himself on the opposite wall. "Exactly." 

            Sig then turned away, lifting his lids to reveal the pain in his eyes. "It was then when I decide to keep Rowena safe. I did not want her seeing the bitter side of me. I had to protect her from being hurt. Oh, many, many things happened. But what I never noticed was that how, in my efforts to protect her from myself, I actually hurt her instead." His voice cracked once more. "And she had to bear it, suffering every day because of me…" He could no longer go on. "And I only found out when it was too late." 

            Heero no longer spoke. Sig released a sharp breath. Rowena died giving birth to Reese. "I know what it's like, Heero, watching someone you love suffer before you, and being unable to do anything about it. I _know_. But there is one thing much worse than that." He choked. "It is seeing her suffer, and knowing that it had been directly because of you. Not because you failed to protect her, not because you didn't provide anything for her. But because you didn't love her enough, when that was all she had needed, and was all that you had wanted to give. She went through misery that hurt much more than the labor that took her life, Heero. And it was all because of me." 

            Sig then grew quiet, unsure of what to say. The memories were too much, his feelings too fragile. He could feel the words sinking in… and suddenly he knew. 

            "And I had been through many things since then. Those days were the worse in my life. I felt so… damned. So many sleepless nights, so much blame—you don't know what it's like. Regretting every waking day, thinking about what you could have done to make things right. Seeing her suffering face in everything you do. It was horrible… it was a life not worth living." 

            A smile slowly lifted on Sig's lips. "It was only Reese who got me through those dark times, Heero. I had to live for her—the babysitter wasna' enough." He chuckled to himself, thinking of Tina the first time he employed her. "I had made the wrong decision, Heero, and I had lost my chance. But Reese… she seemed like a sign, that somehow, things could be right again, and that maybe, just maybe, I _am_ forgiven. I see Rowena smiling through her, at times. And I still believe, truly, that what we had was, and still _is,_ true." 

            Sig now turned to face Heero. "I won't make the same mistake again, Heero." 

            Heero, who had his eyes closed, slowly nodded. Sig nodded at the action himself, and with a small smile, went on. "Listen, Heero. Love's not all its cracked up to be. It isn't all about falling in love and, say, living happily ever after. It has its traps and thorns…" _Where did I get_ that _from_? He mumbled to himself in spite of the situation. Sig sighed, feeling a lightness within him already. "The point is, it comes… faulty. There are many wrongs, much fights, anger—and aye, pain. And there will always be mistakes. But what the bloody hell _is_ love without them?" Sig took a deep breath. "Love, it doesn't come perfect. And ye have to deal with that. It doesn't need perfect people, nor perfect circumstances, either. Maybe because getting to love is enough perfection…Ye have to take that risk, Heero. Or else, what would be left for ye in life?" 

            Sig stepped closer. "Bad things—they come and they go, but what matters is what ye do about it. Trust me. Just make sure ye don't do the wrong thing." He sighed and glanced away at another reflection, though. "And when yer in love, it doesn't consist of you—it also makes up the other person. You can't go making decisions for the both of you. For how can there be love, whatnot, when the other is not there?" Sig snorted. "Point is, ye have to reach out ta her, let her ken how ye feel, before doing things on yer own. _That_ is the way to work things out. I mean, _reach out_, mon; don't do the stupid thing ye've been trying to do all along. _That_ is one of the things I'd never, in my whole sodd—" 

            Heero finally opened his eyes to him. "I think… I understand, Sig." He whispered, an wry, but appreciative smile on his lips. 

            And there, Sig finally realized all that Heero truly felt. There, watching as the other laid against the wall, eyes trailed on an indistinguishable distance, reflecting on the truths that had opened them, hands on the wall to support himself—Sig saw. The anger, the blame, the fear, now together with hope, with chance, with the willingness to try. And maybe, just maybe, happiness. 

            Sig shrugged, glancing at the dried blood on his hand. He had done it. "Think about it, Heero." 

            Heero took a deep breath, then slowly stood up. There was a warm look in his eyes that spoke more than a million "thank you's" ever could. He nodded at Sig. "I think I will." 

            And with that, he walked away and headed towards the stairs. But just as Sig was about to give a veritable sigh of relief, Heero paused and looked back at him. "I did learn something, you know." 

            Sig started, suddenly confused—and a mite worried. "What was that?" 

            There was a mocking look in the younger man's eyes. "You. You lose your accent when you get upset. Strange thing, isn't it? I thought it should be the other way around." 

            Sig's indignant, shocked expression was priceless. "Why ye… I let ye get away with the bloody punch, but if ye want a spittin' fistfight, I'd…" 

            "Go to Tina and practice what you preach by telling the innocent little _onna_ how you feel. And shut up, Sig, I don't need an answer. You can hit me when you're done." The amusement in Heero's voice told Sig he didn't completely have the upper hand. He gave him an amazed look and crossed his arms over himself. "Huh." 

            Heero merely chuckled as he descended away from Sig's sight. Sig smiled; at least, the Heero—the _better_ Heero he knew was back. And there was something else he had to do. He _did_ want to practice what he preached… he only hoped there was still something left of Tina's bad breakfast of the day to tease her about. 

            Callista appeared from the staircase Heero had disappeared in earlier. She was looking down, "My, the boy seems much better now. On my word, that smile _was_ fetching." She turned to Sig. "Whatever did you say to him?" 

            Sig grinned cheekily. "Not much." 

            Callista gave him a knowing look. "Oh really?" 

            He shrugged. "After all, when ye put two angst, bitter, temperamental people who had been through the worst in life together, things happen—they'd either go against and kill each other, or join and do the killing together." 

            Callista looked shocked. "I will take that as a jest." 

            It was then when Sig realized something. 

            He _had_ talked about love. _Yech_. But who cared? There was something else— 

            Yes, he had talked about love, and related it to Heero. And the man never gave a single complaint. 

            Did that actually mean that the lad already realized he was in love with the darn girl already? 

            Sig gave a smirk to answer Callista's statement. "You may." 

~~~ 

            The sun slowly rose over the horizon, enhancing what was little of Tirrill's wonderful view. The mists slowly descended, and life slowly awakened. Everything was refreshed, renewed and invigorated with life. 

            Everything will start, then, and this peace will slowly disappear, giving way to the chaos of the day, filled with bright hopes, dark anxieties and many events. Life will go on. 

            And as Heero stood from beside the lake, staring at the moving ripples from within, he finally nodded and closed his eyes. Then at last, he gave a little smile. The sun's light reached him from beyond the covering structures, and he opened his eyes. 

            Yes, life will go on. 

~~~ 

            And it was then when the light seeped past a window, passing a still-warm chair to lay gently on the pale face of another person. 

            And it was then when Hilde Schbeiker opened her eyes. 

            And screamed. 

End – Chapter Twelve 

To Saba – Yay! Finally heard from you… I'm glad you thought it was great. Gah, I'm still low on some grammar! (o.o) TY!


	17. Part 13: -It's over-

In the Arms of Destruction, Part 13 – On the Grey

PG 13/15 for curses, situations and actions. Very dark 

_There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea._

_You became the light on the dark side of me._

_Love remained a drug that's the high, not the pill_

But did you know that when it snows

_My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen_

- Seal, Kiss From A Rose

            An undeniable force within her suddenly kicked her from the remorseless neutrality of cold oblivion, opening her into the glare of a room.

            And Hilde expected to see her personal quarters, or their marching field, the barracks, or even their prison cells before her. She was still frighteningly alert, waiting for the sound of the First's voice, or maybe another slap, or a hit to her body. She could accept blood on her lips, the glares of others on her face, and plain anger towards the world. The merciless stream of dreams that hovered between memories and nightmares still held her consciousness, and thus continuously had her in its control.

            And so this was not what she had expected. A clean, quaint room, with lace curtains moving in the soft breeze, the sun's faint light touching her face. Bloody hell, the bed was _soft_, too much, even for her. And she had blankets. Comfortable ones.

            In trepidation, Hilde lifted her wrist. Her eyes narrowed. Countless cuts marred the surface of the back of her hand, and a large gash blemished her palm. Her other hand was no different, but neither hurt much… Her eyes narrowed—she had been treated. Well spit, who in the world would dare help her? That wasn't allowed until she owed everything to herself, publicly… Stressed by the thought, she rolled to her side.

            And that was when the pain in her waist gripped her. She let out a moan and fell back. Damn it all, how in the world did she get injured _there_, of all places? It wasn't a vital place, nor did the wound seem at most fatal… But then—

            Hilde allowed a trembling hand to brush against the wound. The instant she did so, a flash of a vision seized her. Blue eyes… angry, hurt, disbelieving eyes that made her want to cower in shame.

            And all of a sudden, her mind surged with thundering recollections, some frighteningly vague, others with blinding clarity. Too overwhelming… they attacked her senses relentlessly—the sensation of killing edges brought against her skin, the blind anger at 29, the slicing words from her lips, then the numbing vision of a thousand glass shards falling in the air, with her blood… Her blood… Then the loss of hope… and seeing him walking down the alley, towards her—Heero's eyes—

            Hilde screamed.

            And then it all came crashing towards her, and she was no longer the girl called by all names and numbers but never by her real one, no longer the fool who trembled, nor the embittered girl who had just hurt herself…

            She had been free for five years already. She had a life of her own, and was the person she really was. She was not just Heidi now, not 26. She was Hilde Schbeiker. And she had just tried to kill herself.

            She gasped for breath. _Nein._

            Slowly, she glanced around the room once more. There was no one there.

            Tears slowly filled her eyes. He wasn't here.

            _Damn it, Heero Yuy—why didn't you just let me die?_ Whimpers rose up in her chest as intense sadness rose within her. What the hell was she still doing here? What kind of game was he playing? Trying to be some blasted saviour… hadn't he seen enough? What kind of torture was this? Knowing that he had heard every cursed word she had uttered, had seen her trying to commit such an unforgivable sin…

            She knew he would hate her. He had seen and heard the darkest, most wounded, sickest part of her being. He had seen her blood. He knew. He would hate her, just as they did—or maybe, find her a fool, pity her, would want to be rid of her. Would he try to mock her, too?

            He might as well have killed her.

            Feeling the harshness of reality defeat her, Hilde didn't bother to wipe her cheeks dry as tears slipped a silent, agonizing path through her pale skin. Abandonment had left silence and coldness as her only option for comfort.

~~~

            Heero wasn't sure of many things.

            Yes, he affirmed in his mind with a nod as he walked back home. That much was true. For one thing, he wasn't sure about how he really felt at the moment. Whenever he thought back to the images of that night, from his foretelling fears about her disappearance, to their row after that, or to the burning kisses they shared momentarily—everything was mixed up in a jumble of anger, despair, want, and still, need. But those were nothing compared to how he felt when he saw Hilde wounded in more ways than imaginable in that alley. The anger in her voice, the vagueness in her eyes, and the shame in her expression… the pain in her… 

            Even now, he still felt the same rage, the same crippling anguish, and the guilt. Heero couldn't deny that it was there. In many ways, he was still damned angry with her, about what she just tried to do to her life. And there was still the deeper fury, one directed at himself, for failing her. Everything… things were too complicated for him to describe. Coupled with the frustration of his relationship with her, the burden seemed enough to make any man fall.

            Yes, he was unsure of many things.

            Heero spotted their street within his vision. He took a deep breath and nodded. _Hai_, but he was sure of one thing. 

            He was sure of the emotions he felt during Sig's surprising anger. The dread that overwhelmed even the blame towards himself when Sig warned him against going near Hilde again. The jealousy that overrode even the bitter confusion within him when the image of Hilde happy with Duo came with Sig's threats. The powerful anger that surpassed the despairing confusion that made him want to give up all together when Sig pronounced that everything, _everything_ that Hilde and he ever had would be nothing. Heero could remember every single moment of that talk… that much was more undeniable.

            And Heero was sure of what to do.

            What not to do, that was. Yes—he was confused, among other, even more pressing things. Yes, he was upset. But he would not leave her. Not now.

            _Never_, he had once said.

            Even at the cost of his own pain, if ever. 

            Heero paused. Suddenly, an uncalled-for thought sprang back to him. What if it took Duo and her being together for her to be happy, what then? Heero scowled at the thought. He did not know.

            If Hilde had confided that she could not let him go, then that sentiment was nothing compared to the sudden possessiveness he felt. _He_ could not let her go—_more_.

            For if there was one thing he could be truly sure of, it was the presence of his feelings for her. The truth that she made him happy, and that, yes, he wanted her. He needed her. Yes, nothing, no repulse, no ignorance could change that.

            He could not leave.

            And that was when Heero neared the house. Feeling a sense of urgency within him as he glanced at the windows to Hilde's room, he began to run. His heart started pounding madly in chest. The curtains were not drawn, as if something was meant to be hidden. Hiding… There was something…

            He knocked loudly on the door and nearly ran over Callista when she opened it for him. For reasons unknown, the first words out of his mouth were "Is she awake?"

            Callista's lips were drawn in a thin line. She nodded. "Yes."

            Heero nodded curtly and started to head for the stairs.

            Callista's hand on his arm stopped him. He whirled around, too impatient to oblige. But the older woman shook her head.

            "She does not want to see you."

~~~

            Hilde bit her lip as she finally let herself out from the effective enclosure of her room. Her first step rewarded her with another sting from her waist, and she winced. Glaring determinedly at the bathroom door from down and across the hallway, she took another step.

            She went on with slow progress, bearing every slice of pain for each step. "_Scheisse_!" she muttered to herself as she tried to support herself by placing a hand on the wall. 

            Hissing to herself, she took several steps further. Finally seeing the doorknob within her reach, she gave a small, patronizing smile and lunged for it.

            And felt a thousand needles slicing into her waist. "_Ow!_ Verflucht!" She swore loudly, eyes narrowing in agonizing pain. "Damn it."

            "If you needed help, you should have asked Callista. Or Me."

            Hilde froze. Her hand tightened on the doorknob as she looked away and released a deep breath. Glaring daggers at the wall, she spoke curtly. "I can do this perfectly by myself."

            There was no infliction in his voice, suddenly very near her ear, as he answered. "Perfectly, if your short term goal is reopening that wound in your waist."

            Hilde gave an indignant sound and finally faced Heero, armed with the darkest of looks. He was standing beside the bathroom door, a hand firm on the doorway. If there had been a touch of humour in his words, his tone betrayed none of it. The look on his face was just as unreadable, where his eyes had a guarded expression and his lips were drawn in a grim line. "I don't need your help." She grated out.

            He scowled, but ignored her. "What are you doing out of bed?"

            Hilde mirrored his expression, but followed it with a haughty smirk. "What do you think? And don't give me that crap about my health and all that. I've been through worse before."

            Heero spoke darkly. "Of course, the severe beatings for every misdeed. The accident in the barracks, and that time you hated the most, when they wanted an extremely damaged rib removed."

            Hilde's eyes widened incredulously at his words, and she shook her head in disbelief. Callista had told her that she had been talking in her sleep. But to hear this much from Heero… To hear her memories, her weaknesses brought out before her… "Stop it. Damn you." She hissed at him, wanting to hurt him. Instead, she struggled to open the door. 

            Heero's eyes narrowed as he shut the door back angrily. "Why are you acting this way, Hilde?" He growled.

            Hilde gave a short laugh. "Why, you don't like seeing me this way? Can't accept who I really am?" She shook her head and muttered bitterly. "Really, Heero."

            Heero swore under his breath and grabbed her shoulders in a hard grip. "What the hell is going on with you?" He snarled.

            And if it had been any other moment, Hilde might have broken down at the harsh, upset look on his face. The tone in his voice could have gripped her heart and the light in his eyes might have caused her to tremble. And maybe, just maybe, the whole of him could make her feel inevitably weaker, just now.

            But this was no longer just any moment.

            Heero went on, now achingly softly. "Why didn't you want to see me?"

            Hilde then narrowed her gaze at him. But even so, she released a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Do you really want to know?" She finally whispered. 

            Heero didn't bother replying to that. He merely squeezed her shoulders in affirmation.

            "Then answer me this first," she went on. Then she opened her eyes, revealing to Heero the unaccustomed darkness in them. She took a deep breath, staring into him directly. Slowly, she began, in the softest of voices,

            "You wanted to leave, didn't you?"

            As expected, Heero's mouth fell open. He was unable to form a reply. An unfamiliar surprised expression was on his features.

            And deep within, if she truly owned up to the truth, one more second of seeing the look on his features would be enough to make her break down. And fall. And lose.

            It was settled.

            Hilde gave a self-depreciating, almost wry smile, then went on with her last question. "Then, why didn't you?"

            This time, her voice was clear, with strength and without hesitation.

            As expected, there was no answer. 

            With that, she freed herself from his suddenly slacken arms and stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her.

~~~

            Hilde made a soft, hissing sound as she traced the disinfectant-filled gauze over her palm, feeling the familiar, but still fortunately weaker, pain come from it. It was a day after the incident in the hallway. "There." She took another roll of gauze and started covering the wound. Just a few more days and she could go without it. She wasn't being darned masochistic; she just needed to recover so badly.

            So preoccupied was she by her work that she almost didn't notice when Callista entered the room to bring her dinner. Hilde was securing the bandage when she took a deep breath and began to speak. "Thank you, Callista, so much—for treating me and helping me. I don't know if I have said this enough." She closed her eyes and paused. She wasn't sure about how Heero found Callista, but in all ways, she had been a blessing. The woman had been extremely gentle and caring… And yet, Hilde wasn't sure if she was in the position to return the same kindness and courtesy; things seemed so hard for her at the moment. "But I think, that maybe, you should just leave the meals for me. I can do well eating on my own—you know that." 

            She glanced at her other palm, avoiding looking at Callista's surely reproving eyes. "And still, maybe, tomorrow, I can try getting the meals from downstairs, myself. I need to learn to do things on my own in spite of my—injuries. I'll still eat here, of course…" She trailed off, not knowing whether she was ready to see him or not…

            That was when Hilde realized that Callista had not replied. At all.

            And that there was the all familiar tingling at the base of her back, and at the top of her cheekbones. Exactly how she felt when… whenever—_bloody hell._

            "What are you doing here?" She whirled around from the chair. The familiar sight of Heero Yuy glaring at her with those eyes was enough to make her feel weak within. Damn it, hadn't yesterday been enough? Her eyes narrowed at him, conveying how much she wanted him to just leave.

            Heero didn't speak. Merely strode nearer with leisurely pace, something that, to Hilde, seemed dangerously lethal. With his free hand, he grabbed the tray at the table and set it on her lap. He sat on the bed. "Eat."

            Hilde glared at him. "Not on your life. Leave."

            Heero narrowed his eyes at her. It almost made her shiver, but she merely raised her brow at him and returned the look with similar intensity.

            "Where's Callista?"

            "Out." He answered curtly.

            Hilde started at that, "Then why—"

            "I'm bringing your meal now and you are in no position to complain. So I advise you to shut up and just eat, lest you really want to get your meals from downstairs_, yourself_." Heero interrupted, giving her an icy look that seemed to mock her just as well.

            Hilde gave him a deadly glare. "What is that supposed to mean?"

            Heero gave her an amused glance, then closed his eyes. "You really won't please Callista with your absurd suggestion. She's worked so hard to get you here, and all you can think about is doing things that could end up making you worse. You won't even _eat_. Now how will you accomplish your _intention_ of going downstairs by yourself?"

            Hilde scowled at his scathing words. She had enough. She stood up.

            And dumped the tray at his lap.

            The startled expression on Heero Yuy's face was priceless, (_Ha!_) but Hilde didn't stick around to celebrate her apparent victory. She stalked towards the door without another word, thankful for the receded, though still very present, pain in her waist. She heard Heero giving a strangled "What the—" but ignored him and headed for the stairs. "Eat, yourself." She muttered.

            If deep within, she had been dreading going down the stairs tomorrow, as planned, now the fear was ever more present. How in the world could she accomplish this without falling down at one point? Hilde took a deep breath. Oh, what the hell, it didn't matter, any way. She grabbed the banister for her dear life and took a step down with her left foot. 

            Her entire right side protested. But she muffled her pain with a grunt and went on, leaving no positive thoughts about Heero for ruining her plans and making her do this blasted thing in advance. She heard his footsteps in the hallway just as she was about to take the third step.

            "_Kuso_, Hilde, what are you trying to prove? Stop it."

            Hilde's eyes narrowed in frustration. "You stay away from me, Yuy!" She threatened. _Damn him, damn me for feeling this way for him_, she gritted to herself, then glanced down. Bloody hell, eight more steps! _I can do well without you, Heero. I don't need you…_ She took another step… and her waist was on fire.

            Hilde bit her lip to prevent another sound. But it was enough for Heero. He started to come after her in an instant. In rebellion, Hilde took another step and reached the small landing successfully. But all sensations reared up against her and she finally gave out an agonized moan. 

            But she didn't fall. Heero's arms didn't falter when they enfolded her, as he suddenly appeared to draw her to his side. She gasped at this, feeling light-headed, elated, and desperate at the same time. Heero then went on without a word and tucked her head underneath his chin, holding her near and running a hand through her hair.

            It might have been mistaken for a moment of weakness, but his voice was tender as he whispered to her roughly, "You're too stubborn, _Koishi_. Don't ever do that again."

            As her hands splayed against him, Hilde suddenly faltered, hearing the name she found so endearing. She took a deep breath, taking in the clean, intoxicating scent of him. She would miss this, would dearly long for the completing feel of his arms around her. And if she would close her eyes, it would become so easy to pretend that everything was all right…

            _No._

            Her eyes widened, and she suddenly pushed against him. Looking up at him, she began to speak. "I don't need your help—"

            Suddenly, the gentle look in his eyes was gone, replaced by one that was filled with a tinge of mockery. "That seems _much_ obvious."

            Hilde flared; it was his fault she was here in the first place. But for the first time, she found herself unable to form out biting words to keep him away. It was then when she realized that he still hadn't released her. His hand was firm on her back. And it was warm. 

            Heero went on, moving along the topic as he glanced at the bottom of the stairs. "But," he spoke softly, "it was impressive."

            Hilde started at that. "What? And will you please let go of me?"

            Heero didn't move his arm as he offered his explanation. "You got this far. Most injured people I know couldn't even stand on their own, five days after the injury. You've been heading to the bathroom _and_ trying to go down the stairs in the same span."

            Hilde snorted, unappeased. "Well observed. Your point is _duly_ appreciated."

            "You're welcome." Heero smirked at her. "Come on." He pulled her nearer and started towards the next step.

            "What?" Hilde's eyes widened, disbelieving. "Where are we going?" In her hesitation, she refused to move, but as Heero pulled her further, she found herself standing at the edge of the step.

            Heero stared down the steps as he answered her questions. "You've gone this far. Might as well go through with it."

            Hilde gave him a withering look. "What are you going to do, Heero, push me?"

            Heero, once again, didn't bother answering as he pushed them both to step down. "What!"

            Heero rolled his eyes. "This is getting repetitive, Hilde." At Hilde's glare, he went on with a movement of the lips that closely resembled the formation of a smile. "You'll have to learn to walk, injured, with the least amount of pain possible. Now, lean onto me."

            Hilde tried to quip a hard 'Over my dead body' but the challenging look in Heero's eyes prompted her to remain quiet instead. She merely snorted and tried to step down on her own. 

            The pain, which had mysteriously disappeared when Heero had held her, now returned with a vengeance. _Damn it_. Hilde winced, unable to go on further.

            But Heero, who seemed to have anticipated her move, caught her once more and pushed her towards him. Immediately, the pain receded, and they found themselves both on the next step. "Well done, Hilde," Heero started in a crisp voice that made Hilde want to push him down. "I know you're excited, but I'm sure you can afford waiting for me."

            Hilde snorted, but couldn't help acknowledging the fact that having him assist her downward made things much more comfortable and easier. Still, as Heero led her to another step, she couldn't help retorting. "This is all your fault."

            "Why?" Heero replied without looking at her. Darn it, she was holding on so firmly to him with every step. That, alone, proved how dependent she was on him. Hilde felt so humiliated. 

            "You treat me like I'm some helpless invalid. Like a child." They took another step, this time, with him holding her hand to balance her.

            Heero shrugged. "You _are_ injured. And you _are_ acting like a child."

            Hilde snorted. "Look who's talking? This comes from the person who just told me to shut up."

            "Ah, so you _were_ offended."

            Hilde wanted to hit him. Heero went on, not affronted by the look in her eyes. "That's good."

            "What?" She shrieked out, not caring about the 'repetitive' bit.

            Heero gave her a glance sideward. "Just goes to show that you _are_ still human, much as you've been acting to prove to me otherwise."

            Hilde's jaw dropped at that, and she found herself, yet again, at loss with words. Not wanting to interpret what he said, she simply looked away. "You don't understand."

            She didn't know if it was her imagination, but Heero's hold on her side tightened a bit. "Then make me."

            At those words, Hilde's heart stopped beating. So affected was she that she almost fell down to her knees. It was so easy, so easy to want to let go and believe that things could, just as easily, be made right. And yet, it was so painful… Hilde let go of his hand and did not dare look up at him. "Why haven't you left yet?"

            It was Heero who froze at her words this time. And for several moments, they were accompanied only by a dull, aching silence. Hilde took a deep breath and closed her eyes. _I knew it…_Filled with an unbearable heaviness, she pulled away from him.

            Heero suddenly pulled her back to him, not wanting to let go. When Hilde gasped and lifted questioning eyes to him, he merely shook his head. "Come on, we're almost there."

            Hilde looked on wonderingly, "But I… I don't understand."

            "Then I won't make you." Heero snapped in a hard voice. A sharp pang hit her heart at that. It shook her so badly that she tried to pull free again. This time, Heero removed his hand from her side. _I see_, Hilde thought bitterly.

            She was surprised, however, when Heero took hold of her hand. "Now," he turned to her, his eyes revealing none of the emotions his previous words indicated. "Hold on to the other banister—to your left, like you did to me, then step down, using your good side first. Avoid stretching or crushing your injury. Swing your other leg, if possible. It hurts less."

            Unable to do anything else, Hilde nodded mutely and did as he told—finding, not to her surprise, that she could move easily and with less pain. She nodded to herself, not bothering to acknowledge Heero as she landed on the last step. 

            She remained quiet after that.

            "I guess this means you won't be bringing your meals up, tomorrow." Heero quipped, a tad goading. If going down was that hard, she knew he couldn't imagine her going up the stairs alone, much less with a tray in her hand. Hilde shrugged.

            She kept her gaze down, not bothering to watch Heero's expression. She watched silently as his feet finally retreated from her view, indicating his departure. At last alone, she sighed thankfully and looked up. 

            From her position by the stairs, Hilde gave a quick, surveying glance to her surroundings. Nothing much changed, but she immediately realized how she missed everything so dearly. Getting up, cooking, eating, amidst entertaining banters and affectionate contact, with Heero, then training with him. Then going to the living room, reading and entertaining themselves, among other things…

            Goodness, Hilde thought to herself. _He's been so much a part of me…_ Every moment of each day used to be spent with Heero. Weakened, Hilde wondered if she could go on the same way when Heero left her. It was such a damning feeling… the fear of being abandoned. Suddenly, Hilde just wanted to bolt out of there and free herself, free herself from the suffocating loneliness that was rising within her…

            Heero suddenly returned to her view, and Hilde immediately wiped the beginnings of tears on her eyes away. Muttering darkly to herself, she turned her gaze to Heero and found him carrying… an apple?

            "Here," Heero deposited the fruit into her hands, "You like them, don't you?"

            Hilde looked confused, darting looks between his face and the apple in her hand. "Um—yes."

            Heero nodded. "Well then, let's get going."

            Hilde became even more confused. "Where?"

            Heero sighed, "To your room, Hilde. You left your meal there. You've proven yourself—now, you have to eat. Hold on to that, will you?"

            "Oh," Hilde replied, feeling stupid. "But wait—I can't bring this apple," _Much as I want to_, she confided to herself. It was strangely affecting, how Heero still knew about the things she wanted and those that she didn't. "I don't even know how to, well, how to go up. How do you expect me to do so with this in my hand?"

            Heero shrugged, his face bearing an expression that she didn't trust very much. Suddenly, he stepped towards her. And before she could yell another indignant word, he scooped in his arms and started towards the stairs.

            Hilde could feel the fire in her cheeks. "Heero, let me—"

            "If you ask me to let you go one more time, Hilde, I just might take you seriously." Heero threatened, giving her a look that was a tinge affectionate. Hilde snorted—this was getting too infuriating. "It doesn't matter, does it?" She yelled.

            Heero paused in his steps. He gave her a short glance, one that seemed to be gauging her statement. It suddenly made Hilde want to take back her words, unexplainable though the cause was. Somehow, she felt as if she touched another nerve.

            "It does, you know." Heero finally whispered. "I promised you once that I wouldn't."

            Without waiting for her response, he looked away and continued to climb up. He wouldn't look at her after that, and when they headed to her room, they had proceeded in uncomfortable silence. When they finally reached their destination, Heero let her down, not daring to step into her sanctuary and provoke her needless anger once more. Hilde followed his example, merely nodding at him and walking back to her room without a word.

            She was staring at the apple in her hand when Heero's voice reached her. "Enjoy your meal." His voice was so achingly soft, brushing her with an intensity that she couldn't understand. 

            When she looked up, Heero was gone.

~~~

            "_No_."

            Hilde gasped heavily as she sat up, ramrod straight in bed. Still dazed by the contemptuous hold of her dreams, she took hard, raspy breaths, trying to calm herself down. But even with this, she clutched tightly at the sheets, darting looks back and forth in the dark—as if a hidden oppressor would suddenly just appear and hurt her.

            _—Being carried roughly towards the room. Locking her inside—_

            Hilde shook her head, trying to remove the visions from her mind. "Oh God, please make it all stop…" She pleaded, placing both of her hands to her head. 

            —_"_Bitte! _Please, I beg you, don't leave me in here! Let me out! —"_

            "Don't let him touch me!" She finally screamed out. Her voice mellowed down to an agonizing whisper as she wrapped her arms around herself, unsure of what was happening—uncertain, especially, of what to do. "I didn't do anything wrong… Please, please don't touch me…"

            --_Feeling someone breathing behind her. The hair rising behind her neck. Turning around to see him—_

            "I can't take this anymore!" Hilde yelled, out of control. She raised her trembling hands, warding off an invisible opponent, as if doing so would end it all. She could feel the tears tumbling down her cheeks in a reckless display of unconscious vulnerability. "Make it all stop…"

            Finally, her arms rested around herself, and she rocked on back and forth, biting her lip as she closed her eyes. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized darkly that it would always be like this. That truly, she could never escape, could _never_ change…

            _He still wins over me_, she admitted to herself, weeping shamelessly in the dark. _And I will never be able to…_

            She cut off the thought with a sob, unable to go further. She only had to raise a palm before her to prove herself about what she had been, and what she could never be. The stark paleness, the evidence of cuts, and the semblance of pain within it spoke volumes.

            _I tried to kill myself._

            "Oh God, forgive me." She moaned out, hiding her face in her hands, whimpering to herself in shame and pity. How could she go on like this? How could she even hope in the first place? And there was no one there to hold onto, no one to turn to. She was all alone, and it was all so easy to give up.

            Hilde knew she wouldn't make it.

            The thought produced another violent sob from her.

            And gentle, comforting fingers warmly fluttered over her cheeks, cupping her face… then thumbing away the tears that darkness could only conceal so far. Sighing into the warmth, Hilde opened her lips in soundless relief, breathing softly as his fingers brushed the hair from her face.

            Hilde allowed herself a sigh of contentment as soft lips grazed her forehead tenderly, erasing all of her fears. She could feel his arms wrap around her protectively, comforting her in their security, in the intimate way she knew who exactly he was. 

            For a moment, his lips brushed past hers, inciting so many wonderful emotions within her. And she felt his cheek touching hers, unmoving as he allowed her to share his warmth. The gesture itself did more than just that, and she shivered, moving closer, as if prolonging the contact would eventually remove every ounce of the pain she carried desperately within.

            He was so beautiful, so wonderful…

            Could she ever go on without this? Without him?

            Hilde gasped, moving away. Opening her eyes weakly, she came face to face with Heero, who was looking down at her with such delicate care, his concern evident in his attention. The way he was looking at her, like this, made her want to weep more. This was what she was going to lose, what she would have to give up.

            "Go away," she whispered vehemently. But even she couldn't believe her helpless plea. She tried to look away from him, but his unwavering gaze followed her so intensely that she found herself unable to do so.

            "No." He voiced out steadily, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "Not when you're like this."

            Hilde tried to push against him, feeling the shameful tears well in her eyes once more. "No, you have to leave." Unsure of what she was rambling out, the reasons that were in her heart revealed themselves in a rushing revelation she would never have done in any normal circumstance. "I'm going to trust you, I'm going to hope, and I'll never want to make you leave. And you're going to, and you're going to make me cry, and I won't be able to make it…"

            Heero shook his head at her, placing a hand on her cheek. "Hilde…"

            "No, no…" she refused blindly, shutting her eyes, "Please—" But Heero had already pulled her closer, laying her head on his shoulder. She felt so helpless that she could only choke out in a numb mantra, "You hate me. You're going to hate me. You all hate me…"

            "I'd rather die," He whispered back, seemingly more to himself than to her, "Than hate you."

            Hilde fell quiet after that. Her lashes brushed his skin as she opened her eyes, staring silently into the dark. The strength of his words paralysed her, deeming her unable to speak. And yet, even with this, she felt another betraying tear fall onto his shoulder.

            Heero touched her this time, moving her before him. There was an affecting light in his eyes as he placed both of his hands on the sides of her face, forcing her to give him all of her attention. "Listen Hilde," he spoke softly to her. And in a clearer, more fervent voice, he went on,

            "I am here."

            Hilde's eyes widened at that. 

            Three simple words addressed to her, simple words… She nodded slowly, biting her lip. Yes, but it was enough. As if all redemption was in those words; she needed no more. More tears made their way into her cheeks, and she placed her hands on his, hesitantly, but still, —_it was enough._

            Heero pulled her nearer, "Nothing will happen to you. I won't allow it" She shook her head, and he ran a hand through her hair, ending at her neck. "Don't cry, _Koishi_."

            It felt so wonderful to have him holding her there that Hilde leaned into him immediately. Nodding, he gently, he set her down against the bed, laying her so that his face was directly above hers. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she had to say. 

            It was Hilde who reached out to touch Heero's face, this time. "You can leave tomorrow. Yes, you can." She tried to ignore the fractional narrowing of his eyes, or the brief flash of hurt she saw in their Prussian depths. It was only the truth. "But, I…"

            His hand tightened at the back of her neck. Hilde nodded, trying to prevent another surge of emotions. "Stay." She bit out softly. "Please stay, tonight. That is all that I ask."

            Her request left her so breathless; it hurt to look at him, to see how he would react. Hilde didn't know what to expect, or her reasons for wanting things to be this way. She could only say how she felt. And with the silence of Heero's ponderings, she closed her eyes, ready to accept, and even to feel hurt, at his answer.

            "You didn't have to ask," he answered shortly, even darkly, his voice rough with emotion.

            For a brief moment, she wondered if her question had upset him. If his answer had been real. And for a short, disturbingly powerful instant, she wished that she had asked him to stay forever, instead.

            But it was enough.

            And feeling him lie in bed with her, moulding his shape to hers and holding her near with such gentleness, sharing his heat, feeling his lips brush her the back of her neck, and knowing the synchrony of their breathing—feeling his entire being with her that night was enough.

            As if there was hope, as if she had a chance. As if she didn't try to kill herself. As if all was right in the world.

            As if, she went on finally as she closed her eyes without the fear of dreams, she was actually loved by him.

~~~

            Hilde looked down at the table, sighting her wringing hands. Taking a deep breath, she gathered herself into asking the question. The one whose answer could affirm or contradict, and maybe even conclude, the frustrating flight of emotions within her.

            Callista bustled around the kitchen as she muttered scolding words that expressed how worried she was about Hilde's careless behaviour ("Running along the stairs in your condition, _indeed_!"), oblivious to her internal turmoil. Hilde shook her head and closed her eyes.

            And was immediately greeted by the familiar vision of her empty room this morning.

            It was all too much

            "So, he has left, then?"

            Just one word…

            "You mean that boy, Heero?" Callista began, and Hilde's heart started pounding madly. "Why yes, of course."

            Coldness seized her with shocking stealth from within, leaving her suddenly numb. Hilde suddenly found herself unable to breathe.

            "I—I mean…" Her throat suddenly felt dry, "When?" _Is it true? Was I actually right? Did he lie?_

            Callista looked thoughtful, "Some twenty-minutes ago, perhaps. I'm not sure. But you just might have caught him."

            Hilde couldn't react, couldn't thoroughly accept Callista's words. Those innocent statements, though stated without malice, felt like mockery to her. "D-did he bring anything?" she asked breathlessly.

            The old woman went on with her cooking. "No, not that I know of. Just enough money."

            _Couldn't wait to get you off his back, could he?_ Hilde stomped down the bitter words at the back of her mind. "Did he say anything… about me, that is?"

            Callista shrugged. "I don't think so. Left without a word. It seems as if that's just the way he is—eager to get it all over and done with." She smiled at Hilde, "People… oh _child_, I told you to rest! See, you're looking pale already! Don't worry, I'll have breakfast done in a few minutes…"

            But Hilde couldn't hear her anymore. She stared helplessly in the distance, her mouth half-opened in disbelief. She couldn't believe this was happening, and could only feel the pain rising with tremendous certainty within her …

            _You were right, weren't you?_

            And for the first time ever since she had woken up, the bitterness disappeared, replaced by an even more weakening emotion: sadness, to such an extreme that it might have even defeated despair. 

            He had left, just as she had expected. Heero had gone without a word.

            Hilde had never felt so horrible for being right in her life.

            Did he truly hate her, as she had thought? Had he been _that_ ashamed of what she had done? Hilde shook her head, not wanting to consider the answers to those questions. She didn't know what to believe anymore.

            Maybe because it truly hurt. Maybe, because in spite of her deliberate actions, a part of her had believed—or maybe had _wanted_, desperately, to believe—in Heero's words. In his gentle, and sometimes roughly solemn assurances. That he actually understood, and that he wouldn't abandon her. That he actually cared…

            She gave a bitter laugh; well, it was too late for that now, wasn't it? It was better this way, her having known from the start, and being prepared, instead of being backstabbed and ending up suffering more in the end. She had known; she hadn't lost.

            But still, she couldn't pretend that the burning behind her eyes was not the beginnings of tears.

            She had not only needed, and wanted him. She had—

            _Damn it, Schbeiker, he shouldn't matter anymore!_

            But she had wanted him to _stay_; to stay, so badly—to just be there. He was like the air to her; he was just so much, so much to her…

            _I am here._

            Hilde released a shuddering breath, gripping her hands together so tightly to prevent the tears from coming to her eyes…

            Suddenly, the front door slammed shut elsewhere. Hilde jumped, startled. "What?"

            Callista sighed. "That must be Heero. Thank goodness he's come back. I wouldn't be able to finish breakfast without butter. Such a good thing I sent the lad off earlier. How anyone could go on without a decent stock of butter in their fridge is beyond me…"

            Hilde froze. "What? I thought—I thought Heero left…" she stammered.

            Callista laughed. "Of course he did, we can't very well find butter anywhere else except from the store, could we?"

            Hilde's hands formed into fists. _What?_ The nerve, making her worry like that…

            The immense relief that had risen up within her surprised her, so much so that she had to raise her hand to her heated cheek in surprise. However, her light emotions were immediately replaced by something else…

            Anger.

            Hilde scowled. She had been so weak, so vulnerable. And Heero, he had managed to turn her world upside down again. And he had no right, entering her room last night, taking advantage of her disoriented state—

            And maybe, just maybe, had she been in the right state of mind, she would have realized that she was proceeding on to the emotions she would have felt otherwise in order to forget the pain of several moments ago. Or to gain a semblance of control.

            But she hadn't been. So it was with a heated look that she faced Heero Yuy as he entered the kitchen. Heero had been surprised to see her, but whatever it was he had planned to confront her with was forgotten, since the soft look in his eyes had gone, replaced by an amused one, when he spotted the expression on Hilde's face.

            He didn't remove his gaze from her as he handed a paper bag to Callista. "Here." He muttered. "Do you need anything else?"

            Callista expressed her thanks and answered in negation. Heero nodded curtly and proceeded to sit in the chair to Hilde's right. She narrowed her eyes at him.

            "Why haven't you left yet?" Hilde hissed at him, conveniently forgetting the fact that the question sounded incredibly stupid, all things considered. For once, she was waging a losing battle, crippled by the possibility of his departure, weakened by her anticipation of it, and fatally wounded by her emotions concerning him—and she knew it.

            Heero's eyes remained unreadable. His jaw clenched at her words, however. "If you should ask," he began coldly, "then you already know the answer."

            "Don't give me that." Hilde threw angrily. If only he _knew_ all the 'answers' she had already fitted in her head. "Just say what you need to say, and do it."

            Heero gave her another look that reminded her of what he used to be, of what he _could_ do… and to that extent, of what power he could wield. On her. "What do you want me to say then, Hilde? What?" His voice was bitter, cynical.

            That she never needed to worry, because it was all right. That despite the fact that she had acted like a rated bitch, he didn't care. That even though she had tried to kill herself, he understood. And that no one in the world could take that away. That he cared, and that he would never leave, no matter what. That he would always be there, simply because it no longer mattered to him who she was, or what she had been through, because he'd want her just the same. That he, even to the smallest, most inconsequential degree, loved her.

            _Loved her._

            Goodness, she wanted him to love her.

            Hilde closed her eyes, trying to ward off the tears brought by the wretched, damnable truth within her. She could fight it but it was the truth. What she felt for him…

            Oh, goodness, she didn't deserve to live, not after this… Not after what she had done, what she was doing and what she was feeling.

            "I don't need anyone." She slowly swore, in words that were colder than she had expected. She was sealing her fate with every damned word.

            And it was slowly killing her.

            What the hell.

            Heero's voice shot through the dark haze in her mind, sharp, knowing, and a tad amused. "That certainly doesn't seem true, considering what was said last night, does it?"

            Damn it.

            Hilde opened her eyes. "Why you conniving, insensitive, bloody—"

            Heero didn't waste a second breath, his own blue eyes glinting dangerously as he accosted her. "What?"

            "—_bastard!_"

            "So the true feelings are now revealed." He threw back scathingly. "What else is new, Hilde? How I am such a moron of a partner? Go on."

            Hilde didn't flinch under his attacks. "Don't make nothing out of this, Heero. Not out of what I feel, or what you are." She grated. "And definitely not of what happened last night."

            "What _did_ happen?" Heero asked, lazily, as if the matter was of no consequence to him. Damn _hund_, Hilde shook her head at him. He was so good at making her feel inferior, so cruel when he wanted to.

            "You took advantage of—" And that was when Hilde realized what Heero had just said.

            What _did_ happen?

            Forgetting all protections, all masks, she found herself staring wonderingly at Heero, with his darkened eyes and indifferent face. Those words had come from him. Then that meant, that meant…

            "So, it all meant nothing to you, did it?" Hilde finally whispered in a voice that was unexpectedly weak.

            Heero started, apparently taken by surprise. But before he could speak, before Hilde could even see another glimpse of the shocked expression on his face, she turned away.

            "Breakfast!" Callista suddenly announced with suspicious cheer.

            Hilde stood up. No more. With a wavering smile, a quivering voice and a vision that was much too blurry, she spoke, gripping her seat mercilessly. "_Danke._ I'm not hungry."

            She didn't even wait for a response; she left the room. And retreated from Heero Yuy's eyes.

            Because then and there, she knew, with only little uncertainty, that it was over.

            She could no longer face the sun.

            Another dream destroyed.

~~~

            The house was deserted. Heero had gone on The Unknown Trip of the Day once more, if she was correct, and she had sent Callista off on her own, knowing that the woman had her own life to live. In truth, though, it was obviously a cowardly bid to escape Callista's knowingly interrogating gaze. Heero's departure hadn't gone unnoticed. Nor was their lack of communication, or the hostility present in what little the two of them had talked about before. She didn't know if it was out of wisdom, discretion, or exasperation—but the woman never spoke. For that, she was glad.

            Everything was dark, too. She hadn't bothered turning on the lights.

            It was nice, the dark. It had always given her a lot to fear. But, in some ways, the only way to overcome the darkness was to join it. To bask in its hidden glory. Somehow, being clothed in it comforted her. In the darkness, no one could see her, could hurt her. She was the one who reigned. She was the one who could see, who had the advantage over those in the light.

            Hilde took a puff from the cigarette, delighting in the keen sensation it brought to her. Bloody hell, Instructor would have a fit if he saw her right now. The man was too paranoid for his own good. Blowing, Hilde grinned to herself. _Chain smoker, social smoker, Sir—there's a difference. And it's not just the spelling._

            She smirked. What shame would he feel, seeing her like this now?

            Hilde was seated on a rug, sprawled carelessly in the garden floor, watching the full moon as it ascended to its height in the darkness. Contemplating the meaning of life seemed like a spruced up alibi. But then again, what life had she to contemplate on?

            In five days, Black Star had managed to destroy what took her five years to create. Huh. Bloody vermin, that was always what they were good at. Damage was their specialty.

            Of course, she was just as damned as every single one of them. She _had_ been, if not still was, one of them. The same tendency towards ruination was also her own. She couldn't remove the blame for that.

            "So what now? I have been proven wrong. Do what you want with me! Punish me!" She hissed to the sky, waiting for a Divine lightning bolt to kill her on the spot. "I was disillusioned. I was a fool. I tried to kill myself. What more proof do You want to show You how unworthy, how much of _filth_ I am?"

            The silence greeted her. 

            Hilde gave a harsh laugh. Some plan. Some reason. She took a drag from the cigarette once more and slowly exhaled. What the bloody hell was left for her now?

            "What are you doing here?"

            Hilde froze, then slowly looked up. Divine Justice. Or Irony. Or Corny Sense of Humour, if she ever saw one. She sighed and slowly turned her gaze to Heero, who was standing a few meters away from her. In the shadows, too. "Oh. You."

            His eyes fell on her hand. "You don't smoke." 

            Hilde merely shrugged. "You don't know me, then."

            Heero took a few strides towards her. At Hilde's dubious gaze, he lowered his palm to hers. "May I?" 

            Hilde gave him a speculative look, but after a few seconds, she relented. "Why not?" And handed him the cigarette. He took it without complaint and inhaled, using it without hitch, as if he had been smoking for years. For a moment, Hilde just stared at him, transfixed. Enemies, friends, almost-lovers or not, there was an entrancing look to Heero Yuy, exhaling smoke under the moonlight, that made you see his real beauty.

            Hilde shook her head after several seconds. "_Schönheit_."

            Heero dropped his gaze to her.

            "Impressed," Hilde went on, not wanting to explain what was said. "Instructor would have gotten rid of the cigarette, for all the evil things it was, and given me a good tongue lashing."

            Heero raised his brow. "He spanked you?"

            Hilde sighed dramatically. "Alas, I was ten, then." She smirked. "Can I have it back?"

            Heero shrugged and without a word flicked the cigarette away, a bit hatefully, for all the evil things it was. Hilde had a feeling he had wanted to do that ever since he saw the damn thing in the first place. "Touché."

             "I don't want you smoking."

            For several seconds, there was mere awkward silence between them. One that, Hilde was sure they both knew, was terribly insufficient to bridge the growing gap between the two of them. She sighed and returned her gaze to the moon.

            She could never stand silent matches. Damn him, anyway. "So."

            Heero didn't move his eyes from the sky. "So."

            "Can I say it more clearly? What are you still doing here?"

            Heero gave her a short look. "Out here, or with you?"

            She knew what he meant of course. She shrugged indifferently. "Depends on your perspective."

            "You're here, I'm here." He paused, almost unsurely. "Does that matter to you?"

            "Does it matter to _you_?"

            It was Heero who shrugged this time; "It doesn't matter what I think."

            Hilde didn't know what to say to that. She sighed and lifted her knees, placing her chin on her hands.

            "Incidentally, as you may be pleased to know, I am leaving."

            "Oh." No surprise there. _Let me grieve—but I'll bitch and moan about it later. If I'm lucky, I just might meet that lightning bolt and die_. "Where are you going?"

            "Earth. Somewhere in Southeast Asia, where it won't be easy to be found." He admitted, nonchalantly of course, as if they were just discussing the weather and not their separation.

            Hilde looked away. "I see. When?"

            "Two days from now. Plane leaves on Tuesday, six pm."

            "Okay." It was like a blasted briefing. Hilde swore underneath her breath, but then just shook her head resignedly. "Happy trip."

            Hilde didn't know if it was really there, but she could almost swear there was a hard note in his voice when he responded. "Good."

            She was taken by surprise by that response. But then, who more to expect something like that from but Heero? She swallowed, knowing what she was feeling now and trying so hard to push it down. She could only go so far. "_Ja_." 

            Heero didn't move. And neither did she.

            Any wrong move, after all, could be fatal.

            After several seconds, Hilde sighed, unable to take more of this hurtful silence, one that anticipated more pain and no redemption. But the low sound she gave quivered with a touch of obvious vulnerability. Stupid emotions. How she'd been reduced to a whimpering little… _girl_ was beyond her. But she knew that one glance, just one fleeting glance, at Heero would remind her.

            It isn't every day that you meet a man so easy to love and so hard to let go of.

            It isn't every day that your heart breaks.

            And so she slowly stood up, then with a vague sense of reality, walked. Walked with long, unhurried steps towards his side, as if wanting to remember this moment for all times, no matter how hurtful, how bitter it was. She would have to pass him in order to get into the house, but it was only when Hilde came to his side that she lifted her eyes to his.

            And the sight, as always, took her breath away. The stormy depths his eyes held, knowing so much, seeing all that had been and could be, hiding and revealing the heights and pits of feelings—all of these could be seen in Heero Yuy's eyes, a sight one could only be so lucky to see. The reality of all that he was, of the wholeness of his spirit, was a majestic vision. He was, and always will be, beautiful. 

            She closed her eyes for the barest of seconds. _So, this is goodbye._

            And when she opened them, she saw more than just his eyes, but also how he was looking at her. With anger, regret, despair, and a number of unnameable emotions that she could not comprehend. "No." He whispered hoarsely.

            She must have spoken her farewell out loud. Hilde shook her head at her stupidity then stepped back. But Heero grabbed her elbow in a firm grip. "Don't even think about it." He growled. "You won't get away."

            Hilde winced as he drew her nearer roughly, feeling a sense of panic within her. "Heero—"

            But Heero merely placed another hard grip on her shoulder. "No." The word was spoken with such strength that it made her stop. He used his other hand to lift her face to his. "Look at me."

            Hilde flinched at his dark eyes, now seemingly possessed by a savage emotion. But Heero indicated no notice. He merely grated on, "I'm leaving, Hilde."

            Hilde felt her lower lip tremble; found herself unable to move. "Yes."

            "And you're not doing a damn thing." 

            She froze at that. And in the same traitorous moment, she took a deep, shuddering breath, one that was the prelude to the sudden unstoppable tumble of tears on her face. She immediately tried to wipe them away with her wrist, "What do you want me to do?" she whispered then, her voice weak.

            "Don't." Heero held her hand. "Don't wipe your tears. Don't pretend to be strong before me." His face expressed a solemn visage that even she was startled to see. His eyes were tender and bitter at the same time. "Don't ask me why I haven't left yet. Don't act as if I don't care. Don't turn away—don't hide." And in a last, choked breath. "Don't make me leave."

            Hilde gasped.

            Then slowly, ever so slowly, she backed away from him, shaking her head. "No. Stop it, Heero." She choked, and her eyes glistened traitorously. "Don't try to change things. It's not enough. And I can't bear any more of that."

            Heero's jaw clenched. "What are you talking about?"

            "Oh come on, Heero. You know how things really are." Hilde let out, her voice desperate and weak. Then she lowered her eyes, relenting. Now, softly, "You know what I am."

            Heero flinched at that, then looked away. "It doesn't—"

            "Matter?" Hilde dared at him; "You really don't care?" Her voice shook disbelievingly.

            Heero couldn't reply. His hold on her hand tightened. Hilde swallowed. 

            Slowly, she withdrew one hand from Heero's hold, ignoring the shadowy look on his face as she did so. She took a deep breath, hoping for strength, and slowly lifted her hand before them. "Look at this, Heero. What do you see?"

            Heero's eyes widened. The moonlight fell on her hand, highlighting the paleness of her skin. It accentuated the lack of life in the prominence of her veins. But more startling was how bright the red of the countless cuts came out in the nocturnal light. Her wounds were brought out in their disturbing intensity, and the gash across her palm was ultimately unbearable. A hand that could have been mistaken for that of a corpse—this gruesome image was the first sight she had seen when she had woken up alone.

            Heero narrowed his eyes, scowling. "I don't need this."

            Hilde shook her head at him. "Oh yes you do, and you can't deny it!" Her own eyes fell to her hand, and she cried out. "You can't even say it. But you can see. And we both know that you see the hand of someone who tried to kill herself."

            He heard how her voice broke at the last statement. "Hilde…"

            "You see the hand of someone who grew up, hating life." Hilde went on. "You see the hand of a person who tried to escape all that she was, all that she had ever been through, and pretended that it didn't exist. You see the hand of someone that ran way from herself and forced you in her problems. Someone who tried to tell you how to fix your life but couldn't even fix hers. A hypocrite. You see the hand of someone who had hurt your feelings and had let you down. The hand of someone who had deceived you. Most of all, you see the hand of a person who doesn't believe that she is worth anything." 

            Hilde's voice faltered, and her eyes narrowed as she stared at her hand, allowing a few tears to escape. "And _that_ is filth, that is shameful. And you don't deserve that, Heero. You don't."

            Heero grabbed her hand, desperate. "No…" His voice was hoarse.

            Hilde pulled away from him and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn't bear to look at him any longer. "You have to understand, Heero. I…" she took a deep breath. "I would want you to stay, more than anything in the world, and I could ask you to do that. I would hold on to you. Then I'd never let you go." Her voice hitched, and now, the tears freely fell. "But I have learned, Heero. I can't afford to be disillusioned. It is never enough." Hilde shook her head, now opening her eyes to stare blankly at the sky. "To feel is not enough. To want is not enough. To dream, it's n-not enough."

            Heero finally spoke, his voice uncertain, as if panicked. "You can't say that."

            Hilde bit her lip, trying to prevent a sob. The coldness within her had risen so high, laying claim on everything. "No. Because even then, even if I would hope, this would linger." She absently brushed a hand on the wound in her waist. "I tried to kill myself, Heero." She spoke, still as if she couldn't accept that fact. "And even if I try to believe that it would be alright, it wouldn't. I'd just be prolonging the inevitable. I'm sure you'd still be leaving in the end, eager to have me off your back. Because what I did does bother you, and you do care about what happened. I can feel it." She knew she had to go on with her next words. "And in the end, we'll only end up resenting each other for it. And I don't ever want you to hate me."

            "I will never hate you." Heero swore to her, his eyes suspiciously bright in the moonlight. Hilde looked away. 

            "I am not enough." Hilde whispered. She gave a small laugh, "You don't want me, Heero Yuy, and you know it." 

            Heero grabbed her arms once more in a tight grip. "You don't know how I feel."

            "I guess I never would, because you never trusted me with how you felt, did you?" Hilde answered, her voice bitter. "And with good reason."

            Heero fell silent, and his arms slackened around hers. Hilde stepped back.

            "You said earlier that you were leaving, and I wasn't doing a single thing. Well you're wrong, Heero. I'll be crying, I'll fall apart, I'll be taking and giving blame. But I'd rather not do it in front of you. I can only go so far." She took a deep breath. "So please, don't make me hope, don't try to pretend, don't try to fool me—that you care, that you want to stay. Because I won't be able to bear it. It hurts too much."

            This was it. She had said the worst of her fears—all of which were true. And Heero did not deny any of them. In truth… just one genuine word was enough. Just one word. But she now realized that even if she waited for him to say anything, he would never speak. 

             And she knew, despite how painful it was, that it was time. 

            She couldn't even look at him.

            "I-I won't cry before you. I don't want you to see me like that." She wiped her tears, opposing his earlier wishes. "I'm sorry if I confused you with how I behaved. I just didn't want to get hurt anymore. I'm so tired of that… And now that I've explained, I'll just… I'll—pretend to be strong. I won't expect anything anymore—I know you won't care. And… and I'll tell you now. P-please… leave."

            Heero's hands slowly fell from her shoulders.

            Hilde closed her eyes. _I'm sorry._

            "Goodbye."

            She couldn't take it after that. She stepped back, choking, still unable to face Heero. And with one jolted movement, she ran, no longer bothering to wipe away the tears that mourned the loss of something infinitely irreplaceable.

~~~

_You became my power, my pleasure, my pain._

~~~

She asked herself, for the hundredth time, what she was doing here.

            Hilde sighed as she heavily swung her foot down from the last step of the stairs, gripping the banister mercilessly as she stared at the darkened hallway. It was just an apple. She had locked herself up in her room the whole day, not even the least hungry. She still wasn't. 

            An apple couldn't be that bad.

            She wondered about the sudden craving. The thought was a willing distraction. Dark musings already suffocated her through the whole day, and she had helplessly wallowed in them. She was still so unsure, still so upset… 

            So afraid.

            Hilde sighed, tearing her thoughts from Heero and willing herself to focus on the damn apple.

            _Yeah, suffer in style, eat fruit._ She rolled her eyes—bloody humour.

            And so, she crept towards the kitchen, knowing fully well that she had to hurry. Of course it was already near midnight, but still, she couldn't be too sure. She couldn't bear having another confrontation with Heero. She espied the fruit basket on the counter near the kitchen door, and without hesitation, snatched a fruit.

            _Ah, the bloody apple._

            She heard a chair scraping across the floor.

            And she looked up.

            And found Heero Yuy, roused from sleep on the table, watching her with piercing eyes.

            The apple fell from her fingers.__

            And all sensibilities, all dark humour, all hold on control suddenly abandoned her, leaving her gasping for breath. Hilde took an unstable step backwards.

            In blinding irony, she realized that the scene was reminiscent of another moment, when their roles had been reversed. It had been she who had been on that table, waiting for his return up to the tiring hours of twilight morning. Heero had been the one standing in the hallway then, surprised but unaffected by her presence.

            She didn't need any signal; she dashed off in the hallway.

            Heero followed her.

            "Damn it, Heero. Leave me alone!" Hilde let out in despair as she emerged in the foyer. She risked a glance and saw his clenched jaw, his determined eyes.

            "Not this time, Hilde. We are going to talk." Heero answered curtly.

            Hilde shook her head, incredulous. "What for?" She bit her lip, willing herself to stop feeling the urge to cry. "Haven't you said enough?"

            She was climbing the stairs when he answered. "No, I haven't said enough! I didn't even speak—" he yelled, visibly upset. "And stop running from me, damn it!"

            "No." Hilde shook her head. "It's too late. What more can you do to change things? Enough is enough. Aren't you tired of being hurt? It's been settled, Heero." She paused at the landing, gathering the strength to speak the next words. "It's over."

            "Liar," Heero growled angrily, gaining on her, "You know as well as I do that it will _never_ be over between the two of us. Not as long as I live."

            Hilde stepped away, distancing herself. She shook her head. "What difference does it make? It doesn't matter anymore."

            Heero's stride became faster, more lethal, and his eyes expressed unhidden fury at her words. Hilde flinched as he whispered, "Don't tell me it doesn't matter."

            "It shouldn't!" Hilde answered just as savagely. "Because once you step out that door, everything will mean nothing. You will forget me and I would have to forget you!" She choked. "You will be free of me, of all that I ever did, and of all the problems I caused. So just stop this and let go!"

            "Can you?" Heero dared, his eyes narrowing in a combination of weakness, bitterness and mockery. "Can you stop it and let go?"

            Hilde sucked in a sharp breath. "That's unfair—"

            Heero didn't give any warning, suddenly grabbing her arm and pulling her to him to prevent further escape. Hilde screamed. "Don't touch me!"

            Couldn't he understand that she couldn't bear his nearness? That she had locked herself up in her room all day to prevent any more painful confrontations with him? Hilde struggled angrily against his firm arms, whimpering. "You can't do this." She let out piteously. 

            "Stop struggling!" He commanded, but Hilde sobbed, attempting a last, desperate attempt to escape as she kicked at him. "Let go of me!" 

            Heero cursed. She needed to get away from him. And although Hilde was injured, she managed to manoeuvre a kick that sent them off balance. In a rough tumble, they both fell to the floor. But even as they both hit the ground, Heero remained resilient, keeping a strong hold on her shoulder. Hilde shrieked angrily attempting to push him off, but he roughly pinned both of her hands with his, one above her head and one to the side of her face.

            "Will you just listen to what I have to say? You at least owe me that!"

            "No! Let me go! Can't you understand that I have to get away from you? Leave me alone!" She persisted frantically, screaming at the top of her lungs. She tried to kick him away, but he slammed her legs to the floor with his, straddling her. She winced, but was ignored. It was with dangerously furious blue eyes that he looked at her and growled.

            "Over my damn dead body."

            Hilde could have tried to protest more, but his murderous glare dared her to defy him. In an instant, she weakened, shivering.

            And then and there, Hilde lost.

            She shivered, then kept her eyes resolutely from him, her head to her side. She never had a chance, with her heart and with her mind, against Heero. Pinned underneath him, she felt the fight seep away from her, leaving her raw, unprotected and defeated. Goodness, she never had a chance. She had fallen.

            And so, she laid there, suddenly numb, caught in such overpowering neutrality, one that continued to prevent her from facing Heero eye to eye, and one that made her aware of only one thing: her pain.

            She released a shuddering breath. "I am so tired…" Her words hitched with her breath. "So tired of my bloody worthless life."

            Traitorous tears silently slipped from her eyes. "Of crying, of always being the one who lost, of always being weak, and wrong, and hurt, of being the unlucky, undeserving one. Of being hated, _hated_, always hated…"

            She trembled. "I wanted to die. I really wanted to die. Many times I had wished I'd never been born. _Herrje_… why me?" Hilde closed her eyes against the growing fall of tears. "Why you?"

            She didn't notice how Heero's hands tightened on hers.

            "I wanted you to stay." she began again, darkly, hopelessly. "Could you believe that? I wanted you to forgive me for what I did. To tell me that it would all be alright. I wanted you to be there when I woke up." Her voice shook and she bit her lip. "I wanted that so badly. It was so stupid… Of course it was. _I_ was." She released another needy breath.

            And when she spoke, her voice was weak, softer than it had ever been, almost inaudible. "But most of all… Most of all, Heero Yuy, I wanted you to love me. And that was the biggest mistake of all. Goodness, can you believe my nerve? Even with all that I am, all that I did—I wanted you to love me." She laughed bitterly. "And look where it got me. Down here again, fallen. Ever just as cursed. And I am so, so damned tired."

            More tears fell. She opened her eyes; she still kept them away from him.

            "Why can't you just leave?" She whispered heavily, more to herself than to him. "Why can't you just leave?" Her voice was accusing, as if blaming him for her pain.

            She felt the touch of his words on her skin when he whispered with much difficulty. "I can't."

            Hilde was repulsed. She faced him with renewed fury, trying once more to struggle, this time at him. "Damn you, Heero. I don't want your pity. Just leave me alone!" 

            They always said that people who loved each other would have gone through the must unreachable depths of pain—darkness, despair, evil and wrong even. And as such, may have reached the long sought zeniths of unadulterated happiness together, of redemption and rebirth of purity, selflessness and good. Two souls just came face to face with both.

            Heero's voice was hoarse, tinged with tangents of fear, and pain. She could feel his heart pounding hurtfully as he spoke. "You, you have more of me, so much more than just my pity. Or my… my anger. Or my shame."

            Such was his voice, one that was so unfamiliar that it might have been mistaken as someone else's, that even Hilde was caught. His words disarmed her anger, leaving her quiet, anticipating, and just as frightened. "I…"

            "You don't have to believe, or say the same thing. All I want, on my life, is for you to listen." Heero went on, his voice still strained and raw. "Because I need you to, you deserve to hear."

            His words came nervous, uncontrolled, as he matched her gaze with his. "Y-you came to me on a rainy day. I wanted to kill myself, then. Then you had to get rid of that damned stone. I wanted to hate you."

            Hilde tried to look away, but Heero held her face, guiding her back to meet his urging, strangely desperate eyes. "Then you made me follow you, into this ancient, frilled house. I wanted to leave then. You touched my wound and told me to trust you. Irritating snoop. I wanted you to get lost."

            And for once, Hilde recognized the mystifying glittering in Heero's eyes; an image that she realized was similar to her own. "You called me stupid. I thought _you_ were stupid. Then you made me stay. You made me stay." He repeated his words, as if not believing them, himself.

            "And you made me wonder about you. I found out about you, and I was upset. Then I wanted to help you. How much more stupid could I get? You were ashamed at first, and I had to comfort you. To put up with your gloating, with your annoying questions, with your infuriating temper, but most of all, with your singing in the bathroom!" Heero raged on shakily, and Hilde could feel the tremor his voice in his fingers. She felt an unbearable weight pressing in on her, waiting to be lifted.

            "You made me read. You called me all stupid things. You bought me clothing. Then had the audacity to get mad at me because I didn't want to dance. And dance, we did. And I could remember feeling so light, so comforted, even enjoyable that night." Heero kept staring down at her, his lips starting to tremble. "Then we fought, and I hurt you. And you… you damned kept coming back into my life. You still made me stay. You even forgave me. You lost your beret, I got it back, hell, I got sick. And when I woke up—when I woke up, you were there, by my side, trying to hide the fact that you were crying. You were there."

            Hilde choked, not nodding, but feeling the strong tears rise once more. "And you made me cook—bake, whatever torture that was…" A pause, a faint smirk, then a wondrous expression. "Then you said… that I was deserving. Deserving!" He tasted the word on his lips. "And that you cared… Then you took me to your stars. Your unfairly beautiful stars…"  Silence. "And I kissed you—and I believed." _I believed_.

            Hilde started crying, vaguely aware of the moistness in Heero's eyes as he shakily thumbed her tears away. "Then you left. And that damned broke me. You never know how. And I found out how much you were suffering. How much you never valued yourself. And that hurt more, because you never even knew what you were making me believe. You didn't even know what you were changing me into."

            Hilde shook her head slowly, sadly, and Heero nodded, much in the same, solemn matter. "And then you, you almost died. You even tried to kill yourself. Do you know how that made me feel?"

            Hilde tried to stop him. "No, I don't want to hear this…" she protested weakly. Heero silenced her without words, for the despair in his eyes was something she recognized.

            "It almost killed me."

            Hilde released a shaky, watery breath.

            A tear splattered to her chin.

            She lifted her eyes to him.

            "I wanted to die, then. Because I couldn't hate you. Because I could never bring myself to hurt you. Because you could make me do anything you wanted me to. Because you could hurt me so easily, without even doing anything to me. Because I couldn't make myself leave you. And in spite of those, I didn't save you fast enough, didn't understand you well enough, didn't listen to you long enough." Heero whispered, his voice raspy. He paused to take a deep, comforting breath; his eyes never left hers.

            "You kept asking me if I wanted to leave. Then why? Why didn't I?" Heero breathed shakily. "I wanted to leave. I wanted to because I wasn't good enough for you. I didn't because you were all that I wanted to hate, and I couldn't. Because even then, I cared. Because even then, I was scared and furious, and I couldn't ignore that, but I also couldn't live without you there—screaming at me, making me mad… making me go shopping with you. Making me laugh, even."

            His lids lowered. "And I can't—I won't leave you alone. I'm so tired of being hurt, too. I've been truly lower than you've been. I've been angry, but I understand. And I care, and nothing, nothing in the world will ever take that away." He breathed. "If you can't believe in anything else, believe in that."

            Hilde's sobs grew. And yet, the anger was gone from her eyes, so was the despair, the pain, the darkness. Heero's hands held her face as he swore. "You can't make me leave. I'm not leaving, not without you."

            And Hilde burst into more tears, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his face to her neck, allowing him to hide the tears she didn't yet deserve the whole right to witness, crying her own tears in the process. And he fell into her, wordless, clutching her tight, as she, he, as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world.

            And there had been no repetitive affirmations. No apologies. No proclamations of love. No promises of forever. There wasn't even an assurance of ever hearing the same things again. 

            But this time, truly, for them, it was enough.

~~~

And now that your rose is in bloom 

_A light hits the gloom on the grey._

~~~

End – In the Arms of Destruction

Notes: Yes, people, it is the last chapter—to book One. Explanations and acknowledgements can be found on my website at http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam.html

Or at the direct link – http://storybox.virtualave.net/gundam/myfics/gwinauthor3.htm

It's been great, writing. Hope you'll continue with the touching support!


	18. Appendix

**Appendix – Author's Notes**

A Compilation of All Author's Notes

From

In the Arms of Destruction

***

That's just the fancy title It's just a list of explanations, alibis and excuses I put up for my readers annually.

Heck, yeah, I'm smiling right now. Read up

***

**Contents**

A. The Inevitable Author's Note Version One (11/5/2000) [_A Must-Read Before Venturing Further_]

B. The Inevitable Author's Note – The Sequel (04/17/2001) [_To Clear Some Things Up_]

C. The Inevitable Author's Note – Finale (04/25/2002) [_The End?_]

***

**The Inevitable Author's Note Version One**

- A Must Read Before Venturing Further -

Okay guys, I know it's been a while. I thank you for taking some precious time reading this, (if you are) now. Anyway, I just have to clarify a few things, as well as announce and denounce some, before some of you start flaming me. (-.-;) Erm, heh, heh.

Chapters

Again, I'm sorry if I take time to update. I tell you, I've finished many chapters already, but I'm not yet content, and sometimes reworks are very drastic. I can't afford posting drafts either because final versions are hardly read -- and believe me, changes _can_ be that drastic. As of now, I've paused in my works upon watching Endless Waltz, and, boy, there goes my story. The Gundams _do_ get destroyed in the end, and they have taken my numerous ideas with them. It basically ruins my plot -- you get the idea. But nevertheless, I'm finding ways to work it out, pray for me that I could finish. It's rather hard.

The Term 'OOC'

Okay, so some of you may think that Hilde's a _bit_ too serious and remorseful, while Heero goes overboard with his anger and sometimes sudden vulnerability. Or maybe Noin's finely worded teasing session with Sally (I do admit I wrote it in a jiffy) was surprising... So, explanations.

Well, I guess this fic strictly follows the TV's outline. Where in there is _no_ definite characterization of Hilde and her past, given the few times she appeared, significant as they may be. We all know that she is sacrificial (you bet we do) and that she _seems_ in love with Duo (I don't know, it seems entirely platonic at first, and I think she's not that kind of get-go girl who easily allows herself to be, um, flat on her back). The basic word that defines her is 'Spunk,' more so proven by her appearance. She seems tomboyish, she's a hacker, she's a soldier, she can pilot mobile suits with style. She must be pretty cool since Duo decides to stay with her

Well, I guess that much can be said. And from these observations came the fics where she is just _so_ in love with Duo... sometimes she can be stubborn and dominating but she really loves our braided hero (erm, Heero? Hey, it was a joke!). And I really enjoyed these stories where she's just our adorable pixie. Heck, they're the majority of fics I read, and I have no complaint against that. But, given, there should be more freedom in characterizing her in fics. I mean, sure, she's got spunk, but is that limited to her encounters with Duo? Are you sure she's _that_ easily swayed by him, or _that_ much dependent on him? I personally think she would go slow, transcending from their carefully built friendship to something much more. She badly needs security, and she finds that in their friendship, and moving into a deeper relationship can ruin that friendship. Aside from that, Duo doesn't usually come off as a serious guy. And then there are some fics where they immediately go for it. No personal complaints again, mind you - I _like_ reading them. But sometimes, she comes around as a lovesick tomboy whose life revolves around his. 

It's not limited to that, isn't it? I mean, the show doesn't necessarily dictate that she should be like that. What is she _really_ like when upset? Has she ever had problems with her family? Or was her family murdered to begin with? How did she end up in OZ, or if she ever lived in Germany -- that kind of stuff. Ah, the wonders of underrated characters.

Which is why it comes down to this. Here, Hilde is depicted as having a long hidden dangerous involvement in the past, quite possible for our 'pixie' friend, having had no sufficient info about her past and surprisingly reaching the top of her batch in OZ despite her age, _and _size. There's no mention of family, or origin... and not enough time to confirm or deny fan suspicions, so it's not entirely impossible. Anyway, back to the topic, with her cheerful disposition, it seems that she is somewhat a dreamer (I think) and might have easily buried this so-called secret. And now, her past has come back with a very enormous claim on her. How do you expect will she react? Smile, stomp her foot and whine 'DUO!'? 

Being independent (no family, OZ topper, _small_ girl -- looks like a boy at that, just a recap), I wouldn't think so, hence the seriousness and the hiatus. Considering her problems... well, I don't want to give away much.

And when it comes to Heero, some may say, 'Too harsh' or 'Too easy.' Well, this isn't the normal 'changed' Heero, done satisfactorily by Relena. Alternate Universe, her healing influence had never happened here, albeit a soft rejection. What have we got? An emotionally sensitive, hurt Heero who doesn't know where to go, and particularly doesn't care about anything and anyone. He is confused by Hilde, and so frustrations come by.

But **don't worry,** if the out-of-'characterness' gets to you. This is just the beginning. Things will slowly take its course, and pretty soon, you'll get their normal selves as they learn to relax, accept, and live with the situation. Pretty soon enough, you'll have Hilde singing in the shower, wearing her beret cap with extreme stubbornness and pride, and Heero grunting with control. Ok?

Speaking of Which...

In the future? Well, I do not know - it will take time. But, rest assured, I will try to finish this (and a whole lotta other series stored in my notebook). How would it end? I'm not sure, I haven't outlined the final part yet. I'm not even sure who ends up with who. An alternate paring fic doesn't necessarily mean they end up together, right? I love Duo, and him and Hilde just seem perfect together, but the twist with Heero is equally captivating -- how? That's my job. Just stand by and watch. 

Erm,

More exciting events soon, though, as the two would soon start training together, and the absence of their respective loved ones fade. Arguments may come and go but one more may change Heero's life. The importance of Hilde's beret is seen and Heero goes through numerous heights to retrieve it once it gets lost, and the real value of his newfound friend will soon reveal itself to him as challenges, sickness and threat notes come their way.

And Finally

Thanks to all those who supported this fic, especially those who emailed me (Sabacat, specifically, for waiting for the third part patiently) when I thought no one approved of the pairing. Big gratitude to you guys - this story wouldn't go on without you. And, ya, I'm working on it. TY's lots. And for all readers, please drop in comments... I really need them.

Thanks Again and Expect More

Yah! More author's notes... gulp.

But anyway, thanks. Smile, pray to God and be happy!

God Bless,

Annabelle  
11/5/2k

***

**The Inevitable Author's Note - The Sequel**

- To Clear Some Things Up-

(ahahah -- erm, pardon)  
I tend to compile all my notes in these pages, so guys better listen, and pardon the occasional versions.

Hello again guys. This gal has returned with another 'author's note,' this time to clarify some mixed up things. I know I have neglected to explain some facts, and you would admit that there are many factors that may have confused you. Well, here they are.

Wufei's Gundam

When I has started the fanfic, my only basis was the knowledge that the guys had sent their Gundams to the sun, all save for Wufei. I had written about up to part four or five by then, and everything was abruptly halted when I stumbled upon an Endless Waltz summary (sadly, my VCD's are only limited to two episodes, with_out_ translations, mind you). And heck, all of their Gundams are gone, what would happen to this fanfic? But I knew I had to move on, and thus edited parts of the former story. But I could not remove Wufei's possession of his Gundam, because this fact plays a very vital role in the future, and the guys need the assurance of the presence of a familiar mecha, that is, the Gundam. They might have to refer to it in the future. I had hoped no one would notice, but a review in fanfiction.net indicated otherwise (thanks! ^.^), and I'm glad anyway to get to explain this to you. I acknowledge the truth that Wufei's Gundam is supposed to be gone.

The Language and Slang Words

_The German Thing_

In my story, I'm sure most of you have more or less stumbled on Hilde's angry, heavily accented words. And I guess you guys are probably confused about some of them. I have forgotten to give a key to understand her words. This guide would really help you, especially on reading future chapters.

As a pre-note, I admit that I'm not even sure if my German phrases and words are right. I only get what I have from freetranslations.com and a couple of weeks' experience in Switzerland, which is mainly a German-speaking nation. Feel free to correct me if you feel it is necessary. I have written down words as they are pronounced in German for effect.

- PRONUNCIATION

Germans usually replace:  
W's with V's,  
V's with F's  
--when they pronounce words. Likewise, they pronounce the letter Z as TS. And 'er' is somewhat said as 'a' (for example, if a man's name is Schneider, it is pronounced as 'Schneida'). Some T's are silenced (you won't here the 'T' in 'cannot').

Hence, "Look, mon, if you cinna stop, I vould hafta hit ye. And by Deutschland, I vould enjoy it--so help me now and leaf yer 'comments' fer later."  
Means, "Look, man, if you cannot stop, I would have to hit you. And by Deutschland, I would enjoy doing it--so help me now and leave your 'comments' for later.

- WORDS AND PHRASES

* From Part 4: "Ich bin Hilde Schbeiker, kein Heidi Van Schnell." - I am Hilde Schbeiker, not Heidi Van Schnell."  
* From Part 7: "Sie sind ein Narr." - You are a fool  
"Danke" - German for "Thank You."

Therefore,  
Augen - Eyes (you will see this in the future)  
Bier - Beer (Ich mag Bier - I like beer)  
Geld - Money  
Große - Large/Great (Sometimes used as 'Oh great!')  
Halt - Stop  
Hund - Dog (Hilde uses this to insult some men)  
Liebe - Love  
Mädchen - Girl  
Mutter - Mother  
Narr - Fool  
Katze - Cat  
Schatz - this directly translates to 'treasure.' Germans use this as a term of endearment, much like 'sweetheart,' or 'darling.'  
Schönheit - Beauty (Hilde would use this sometimes as an expression, think 'Oh goody' said in a dry fashion)

I hope _that_ cleared up some things. It won't be hard to get their meaning due to context clues in the sentences actually. But, just to be sure, I hope you read them.

_The Japanese Words_

I'm sure you're all used to this. These are taken from Dot's _Japanese 101:_

Arigatou - Thank you  
Gomen - Sorry (+Nasai - very)  
Onegai - Please

Hai - Yes  
Iie- No

Kisama - don't ask, a very bad word (I won't be using it again, I thought it was like 'Shimatta' but I was very, very wrong)  
Kuso - Damn (OK guys, curses will slowly dissolve sooner in the story. No need for them, they don't do anything good)  
Masaka - Impossible (or: You don't say! No way! Can it be?)  
Matte - Wait, slow down  
Ne - Placed at the end of a sentence means, 'Right?' (Confirmation  
Shimatta - Drat (or: Darn! Oh no!)  
Yamero or Dame - Stop (abrupt command form, also yamete)

Anata - You (when a woman says this to a male loved one/husband means 'darling.')  
Sensei - Teacher

In The Future

I guess I made a slight mistake in naming Part 7b as it is. It would be easier if I had named it part 8... it could stand alone on itself. But aside from this, I will be adding an interlude after the real part 8 or 9, depending on how long it would be. _In the Arms of Destruction, Interlude One: Of Dreams and Death_ is my version of Duo and Hilde's story before this fanfic ever happened. This take will be quite different, since it will include not only Duo and Hilde, but seven more adorably protective and unique men. I'm taking the opportunity to include Howard and the other Sweepers. But now, I realize that it seems to be getting too long, and could take up to forty pages so I might have to split it up.

I guess this story (In the Arms of Destruction) is taking more than I have expected. I didn't plan to exceed past ten chapters now I seem to go on to up to sixteen. I'm not sure. And with my slow progress and busy classes, I only pray and hope to finish it.

I now promise, no lemons, kay?

Aside from the one above, I will make a prequel to this, a story involving Relena Darlian and her so-called new flame. It might sound mediocre now but I -am- excited, mainly because I like the guy so much. Jonathan 'Ethan' Boudreaux came into Relena Peacecraft's life and shattered it. His known differences from her ideals and his mysterious personality confused her. Intelligent and street smart at the same time, this handsome heir had been the intrigue of the society. And his righteous arrogance and witty, domineering words warned her, and yet attracted her just the same. But she soon discovers that this 'President's son' wasn't any airy aristocrat, but an illegitimate son whose bastard life experiences and values will soon drastically affect her own life. Watch for it, okay?

Calling All Fan artists!

Can you guys do me a favor and draw some pictures? I hardly find good alternate- pairing pictures in the net and that, well, sucks. I can't use any pics to create more graphics. If you really could, please send them to me. It would really help, a lot.

...And Authors!

If you have anything you'd like me to post or review, email me at abstractress@yahoo.com okay? I would really appreciate seeing your works. (I don't mean alternate pairings only -- I mean all)

Finally, Thanks

I would like to thank (oh heck, I sound like an Academy Award winner, haha) Ashley, first of all, for putting up this fic at her site (visit it! -pardon, I love plugging the site, http://www.envy.nu/tasukigirl) The Alternate Universe. I'd like to thank Sabacat too, for the support, comments, and for working such a wonderful site. Then I would like to thank Lady N, whose comments boosted my ego--er, scratch that, I meant, inspired me to work harder. And also for all of the guys who reviewed my fic at fanfiction.net. You guys are the reason this fic exists! I would like to extend my thanks to Anime Princess, and to Dante (I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply) for his great words, who, in my laziness and at the height of my Writer's Block, made me continue writing.

Thank you very much, guys! Smile and pray to God!

  
Annabelle  
April 17, 2k1

***

**The Inevitable Author's Notes - Finale**

The End?

Yes, people If you've read Chapter 13, it _is _the final chapter to In the Arms of Destruction.

Book One, that is.

(_Book **what?**_)

Yes.

In a bid to organize things, I've decided to split the series into three books. _In the Arms of Destruction_, as so named, is Book One, and is now officially complete. It will continue in Book 2 (More like a booklet, for all its apparent shortness), _In the Arms of Destruction: Evidence of Treason._ Book 3, the last book, as of yet temporarily titled (In the Arms of Destruction: The War), is the finale to the series--another epic, that is.

SPOILER SPACE!

_Evidence of Treason_ is focused on Heero and Hilde's journey to Earth and their (short-lived) days of residence, as documented by various people, and for once, not by the two of them. It is a series of letters, phone conversations, and recorded rants. It also records the Preventers' search for the two wayward soldiers, as well as Black Star's ceaselessly disturbing tracking.

_The War_ is self explanatory, right? A clash of arms, values, hearts and emotions. You'll understand soon.

Okay, you can all look now.

Thank you very much to all those who have come this far with me. I hope you will continue to support the rest of this fanfic. Keep the alternate fandom alive, :)

To Sabacat, Samantha, and Ashley, thank you very much, you made this story possible. To Ingga, Skeyeta, Rogue Angel Barton, Lady Banshee, and the rest of my reviewers--THANK YOU very very much! You were my inspiring force. To my sis, too, who positively threatens me whenever I end up torturing Heero. You're no eloquent critic, but thank you. Hope you'll all continue reading! Love you!

Thank you God!

April 25, 2002


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